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John  Bull 

and 

his  Island 

BY  MAX   O'RHLL 

TRANSLATED   FROM  THE  FRENCH 
UNDER  THE  SUPERVISION  OF  THE  AUTHOR. 


"C'EST  icy   UN   LIVRE   DE  BONNE   FOY,  LECTEUR." 

Montaigne. 

—  + —     -         •      ,.>'■' 


NEW-YORK: 

CHARLES    SCRIBNER'S   SONS. 

1889. 


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CONTENTS 


L 

John  Bull— llie  Sun  never  sets  on  his  Empire — Description  of  his 
Domr.ins  in  this  World — Other  British  Possessions — Wicked- 
ness of  some  of  Job.n  Bull's  Enemies — How  to  make  Colonies, 
how  to  keep  them,  and  how  to  lose  them 1-5 

II. 

"  Possession  Nine  Points  of  the  Law " — An  Obscure  Hero — 
"Home,  Sweet  Home" — Obstinate  as  a  Mule — Paddle  the 
Light  Gmoe — Queer  Honeymoons — Up  hill 6-12 

III 

John  Bull  and  his  Hat — Omnibuses — Every  Man  for  Himself — • 
Competition  open  to  All — The  Fittest  will  Survive — John  Bull 
and  his  Castle — The  Sun  shines  for  all  alike I3~i5 

IV. 

The  Railroads — Dangers  of  the  Ladies'  Compartments — The  Age 
of  Steam— The  Post— The  City— The  Lord  Mayor 16-23 

V. 

The  Family — Mammas — Delightful  Papas — Stepmothers — Differ- 
ence between  a  Misfortune  and  an  Accident — How  to  get  rid 
of  a  Mother-in-law — Carrying  off  Simulated — An  Uncomfor- 
table Quarter  of  an  Hour — The  Nobleman  and  his  Grateful 
Country 24-3I 


iv  CONTENTS. 

VI. 

The  Women — Esthetes — When  an  Englishwoman  limps  all  the 
Englishwomen  limp — French  Girls  and  English  Girls — Liberty 
and  Independence — Breach  of  Promise — Matrimony  made  easy 
— The  Women  of  the  Lower  Classes — Unsavoury  Flower-Girls 
— Couleur  Isabelle 32-42 

VIL 

Cardboard   Villas  —  Magic   Boots  —  London   Tradespeople — Shop 

Signs — Advertisements — Sandwiches — On,  a  French  Indefiiute 

Pronoun — The  Spirit  of  Business — Hable?-  is  not  Purler,  and 

vice  versa 43-5*^ 

VIIL 
Other  Days,  other  Ways — My  Wife  in  Despair — Nothing  succeeds 
like  Success — Poverty  no  Virtue — A   Nation  of  Bees — English 
and  French  Noblemen — Parvenus — A  well-chosen  Toast.. 51-56 

IX. 

London. — The  Town — The  Parks — The  Streets — Heartrending 
Sights — Drunkenness — More  Sandwiches — Other  remunerative 
Employments — Flourishing  Business — The  Language  of  the 
Streets — The  Monuments — Fogs — Lefus  be  off. .....   57-68 

X. 

English  Interiors — John  Bull  in  Town  and  in  th&.  Country — The 
Clubs — The  Museums— (The  British  Museum— ^outii  Kensing- 
ton Museum — The  National'Gallery — The  Great  English  Mas- 
ters— The  Tower  of  London — Hampton  Court — Westm.inster 
Abbey — St.  Paul's — The  Crystal  Palace — Madame  Tussaud's. 

69-78 
XL 

John  Bull's  Sentiments  of  Humanity — The  Royal  Society  for  the 
Prevention  of  Cruelty  to  Animals — The  Treatment  of  Women, 
and  of  Wives  in  Particular — Extracts  from  Police-Court  Re- 
ports— A  Dainty — The  Hospitals — Charity — Tlie  Beggars — 
Pigeon  Shooting — Magnanimity  of  John  Bull 79-88 


CONTENTS.  V 

XII. 

Christmas — The  Plum-pudding — Recipe  for  making  a  Plum-pud- 
ding— The  Pantomimes — Bank  Holidays — Popular  Saturnalia 
— Unsatisfactory  Result  of  a  Philanthropic  Act ^9-95 

XIII. 
John  Bull's  Cookery — Dinners — A  Tea  Party — Tea  or  Coffee  ? 

96-101 

XIV. 

Justice — Juries — Legal  Proceedings — The  Policeman  is  not  Sacred 
— Love  of  Pettifogging — A  Bill  of  Costs — ^^500  Reward — The 
Shah  of  Persia  at  Newgate 102-110 

XV. 

Duels — A  sensible  Duel — Polygamy — A  good,  charitable,  Christian 
Polygamist — Different  ways  of  looking  at  a  question — Black- 
mail levied  in  parks  and  streets — The  Thief's  Eldorado. 

111-117 

XVI. 

Decorations — Blue  and  Yellow  Ribbons — The  Army — That  which 
is  admirable  in  the  Plural  is  despicable  in  the  Singular — 
Uniforms — Volunteers 1 18-122 

XVII. 

The  English  and  French  Languages — Mutual  Loans — Unmention- 
ables— English  Schoolboys 123-128 

XVIII. 
The  French  Colony — French  Societies 129-135 

XIX. 

The  Theatre  of  Shakespeare's  Country  in  the  Nineteenth  Century — 
Drury  Lane — Surrey  Theatre — John  Slmw  and  eleven  French- 
men at  Waterloo — Lyceum  Tlieatre — Madame  Modjeska  and 
Madame  Sarah  Bernhardt — Mrs.  Langtry  and  the  Yankees. 

136-143 


vi  CONTENTS. 


XX. 

Pianos — Drawing-room  Music — Concerts — Oratorios — Musical  Fes- 
tivale 144-147 

XXI. 

Journalism — Advertisements — Journalists — The  Times — Punch — 
Liberty  of  the  Press— English  Literature — Novels— Artists — 
Gustave  Dore 148-15S 

XXIL 
The     Great     Public     Schools — Education — Schoolboys'     Clubs — 
School   Heroes — Athletic    Games — Oxford  and    Cambridge — 
Logic  Lane — Argumentum  Baculinum 156-166 

XXIIL 
Private    Schools— Handy  Masters— Scholastic  Agents— Intelligent 
Men  of  Business — Personal  Reminiscences — Occupying  a  seat 
is  not  engaging  it 167-175 

XXIV. 
The  Politics  of  the  Young — The   Squire — The  Universities  in  Par- 
liament     176-178 

XXV. 

The  Court- The  Queen  and  the  Royal  Family — German  Princes 
to  spare — The  Political  Parties — The  House  of  Lords — The 
House  of  Commons 179-186 

XXVL 

Sunday  in  London — Edifying  Sights— Difference  between  a  Walk- 
ing-stick and  an  Umbrella — Street  Preachers — The  Blind  Beg- 
gar of  Paris  and  the  Blind  Beggar  of  London — Prince  Bismarck 
whistles  on  the  Sabbath 187-195 

xxvn. 

Tlie  Churches  and  Chapels— Different  Ways  of  Kneeling— Confes- 
sion made  easy — Second-liand  Sermons — Grand  Spectaculai 
Services — Collections — Shipwrecked  Mariners 196-20? 


CONTENTS.  vii 

XXVIII. 
The  Religions  of  England 202-212 

XXIX. 

More  Religious  Sects  to  follow — No  Popery — Ciood  Friday — Cal- 
vinism in  Scotland — The  Mormons  of  the  Salt  Lake  Valley — 
Marriage  of  the  Maid  of  Orleans — The  Quakers — The  Shakers 
— Why  do  we  go  to  Church  ? 213-217 

XXX. 

The  Salvation  Army — Blasphemous  Placards — Dervishes — Salva- 
tion Army  Services — How  the  Wicked  go  down  to  Hell — A 
'cute  General — Salvation  Pills — The  Peculiar  People — Joanna 
Southcott  and  the  Jumpers 218-228 

XXXI. 

The  English  Nation  no  other  than  the  Lost  Ten  Tribes  of  Israel — 
The  Anglo-Israel  Identity  Society — Seventy-seven  Proofs  of 
Identity — Tender-handed,  touch  the  nettle,  and  it  stings  you 
for  your  pains  ;  grasp  it  like  a  man  of  mettle,  and  it  soft  as  silk 
remains — Wanted  more  Missionaries — A  New  Proof  of  Identity. 

229-236 

XXXIL 

Conclusion — Difference  of  Character — The  English  ought  to  be 
Manichaeans — What  is  Patriotism  ? — English  Hospitality— The 
Union  of  England  and  France 237-240 

APPENDIX 241-243 


John  Bull  and  his  Island. 


I. 

John  Bull — The  Sun  never  sets  on  his  Empire — Description  of  his 
Domains  in  tliis  World — Other  British  Possessions — Wicked- 
ness of  some  of  Jolin  Bull's  Enemies — How  to  make  Colonies, 
how  to  kee^D  them,  and  how  to  lose  them. 

John  Bull  is  a  large  land-owner,  with  muscular 
arms,  long,  broad,  flat,  and  heavy  feet,  and  an  iron 
jaw  that  holds  fast  whatever  it  seizes  upon. 

His  estate,  which  he  adds  a  little  piece  to  day  by 
day,  consists  of  the  British  Isles,  to  which  he  has 
given  the  name  of  United  Kingdom,  to  make  folks 
believe  that  Ireland  is  attached  to  him  ;  the  Channel 
Islands  ;  the  fortress  of  Gibraltar,  which  enables  him 
to  pass  comfortably  through  the  narrowest  of  straits  ; 
and  the  islands  of  Malta  and  Cyprus  that  serve  him 
as  advanced  sentinels  in  the  Mediterranean.  When 
he  has  Constantinople,  which  he  claims  as  his  due, 
he  will  be  satisfied  with  his  slice  of  Europe.     ? 

In  Egypt,  he  is  more  at  home  than  ever  ;  in  that 
country  he  can  rest  on  his  oars  for  the  present.  He 
took  good  care  not  to  invent  the  Suez  Canal  ;  on  the 
contrary,  he  moved  heaven  and  earth  to  try  and  pre- 


2  JOHN   BULL   AND    HIS   ISLAND. 

vent  its  being  made.  Yet  behold  him  now,  as  a 
shareholder,  casting  his  round  covetous  eyes  upon  it! 

At  the  extremity  of  the  Red  Sea,  at  Aden,  he  can 
quietly  contemplate  that  finest  jewel  in  his  crown, 
the  Indian  Empire  ;  an  Empire  of  two  hundred  and 
forty  millions  of  people,  ruled  by  princes  covered 
with  gold  and  precious  stones,  who  black  his  boots, 
and  are  happy. 

On  the  West  Coast  of  Africa,  he  possesses  Sierra 
Leone,  Gambia,  the  Gold  Coast,  Lagos,  AsccRsion, 
St.  Helena,  where  he  kept  in  chains  the  most  for- 
midable monarch  of  modern  times.  In  the  South, 
he  has  the  Cape  of  Good  Hope,  Natal,  Zululand ; 
and  he  is  Protector  of  the  Transvaal.  In  the  East, 
the  Island  of  Mauritius  belongs  to  him. 

In  America,  he  reckons  ^mong  his  possessions 
Canada,  Nev,^foundland,  Bermuda,  the  West  Indies, 
Jamaica,  part  of  Honduras,  the  Island  of  Trinidad, 
English  Guiana,  Falkland,  etc. 

Correctly  speaking,  Oceania  belongs  to  him  en- 
tirely. New  Zealand  is  twice  as  large  as  England, 
and  Australia  alone  covers  an  ar^  equal  to  that  of 
almost  the  whole  of  Europe. 

With  the  exception  of  a  few  omissions,  more  or 
less  important,  such  are  John  Bull's  assets. 

He  has  acquired  all  this  territory  at  the  cost  of 
relatively  little  bloodshed ;  he  keeps  it  with  an  army 
considerably  inferior  in  numbers  to  that  of  any  of 
the  other  Great  Powers,  and  partly  composed  of  the 
refuse  of  society,  in  spite  of  which  I  am  not  aware 
that  at  the  present  moment  any  of  John's  possessions 
are  the  least  in  danger. 

"  But  what  shall  it  profit  a  man,  if  he  gain  the 


JOHN   BULL   AND    IIIS   LSLAND.  3 

whole  world,  and  lose  his  own  soul  ?"  says  Scripture. 
This  is  just  what  John  Bull  thought,  and  so  in  the 
otiier  world  he  has  knocked  down  to  himself  the 
kingdom  of  heaven — in  his  eyes  as  incontestably 
a  British  possession  as  India  or  Australia. 

The  French  fight  for  glory  ;  the  Germans  for  a 
living  ;  the  Russians  to  divert  the  attention  of  the 
people  from  home  affairs  ;  but  John  Bull  is  a  reason- 
able, moral  and  reflecting  character :  he  fights  to 
promote  trade,  to  maintain  peace  and  order  on  the 
face  of  the  earth,  and  the  good  of  mankind  in  gen- 
eral. If  he  conquers  a  nation,  it  is  to  improve  its 
condition  in  this  world  and  secure  its  welfare  in  the 
next:  a  highly  moral  aim,  as  you  perceive.  "Give 
me  your  territory,  and  I  will  give  you  the  Bible." 
Exchange  no  robbery. 

John  is  so  convinced  of  his  intentions  being  pure 
and  his  mission  holy,  that  when  he  goes  to  war  and 
his  soldiers  get  killed,  he  does  not  like  it.  In  news- 
paper reports  of  battles,  you  may  see  at  the  head  of 
the  telegrams  :  ''  Battle  of  ...  So  many  of  the 
enemy  killed,  so  many  British  massacred." 

During  the  Zulu  war,  the  savages  one  day  sur- 
prised an  English  regiment,  and  made  a  clean  sweep 
of  them.  Next  day,  all  the  papers  had:  "Disaster 
at  Isandula;  Massacre  of  British  troops;  Barbarous 
perfidy  of  the  Zulus."*  Yet  these  excellent  Zulus 
were  not  accused  of  having  decoyed  the  English  into 
a  trap :  no,  they  had  simply  neglected  to  send  their 
cards  to  give  notice  of  their  arrival,  as  gentlemen 

*  You  will  still  find  in  England  people  who  will  tell  you  thai 
Nelson  was  assassinated  at  the  Battle  of  Trafalgar. 


4  JOHN   BULL   AND    HIS   ISLAND. 

should  have  done.     That  was  all.     It  was  cheating. 
As  a  retaliatory  measure,  there  was  a  general  demand 
in  London  for  the  extermination  of  the  enemy  to  the 
last  man.     After  all,  these  poor  fellows  were  only 
defending   their  own   invaded  country.     The   good 
sense  of  England  prevailed,  however,  and  they  were 
treated  as  worsted  belligerents.     England,  at  heart, 
is  generous  :  when  she   has  conquered  a  people,  she 
freely  says  to   them:  "I  forgive  you."     Above  all 
things  she  is  practical.     When  she  has  achieved  the 
conquest  of  a  nation,  she  sets  to  work  to  organize  it ; 
she  gives   it   free  institutions  ;  allows  it   to  govern 
itself;*  trades  with  it  ;  enriches  it,  and  endeavours  to 
make  herself  agreeable  to  her  new  subjects.     There 
are  always  thousands  of  Englishmen  ready  to  go  and 
settle  in  such  new  pastures,  and  fraternize  with  the 
natives.    When  England  gave  her  Colonies  the  right 
of  self-government,  there  were  not  wanting  people 
to  prophesy  that  the  ruin  of  the  Empire  must  be  the 
result.     Contrary  to  their  expectation,  however,  the 
effect  of  this  excellent  policy  has  been  to  bind  but 
closer  the  ties  which  held  the  Colonies  to  the  mother- 
country.      If  England  relied  merely  upon  her  bay- 
onets to  guard   her  empire,  that  empire  would  col- 
lapse  like  a   house  of  cards;    it   is   a  moral   force, 
something  far  more   powerful   than   bayonets,   that 
keeps  it  together. 

England's  way   of   utilising  her    Colonies   is   not 
our  w^ay.     To  us  they  are    mere    military  stations 

*  Not  only  have  the  Colonies  their  own  parliaments,  but  tliey 
have  their  ambassadors  in  London,  who,  under  the  name  of  Agents- 
General,  watcli  over  their  interests.  These  Agents-General  are 
usually  ex-ministers  of  the  Colonies. 


JOHN   BULL   AND    HIS   ISLAND.  5 

for  the  cultivation  of  the  science  of  war.  To  her 
they  are  stores,  branch  shops  of  the  firm  "John 
Bull  and  Co."  Go  to  Australia— that  is,  to  the 
antipodes  of  London — you  will,  it  is  true,  see  peo- 
ple eating  strawberries  and  wearing  straw  hats 
at  Christmas :  setting  aside  this  difference,  you 
will  easily  be  able  to  fancy  yourself  in  England. 

The  Spaniards  once  possessed  nearly  the  whole 
of  the  New  World  ;  but,  their  only  aim  being  to 
enrich  themselves  at  the  expense  of  their  Colonics, 
they  lost  them  all.  You  cannot  with  impunity  suck 
a  Colony's  blood  to  the  last  drop. 

It  is  not  given  to  everyone  to  be  a  Colonist, 

John  Bull  is  a  Colonist,  if  ever  there  was  one. 
This  he  owes  to  his  singular  qualities, — nay,  even 
to  defects  which  are  peculiarly  his  own. 

It  is  this  John  Bull,  this  personage  who  plays  so 
important  a  part  in  the  world,  and  whom  you  meet 
in  every  corner  of  the  globe,  that  we  purpose  ob- 
serving at  home. 


II. 

"Possession  Nine  Points  of  the  Law" — An  Obscure  Hero — ■ 
"Home,  Sweet  Home" — Obstinate  as  a  Mule — Paddle  tha 
Light  Canoe — Queer  Honeymoons — Up  hill. 

For  making  himself  at  home  wherever  he  goes, 
John  Bull  has  a  talent  all  his  own.  Nothing  aston- 
ishes him,  nothing  stops  him.*  Cosmopolitan  in 
the  highest  degree,  he  is  at  his  ease  in  the  four 
corners  of  the  earth  : 

"  Laissez-lui  prendre  un  pied  chez  vous, 
II  en  aura  bientot  pris  quatre." 

In  a  town  in  Normandy,  where  several  English 
families,  attracted  by  the  fine  scenery  around,  have 
taken  up  their  abode,  a  doctor,  a  friend  of  mine, 
offered  his  English  patients  the  use  of  a  large  field 
of  his.  This  field  had  attracted  their  attention  as 
being  nicely  situated  near  the  town,  and  just  the 
place  for  a  game  of  cricket.  Shortly  after  this  act 
of  kindness,  my  friend  received  the  following  note  : 
"The  members  of  the  cricket  club  present  their 
compliments  to  Dr.  H.,  and  would  be  much  obliged 
to  him  if  he  would  kindly  get  the  potatoes,  with 
which  half  of  thei}'  cricket  field  is  planted,  removed, 

*  '*  Nil  admirari,  prope  res  est  una,  Numici, 

Solaquc  qua:  possit  facere  et  servare  beatum." 


JOHN   BULL   AND    HIS   ISLAND.  / 

as     the    ball    is    constantly     getting     lost     among 
them." 

"Possession  nine  points  of  the  law."  This  is  the 
principle  of  all  annexations  of  territory.  Let  an 
Englishman  settle  in  any  out-of-the-way  corner  of 
the  globe,  and  it  will  not  be  long  before  you  see  a 
Protestant  church  and  a  cricket  field,  the  two  first 
visible  indications  of  an  English  Colony.  The 
conquest  of  India  was  practically  made  by  the  East 
India  Company,  that  is  to  say,  by  a  few  London 
merchants. 

John  Bull  is  proud,  brave,  calm,  tenacious,  and 
a  consummate  diplomatist. 

Proud,  he  will  never  doubt  of  the  success  of  his 
undertaking ;  brave,  he  will  carry  it  through  ; 
calm,  he  will  calculate  with  a  cool  head  the 
material  advantages  of  the  victory ;  tenacious,  he 
will  know  how  to  make  it  fruitful.  Diplomacy 
answers  for  the  rest. 

The  sentiment  of  his  dignity  is  evinced  in  him  at 
an  early  age,  and  national  pride  incites  him  to  per- 
form acts  of  heroism  at  an  age  when  sweetmeats 
seem  to  be  the  chief  attractions  of  life. 

While  I  was  at  school  in  Paris,  I  remember  a  score 
of  us  schoolboys  were  one  day  gathered  about  the 
crossbeam  of  a  gymnasium,  jumping,  one  after  an- 
other, on  to  a  heap  of  sand.  Among  us  was  a  young 
English  boy,  about  twelve  years  old,  watching  eagerly 
for  his  turn.  The  poor  child  was  suffering  from 
hernia,  and  we  tried  to  dissuade  him  from  his  pur- 
pose. ''  Why  not  ?  "  said  he  :  "  you  do  it  ;  why 
shouldn't  I  ?  "  And  in  spite  of  all  our  entreaties,  he 
mounted  the  crossbeam,  sprang,  jumped but  to 


8  JOHN   BULL   AND    HIS   ISLAND. 

rise  no  more.  We  carried  him  to  his  bed.  An  hour 
after,  he  had  breathed  his  last.  "  It  shall  not  be 
said,"  he  murmured  in  his  death  throes,  "  that  an 
Englishman  cannot  jump  as  well  as  a  Frenchman." 
Poor  little  hero !  A  few  days  before,  we  had  all 
done  justice  to  the  contents  of  a  well-filled  hamper 
that  his  mother  had  sent  him  from  Devonshire.  He 
had  insisted  upon  our  all  tasting  the  nice  things 
that  came  from  his  home.  Home  !  This  is  a  word 
that  our  language  lacks.  It  is  true  we  have  foyer ; 
but  it  is  a  word  used  chiefly  in  the  elevated  style, 
while  in  England  there  exists  not  a  man,  howxver 
lowly,  but  possessed  of  a  heart  to  feel  and  love,  who 
is  not  a  little  moved  by  the  word  home.  This  may  be 
to  a  certain  extent  explained  by  the  fact  that  every 
Englishman  has  his  own  little  house,  and  that  the 
climate,  which  does  not  foster  open-air  pleasures, 
makes  the  intimate  joys  of  the  fireside  better  ap- 
preciated. Go  and  try  to  feel  poetically  inspired 
over  the  subject  of  the  domestic  hearth,  when  you 
live  on  a  fifth-floor  back  ! 

M.  de  Chateaubriand,  who  was  not  above  walking 
in  the  steps  of  M.  de  la  Palisse,  has  said  somewhere 
that,  were  it  not  for  a  certain  sentiment,  inborn  in 
man,  that  holds  him  to  his  country,  his  greatest 
pleasure  would  be  to  travel.  The  Englishman  forms 
the  best  illustration  of  this  truism,  as  our  friend  John 
Bull  would  put  it.  He  loves  voyages,  adventures, 
dangers.  A  vast  stretch  of  ocean,  a  cloud-capped 
mountain,  perilous  ascents,  voyages  of  discovery  in 
strange  lands,  thrill  him  with  delightful  emotions. 
He  is  in  his  element. 

Call  the  Englishman  wild,  eccentric, — mad,  if  you 


JOHN   BULL   AND   HIS   ISLAND.  9 

will  ;  but  to  do  great  things  one  must  not  hesitate 
at  straying  from  the  beaten  track.  He  will  brave 
every  conceivable  danger  in  order  to  be  able  to  say 
that  he  has  climbed  to  the  summit  of  Mont  Blanc, 
or  that  he  has  been  nearer  the  North  Pole  than 
any  other  explorer. 

Obstinate  as  a  mule,  stubborn  as  a  bull-dog,  the 
difficulties  in  his  path  will  but  act  as  incentives  to 
him.  He  has  traced  himself  a  programme  :  nothing 
will  prevent  his  carrying  it  out.  He  leaves  England 
with  his  diary  written  beforehand.  He  has  settled 
to  be  at  the  top  of  a  certain  mountain  at  a  certain 
time  ;  he  is  bound  to  be  there  :  and  I  promise  you 
that,  if  he  has  not  rolled  down  some  precipice,  there 
you  will  find  him.  General  Wolseley  had  announced 
to  his  countrymen  that  he  would  subdue  Egypt  in 
twelve  days.  He  took  fifteen.  It  was  high  time  : 
John  Bull  was  beginning  to  grumble. 

I  was  walking  one  evening  on  the  quay  at  Saint- 
Malo.  It  was  blowing  a  furious  gale.  The  South- 
ampton boat  had  just  started  notwithstanding.  Came 
two  Englishmen  breathless  :  "  Where  is  the  boat  ? " 
they  asked. 

"  Gone." 

"  Hail  her:  she  is  still  in  sight;  we  are  bound  to  go' " 

*'  Surely,  gentlemen,  you  are  joking." 

"  Well,  then,  can  you  get  us  a  sailing  boat  to  take 
us  to  Jersey  ?" 

"  I  have  one,"  said  a  sailor  ;  "but  the  sea  is  very 
rough  :  I  must  charge  you  two  hundred  francs." 

"Never  mind  :  get  her  ready." 

"'  But,  gentlemen,"  cried  the  bystanders,  "you  will 
be  ill,  and  endanger  your  lives." 


lO  JOHN   BULL  AND   HIS   ISLAND. 

*'  What's  that  to  you  ? "  said  they,  with  a  contem|> 
tuous  glance  at  the  crowd  around. 

The  face  of  the  younger  man,  a  fine  young  fellow 
of  about  twenty,  beamed  with  delight  at  the  idea  of 
the  dangers  he  was  going  to  brave. 

It  was  useless  reasonins:  longer :  the  fisherman  set 
out  with  them.  A  few  moments  later  the  frail  barque 
was  under  sail,  now  hidden  from  sight  by  a  huge  wave, 
now  reappearing,  and  making  visible  the  tall  form  of 
the  young. man  at  the  rudder.  "  Vogue  la  galere,'' 
said  the  spectators  :  "those  English  people  are  mad." 

Every  Englishman  of  good  family  can  manage  a 
boat,  drive  a  carriage,  and  is  at  home  in  the  saddle. 
Accustomed  from  his  childhood  to  bodily  exercise, 
he  thinks  nothing  of  a  hundred  mile  walk  or  a  row 
from  London  to  Oxford.  A  walking  tour  from  Lon- 
don to  Edinburgh  is  not  at  all  an  uncommon  thing 
to  hear  of.  The  outfit  of  an  Enplish  tourist  is  no 
encumbrance  to  him  :  he  puts  into  a  bag  a  flannel 
shirt,  a  dozen  collars,  and  a  couple  of  pairs  of  socks 
and,  stick  in  hand,  off  he  goes.  I  know  one  who 
walked  last  year  as  far  as  the  north  of  Scotland. 
His  friends  teased  him  for  having  made  up  his  mind 
to  take  the  train  to  the  border.  "A  little  pluck," 
said  they  to  him,  "do  the  whole  on  foot  while  you 
are  at  it,  your  railway  ticket  will  destroy  all  the 
merit  and  charm  of  the  affair."  The  year  previous, 
during  the  summer  holidays,  he  had  Avalked  a  dis- 
tance of  over  a  thousand  miles  in  Norway. 

This  habit  of  walking  is  kept  up  by  Englishmen 
to  a  very  advanced  age.  Go  to  the  provinces,  you 
may  there  see  old  men  doing  their  five  or  six  miles 
every  day ;   when  they   knock   off,    it  is  to  take  to 


JOHN   BULL   AND    HIS   ISLAND.  II 

their  beds,  and  prepare  to  go  and  sleep  in  Abra- 
ham's bosom.  In  the  country,  in  France,  our  old 
men,  gouty  or  crippled  with  rheumatism  for  the 
most  part,  pass  half  the  day  at  table  ;  after  their 
dinner,  you  may  see  them  leaning  on  the  arm  of  an 
old  servant,  crawling  along  the  public  promenades. 
In  France,  a  man  is  often  old  at  sixty  ;  the  effects  of 
ft  youth,  too  often  spent  in  dissipation,  and  of  a  life  in 
most  cases  sedentary,  become  sadly  apparent,  and  if 
he  live  to  a  great  age,  the  closing  years  of  his  existence 
are  a  burden  to  himself  and  to  those  around  him. 

"  C'est  une  charge  bien  pesante, 

Qu'un  fardeau  de  quatre-vingts  ans," 

said  Ouinault  ;  but  such  is  not  the  case  in  England: 
here  every  one  dies  of  a  green  old  age.  I  have  an 
old  friend  in  his  eighty-eighth  year,  who,  summer 
and  winter,  religiously  takes  his  tub  every  morning, 
and  who  would  not  think  of  sitting  down  to  lunch- 
eon without  first  having  done  his  three  or  four 
miles.  He  is  bright,  cheery,  will  sing  you  a  song 
at  dessert,  and  never  forgets  to  tell  you  of  the  peas 
he  means  to  sow  next  year.  Methinks  he  will  gather 
many  a  bushel  yet. 

A  young  Oxford  professor  of  my  acquaintance 
undertakes,  every  year,  in  a  small  boat,  a  voyage 
that  lasts  from  one  to  two  months.  He  travels  with 
his  wife  to  tlie  point  of  departure  :  there  he  hires  a 
boat,  places  the  lady  at  the  rudder,  and  away  goes  the 
skiff.  At  night  they  put  up  at  some  riverside  inn. 
Next  morning,  fresh  provisions  are  put  on  board, 
and  they  are  off  again.  They  have  seen  in  this  way 
most  of  the  lakes  and  rivers  of  Europe.  Ingenuous 
and  full  of  enthusiasm,  it  is  a  pleasure  to  hear  them 


12  JOHN   BULL   AND    HIS   ISLAND. 

talk  of  their  travels  ;  and  if  I  may  be  allowed  to 
offer  you  a  piece  of  advice,  it  is  to  read,  as  soon  as  it 
appears,  a  charming  book  which  will  have  for  title 
"  On  the  River." 

Others  go  from  one  capital  of  Europe  to  another 
on  a  velocipede.  Some  young  couples  take  their 
honeymoon  trip  on  a  double  tricycle.  They  go 
through  England  from  village  to  village  without 
creating  the  least  excitement.  Here,  one  is  used  to 
eccentricity  in  all  its  forms.  In  this  fashion,  they 
avoid  the  w'edding  calls  of  the  curious,  and  drink 
deep  draughts  of  pure  country  air.  These  double 
tricycles  bear  the  very  appropriate  name  of  sociables^ 
and  are  admirably  constructed  for  the  honeymoon. 
I  recommend  you  to  try  them.  The  two  seats  are 
placed  closely  side  by  side,  so  that  hearts  may  over- 
flow, hand  press  hand,  and  lips  meet  lips.  Arrived  at 
the  top  of  the  hill,  you  stiffen  your  body,  bend  your 
knees  and  fly  like  the  wind  to  the  bottom  of  the 
valley.  The  air  through  which  you  have  sped  gives 
you  force  to  mount  the  next  slope  as  easily  as  you 
climbed  the  last.  This  little  pastime — to  say  noth- 
ing of  woods  by  the  way  where  you  may  rest,  ram- 
ble, lose  each  other  and  find  each  other  again, — all 
this,  I  say,  has  always  appeared  to  me  delightful. 
It  is  within  the  reach  of  all  purses,  and  by  such 
means  a  man  may  spare  his  sweet  young  companion 
the  annoyance  of  commencing  married  life  with 
butcher's  and  baker's  bills,  and  other  surprises  that 
will  recall  her  all  too  soon  to  the  stern  realities  of 
this  prosaic  world,  and  all  through  life  there  will  last 
the  sweet  recollection  of  that  little  trip — the  uphill 
part  especially. 


III. 

John  Bull  and  his  Hat — Omnibuses — Every  Man  for  Himself— 
Competition  open  to  All — The  Fittest  will  Survive — John  Bull 
and  his  Castle — The  Sun  sliines  for  all  alike. 

John  Bull  only  lifts  his  hat  on  grand  occasions:  for 
instance,  when  he  hears  "  God  Save  the  Oueen  " 
played  or  sung.  Then  he  may  be  said  to  be  saluting 
his  country,  his  Queen,  his  flag — himself  if  you  like. 

In  the  most  fashionable  shops,  in  his  club,  in  Par- 
liament even,  he  keeps  on  his  hat. 

I  know  a  Frenchman  who  threw  up  his  situation 
because  his  employer  did  not  return  his  bow. 

In  business,  the  Englishman  throws  overboard  all 
the  formalities  imposed  by  politeness.  His  style  is 
freezingly  cold,  and  would  appear  to  us  almost  rude. 
He  invariably  terminates  his  letters  "  Yours  tridy." 
And,  after  all,  I  scarcely  see  why,  when  we  send  our 
creditor  a  cheque,  it  should  be  thought  necessary 
to  beg  him  to  accept  the  assurance  of  the  extreme 
respect  with  which  we  have  the  honour  to  sign  our- 
selves his  very  humble  and  obedient  servant.  I  pre- 
fer Vours  truly.      "Time  is  money." 

Ask  John  Bidl  if  you  are  in  the  right  train  for 
such-and-such  a  place,  you  will  get  Yes  or  No  for  an 
answer,  and  nothing  more. 

When  he  enters  an  omnibus  or  a  railway  carriage, 


14  JOHN   BULL   AND    HIS    ISLAND. 

if  he  does  not  recognise  any  one,  he  eyes  his  fellow- 
travellers  askance  in  a  sulky  and  suspicious  way. 
He  seems  to  say,  "  What  a  bore  it  is  that  ail  you 
people  can't  walk  home,  and  let  a  man  have  the  car- 
riage comfortably  to  himself  !  "  It  must  be  admitted, 
though,  that  the  notices  with  the  advice,  "  Beware 
of  pickpockets,  male  and  female,"  which  confront 
him  in  these  places,  are  quite  enough  to  cool  his  gal- 
lantry, be  it  said  for  his  justification. 

London  omnibuses  are  made  to  seat  six  persons 
on  each  side.  These  places  aie  not  marked  out. 
When,  on  entering,  you  find  five  people  on  either 
hand,  you  must  not  liopc  to  see  any  one  move  to 
make  room  for  you.  No,  here  everything  is  left  to 
personal  initiative.  You  simply  try  to  spy  out  the 
two  pairs  of  thighs  that  seem  to  you  the  best  padded, 
and  with  all  your  weight  you  let  yourself  down  be- 
tween them.  No  need  to  apologise,  no  one  will 
think  of  calling  you  a  bad  name. 

If  you  open  the  door  to  let  a  woman  alight,  she 
will  say,  "Thank  you  "  to  you,  if  she  be  a  lady.  If 
she  happen  not  to  be,  you  will  get  no  thanks,  and 
should  be  only  too  happy  if  her  look  do  not  seem 
to  say,  "  Mind  your  own  business." 

At  home  and  abroad  each  one  for  himself.  There 
are  no  omnibus  offices  where  you  must  book.  In 
France,  we  do  everything  in  a  military  style.  The 
Englishman,  who  is  a  better  runner  than  his  fellow- 
creature,  does  not  see  why  he  should  not  have  the 
latter's  place  if  he  is  nimble  enough  to  catch  it. 
Competition  open  to  all  ;  the  fittest  will  survive  ;  it 
is  the  motto  of  free-trade,  and  of  the  whole  nation. 

Outside  his  own  house  John  Bull  is  not  communi- 


JOHN   BULL   AND    IIIS   ISLAND.  1 5 

cative  :  he  leaves  his  neighbour  alone,  and  expects 
to  receive  a  like  treatment  at  his  hands.  If  you  re- 
mark to  an  Englisliman,  in  a  smoking  compartment 
that  he  has  dropped  some  cigar-ash  on  his  trousers, 
he  will  probably  answer  :  "  For  the  past  ten  minutes  I 
have  seen  a  box  of  matches  on  fire  in  your  back  coat 
pocket,  but  I  did  not  interfere  with  you  for  that." 

John  Bull  is  absolute  master  in  his  own  house, 
which  he  calls  his  castle.  If  you  present  yourself 
to  him  without  an  introduction,  he  wiU  put  liis  back 
up  and  soon  show  you  to  the  door  as  an  intruder. 

On  the  other  hand,  if  properly  armed  with  a  letter 
of  introduction,  you  will  find  him  hospitable, 'affable, 
and  unsuspecting,  and  you  will  readily  become  the 
friend  of  the  family. 

It  is  impossible  to  admire  too  much  the  confidence 
of  the  English  even  in  business.  Bureaucracy  is  un- 
known. You  have  not  to  produce  your  papers  at 
every  moment.  If  you  are  a  candidate  for  a  place 
of  any  kind,  you  simply  send  a  copy  of  your  testi- 
monials. If  you  want  to  marry,  you  state  your  age, 
and  whether  you  are  a  bachelor  or  a  widower,  etc. 
I  repeat  it,  John  Bull  has  quite  shaken  off  the  yoke 
of  red  tape.  A  man  who  has  lied  before  a  tribunal 
is  prosecuted  for  perjury;  a  man  who  has  deceived  his 
neighbour  is  kicked  out  of  the  house  for  his  pains. 

lo  the  midst  of  this  jostling  crowd,  all  eager  to 
reach  a  certain  goal,  you  must  not  mind  a  little 
knocking  about.  Every  man,  English  or  not,  who 
has  some  ability,  and  determines  to  succeed,  does 
succeed.  This  is  a  country  where,  as  an  English- 
man said  to  me  once,  "the  sun  shines  for  all  alike." 

I  may  add  that  it  was  but  a  figure  of  speech. 


IV. 

The  Railroads — Dangers  of  the  Ladies'  Compartments — The  Age 
of  Steam — The  Post — The  City — The  Lord  Mayor. 

London  has  five  hundred  and  sixty-eight  railway 
stations,  and  through  Clapham  Junction  alone  there 
pass  thirteen  hundred  and  seventy-four  trains  a  day. 
These  figures,  which  are  official,  do  not  include 
goods  trains.  The  Metropolitan  Company  an- 
nounced to  its  shareholders  that  between  January 
ist  and  December  31st,  1881,  a  hundred  and  ten  mil- 
lions of  people  had  been  carried  over  their  lines. 
Steam  has  robbed  travel  of  its  poetry  ;  but  if  we  no 
longer  live  in  days  of  heroic  adventure,  we  may  con- 
sole ourselves  with  the  thought  that  we  live  in  days 
of  ease  and  comfort.  Go  and  ask  an  official  at  Clap- 
ham  Junction  to  register  your  luggage,  and  you  will 
get  laughed  at  to  your  face.  You  merely  put  on 
your  boxes  your  name  and  destination,  get  them 
labelled,  and  have  them  put  into  the  luggage  van. 
At  your  journey's  end  you  point  out  your  trunks  to 
a  porter,  and  that  is  all.  No  confusion  ;  and  I  never 
met  with  any  one  who  had  lost  the  least  luggage.  In 
France,  it  would  seem  as  if  bureaucracy  had  been 
invented  to  give  employment  to  the  company's  large 
number  of  servants. 

Railway  accidents    are    rare,    marvellously   rare, 


JOHN   BULL   AND    HIS   ISLAND.  1/ 

when  01.15  thinks  of  those  networks  of  raihoads  that 
are  enouerh  to  make  one's  head  swim  to  look  at  them. 

Railway  journeys  are  not  always  unattended  by 
dangers,  though.  If  you  value  your  reputation  in 
the  least,  never  remain  alone  in  a  compartment  with 
a  woman.  Even  were  she  the  owner  of  the  loveliest 
pair  of  eyes,  flee  for  your  life  to  the  next  carriage. 
There  are  certain  ladies  in  existence  who  levy  black 
mail  on  a  vast  and  somewhat  fantastic  scale. 

A  French  diplomatist  of  my  acquaintance  was  one 
day  travelling  alone  with  a  woman,  who  appeared 
to  liim  to  be  a  lady  in  every  respect.  At  the  end  of 
about  half  an  hour,  their  eyes  chanced  to  meet.  The 
lady  immediately  smiled.  Such  an  irresistible  smile  ! 
What  bewitching  eyes !  My  friend  smiled  too. 
Nothing  more.     But  he  paid  for  it. 

"  Are  we  far  from  Cannon  Street  Station,  do  you 
know  ?  "  said  the  charming  lady. 

"  No,  madam  ;  we  shall  be  there  in  five  minutes." 

"Very  well,  sir;  if  you  do  not  hand  me  over 
twenty  pounds  this  instant,  I  shall  give  you  in 
charge  at  the  station  for  having  insulted  me." 

My  friend  paid  :  he  was  a  wise  man. 

Such  cases  are  very  frequent. 

I  know  a  gentleman  who  detests  the  smell  of  to- 
bacco, but  who  invariably  travels  with  the  smokers 
rather  than  run  the  risk  of  finding  himself  alone  witli 
a  woman. 

One  day  he  had  just  taken  his  seat  in  a  smoking 
compartment. 

Up  comes  a  lady  to  the  door  .•  "  Smoking  carriage, 
madam  !  "  cries  he,  scenting  a  lady  in  search  of  game 

"  Oh  !  I  don't  mind." 
2  * 


1 8  JOHN   BULL   AND    HIS   ISLAND. 

"  That  may  be.  I  do  though."  And,  at  the  risk 
of  passing  for  a  bear,  he  held  on  to  the  handle  oi 
the  door,  and  remained  master  of  the  situation. 
Honour  waa  safe  :  that  was  the  main  thing. 

These  charmers  are  not  the  only  travelling  com- 
panions to  be  shunned.  One  of  the  most  to  be 
dreaded  is  the  old  maid  who  takes  up  her  position 
in  front  of  you,  and  asks  you  point  blank  if  you  are 
prepared  to  meet  your  Maker.  Her  name  is  Chris- 
tian-Worker, and  slie  exercises  her  profession  where- 
ever  she  goes,  distance  is  no  object  to  her.  Keep  a 
sharp  look-out  :  this  one  is  not  to  be  easily  shaken 
off.  She  is  of  a  persevering  temperament,  and  diffi- 
culties do  not  daunt  her.  On  the  contrary,  she 
rather  likes  them.  The  deeper  dyed  your  sins,  the 
greater  she  thinks  is  her  merit  in  leading  you  back 
to  the  right  path.  As  a  rule,  she  waits  to  open  fire 
until  the  train  is  going  at  full  speed.  Then  she  has 
you.  No  use  trying  to  escape.  You  have  only  one 
alternative  :  either  you  must  grin  and  bear  it  until 
you  reach  the  next  station,  or  else  pitch  her  out  of 
the  window.  You  regret  your  want  of  courage  to 
adopt  the  latter  plan,  which  of  course  would  send 
her  straight  to  paradise  to  receive  her  reward.  One 
of  her  favourite  and  comforting  remarks  (especially 
in  a  railway  carriage)  is:  "Ah!  sir,  should  we  not 
always  be  prepared  to  meet  death — accidents  come 
so  unexpectedly  ? "  I  succeeded  one  day  in  closing 
the  mouth  of  one  of  these  bores  by  saying,  in  broken 
English:  ''Me  fwt  Anglishr  "Oh!"  sighed  she, 
"  what  a  pity  !  "  and  she  left  me  alone.  I  recommend 
you  the  plan  :  it  is  the  only  safe  and  legal  one  f 
know  of. 


JOHN   BULL   AND    HIS   ISLAND.  I9 

Over  here,  you  are  not  locked  up  in  a  waiting- 
room  until  your  train  comes  in.  You  roam  where 
you  like  about  the  station,  and  )'^our  friends  may  see 
you  off  and  give  you  a  handshake  as  the  .train  leaves 
the  platform. 

The  functionary  is  scarcely  known.  There  are 
more  of  them  at  the  station  of  Foiiilly  Ics  Epinard^ 
than  in  the  most  important  station  in  London,  You 
see  placards  everywhere  :  "  Beware  of  pick-pockets  ; " 
"Ascertain  that  your  change  is  right  before  leaving 
the  booking  desk  ; "  "Have  your  luggage  labelled, 
and  see  that  it  is  placed  in  the  train."  The  Englisli- 
man  does  not  like  being  taken  in  hand  like  a  baby. 
He  keeps  his  eyes  about  him,  minds  himself  and  his 
belongings,  and  you  do  the  same.  He  makes  no 
more  of  going  to  Australia  tlian  we  of  going  to 
Passy  ;  no  fuss,  no  confusion.  The  question  he  asks 
himself  on  setting  out  for  the  change  of  air  (doctors 
here  will  order  you  a  voyage  to  Australia  just  as 
ours  will  tell  you  to  try  Saint-Germain  or  Vichy)  is: 
"Shall  I  come  home  by  way  of  China  or  San  Fran- 
cisco ?" 

His  ticket  taken,  he  instals  himself  in  his  berth, 
like  a  king  in  his  castle. 

In  France,  the  Administration  takes  us  under  its 
wing.  The  Englishman  does  not  like  that  kind  of 
thing.  He  prefers  to  be  let  alone ;  he  feels  big 
enough  to  take  care  of  himself. 

I  travelled  once  from  Boulogne  to  Paris  with  a 
Briton,  who  snored  away  in  his  corner  as  happy  as 
a  king.  Presently  up  came  a  most  polite  porter, 
who,  waking  him,  inquired  whither  he  was  bound  ; 

"  Why  do  you  wake  me  ?  " 


20  JOHN   BULL   AND    IIIS   ISLAND. 

"  But,  sir,  I  thought  you  would  perhaps  be  obliged 
to  me  for  waking  you." 

"  Leave  me  alone  ;  I  want  to  sleep.  I  have  a  right 
to  :  I  have  paid  for  my  ticket." 

"  Of  course  you  have,  sir,  but " 

"Leave  me  alone,  I  tell  you." 

At  Creil  the  train  drew  up  ;  my  travelling  com« 
panion  wanted  to  alight." 

"Take  your  seat,  sir;  the  train  does  not  stop 
here." 

"Yes,  it  does,  I  see  ;  I  want  to  get  out." 

"  But,  sir,  you  will  be  left  behind." 

"That's  nothing  to  do  with  you;  mind  your  own 
business.     I  want  to  get  out.     You  are  my  servant." 

Down  he  got,  and  did  not  reappear  either.  Great 
was  my  surprise,  on  arriving  at  Paris,  to  see  my  fine 
fellow  upon  the  platform. 

"  Halloa  !  "  I  exclaimed  ;  "  how  did  you  get  here  ?  " 

"  Oh  !  I  jumped  into  the  luggage  van,"  replied  he. 

Another  time,  at  the  Charing  Cross  station,  a. 
sturdy  little  fellow  about  twelve  years  old  wanted  to 
get  into  a  train  that  was  already  in  motion.  Two 
porters  pulled  at  him  from  behind  to  prevent  him 
accomplishing  his  design.  He  does  not  hesitate 
long:  he  deals  each  of  them  a  fine  blow  with  his 
elbow,  springs  upon  the  step,  jumps  into  the  carriage, 
and  shouts  at  them  from  the  window:  "I  say,  1 
didn't  knock  you  down,  you  know,  because  there 
wasn't  time,  but  don't  try  me  again." 

The  trains  are  swift  and  the  carriages  excellent 
This  is  the  result  of  competition.  You  can  go  from 
London  to  Manchester  by  five  different  lines.  Each 
company  tries  to  obtain  your  patronage  by  offering 


JOHN   BULL   AND    illS   ISLAND.  21 

you  more  advantages  than  the  others.  Plain  wooden 
seats  have  disappeared  from  all  third-class  carnages, 
which  are  now  better  than  second  class  ones  in 
France,  and  one  can  travel  third  by  express  trains. 

You  go  to  a  refreshment-room,  help  yourself,  state 
what  you  have  taken  and  pay.  Just  the  same  is 
done  in  the  City  restaurants  at  lunch-time.  Gentle- 
men generally  eat  standing  up  :  they  are  seiwed  on 
the  instant ;  there  is  no  time  to  lose  ;  no  serviettes — 
you  wipe  your  mouth  with  your  handkerchief. 
Lunch  is  despatched  in  ten  minutes.  You  might 
almost  hear  a  pin  drop  while  this  roomful  of  mer- 
chants, clerks,  etc.,  are  taking  their  mid-day  repast. 

On  entering  an  ofifice,  the  first  thing  you  see  writ- 
ten up  is  :  "  You  are  requested  to  speak  of  business 
only."     It  is  the  reign  of  steam. 

You  should  see  the  City  between  nine  and  ten  in 
the  morning,  when  the  railways  and  vehicles  of  all 
kinds  are  disgorging  their  swarms  of  busy  bees.  At 
four  o'clock  a  calm  begins  to  set  in,  and  on  Saturdays 
the  City  is  deserted  from  two  o'clock  in  the  after- 
noon. 

The  docks,  too,  are  well  worth  a  visit,  with  their 
forests  of  masts.  These  are  sights  you  will  never 
forget. 

Take  a  walk  in  the  City,  and  look  up  in  the  air; 
the  telegraph  wires  are  enough  to  make  you  believe 
that  some  gigantic  spider  has  spun  a  web  over  your 
head. 

For  a  penny  you  can  send  six  sheets  of  letter  paper 
by  post  to  any  part  of  the  United  Kingdom.  There 
is  an  hourly  delivery  of  letters  in  the  City.  I  borrow 
the   following   lines    from    the    excellent   Annuuire- 


22  JOHN   BULL   AND    HIS   ISLAND. 

Hamonet^  Guide  general  dcs  Frangais  a  Londres  : — "  In 
the  E.G.  district  alone  there  are  delivered  every 
morning  a  million  of  letters  ;  and  that  which  shows 
to  what  a  degree  the  commercial  life  of  the  United 
Kingdom  is  concentrated  in  tlie  metropolis,  is  the 
fact  that  the  number  of  letters  delivered  within  the 
postal  district  of  London  forms  more  than  a  fourth 
part  of  all  the  letters  delivered  in  Great  Britain. 
Scotland  docs  not  receive  half  as  many  letters  as 
London,  and  Ireland  not  one-third.  To  give  an  ex- 
ample :  one  City  house  receives  three  thousand  let- 
ters a  day.  This  development  of  letter  writing  is  all 
the  more  remarkable  from  the  fact  of  the  post  having 
a  serious  competitor  in  the  telegraph." 

I  cannot  leave  the  City  without  saying  a  word  on 
the  subject  of  the  Lord  Mayor.  The  first  magistrate 
of  London  is  elected  annually  by  the  Corporation. 
He  is  installed  on  the  9th  of  November.  This  cere- 
mony forms  the  occasion  for  a  civic  fete,  as  M. 
Prud'homme  would  call  it,  that  reminds  one  of  car- 
nival time,  and  in  which  the  Lord  Mayor  plays  the 
part  of  the  fatted  ox.  The  procession  sets  out  from 
Guildhall  at  noon  to  go  and  present  the  Lord  Mayor 
elect  to  the  judges  at  Westminster.  It  is  preceded 
by  soldiers,  and  about  a  dozen  bands  of  music.  AH 
tlie  City  companies  are  represented  and  headed  by 
their  respective  banners.  Horses,  and  horsemen  dis- 
guised as  knights  and  musketeers,  are  borrowed  of  a 
circus  proprietor,  and  I  have  even  seen  camels  and 
elephants  (also  lent  by  the  circus  proprietor)  taking 
part  in  the  performance.  The  Lord  Mayor  draws 
up  tlie  procession.  Cinderella  never  dreamed  of  a 
coach  as  gorgeous  as  tlic  one  that  carries  My  Lore? 


JOHN   BULL  AND   HIS   ISLAND.  23 

Mayor  elect  to  Westminster.  The  procession  pa- 
rades the  City  thus  until  about  four  in  the  afternoon. 

At  six  the  banquet  takes  place.  This  banquet 
stands  conspicuous  among  others  on  account  of  the 
presence  of  the  Ministers  of  the  Crown,  and  of  the 
political  speech  that  the  Chief  of  Her  Majesty's 
Government  is  expected  to  deliver  on  the  occasion. 

'Ihe  English  are  fond  of  their  ?ncient  customs, 
and  the  Lord  Mayor's  Show,  which  would  be  quite 
a  success  at  our  Hipp'jdrpnie  :s  t^ti  Tlfe'f  tf  die  out 
just  yet. 


fhc  Family — Mammas — Delightful  Papas — Stepmothers — Diffir- 
cnce  between  a  Misfortune  and  an  Accident — How  to  get  rid 
of  a  Mother-in-law — Carrying  off  Simulated — An  Uncomfor- 
table Quarter  of  an  Hour — The  Nobleman  and  his  Grateful 
Country. 

An   English   father  is  absolute    master  in   his  own 
house  :  something  of  the  father  of  antiquity. 

The  English  mother  is  only  just  shaking  off  her 
shackles.  In  Mme.  de  Stael's  time  she  only  appeared 
for  a  few  moments  in  the  drawing-room  to  offer  a 
cup  oi  tea  to  her  husband's  guests.  Even  in  the 
present  day  her  position  in  the  family  is  only  one  of 
secondary  importance.  She  has  not  the  authority 
that  a  mother  has  in  France,  nor  even  as  much  as 
her  own  son.  In  the  house  of  a  widow  the  eldest 
son  is  master  ;  especially  is  this  the  case  among  the 
aristocracy,  whose  titles,  with  the  inalienable  prop- 
erty attached  to  them,  go  to  the  eldest  son,  and  to 
him  alone. 

The  word  lord  means  in  Anglo-Saxon  the  one  70/10 
procures  the  bread,  the  master  ;  lad}\  the  one  who  serves 
it,  the  servant. 

A  son  never  kisses  his  father,  and  only  rarely  his 
mother.  He  shakes  liands,  the  effusion  of  the  heart 
goes  no  further.  An  English  son  would  be  afraid  of 
losing   his    dignity  if  he   caressed    his  mother.     In 


JOHN   BULL   AND    HIS   ISLAND.  2$ 

France,  our  mother  is  the  recipient  of  our  tenderest 
caresses,  our  nearest  and  dearest  friend.  We  tell 
her  our  secrets  ;  nay,  even  our  little  escapades.*  She 
may  pretend  to  be  very  cross,  and  say,  "  Get  along 
with  you,  sir  r  you  are  a  disgraceful  character  ;  I 
won't  listen  to  any  more."     Don't  you  believe  her. 

Ah,  darling  old  mother !  how  vexed  she  would  be  if 
we  were  to  take  her  at  her  word.  How  she  cajoles 
VIS,  how  she  soon  brings  back  the  conversation  to  the 
same  subject,  so  that  she  may  hear  a  few  more  little 
risky  confidences.  How  she  makes  believe  not  to  be 
listening,  while  all  the  while  she  is  not  losing  a 
word  !  And  how  she  pretends  to  be  dreadfully  hor- 
rified !  and  how  a  good  kiss  wins  her  over  in  an  in- 
stant. Sweet,  gentle  counsellor  !  what  happy  mo- 
ments have  we  all  passed  at  thy  side  when  we  were 
just  becoming  possessors  of  a  downy  moustache,  that 
we  twirled  with  pride. 

The  English  language  has  no  word  for  fredatne, 
perhaps  the  thing  does  not  exist  on  this  side  of  the 
Channel.  The  Englishman  is  either  virtuous  or  an 
utter  reprobate  ;  very  often  virtuous,  perfectly  vir- 
tuous. In  this  country  there  is  no  middle  course  ; 
contrasts  strike  you  in  every  phase  of  life. 

In  English  family  life  there  is  no  intimacy,  no 
openness  of  heart ;  stiffness  and  reserve  ;  affection, 
but  little  lov^e.  Thanks  to  the  devotion  of  the 
Frenchman  for  his  mother,  he  is  more  lovable  than 
the  young  Englishman,  but  he  is  also  more  effemi- 
nate ;  the  latter  is  more  self-reliant,  more  independ- 

*  An  Englishman  speaks  of  his  frolics  to  no  one,  not  even  his 
most  intimate  friend.  Over  here  J>'ec/te  cache  est  tout-h-fait  par- 
donne. 


26  JOHN   BULL   AND   HIS   ISLAND. 

ent,  more  virile.  In  France,  love  and  respect  for 
the  mother  are  to  be  found  in  the  lowest  peasant  or 
workman,  and  even  a  vicious  life  will  not  com- 
pletely extinguish  these  sentiments  in  him.  He 
avoids  his  mother  when  he  is  intoxicated ;  he  dreads 
her  reproaches,  shuns  her  scrutinising  gaze.  In 
England  he  beats  her,  or  turns  her  out  of  the  house. 
Let  those  who  may  doubt  the  exact  truth  of  these 
statements  open  any  English  newspaper  and  read  for 
themselves.  The  French  workman  would  say  to  any 
one  who  had  insulted  his  mother,  "  Look  here,  say 
what  you  like  to  me,  but  just  let  my  mother  alone, 
will  you  !  '■  For  him  the  dear  old  woman  is  some- 
thing sacred.  Among  us,  a  mother  dies  surround- 
ed by  the  children  who  have  tended  her  in  her  de- 
clining years.  Here,  she  works  as  long  as  her 
strength  lasts  ;  when  she  has  become  a  useless  piece 
of  furniture  she  goes  to  the  Union  and  dies. 

If  among  the  well-to-do  classes  the  mother  is  not 
to  be  found  in  the  foreground,  it  is  mainly  to  the 
fact  of  her  entering  upon  married  life  portionless 
that  we  must  look,  I  think,  for  the  explanation.  The 
dot  gives  to  the  French  wife  a  certain  feeling  of  inde- 
pendence and  authority  in  the  house.  She  is  some- 
body, her  husband's  equal.  In  England,  she  is 
something  more  than  a  housekeeper  in  point  of 
rank,  but  at  the  same  time  something  less,  if  we  con- 
sider that  no  wages  are  due  to  her,  and  that  she  can- 
not give  notice  to  leave.  Moreover,  she  is  generally 
devoid  of  that  little  talent  of  diplomacy  that  every 
Frenchwoman  is  more  or  less  possessed  of  :  she  has 
not  the  influence  of  the  woman  over  the  man.  Here 
the  husband  requires  but  one  thing  of  his  wife  :  to 


JOHN   BULL   AND    IliS   ISLAND.  2^ 

keep  his  house  well,  to  serve  his  meals  punctually, 
and  to  manage  his  domestic  affairs  economically. 
He  calls  her  his  partner, — a  sleeping  partner,  if  I 
might  risk  2ijeu  de  mots  in  English. 

Adultery  is  frequent  in  the  higher  classes,  among 
the  rich  and  idle  ;  very  rare  among  the  middle  and 
working  classes.  I  do  not  mention  the  lower  popu- 
lace of  London  :  their  life  is  that  of  dogs,  as  I  say 
elsewhere. 

"A  married  man,"  said  an  Englishman  of  some 
importance  to  me  one  day,  "is  very  foolish  to  be  un- 
faithful to  his  wife.  Why  on  earth  should  one  blight 
one's  peace  of  mind  ?  Is  not  one  woman  as  good  as 
another  ?  "  In  nine  divorce  cases  out  of  ten,  the 
co-respondent  is  an  officer  in  Her  Majesty's  service. 
An  officer-and-a-gentleman,  having  nothing  parti- 
cular to  do  in  time  of  peace,  is  fond  of  keeping  his 
hand  in  by  shooting  over  other  people's  preserves. 
The  CO  respondent  is  not  unfrequently  a  young 
groom,  as  one  may  see  by  the  newspapers.  This 
sample  of  co-respondent  begins  at  the  spur  :  it  is  not 
very  far  to  the  garter  ;  the  path  is  very  attractive, 
que  voulez-vousi  Between  the  ist  of  July,  1882,  and 
the  ist  of  January,  1883,  I  -counted  seven  cases  of 
these  favoured  young  flunkies  in  the  newspapers. 
How  many  must  there  be  still  enjoying  their  good 
fortunes  on  the  quiet ! 

Death  is  an  event  that  astonishes  no  one,  which 
the  Christian  neither  fears  nor  dreads,  and  which  in 
England  consequently  calls  for  few  tears.  "Was 
he  insured  ? "  is  a  question  asked  upon  the  death  of 
a  father.  "  Yes  ?  Well,  you  see,  we  must  all  die 
sooner  or  later.     God  has  called  him  home,  and  it 


u 


yu^ 


28  JOHN    BULL    AND    HIS    ISLAND. 

sliould  make  you  rejoice."  The  worthy  fellow  is 
buried,  and  soon  forgotten.  English  cemeteries  are 
deserts  :  here  people  have  not  the  respect — I  do  not 
hesitate  to  call  it  love — that  we  feel  for  the  dead. 
The  Protestant  Church  does  not  pray  for  the  dead  ; 
she  denies  the  doctrine  of  purgatory.  To  pray  for 
the  repose  of  a  dead  person's  soul  would  be  to  doubt 
God's  justice,  to  dictate  to  Him  what  He  should  do 
in  the  other  world.  The  Englishman  is  serious  and 
sensible  in  business  matters  ;  he  does  not  believe 
that  a  three  and  sixpenny  mass  is  going  to  send  his 
relative  to  Heaven.  Our  worthy  mothers  pay  their 
money,  and  those  that  are  not  firm  believers  merely 
say  to  themselves,  "  Poor  soul  !  if  it  does  him  no 
good,  it  can  do  him  no  harm.  After  all,  it  is  but 
three  and  six." 

A  son  writes  to  his  parents  :  "  I  am  about  to  be 
married,"  or  "I  am  married." 

''We  are  glad  to  hear  it,"  answer  the  parents; 
"we  shall  be  happy  to  make  the  acquaintance  of 
your  wife." 

But  it  is  in  Scotland  above  all  that  one  must  look 
for  sound  business  principles.  Indeed,  those  who 
have  never  been  to  Scotland  cannot  form  a  notion 
of  what  it  is  to  be  serious.  A  young  Scotch  friend 
of  mine,  of  high  literary  reputation,  generally 
spends,  once  a  year,  a  month  with  this  family  on  the 
outskirts  of  Edinburgh.  His  father  is  a  Presby- 
terian minister  occupying  a  very  enviable  position. 
On  the  day  of  his  departure,  my  friend  invariably 
finds  on  the  breakfast  table,  by  the  side  of  his 
plate,  a  little  paper  carefully  folded.  It  is  a  detailed 
account  of  the  meals  he  has  had  during  his  visit  to 


JOHN    BULL   AND   HIS   ISLAND.  29 

his  father's  house  :  in  other  words,  his  bill.  But 
the  son  is  as  sound  a  Caledonian  as  papa,  and 
does  not  part  with  his  coin  before  he  has  ascertained 
that  all  the  items  are  accurate,  and  the  addition 
correct. 

"Why,  father,  I  see  you  have  marked  bacon  and 
eggs  for  my  yesterday's  breakfast  ;  I  assure  you  I 
did  not  touch  the  eggs." 

"You  were  wrong  not  to  do  so  then,  my  boy: 
they  were  on  the  table  ;  why  didn't  you  help  your- 
self ? " 

I  know  another  interesting  Scotch  papa  who  pre- 
sents his  children,  as  they  come  of  age,  with  the 
bill  of  all  that  he  has  spent  upon  them,  including 
the  fees  of  nurse  and  doctor.  The  children  sign  and 
undertake  to  repay  the  outlay. 

The  mother-in-law  is  not  an  object  of  terror  in 
England.  Not  being  mistress  at  home,  it  would 
never  occur  to  her  to  impose  her  authority  in  her 
son-in-law's  house.  "  If  you  have  to  choose,"  says 
M.  Victorien  Sardou,  "between  living  with  your 
mother-in-law  and  shooting  yourself,  never  hesitate: 
shoot  her."  If  your  mother-in-law  falls  overboard, 
it  is  an  accident  ;  if  she  is  fished  out  alive,  we  call 
it  a  misfortune.  To  get  rid  of  a  mother-in-law, 
people  here  do  not  have  recourse  to  such  extreme 
measures  ;  diplomacy  is  called  into  requisition.  I 
recommed  the  following  plan  to  young  married 
men  :  it  proved  a  great  success  in  the  case  of  a 
friend  of  mine.  Awhile  after  the  marriage,  his 
mother-in-law  arrived  and  installed  herself  in  his 
house.  iNIy  friend  lavished  the  most  assiduous 
attentions    upon    her.      He  was  not  a  church-goer, 


30  JOHN   BULL   AND    HIS   ISLAND. 

but  he  went  now  to  have  the  pleasure  of  carrying 
the  excellent  lady's  books  of  devotion.  When  a 
walk  was  taken,  it  was  to  her  that  his  arm  was 
offered.  In  the  evening,  after  his  wife  had  retired, 
he  sat  up  with  his  mother-in-law,  and  took  a  hand 
at  bcsiijue.  At  the  end  of  a  week,  the  mamma-in- 
law  vanished  as  if  by  magic.  The  young  wife  had 
managed  the  matter. 

When  a  Greek  or  Roman  bride  arrived  at  the 
threshold  of  her  new  home,  the  bridegroom,  taking 
her  in  his  arms,  carried  her  to  his  hearth  to  offer  a 
sacrifice,  and  to  eat  with  her  the  pane/n  farreum. 
This  ceremony  was  intended  to  simulate  carrying  off 
by  force.  Something  analogous  is  practised  in  Eng- 
land as  the  bride  leaves  her  parents'  house.  When 
the  wedding  breakfast  is  nearly  over,  the  friends 
take  up  their  position  at  the  door  of  the  house,  and 
lie  in  wait  for  the  young  couple.  Their  appearance 
is  the  signal  for  cheers  ;  and  then  down  falls  on  their 
heads,  in  their  necks,  on  their  backs,  a  shower  of 
rice,  and  of  all  the  old  slippers  that  are  to  be  found 
in  the  house.  Parents,  friends,  guests,  servants, 
neighbours,  all  join  in  the  fun.  On  the  part  of  the 
parents,  this  old  custom  means :  "  Ah  !  rascal,  you 
are  taking  away  my  daughter!  there,  take  that!" 
On  the  part  of  the  friends  and  the  busy-bodies  of  the 
neighbourhood,  it  means:  "Ah!  you  wolf!  you  are 
stealing  a  lamb  from  the  fold!  there,  take  this!" 
Of  course  the  origin  of  this  custom  must  be  looked 
for  a  little  further.  The  rice  is  the  symbol  of  plenty, 
and  the  old  slippers  the  symbol  of  good  luck.  You 
must  turn  up  your  collar  and  shelter  yourself  as  best 
you  can  against  tliis  hailstorm  that  beats  upon  you 


JOHN   BULL   AND    HIS   ISLAND.  31 

from  all  sides,  and  jump  into  the  carriage  that  is 
waitincr  for  you.  Crack  goes  the  whip  !  off  for  the 
honeymoon  !  and  you  have  richly  earned  it. 

After  marriage  the  young  Athenian  or  Roman  wife 
was  completely  severed  from  her  own  family.  She 
lost  her  family  rights,  even  her  gods,  which  she  ex- 
changed for  those  of  her  husband.  In  England,  the 
young  married  woman  is  no  longer  at  home  in  her 
father's  house  ;  she  goes  there  on  a  visit,  and  all  are 
glad  to  see  her,  but  she  is  no  more  one  of  the  inner 
family  circle.     Visits  are  counted. 

It  is  a  common  mistake,  generally  made  in  France, 
to  believe  that  primogenitureship  exists  in  England. 
Quite  on  the  contrary,  there  is  nothing  to  prevent  a 
man  from  making  his  will  exactly  as  he  pleases. 
Birthright  exists  only  in  the  aristocracy.  The  real 
estates  of  the  nobility  are  attached  to  the  title  and 
are  inalienable.  Yet  noblemen  can  dispose  of  their 
personal  property  as  may  seem  good  to  them.  As  a 
rule,  their  lives  are  insured  for  fabulous  sums, 
which,  at  their  death,  are  divided  among  their  chil- 
dren or  other  devisees.  Moreover,  the  younger  sons 
are  not  to  be  pitied  :  they  occupy  the  most  lucrative 
positions  in  the  army,  the  church,  and  the  diploma- 
tic and  other  civil  services  in  the  country  and  the 
Colonies.  A  nobleman,  on  his  deathbed,  recom- 
mends his  younger  sons  to  a  grateful  country,  which 
does  not  forget  them. 


VI. 

The  Women — Esthetes — When  an  Englishwoman  limps  all  the 
Englishwomen  limp — French  Girls  and  English  Girls — Liberty 
and  Independence — Breach  of  Promise —  Matrimony  made  easy 
— The  Women  of  the  Lower  Classes — Unsavoury  Flower-Girls 
— Couleur  Isabelle. 

Englishwomen  are  remarkable  for  their  fresh  com- 
plexions, their  decided  and  fearless  gait,  and  the 
length  of  their  feet,  which  reminds  one  that  twelve 
inches  go  to  the  foot  in  England.  Impossible  to 
mTxkQ  faux  pas  with  such  bases  as  these.  They  can- 
not lose  their  centre  of  gravity. 

When  they  are  pretty,  Englishwomen  have  no 
equals  upon  earth— they  are  angels  of  beauty  ;  but, 
too  often,  their  faces  have  no  expression,  their  eyes 
lack  lustre  and  piquancy,  their  teeth  are  long  and 
protruding,  and  v;hen  they  laugh,  they  show  their 
gums  like  a  rhinoceros.  They  have  only  the  beauty 
of  youth.  An  Englishwoman  is  seldom  handsome 
after  thirty.  The  lower-class  Avomen  of  London  are 
thin-faced  or  bloated-looking.  They  are  horribly 
pale  ;  there  is  no  colour  to  be  seen  except  on  the  tips 
of  their  noses. 

Their  sculptural  lines  (generally  straight  ones) 
are  suggestive,  pronounced,  exaggerated,  or  sup- 
pressed, according  to  th.e  fashion  of  the  day. 

In   1879,  it  became  fashionable  to  display  a  pro- 


JOHN    BULL   AND    HIS   LSLAND.  33 

ti'jberant  corsage.  There  was  not  a  woman,  even 
Uie  thinnest,  that  was  not  in  a  position  to  exliibit  a 
bust  that  would  liave  been  a  splendid  capital  to  a 
Burgundian  wet-nurse.  In  shop  windows  might 
have  been  seen  twin  gutta-percha  balloons,  or  bags 
of  millet-seed,  which  were  sold  under  the  name  of 
figure  improvers. 

The  esthetic  movement  has  caused  all  these  ridic- 
ulous deformities  to  disappear  as  if  by  enchantment. 

In  1881,  everyone  began  to  worship  the  beautiful. 
To  be  in  good  form,  one  had  to  become  intense,  ap- 
pear to  be  dying  of  decline  ;  therefore  to  be  lean  and 
pale,  to  have  one's  eyes  encircled  with  black  and  lost 
in  ethereal  regions.  The  supreme  object  was  to 
look  consumptive.  Walking  was  abandoned  for  a 
kind  of  crawl  ;  ordinary  meals  were  suspended,  a 
little  sustenance  was  taken  ;  voices  became  deep  and 
hollow  ;  the  face  was  made  to  express  disgust  for  the 
reality  of  the  world's  pursuits.  As  in  the  time  of 
Mascarille,  the  only  adverbs  employed  were  coiisuin- 
viately^  utterly,  terribly,  supremely.  These  lunatics: 
would  remain  hours  in  ecstatic  contemplation  of  a 
lily  or  an  old  cracked  china  tea-pot  ;  they  had  be- 
come terrible  geese,  consummate  idiots. 

The  female  esthete  wore  her  hair  cropped,  and 
her  dress  was  of  sombre  tint  and  fifteenth  century 
design.  The  male  esthete,  on  the  contrary,  let  his 
locks  grow  long,  and  looked,  at  a  glimpse,  as  if  he 
wore  a  chignon.  The  manners  of  the  sexes  were 
similar  :  the  same  limpness,  the  same  gait,  the  same 
play  of  features.  The  upper  part  of  the  face  had  to 
be  raised,  so  as  to  round  the  eyes  and  make  the  eye- 
brows disappear  under  the  hair,  while  the  lower  jaw 
3 


34  JOHN   BULL   AND    HIS   ISLAND. 

was  allowed  to  droop.  The  ideal  to  aim  at  was  the 
expression  of  the  gasping  carp.  A  long  sigh  was 
drawn  between  each  syllable  ;  consonants  were  pro- 
nounced as  indistinctly  as  possible,  and  vowels  were 
lengthened  into  long  diphthongs.  Stare  as  hard  as 
you  can,  stick  an  eyeglass  in  your  eye,  put  an  ounce 
of  treacle  in  your  mouth,  now  look  at  yourself  in  the 
lookiag-glass  and  try  to  speak  :  you  will  see  an 
esthete. 

A  few  years  earlier  you  might  have  seen  all  the 
ladies  who  prided  themselves  upon  following  fash- 
ion's lead  walking  lame.  The  reason  was  a  slight 
lameness  of  the  Princess  of  Wales,  who  had  recently 
recovered  from  an  attack  of  rheumatism. 

These  remarks  are  offered  simply  in  answer  to  an 
assertion,  often  made,  that  the  women  of  England 
are  more  serious  than  their  French  sisters.  When 
ladies  have  no  house  to  keep,  no  children  to  bring 
up,  or  no  husband  to  follow,  I  will  admire  them  as 
much  as  you  please  ;  but  I  shall  always  hold  them 
capable,  when  they  like,  of  a  little  frivolity. 

In  many  respects  the  Englishwoman  is  superior  to 
the  Frenchwoman  :  she  is  more  natural  ;  she  is  less 
subject  to  vapours,  and  does  not  regularly  get  her 
migraine.  She  is  not  so  naive  as  the  young  French 
girl  ;  but,  on  the  other  hand,  she  is  less  childish. 
She  goes  out  without  her  mamma  or  her  maid,  gives 
you  a  hearty  grasp  of  the  hand,  and  looks  you  un- 
blushingly  in  the  face.  Unmarried,  free  as  tlic  air, 
she  may  go  to  a  theatre,  take  a  walk  or  even  a  jour- 
ney with  male  companions  ;  she  is  the  leader  of  so- 
ciety, indispensable  at  all  social  gatherings  and  pleas- 
ure parties.     Married,  she  does  not  boast  of  leading 


JOHN   BULL   AND    HIS   ISLAND,  35 

her  husband  by  the  nose  ;  she  attends  to  her  house 
and  children  ;  she  does  not  make  love  to  her  lius- 
band,  but  neither  does  she  make  love  to  other  men. 
If  she  is  not  more  demonstrative  towards  the  former, 
it  is,  iii  a  great  measure,  his  own  fault :  he  permits 
no  liberties  to  be  taken  with  him.  The  Englishman 
has  not  the  bump  of  amativeness  ;  his  neck,  on  an 
av^erage,  does  not  measure  more  than  fourteen 
inches  ;  her  enticing  ways  would  be  entirely  lost 
upon  him.  In  her  dignity,  the  Englishwoman  re- 
frains from  making  advances  towards  her  lord  and 
master  for  fear  of  tlieir  not  being  met  with  approval. 

In  France,  after  church  on  Sundays,  we  are  accus- 
tomed to  see  young  girls  going  to  the  public  prome- 
nade to  show  their  little  new  shoes.  Their  eyes  are 
bent  on  the  ground,  they  walk  with  little  jerky  steps  ; 
it  is  a  little  exhibition.  Mamma  wliispers  on  either 
side  :  "  My  daughter  will  have  a  hundred  thousand 
francs  for  her  doty  These  public  Sunday  walks,  in 
country  towns,  always  remind  me  of  a  fair  at  which 
the  mothers  trot  out  their  daughters  for  inspection. 
No  long,  free,  health-giving  country  walks  there. 
No  !  The  roads  are  muddy,  and  the  damp  would 
penetrate  the  little  delicate  boots,  and  the  pointed 
heels,  intelligently  fixed  almost  in  the  centre  of  the 
sole,  are  not  calculated  to  encourage  walking  ;  be- 
sides, who  would  there  be  to  notice  the  silk  dresses 
ind  fifty-franc  hats  ? 

Now  look  at  the  young  English  girl,  with  her  hair 
knotted  simply  on  her  neck  ;  she  wears  a  sixpenny 
straw  hat,  which  she  has  turned  up  on   one  side,  a 
cotton   dress,    and    strong-soled,    low-heeled    boots 
Racket  in  hand,  see  her  setting  out  with  some  young 


36  JOHN    BULL   AMD    HIS    ISLAND. 

fellows,  and  a  troop  of  other  girls  as  simply  dressed 
as  herself,  to  go  to  some  distant  field  and  play  a 
game  of  lawn-tennis.  Not  one  mamma  in  the  party. 
On  her  return  home  she  devours  her  dinner  without 
shame.  What  she  values  above  gracefulness  is 
health.  It  is  no  compliment  to  say  to  an  English 
girl :  "  You  eat  like  a  little  bird  ;"  it  would  be  a  re- 
proach. You  will  see  the  prettiest  eat  cheese  and 
heartily  crunch  a  stick  of  raw  celery. 

Summer  and  winter  the  English  woman  takes  a 
cold  bath  every  morning  :  whence  her  fresh  com- 
plexion, her  vigour,  and  her  resplendent  look  of 
health. 

A  young  girl  of  fifteen  travels  alone.  I  know 
some  who  come  thus  to  School  in  London  from  the 
north  of  Scotland.  In  France,  a  young  lady  would 
not  go  without  her  maid  to  buy  herself  a  pair  of 
gloves  in  a  shop  on  the  opposite  side  of  the  street. 
I  remember  I  was  one  day  sitting  in  the  Champs 
Elysees  with  two  English  ladies.  Beside  us  was  a 
young  French  girl  with  her  father  and  mother.  The 
person  on  the  right  of  papa  rose  and  went  away,  and 
we  heard  the  young  innocent  say  to  lier  mother  : 
"  ^Nlamma,  may  I  go  and  sit  by  papa?"  It  was  a 
baby  of  about  eighteen  or  twenty.  Those  English 
ladies  laugh  over  the  affair  to  this  day. 

With  us  a  too  strict  watch  over  our  children,  and 
the  fear  of  giving  them  too  much  liberty,  engender 
a  love  of  the  secret  and  mysterious.  Everything  in 
an  English  education  tends  to  make  young  people 
self-reliant.  No  mother  or  governess  would  think 
of  opening  a  letter  addressed  to  her  daughter  oi 
pupil  ;  the   girl  has  her  private  correspondence  aa 


JOHN   BULL  AND   HIS   ISLAND.  T,"^ 

sacred  as  that  of  her  elders.  No  letters  received  on 
the  sly  ;  no  letters  written  to  young  sweethearts  at 
midnight.  The  absence  of  suspicion  destroys  the 
charm  of  mystery.  It  is  the  Bartholos  that  make 
the  Rosines ;  and,  alas,  the  Rosines  that  become 
Countess  Almavivas.  Virtue  springs,  blooms,  and 
ripens  beneath  the  generous  rays  of  liberty  and  con- 
fidence. 

The  English  girl  has  not  her  modesty  shocked  at 
every  turn.  She  can  buy  a  book  or  paper  and  read 
them  ....  without  having  her  eyes  opened.  She 
has  no  need  to  hide  her  novel  under  her  pillow  ;  she 
can  read  it  in  the  drawing-room  before  her  friends. 
The  comic  papers  are  written  for  her  as  well  as  for 
others.  I  take  this  to  be  the  result  of  the  liberty  of 
the  press ;  public  opinion  is  the  best  of  censors. 
When  one  looks  at  the  comic  papers  of  France,  one 
is  tempted  to  ask  one's  self  whether  the  cocottc  and 
the  adulterous  wife  are  the  heroines  of  French  so- 
ciety. 

Gentlemen  never  use  objectionable  expressions 
among  themselves,  nor  indulge  in  risky  jokes  in  the 
company  of  ladies. 

In  fact,  everything  in  this  country  seems  to  foste  • 
the  freedom  that  women  and  girls  possess.  In  a 
railway  station  you  will  see  written  up  over  the  door 
of  a  comfortable  and  well-furnished  room  :  "  Ladies' 
Waiting-room."  In  France  it  is  simply,  CCte  des 
dames  ;  Cotd  des  hommes.  In  Germany,  it  is  still  bet- 
ter :  "  Men  ;"  "Women."  In  Brittany,  it  is  sublime  ; 
there  is  no  distinction. 

Pride,  which  is  eminently  an  English  virtue,  en- 
genders sentiments  of  independence  even  in  young 


38  JOHN   BULL   AND    HIS   ISLAND. 

girls.  Daughters  of  good,  well-to-do  families,  fre^ 
quently  take  situations  in  offices,  paint  on  china,  or 
go  out  as  governesses  to  earn  their  own  pocket 
money.  Others  prefer  to  go  to  Canada,  India,  or 
Australia,  as  ladies'  companions,  rather  than  live  an 
idle  life  at  home.  Besides,  in  English  families, 
which  frequently  number  from  six  to  a  dozen  chil- 
dren, the  daughters  are  portionless,  and  their  matri- 
monial chances  are  far  greater  abroad  than  in  their 
mother-country.  So  many  of  the  younger  men  of 
the  country  have  emigrated,  that  women  are  wanted 
in  the  Colonies,  and  England  has  too  many. 

The  girls  of  the  middle  classes,  I  have  said  al- 
ready, have  no  dot ;  or,  if  some  have,  it  is  the  excep- 
tion, and  not  the  rule.  A  suitor,  who  said  to  a 
father,  "What  marriage  portion  shall  you  give  to 
your  daughter  ?  "  v/ould  be  promptly  and  ignomini- 
ously  dismissed  from  the  house.  When  a  man  takes 
a  Avife,  he  is  supposed  to  be  able  to  provide  for  her. 
But  a  man  is  not  at  all  bound  to  wait  until  he  is  in 
a  good  position  in  order  to  propose  for  a  wife.  No. 
I  know  young  students  who  are  engaged  to  young- 
ladies,  whom  they  w^ill  marry  as  soon  as  their  in- 
comes will  permit.  In  some  cases,  the  engagement 
lasts  for  years.  The  accepted  lover  is  received  in 
the  family  of  the  lady,  wlro,  in  her  turn,  is  personally 
introduced  by  him  to  his  friends  ;  and  he  is  freely 
allowed  to  take  her  to  parties  and  theatres. 

English  custom  permits  so  much  liberty  to  the 
young  affianced  couples  that  neither  party  is  al- 
lowed by  the  law  to  withdraw  from  the  engagement 
without  the  consent  of  the  other.  A  woman  may 
sue   the  lover  who   has  forsaken   her  for  damages. 


JOHN   BULL   AND    HIS   ISLAND.  39 

When  a  young  French  girl  lias  been  engaged  to  be 
married  and  the  engagement  falls  through,  there  is 
no  harm  done  :  the  young  people  have  only  met  in 
the  company  of  their  friends.  But  in  England  the 
case  is  different  ;  for  years,  perhaps,  the  lovers  have 
been  in  tlie  habit  of  taking  sentimental  and  more  or 
less  solitary  walks  together.  The  young  English- 
woman who  has  been  engaged  is  a  flower  whose 
bloom  has  been  a  little  rubbed  off,  and  in  the  eyes 
of  other  men  she  has  lost  some  of  her  value.  So  if 
her  lover  leaves  her  without  a  cause,  the  law  allows 
her  compensation  in  the  form  of  damages.  The  ac- 
counts of  breach  of  promise  cases  are  the  delight  of 
ladies.  And,  indeed,  some  of  them  are  exceedingly 
amusing.  The  love  letters  are  all  read  aloud  in 
court.  The  young  plaintiff  lays  at  the  feet  of  the 
jury  all  the  vows  and  kisses  she  has  received.  Some- 
times it  is  a  sweet  maid  of  forty,  all  broken-hearted, 
pleading  her  cause  against  a  faithless  lover  who  has 
forsaken  her  for  a  younger,  prettier,  or  richer  bride. 
Another  time  it  is  some  young  schemer,  robbed  of 
his  dearest  hopes,  who  sees  a  nice  little  fortune  slip- 
ping from  his  grasp,  and  comes  to  ask  the  court  to 
make  him  some  compensation  for  the  wrong  done 
to  his  innocence  and  candour.  I  remember  one 
who  asked  considerable  damages  because,  said  he, 
he  had  given  up  a  good  situation  in  order  to  live 
quietly  with  his  future  wife  upon  the  income  she 
possessed.  I  know  one  Englishman  who  was  con- 
demned to  pay  five  hundred  pounds  to  a  young  girl 
for  having  neglected  to  carry  out  his  promise  of 
marriage.  A  month  later,  he  led  her  to  the  altar— 
to  get  back  his  money. 


40  JOHN   BULL   AND    HIS   ISLAND. 

Nothing  is  easier  than  to  get  married  in  England  ■, 
no  papers  to  produce,  no  consent  to  obtain  •/  a 
declaration,  witnessed  by  two  persons,  to  make 
before  the  registrar,  and  that  is  all. 

A  girl  goes  out  one  fine  morning  to  post  a  letter, 
and,  on  her  return,  informs  her  parents  that  she  is 
married.  Thus  does  she  act,  if  she  is  above  one- 
and-twenty  and  her  parents  throw  obstacles  in  the 
way  of  her  getting  married. 

The  husband  of  an  unfaithful  wife  is  not  an 
object  of  ridicule  in  England  ;  he  has  only  to  prove 
adultery  on  the  part  of  his  wife  to  obtain  a  divorce. 
If  the  lover  be  a  rich  man,  the  husband  does  not 
fight  a  duel  with  him  ;  not  so  romantic,  not  so 
stupid  !  He  sues  him  for  damages  in  proportion  to 
the  injury  and  annoyance  he  has  sustained.  When 
the  lady  is  a  woman  of  fortune,  the  damages 
granted  sometimes  amount  to  a  fabulous  sum  of 
money,  and  the  husband  is  on  the  laughing  side. 

Just  as  neat  and  clean  as  are  the  women  of  the 
m.iddle  and  working  classes,  just  so  ignoble  and 
filthy  are  the  woman  of  the  lower  class.  It  is  the 
lowest  step  of  the  social  ladder.  These  creatures 
wear  no  linen.  They  are  covered  with  a  few 
loathsome  rags  ;  their  faces  are  haggard,  dirty,  and 
sullen-looking,  or  bloated  by  gin-drinking  ;  they 
have  at  least  one  black  eye,  dirty  hair  that  has  never 
felt  the  comb,  and  to  crown  the  whole,  an  old 
battered  bonnet  trimmed  with  feathers,  flowers  and 
lace.      Such  feathers  !  such  flowers  !  such  lace  ! 

The  old  women  especially  are  a  sight  not  to  be 
forgotten  !  They  do  not  go  to  the  workhouse,  be- 
cause there  they  would  have  to  work,  and  they  prefer 


JOHN   BULL   AND    HIS   ISLAND.  4I 

to  be  free  and  die  of  starvation  in  the  gutter.  You 
may  count  these  poor  degraded  wretches  by  hundreds 
of  thousands  in  London  alone.  The  young  ones  will 
not  go  out  into  service  :  they  prefer  working  in  man- 
ufactories, or,  more  frequently,  selling  matches,  flow- 
ers, or  worse  still  they  find  their  living  in  the  open 
air,  in  the  streets,  or  in  the  parks.  The  immorality 
of  these  girls  is  revolting.  Some  of  them  appear  to 
be  rather  pretty  ;  but  how  could  you  form  an  opinion 
of  tliem  without  soaking  them  in  warm  water  a  few 
days  ?  These  brazen-faced  creatures  may  look  from 
time  to  time  with  envy  at  the  neat,  smart,  fresh-look- 
ing little  housemaids  wlio  answer  the  door  in  the 
houses  of  the  well-to-do  classes ;  but  they  dread  the 
yoke.  It  is  always  the  story  of  the  Wolf  and  the  Dog. 
They  had  rather  want  for  everything,  and  keep  what 
tlicj  call  their  independence.  Respectable  servants 
all  come  from  the  country. 

That  which  strikes  a  foreigner  in  France  is  the 
simplicity  and  neatness  of  the  women  of  the  lower 
classes.  Ovir  peasant  women,  with  their  snowy  caps, 
their  open  faces,  that  tell  their  own  tale  of  a  peace- 
ful life  and  honest  work,  fill  tliem  with  astonishment. 
These  same  women  are  the  fortune  of  France  !  All 
our  worthy  country  girls  without  exception  have 
their  dozen  or  two  of  linen  to  take  with  them  to 
service.  In  England,  in  London  especially,  they  are 
brought  up  to  consider  themselves  quite  as  good  as 

ladies:  whence  the  trimmed  hats  and  finery 

but  no  chemise. 

Some  go  to  the  altar  "  when  they  have  pressing 
reasons  for  it,"  said  a  clergyman  of  the  Church  of 
England    to  me  one  day.     As  a  rule,   they  content 


42  JOHN   BULL   AND    HIS   ISLAND. 

themselves  with  the  altar  of  Nature  :  it  is  the  life  oi 
the  lov;er  animals. 

The  London  flower-girl  forms  a  curious  subject  of 
study  for  those  whose  ideas  of  flower-girls  are  founded 
upon  Alexandre  Dumas'  description  of  them  in  his 
novels  :  innocent  doves  to  whom  the  roi  Vert-Galant'-' 
did  not  disdain  to  throw  and  give  kisses.  The  voice 
of  the  London  flower  girl  has  the  hoarseness  of  the 
drunkard's  ;  she  exhales  a  stench  of  gin  and  dirt, 
and  swears  like  any  Norman  carter.  When  you  take 
a  rose  from  her  basket,  you  throw  her  a  penny,  tak- 
ing great  care  to  keep  at  a  respectful  distance.  I 
remember  to  have  seen,  in  1869,  on  the  course  at 
Longchamps,  the  Princess  of  Metternich  shake  hands 
with  Isabelle.  O  Isabelle  !  the  London  flower-girl 
has  nothing  in  common  with  thee  but  her  colour! 

*  Henry  IV.  of  France. 


VII. 

Cardboard  VHIa-  —  Magic  Boots — London  Tradespeople — Shop 
Signs — Adverlisements — Sandwiches — On,  a  French  Indefinite 
Pronoun — The  Spirit  of  Business — HabUr  is  not  Parler,  and 
vicd  versa. 

England  is  the  home  of  shoddy.  Thanks  to  free- 
trade,  yoii  can  have  a  cardboard  villa  for  two  hun- 
dred pounds,  and  a  silk  umbrella  for  one  and  six.  I 
don't  wish  to  speak  disrespectfully  of  free-trade  : 
there  is  a  reverse  side  to  every  medal,  and  the  quality 
must  often  suffer  from  this  mad  rage  for  buying  in 
the  cheapest  market.  Thanks  to  free-trade,  however, 
you  can  buy  a  pound  of  sugar  here  for  threepence, 
while  in  France  it  is  still  sold  at  eight  pence,  in 
order  that  a  few  refiners  may  make  rapid  fortunes. 
Here  no  one  would  think  of  telling  the  sun  to  hide 
his  face  so  that  the  candle  makers  might  make  their 
fortunes  in  half  the  time. 

The  houses  are  built  with  half-baked  bricks,  with- 
out a  single  stone.  These  houses  are  only  intended  to 
stand  for  ninety-nine  years,  after  which  they  become, 
by  right,  the  property  of  the  free-holder.  It  is  like 
placing  money  in  the  sinking  fund.  In  sixty  years 
time,  half  London  will  be  rebuilt.  I  say  iMndon,  be- 
cause in  the  provinces  the  ground  generally  belongs 
to  the  owner  of  the  house,  who  therefore  employs 
better  materials. 


44  JOHN   BULL   AND    IIIS   ISLAND. 

Pitnch,  whom  it  is  always  useful  to  consult  upon 
*hese  matters,  represents  an  alarmed  tenant,  who 
has  just  sent  for  his  landlord,  and  is  showing  him 
the  dining-room  wall,  which  has  given  way.  The 
poor  landlord  cannot  make  it  out  ;  but  all  at  once, 
striking  his  forehead,  he  exclaims  :  "  I'll  bet  some 
body  has  been  a  leanin'  agin  it  !  " 

WThdows  and  doors  close  badly.  It  is  in  vain  that 
you  make  a  fire  and  sit  in  front  of  it  :  your  back 
freezes.  I  have  heard  serious  Englishmen  declare 
that  houses  would  be  unhealthy  without  these 
draughts.  After  all,  this  is  very  possibly  true  ;  for 
the  bricks  of  which  they  are  built  must  contain  foid 
gases,  which  can  thus  partly  escape  through  tiie 
chinks  of  the  windows  and  doors. 

There  are  few  houses  which  do  not  show  signs  of 
damp  inside.  "  It  rains  indoors,  here,"  I  said  one 
day  to  my  landlord. — "  Well,  umbrellas  are  cheap 
enough,"  he  replied. 

Once  I  went  to  a  ready-made  boot  shop,  and 
bought  a  pair  of  patent  leather  boots,  for,  I  am 
bound  to  admit,  the  modest  sum  of  eleven  and 
sixpence.     I  was  going  to  a  ball  in  the  evening. 

After  dancing  for  about  an  hour,  I  felt  the  sole 
of  my  foot  getting  delightfully  cool.  Gliding 
carefully,  I  left  the  drawing-room  to  go  and  seek 
out  the  cause  of  this  unexpected  treat.  I  soon 
discovered  that  while  the  upper  part  of  my  boot 
faithfully  stuck  to  its  position,  the  lower  part,  sole 
and  heel,  had  become  transformed  into  a  sandal. 

Indignant,  I  went  next  day  to  the  shopkeeper, 
and  produced  the  offending  boot.  At  first  he 
appeared  quite  astonished. 


JOHN   BULL   AND    HIS   ISLAND.  45 

"  What  can  you  have  been  doing  with  these 
boots  ?  "  he  asked  me. 

"  Why,  dancing  in  them,  of  course,"  I  replied. 

"Oh,  well,"  cried  he,  "  that's  where  it  is." 

Moral  :  Pay  thirty  shillings  a  pair  for  your  boots  ; 
they  will  be  cheap  at  the  price. 

When  you  have  bought  all  you  require  in  a  shop, 
you  place  your  piece  of  gold  on  the  counter.  The 
shopkeeper  takes  it  up,  sounds  it  on  a  metal  plate 
to  be  sure  that  it  is  good,  and  hands  you  your 
change. 

You,  on  your  part,  try  all  the  silver  he  gives 
you.  "You  took  me  for  a  rogue;  I  take  you  for 
another  :  we  are  quits  ;  I  forgive  you." 

Under  the  present  system  of  education,  the 
shopkeeping  class  is  not  likely  to  improve.  In 
former  times  a  shopkeeper  loved  the  shop  where 
his  forefathers  had  honourably  carried  on  business, 
and  he  was  as  proud  of  the  signboard  over  his 
door  as  the  Montmorencys  of  their  escutcheon. 
Even  in  the  present  day,  in  France,  he  brings  up 
his  family  in  the  shop,  and  his  wife  is  not  ashamed 
to  sit  behind  the  counter  and  keep  his  books.  In 
England,  the  wife  and  daughters  of  the  shopkeeper 
are  ladies ;  they  play  the  piano,  and  go  about  in 
furs  and  gold  chains  to  display  the  large  profits  of 
papr;.  The  son  seldom  succeeds  his  father :  the 
business  is  sold  to  one  of  the  shopmen. 

Read  the  announcements  of  the  tradespeople, 
and  x'ou  will  see  that  they  are  all  celebrated. 
Their  articles  arc  known  all  over  England,  famous 
throughout  Europe,  or  llie  best  in  the  world.  If 
you   go    to    a   chemist    or    perfumer,   and   ask    him 


46  JOHN   BULL   AND   HIS   ISLAND. 

whether  he  keeps  Farina's  Eau  de  Cologne,  or  any 
other  well-known  article  of  pharmacy  or  perfumery, 
.he  will  invariably  reply  :  "  Yes,  we  have  the  article 
you  name  ;  but  if  you  will  try  our  own,  you  will 
find  it  far  superior." 

The  most  insignificant  apothecary  has  his  own 
tooth-pastes,  and  washes  for  promoting  the  growth 
of  the  hair,  or  for  imparting  to  the  complexion  the 
lustre  of  youth,  all  of  them  of  his  own  make.  He 
prefers  selling  these  articles,  because  he  knows 
what  they  cost  him,  whilst  upon  well-known  prep- 
arations he  can  only  make  a  modest  profit. 

The  London  public,  tired  of  paying  outrageous 
prices  to  the  tradespeople,  has  organised  co-opera- 
tive societies  all  over  the  metropolis.  People  joined 
together,  took  premises,  and  stocked  them  with  mer- 
chandise procured  wholesale.  Companies  soon  fol- 
lowed, all  founded  upon  the  same  principle,  and  at 
the  end  of  a  few  months  only,  most  tradesmen  put 
up  the  following  announcement  in  their  shops  : 
"  Things  sold  here  at  co-operative  prices."  What  is 
certain  is,  that  articles  of  every-day  use  have  dimin- 
ished in  price  since  the  establishment  of  this  formi- 
dable competition.  I  used  to  pay  eight  shillings  a 
bottle  for  a  tonic  that  I  have  been  taking  regularly 
for  years.  I  now  get  this  medicine  made  up  at  the 
stores  of  which  I  am  a  member,  and  it  costs  me 
three  shillings  :  it  is  still  two  shillings  profit  for  the 
druggist  ;  but  I  grumble  no  more. 

I  know  a  sharper  who  has  put  up  over  his  door  : 
"For  a  shopkeeper,  honesty  is  the  best  policy." 
His  shop  is  besieged  on  Saturday  nights. 

In  one  of  the  City  streets  may  be  seen  two  um 


JOHN   BULL   AND   HIS   ISLAND.  47 

brella  makers'  shops  side  by  side.  Tlie  master  of 
one  has  written  up  on  a  red  board  :  "If  you  do  not 
wish  to  be  disappointed,  you  must  buy  your  um- 
brella here."  His  neighbour  displays  a  blue  board, 
on  whicii  is  written  in  golden  letters  :  "  If  it  is  a 
really  good  umbrella  that  you  want,  look  sharp  ;  my 
shop  is  the  place  where  you  will  find  it." 

Every  grocer — I  might  say  without  exception — 
displays  the  following  announcement  in  his  shop : 
"  When  you  have  once  tasted  our  tea,  you  will  drink 
no  other."  One  of  the  largest  tea-houses  is  not 
ashamed  to  publish  the  following  advertisement  in 
all  the  public  thoroughfares  and  railway  stations  of 
England.  "We  sell  at  three  shillings  a  pound  the 
same  tea  as  we  supply  to  dukes,  marquises,  earls, 
barons,  and  the  gentry  of  the  country."  The  poor 
viscounts  are  left  out  :  it  is  a  regrettable  oversight. 

The  English  are  better  traders  than  manufac- 
turers. The  article  they  produce  has  no  finish,  no 
elegance.  The  French  workman  is  an  artist  in  his 
way ;  the  work  of  the  English  artisan  is  purely 
manual,  and  he  only  turns  out  substantial  things. 

As  agents,  the  English  are  not  to  be  surpassed. 
This  kind  of  business  was  first  started  by  the  Jews. 
They  prefer  being  agents  and  brokers  to  being 
manufacturers  ;  it  gives  them  an  opportunity  of 
plundering  two  Philistines — the  producer  and  the 
consumer. 

Fabulous  sums  are  spent  in  advertising.  The 
Times  has  more  than  sixty  closely  printed  columns 
of  advertisements  every  day.  Some  firms  advertise 
in  every  newspaper  and  railway  station  throughout 
the   kingdom,  and  on  the  cover  of  every  book  and 


48  JOHN    BULL   AND    HIS   ISLAND. 

periodical  that  appears.  These  advertisements  are 
often  cautions,  indeed,  the  public  should  take  them  as 
avcrtisscmcnts.  Judge  for  yourself  :  I  will  give  you 
two  or  three. 

"  It  will  soon  be  considered  a  crime  in  the  eyes  of 
the  law  to  have  allowed  a  patient  to  die  without  hav- 
ing given  him  a  dose  of  Eno's  (so  he  does)  Fruit 
Salt.     Sold  at  2S.  pd." 

"To  let,  a  Journalist,  by  the  week  or  month. 
Will  supply  articles  on  travels,  biographies,  and  es- 
says." This  advertisement  appeared  in  the  Athe- 
nccum,  the  best  English  literary  paper.  Again  : 
"  Upon  receipt  of  a  stamped  envelope  will  be  sent 
the  photograph  of  a  baby  before  and  after  taking 
Dr.  Ridge's  Food." 

The  best  advertisements  are  those  that  promenade 
the  streets  in  a  file.  These  poor  devils,  forsaken  of 
God  and  man,  that  carry  two  boards,  one  on  the 
chest  and  one  on  the  back,  have  been  aptl}^  named 
"sandwiches." 

I  was  walking  one  day  in  Fleet  Street,  when,  to 
my  great  astonishment,  I  saw  pass  a  dozen  fellows 
with  shaved  heads  and  dressed  in  convicts'  uniform. 
They  were  accompanied  by  a  warder.  "  It  is  shame- 
ful," said  I  to  a  friend  at  my  side,  "  that  those  poor 
creatures  should  not  be  taken  away  in  a  van."  They 
were  chained  in  couples,  and  on  their  backs  a  large 
"14"  was  visible.  It  was  the  advertisement  of  a 
vaudeville  named  "  Fourteen  Days,"  and  which  was 
being  played  with  success  at  the  Criterion  Theatre 
at  the  time. 

At  the  windows  of  all  fashionable  shops  you  see  : 
Ici  on  parle  fran^ais.      The    indefinite    pronoun    on 


JOHN   BULL   AND    HIS    ISLAND.  49 

generally  refers  here  to  the  person  who  happens  to 
be  out  when  yon  enter  the  shop.  I  speak  from  ex- 
perience. 

The  spirit  of  business  in  England  has  reached  its 
highest  pitch.  I  know  a  north  country  sliipovvner 
who  sold  his  sailing  vessels  to  his  sons,  and  then 
competed  with  them  witli  steamers. 

When  you  pay  a  railway  fare  you  can,  at  the  same 
time,  by  paying  threepence  extra,  have  an  insurance 
ticket.  If  an  accident  should  happen  and  you  were 
killed,  the  company  would  pay  to  your  heirs  the 
sum  of  a  thousand  pounds.  I  know  an  Englishman 
who  never  fails  to  provide  himself  with  a  ticket  of 
this  sort.  "Every  time  I  reach  my  destination  safe 
and  sound,"  said  he  to  me  one  day,  "would  you  be- 
lieve it  ?  ....   I  feel  a  little  bit  disappointed." 

There  is  not  a  man  who  lifts  his  hat  as  a  funeral 
passes  through  the  streets.  In  this  country  you 
must  be  useful  in  order  to  inspire  esteem  or  respect, 
and  a  dead  person  is  not  useful.  I  know  nothing 
more  saddening  than  the  sight  of  an  English  funeral. 
They  manage  these  things  better  in  Ireland.  At  any 
rate,  they  manage  them  more  gaily  ;  they  all  get 
drunk  at  the  funeral  of  a  relative  or  friend. 

John  Bull,  good  patriot  as  he  is,  prefers  a  British 
article  to  any  other.  When  he  is  obliged  to  keep 
one  of  dubious  quality,  he  baptizes  it  with  a  foreign 
name.  We  are  all  the  same,  for  that  matter.  What 
we  French  call  "  the  Neapolitan  disease  "  is  the  same 
as  that  which  the  Italians  call  "the  French  disease." 
The  Germans  seem,  in  England,  to  have  obtained 
4 


so  JOHN   BULL   AND    HIS   ISLAND. 

the  preference.  The  adjective  Germati  seems  to  be 
in  English  synonymous  with  bad.  German  silver 
and  German  sausages  are  articles  that  I  would  not 
recommend  to  my  bitterest  foe. 

To  go  away  without  saying  good  bye  is  called  in 
English  "to  take  French  leave." 

The  Spanish  word  hablar,  which  means  "  to  speak," 
gave  us  the  French  word  habler,  which  means  "  to 
speak  boastfully."  The  Spanish  have  taken  their 
revenge  :  "to  speak  boastfully"  is,  in  their  language, 
parlar.     Take  that ! 


VIII. 

Other  Days,  other  Ways — My  Wife  in  Despair — Nothing  succeeds 
like  Success — Poverty  no  Virtue — A  Nation  of  Bees — English 
and  French  Noblemen — Parvenus — A  well-chosen  Toast. 

M.  GuizoT  tells  us  that  Alfred,  to  put  the  honesty  of 
his  subjects  to  the  test,  used  to  cause  bracelets  of 
gold  to  be  hung  up  in  public  places.  They  were 
never  stolen,  and  if  a  traveller  dropped  his  purse  by 
the  roadside,  he  had  no  need  to  turn  back  and  seek 
it,  for  he  was  certain  to  find  it  untouched,  even 
though  he  did  not  pass  that  way  again  for  a  month. 
Such  was  the  Saxon  in  the  time  of  Alfred  the 
Great.  Quantum  mutatus  ab  illo  !  How  the  railway 
has  changed  him!  I  maintain  that  a  London  shop- 
keeper would  consider  himself  dishonoured  if  he  did 
not  give  false  weight  ;  that  a  railway  booking  clerk 
would  go  and  hang  himself  if  he  could  not  rob  you  of 
a  shilling  out  of  the  change  of  a  sovereign;  that  an 
omnibus  conductor  would  not  keep  to  his  occupation 
a  month  if  he  could  not  double  his  wages  by  cheat- 
ing the  company  or  the  passengers  ;  that  no  cab- 
driv^er  ever  in  his  life  demanded  the  right  fare,  and 
has  even  very  rarely  accepted  it ;  that  no  blind  beg- 
gar ever  said  "Thank  you,"  before  having  made 
sure  with  his  own  eyes  that  the  coin  offered  to  him 
was  a  good  one. 


52  JOHN   BULL  AND    HIS   ISLAND. 

My  wife  came  home  one  day  disconsolate. 
"What  do  you  think  ?"  she  said  to  me,  "  I  gave  a 
two-shilling  piece  to  the  omnibus  conductor,  and  I 
find  he  has  given  me  two  and  three-pence  change. 
Fancy,  poor  fellow  !  perhaps  the  father  of  a  family, 
and  he  will  have  to  make  up  the  sixpence  to  the 
company  out  of  his  own  pocket."  I  Avas  just  going 
to  mingle  my  lamentations  with  those  of  my  wife, 
when  it  occurred  to  me  to  ask  her  to  let  me  see  the 
florin  in  question.  "  Console  yourself,''  said  I,  after 
having  examined  it  ;  "the  children  of  the  poor  fel- 
low will  have  a  good  time  to-morrow."  The  florin 
was  a  bad  one. 

The  first  wedding  present  that  an  English  mamma 
gives  a  married  daughter  is  a  pair  of  scales.  Every 
mistress  of  a  house  knows  that  it  is  necessary  to 
weigh  all  provisions,  and  continue  to  change  trades- 
people until  one  has  ascertained  which  of  them 
gives  the  nearest  approach  to  proper  weight. 

It  would  be  very  wrong  to  apply  to  all  the  trades- 
people of  England  the  remarks  which  I  have  just 
made  about  the  lower-class  ones  of  London.  In 
the  country,  I  have  always  found  them  to  be  polite, 
upright,  and  of  an  education  that  I  might  almost 
call  superior. 

In  England,  you  must  before  all  things  be  suc- 
cessful. No  one  pities  the  man  who  is  down,  he  is 
shunned  and  ridiculed.  He  is  called  a  lazy  fellow 
or  a  fool ;  you  may  choose  which  you  prefer  to  be. 
The  aristocrat  and  the  rich  man,  such  are  the 
Englishman's  two  idols.  John  Bull,  upon  his 
deatlibed,   invariably  says    to  his    heir:    "My  son, 


JOHN   BULL   AND   HIS   ISLAND.  53 

get  money,  honestly  if  you  can  ;  but  get  money."  * 
Here,  more  tlian  anywhere, 

"  La  vcrtu  sans  argent  est  un  niettble  inutile." 

Nothing  succeeds  like  success,  runs  the  English 
proverb.  That  signifies,  in  good  plain  English, 
that  the  end  justifies  the  means,  and  that  if  you 
have  kept  within  the  law  in  building  up  your 
fortune,  very  few  people  will  question  you  as  to  the 
means  by  which  you  attained  your  object.  Legal 
and  loyal  are  doublets,  says  the  philologist.  Alas  ! 
so  they  are  ;  loyal  is  the  good  old  popular  form  ; 
legal  is  a  word  of  recent  and  learned  formation, 
with  a  signification  suited  to  the  exigencies  of 
modern  civilization. 

Become  a  rich  man  in  England,  and  you  will  have 
acquired  every  good  quality,  nay,  every  talent.  You 
may  patronise  the  arts,  govern  the  public  schools,  be 
Member  for  the  University  of  Oxford,  Member  of 
the  House  of  Lords  even.  "  A  man  of  wealth  is 
dubbed  a  n>an  of  worth."    It  is  Pope  who  has  said  it. 

Poverty  is  no  vice  in  France.     It  is  in  England. 

But  everything  has  its  redeeming  point.  This 
thirst  for  wealth,  this  adoration  of  the  golden  calf, 
has  made  the  English  nation  a  nation  of  beeso 
Everyone  works.  The  heir  of  a  millionaire  does  not 
dream  of  a  life  of  idleness.  The  Duke  of  Argyle, 
whose  eldest  son  is  the  husband  of  one  of  the 
Queen's  daughters,  has  another  who  is  established 
in  Liverpool  as  a  tea  merchant.  Our  country  lord- 
lings  would  think  they  were  lowering  their  dignity 

*  rem, 

si  possis,  recle  ;  si  non,  qiiocumque  mode,  rem. 


54  JOHN   BULL   AND   HIS   ISLAND. 

in  cont^ibuting  to  the  prosperity  and  wealth  of  the 
nation.  In  their  uselessness,  they  prefer  vegetating 
upon  a  few  hundred  francs  a  year,  passing  their  time 
at  e'carte  in  theii  clubs,  running  into  debt,  and  bor- 
rowing a  small  sum  to  enable  them  to  present  their 
parish  church  with  a  stained-glass  window,  that 
shall  hand  down  to  posterity  the  glorious  naine  of 
an  ever  parasitical  family. 

Give  fifty  thousand  francs  to  a  Frenchman,  and  he 
will  place  them  in  the  funds  and  retire  from  active 
life.  Give  the  same  sum  to  an  Englishman,  and  he 
will  either  spend  it  in  a  month,  or  go  to  tlie  colonies 
and  turn  farmer.  It  is  all  or  nothing  with  hin.. 
Fifty  thousand  francs !  In  English  money  that  makes 
but  two  thousand  pounds !  What  a  meagre  sum  ! 
Mow  small  it  sounds  to  the  ear  of  an  Englishman  ! 

In  landed  property  alone  the  Duke  of  Devonshire 
has  a  fortune  which  amounts  to  about  eight  millions 
of  pounds  sterling,  which  means  two  hundred  mil- 
lions of  francs.  He  is  one  of  the  richest  of  the  peers 
of  England,  but  there  are  many  richer  than  he.  The 
Duke  of  Westminster,  for  instance,  whose  foitune  is 
something  incredible. 

The  word  nobleman,  in  English,  is  almost  synony- 
mous with  rich  man  ;  this  is  the  secret  of  the  prestige 
enjoyed  by  the  aristocracy.  The  day  on  which  the 
aristocracy  have  the  right  to  dispose,  according  to 
their  pleasure,  of  the  property  which  now  increases 
day  by  day  on  account  of  the  law  of  primogeniture- 
ship,  they  will  cease  to  be  a  political  power,  they 
will  become  just  what  their  French  brethren  are,  a 
group  of  prejudiced  men. 

The  English  parvenu  is  still    more    objectionable 


JOHN   BULL   AND    HIS   ISLAND.  55 

than  his  like  in  France,  because  he  has  not,  as  the 
latter  has,  a  certain  leaven  of  admiration  and  respect 
for  knowledge  and  talent.  When  he  is  in  good  so- 
ciety, the  Frenchman  contents  himself  with  rattling 
his  guineas  ;  while  the  other  will  tell  you,  without 
hesitation,  that  he  might  have  turned  his  hand  to 
poetry  or  painting,  or  easily  learnt  Latin  and  Greek, 
if  he  had  set  himself  about  it ;  but  that,  like  a  good 
Briton,  he  preferred  to  be  useful  to  his  country  and 
go  in  for  business.  Barring  this,  the  two  types  are 
similar,  always  excepting  this  little  difference — that 
the  French  specimen  has  invariably  arrived  in  Paris 
in  wooden  shoes,  and  with  forty  sous  in  his  pocket, 
whereas  this  kind  of  covering  for  the  feet  is  un- 
known in  England,  and  the  English  parvenu  always 
comes  up  to  London  wnth  only  lialf-a-crown  about 
him. 

I  happened  to  be  dining  one  day  at  the  same  table 
as  the  Lord  Mayor  of  London,  the  king  of  English 
parvenus.  At  dessert,  my  Lord  Mayor  brought  the 
subject  of  education  upon  the  table.  The  subject 
was  well  chosen,  for  the  company  was  composed  of 
about  a  hundred  journalists,  men  of  letters,  and 
other  professional  men.  "  Well,  you  know,"  said  he, 
"  I  admire  education  very  much,  but  I  doubt  whether 
it  really  does  as  much  good  as  is  supposed  ;  in  fact, 
I  am  inclined  to  believe  that  it  does  as  much  harm 
as  good.  According  to  my  ideas,  every  boy  of 
twelve  should  be  taken  from  school  and  put  in  the 
way  of  earning  his  bread  and  cheese;  it  is  qui'e 
enough  for  him  to  be  able  to  read,  write,  and  cipher, 
to  know  a  little  history  and  geography.  More  edu- 
cation than  this  can  only  do  him  harm,  by  turning 


56  JOHN   BULL   AND    HIS   ISLAND, 

away  his  attention  from  the  main  object  of  life,  whicli 
is  to  get  on  in  the  world.  Look  at  my  case  :  I  left 
home  at  eleven  years  of  age,  to  learn  a  trade.  T 
never  had  more  than  an  elementary  education,  and 
yet,  you  see,  I  am  now  Lord  Mayor  of  London." 
Such  were  the  remarks,  full  of  good  taste,  that  his 
lordship  thought  fit  to  make  before  an  assembly  com- 
posed in  a  great  measure,  as  I  said,  of  professional 
and  Uterary  men. 


IX. 

London. — The  Town — The  Parks — The  Streets — Heartrending 
Sights — Drunkenness — More  Sandwiches — Other  remunerative 
Employments — Flourishing  Business — The  Language  of  the 
Streets — The  Monuments — Fogs — Let  us  be  off. 

"Hell  is  a  city  much  like  London,"  said  the  great 
poet  Shelley. 

London  is,  indeed,  an  ignoble  mixture  of  beer  and 
bible,  of  gin  and  gospel,  of  drunkenness  and  hypo- 
crisy, of  unheard-of  squalor  and  unbridled  luxury, 
of  misery  and  prosperity,  of  poor,  abject,  shivering, 
starving  creatures,  and  people  insolent  with  happi- 
ness and  wealth,  whose  revenues  would  appear  to  us 
a  colossal  fortime. 

Except  at  the  East  End,  the  poor  are  not  confined 
to  any  special  quarter  of  the  capital ;  you  may  see 
them  everywhere,  clothed  in  rags  and  degradation. 
In  this  free  country,  the  most  abject  human  beings 
seem  to  go  about  clothed  with  a  covering  that  re- 
sembles in  form  the  vestures  of  the  upper  classes, 
just  to  parade  their  misery  in  the  open  street,  as  a 
constant  reproach  to  the  indifference  and  contempt 
of  the  rich.  A  celebrated  author  commits  a  serious 
error,  an  error  which  only  his  short  stay  in  England 
can  account  for,  when  he  says  that  there  are  no  beg- 
gars or  low  people  to  be  seen  in  the  parks  of  Lon- 
don.    These   places  swarm   with   tlicm,  and    so    do 


58  JOHN   BULL   AND   HIS   ISLAND. 

Regent  Street,  Oxford  Street,  and  all  the  great  arte- 
ries of  the  town. 

Let  us  take  a  look  at  the  public  promenades. 

Hyde  Park  is  a  kind  of  large  field  badly  kept  in 
order,  and  situated  in  the  midst  of  London.  There 
may  be  seen  by  day  the  richest  aristocracy  in  the 
world,  on  horseback,  or  in  their  carriages,  going 
round  and  round  the  gravelled  drives.  At  nightfall, 
Hyde  Park  becomes  a  resort  for  cut-throats,  a  huge 
litpanar  at  sixpence  a  head,  that  an  Englishman  will 
advise  you  to  carefully  avoid  ;  the  vilest  scum  of  the 
streets  meet  there  to  wallow  in  the  mire  to  their 
heart's  content  ;  the  gates  are  left  open  purposely 
by  night.  The  policemen  who  stand  at  the  entrance 
could  easily  cleanse  this  hotbed  of  vice  ;  but  they 
have  express  orders  not  to  meddle  in  that  which,  it 
would  appear,  is  not  their  business.  The  London 
populace  is  a  malignant  one  ;  it  is  best  not  to  med- 
dle with  it. 

By  the  side  of  Hyde  Park  stands  Kensington  Gar- 
dens. This  place  has  something  of  the  solemn  gran- 
deur of  a  wood  about  it — something  uncultivated 
that  delights  the  eye.  It  is  like  a  good  mile  of  the 
Forest  of  St.  Germain  in  the  heart  of  town.  In 
France,  our  public  gardens  are  placed  under  the 
care  of  some  ex-sergeant,  whose  ideas  never  soar 
beyond  obeying  the  orders  of  his  superior,  and  keep- 
ing everything  in  line.  If  a  refractory  leaf  does  but 
attract  his  attention,  une,  deussc,  it  disappears.  Our 
trees  in  the  Tuileries  look  like  the  little  green  imi- 
tations that  are  put  into  children's  toy  farmyards. 
Good  old  Abbe  Gaultier,  from  whom  we  have  all 
learnt  a  little  geography,  speaks  of  the  famous  Dcyk 


JOHN   BULL   AND    HIS   ISLAND.  59 

of  Versailles,  where  Art  has  forced  Nature.  Over 
here,  Art  leaves  Nature  alone,  because  the  English 
respect  and  appreciate  her  much  more  than  we. 
Nothing  is  more  imposing  than  the  exuberant  beauty 
of  the  English  parks.  Take  a  walk  across  them  in 
the  early  morning,  when  there  is  no  one  stirring,  and 
the  nightingale  is  singing  high  up  in  some  gigantic 
tree  ;  it  is  one  of  the  rare  pleasures  that  you  will 
find  within  your  reach  in  London.  If  the  morning 
be  fine,  you  will  not  fail  to  be  struck  with  a  lovely 
pearl-gray  haze,  soft  and  subdued,  that  I  never  saw 
in  such  perfection  as  in  the  London  parks.  Re- 
gent's Park,  Green  Park,  and  St.  James's  Park,  the 
latter  especially,  which  is  near  to  Buckingham  Pal- 
ace, Whitehall,  and  the  Palace  of  Westminster,  are 
exceedingly  fine. 

I  advise  all  who  pay  a  visit  to  London  to  wander 
outside  the  city,  and  take  a  look  at  Kew  Gardens, 
Richmond  Park,  and  the  chestnut  trees  of  Plamp- 
ion  Court.  ' 

Let  us  now  turn  to  the  streets. 

What  strikes  one  at  first  sight,  is  the  nomenclature 
of  these  streets.  England,  who  can  boast  with  rea- 
son of  the  finest  literature  in  the  world,  does  not 
name  her  streets  after  her  great  literary  worthies. 
When  names  were  wanted,  no  one  thought  of  Shake- 
speare, of  Spenser,  of  Gibbon,  of  Sterne,  of  Gold- 
smith, of  Burns,  of  Thackeray,  of  Dickens,  of  the 
hundreds  of  names  that  alone  would  be  sufficient  to 
make  England  glorious  for  ever.  The  streets  here 
are  called  after  the  aristocracy,  the  principal  towns 
of  the  kingdom,  and  tiie  landlords  who  built  the 
first  houses  in  them  :  Bedford  Square,  Russell  Sti-eet, 


60  JOHN   BULL   AND    HIS   ISLAND, 

Grosvenor  Square,  Liverpool  Road,  etc.  It  is  true 
that  I  know  a  Milton  Street,  and  an  Addison  Road  ; 
but  it  must  be  remembered  that  Milton  was  secre- 
tary to  Oliver  Cromwell,  and  wrote  religious  poems. 
As  to  Addison,  it  is  not  to  his  poetical  works  or  his 
essays  that  he  owes  the  honour  of  having  a  street 
named  after  him  ;  it  is  to  the  fact  of  his  liaving  been 
a  statesman  driving  his  carriage  and  pair  through 
London  streets. 

The  main  thoroughfares  are  now  paved  with  wood. 
This  kind  of  paving  is  very  good  for  the  horses  and 
carriages,  also  for  the  contractors,  who  are  constantly 
being  called  into  requisition  to  mend  it. 

Something  that  astonishes  a  Frenchman  in  Lon- 
don is  to  see  well-dressed  men  smoking  their  pipes 
in  railway  carriages,  on  omnibuses,  and  even  as  they 
walk  in  the  streets.  I  do  not  say  that  they  are 
always  perfect  gentlemen,  but  they  are  men  who 
look  well-bred  :  business  men,  bankers'  clerks,  etc. 
The  men  of  the  lower  classes  alF  appear  to  me  to 
smoke  new  pipes.  I  never  see  any  blackened  ones. 
Peculiar  taste  !  When  they  have  used  a  pipe  two  or 
three  times  they  throw  it  away. 

The  enormous  size  of  London  makes  it  necessary 
for  most  people  to  pass  from  an  hour  and  a  half  to 
two  hours  a  day  in  an  omnibus  or  train.  This  per- 
petual movement  must  tell  on  the  brain.  Those 
who  value  their  health  at  all  do  part  of  the  distance 
on  foot.  In  this  country,  where  the  climate  is  damp, 
and  the  food  and  drink  are  the  reverse  of  light,  ex- 
ercise must  be  taken  ;  it  is  the  first  thing  an  English 
doctor  advises  you. 

On  entering  one  of  those  little  constructions  that 


join,    HULL   AND    HIS    ISLAND,  dT 

we  call  vespasiennes,  but  which  do  not  at  all  resemble 
them,  you  will  see  in  front  of   you,  "Adjust  your 
dress  before  leaving."     Here,  not  the  slightest  move 
mcnt  must  shock  modesty.     I  admire  that. 

Let  us  take  a  walk. 

From  eight  o'clock  in  the  evening,  the  finest  part 
of  London  is  entirely  given  up  to  debauchery.  It  is 
a  human  meat  market.  I  have  said  elsewhere  that 
respectable  Englishmen  do  not  walk  about  in  tlie 
evening.  The  men  that  you  see  in  Regent  Street 
are  mostly  foreigners,  or  provincials  who  have  come 
up  to  town  for  a  round  of  dissipation.  Several  years 
ago,  the  public  ball-rooms  were  closed,  and  the 
market,  which  used  to  be  held  within  four  walls,  is 
now  transferred  to  the  open  street.  The  police  des 
j'ui'urs  does  not  exist  in  London,  and  the  capital  of 
this  country,  so  moral  and  so  Christian,  exhibits 
sights  too  heartrending  to  imagine.  Girls  of  four- 
teen or  fifteen,  with  dyed  hair,  and  wan-looking  faces 
daubed  with  paint,  stand  about  drunk  and  in  rags, 
soliciting  the  passers-by  for  a  vile  wage.  Worn  out 
with  fatigue,  they  drop  in  the  gutter  at  day-break. 
They  have  been  up  and  down  tlie  street  six  mortal 
hours!  It  is  horrible  !  The  inhabitants  of  London 
are  beginning  to  take  the  matter  up  :  petitions  are 
being  prepared.      It  is  high  time. 

The  drunkenness  in  the  streets  is  indescribable. 
On  Saturday  nights  it  is  a  general  witches'  sabbath. 
The  women  drink  to  almost  as  great  an  extent  as 
the  men.  In  Scotland,  they  equal  them.  In  \ve- 
land,  they  surpass  them.  My  authority  is  an  official 
report  made  to  the  English  Government  in  1877. 

I  find  the  followinar  advertisement  in  the  Christian 


62  JOHN   BULL   AND    HIS   ISLAND. 

World :  "  The  wife  of  a  clergyman  of  the  Church  oi 
England  wishes  to  recommend  to  a  Christian  fam- 
ily, a  cook  formerly  given  to  drinking,  but  who  has 
taken  a  firm  resolution  of  leading  a  better  life." 
Dear  good  lady  !  Why  does  she  not  take  her  her- 
self ?  Ah!  I  will  tell  you  why.  The  worthy  lady 
is  not  selfish  ;  clergyman's  wife  though  she  be,  she 
does  not  wish  to  monopolise  all  the  opportunities  of 
doing  good  ;  she  leaves  some  for  you,  you  should  be 
grateful  to  her. 

The  Englishman  is  only  noisy  when  he  is  drunk  ; 
then  he  becomes  combative  and  wicked.  One-half 
the  murders  one  hears  of  are  committed  under  the 
influence  of  drink.  It  is  not  so  very  long  since  a 
gentleman  was  not  ashamed  to  be  seen  tipsy  in  the 
street.  At  tlie  beginning  of  the  century  they  went 
to  Parliament  in  this  state  ;  it  was  rather  good  form. 
There  is  a  story  which  says  that  Pitt  one  day  went 
to  the  House  of  Commons  leaning  upon  the  arm  of 
an  honourable  friend.  They  were  both  of  them 
drunk.  "  I  say,  Pitt,"  cried  the  great  statesman's 
friend,  "how  is  it  ?     I  can't  see  the  Speaker." 

"  That's  funny  !     I — shee — two,"  replied  Pitt. 

I  remember  hearing  a  drunkard  one  day  in  Can- 
non Street  station — it  was  at  the  time  when  a  war 
between  England  and  Russia  appeared  imminent — - 
challenging  loudly  the  latter  country.  "  Come  on, 
Russia,  I'll  manage  you,"  he  shouted.  As  Russia 
did  not  make  her  appearance  ;  "  Well,  then,  come 
on,  Turkey  ;  Russia  or  Turkey,  I  don't  care  which 
it  is.  The  same  silence  on  the  part  of  the  Turk. 
"  Well,  then,  come  on,  Russia,  Turkey,  England,  VYi 
fight  the  b lot  of  you."     He  Avas  got  into  a  car- 


JOHN   BULL   AND    HIS   ISLAND.  63 

riage  somehow.  I  pity  his  poor  wife  if  he  reached 
liome  without  having  slaked  his  thirst  for  battle 
upon  one  of  the  European  Powers. 

The  saddest  spectacle  that  man,  in  his  degrada- 
tion, has  yet  given  to  the  world,  is  a  file  of  sand- 
wiches. Two  boards  are  slung  over  the  sandwich- 
man's  neck,  one  on  his  chest,  tlie  other  on  his  back, 
and  he  is  sent  about  the  streets  placarded  with  the 
strangest,  most  grotesque  advertisements.  For  the 
meagre  pay  of  a  few  pence,  he  has,  all  day  long,  in 
all  the  samples  of  weather  that  this  cold,  damp  cli- 
mate affords,  to  pace  along  the  gutters  of  the  prin- 
cipal streets.  I  say  in  the  gutter^  for  he  is  not  allowed 
to  leave  it,  lest  he  sliould  intercept  the  traffic,  either 
of  the  road  or  the  pavement.  I  have  seen  these  poor 
wretches  dragging  one  tired  foot  after  the  other,  and 
encased  in  great  square  trunks,  that  covered  tiiem 
from  knee  to  neck.  Only  their  heads  and  arms  were 
free,  and  even  the  arms  were  not  at  liberty  alto- 
gether, for  they  had  to  distribute  to  the  passers-by 
the  circulars  of  a  trunk-making  firm.  Our  chiffon- 
niers  are  princes  in  comparison  with  these  poor 
beasts  of  burden  ; 

"  Plutot  souffrir  que  mourir 
C'est  la  devise  des  hommes." 

You  will  not  have  gone  a  hundred  paces  along  the 
street  with  a  valise  or  bag  in  your  hand,  without 
having  a  band  of  street  boys  and  loafers  at  your 
heels.  They  are  all  on  the  look  out  for  a  chance  of 
earning  a  penny,  if  you  confide  your  luggage  to 
them  to  carry,  or  of  disappearing  round  the  corner 
with  it,  if  you  turn  your  back  an  instant.     If  you  r^ 


64  JOHN   BULL   AND    IIIS   ISLAND. 

quire  to  cross  the  road,  a,  beggar  in  rags  will  step  in 
front  of  you,  and  sweep  away  the  mud  out  of  your 
path  with  his  broom.  You  will  come  across  these 
poor  devils  in  the  most  fashionable  quarters  :  in 
Piccadilly,  in  Regent  Street,  at  Hyde  Park  Corner, 
under  the  very  windows  of  Buckingham  Palace 
even. 

The  most  flourishing  businesses  in  London,  and 
the  only  ones  that  are  really  substantial,  are  those 
of  beer  and  of  old  clothes.  No  credit  for  the  poor 
man  :  to  get  his  glass  of  beer  he  must  come  down 
with  his  three-halfpence.  The  publican  and  the 
pawnbroker  are  the  princes  of  English  trade.  The 
one  is  the  consequence  of  the  other.  Each  is  the 
best  friend  of  the  other. 

In  England,  the  Government  does  not  interfere 
in  these  matters  ;  it  does  not  monopolise  any  in- 
dustry, does  not  undertake  to  supply  the  taxpayer 
with  brimstone  matches  that  will  not  light,  and 
threepenny  fireproof  cigars. 

The  needy  person  applies  to  the  pawnbroker. 
The  manner  in  which  these  gentry,  whom  I  have 
heard  magistrates  plainly  call  receivers  of  stolen 
goods,  carry  on  business,  favours  and  encourages 
theft.  Ma  tante,  who,  in  France,  corresponds  to  /ny 
uncle  on  this  side  of  the  Channel,  is  obliged  by  law 
to  pay  the  person  who  pledges  or  sells  any  object  of 
value  in  that  person's  own  residence.  This,  at  any 
rate,  is  a  slight  guarantee.  Here,  you  may  give  the 
pawnbroker  the  first  name  and  address  that  occur  to 
your  mind,  and  he  pays  you.  He  lends  at  the  rate 
of  tliirty  per  cent.,  and  advances  as  little  as  he  can, 
because  he  takes  all  articles  at  his  own  risk  ;  if  they 


JOHN    BULL   AND    HIS   ISLAND.  65 

have  been  stolen  and  are  subsequently  identified  by 
their  rightful  owner,  he  is  obliged  to  restore  them. 

The  language  of  the  streets  is  beyond  everything 
tnat  any  French  dictionary  places  at  the  disposal  of 
the  translator  :  all  idea  of  conveying  a  notion  of  it 
must  be  renounced.  Just  as  choice,  euphemistic, 
and  free  from  objectional  expressions  as  is  the 
language  of  the  well  educated  classes,  just  so  crude 
and  obscene  is  that  of  the  lower  orders.  These  latter 
seem   to  have  but  one  adjective  at  their  disposition, 

the  adjective  bl y.    This  word,  which  corresponds 

to  our  oath  sacrc\  makes  one  shudder  in  England. 
To  French  ears,  it  can  only  sound  ridiculous.  An 
English  workman  will  say,  for  instance,  "  I  told  my 

master  that  he  only  gave   me  a sovereign 

every week,  and  that  I  wanted  five shillings 

more.     He  said  he  had  not  the time  to  listen  to 

my complaints,"  etc.     And  so  on  all  the  while. 

This  word,  however,  v/hich  happens  to  be  now  spelt 
like  the  synonym  of  sanguinary  is,  we  believe,  no 
other  than  a  corruption  of  the  expression  byr  lady 
{by  our  lady)  which  we  come  across  several  times  in 
Shakespeare. 

Cock-fighting  and  dog-fighting,  so  famous  in 
former  days,  are  now  forbidden  by  law.  Boxers 
themselves  have  ceased  to  be  an  attraction  ;  they  are 
liable  to  prosecution,  and  only  meet  for  a  match 
clandestinely.  These  remnants  of  barbarism  are  fast 
disappearing.  These  combats  were  terrible.  The 
Englishman  hits  a  blow  that  would  knock  your  head 
ofif  your  shoulders.     This   is  a  curious  thing  :  even 


66  JOHN   BULL   AND    HIS    ISLAND. 

when  these  savages  fight  in  earnest,  they  never  kick 
each  other  ;  it  is  contrary  to  the  national  spirit. 
The  kick  is  reserved  strictly  for  the  weaker  sex,  who 
enjoy  the  whole  and  sole  monopoly  of  it. 

It  would  be  difficult  to  say  where  London  begins 
and  where  it  ends.  The  postal  radius  extends  twelve 
miles  around  Charing  Cross  ;  which  makes,  for  the 
circumference  of  the  town,  about  thirty  French 
leagues. 

London  has,  so  to  speak,  no  monuments.  The 
Abbey  and  Palace  of  Westminster,  St.  Paul's, — you 
must  not  look  for  mucli  else.  A  few  statues  :  the 
great  Cobden,  shivering  with  cold,  in  a  dirty,  out-of- 
the-way  corner  ;  Nelson,  stuck  upon  a  roman  candle, 
high  in  the  air  ;  three  Wellingtons  and  a  Shakes- 
peare ;  this  last  a  private  gift.  At  the  four  corners 
of  Trafalgar  Square,  the  London  Place  de  la  Concorde, 
four  pedestals  a,re  to  be  seen.  Three  are  surmounted 
by  statues,  the  fourth  is  waiting.  Not  that  there  is 
any  dearth  of  great  men  in  England  :  it  is  simply 
indifference,  nothing  more. 

The  Albert  Memorial,  a  monument  erected  by  the 
Oueen  to  the  memory  of  Prince  Albert,  is  worth 
looking  at,  were  it  but  to  show  how  er.sy  it  is  to  fool 
away  three  millions  of  francs. 

The  Monument  is  a  column  two  hundred  feet 
high,  erected  in  commemoratioi.  of  the  Great  Fire 
of  I^ondon  that  occurred  in  1666.  For  threepence 
you  can  go  to  the  top  of  it  ;  but,  as  the  keeper  says 
in  one  of  Charles  Dickens's  novels,  "  it  is  worth 
twice  the  money  not  to  make  the  ascent." 

John  Bull  is  serious  and  business-like,  he  does  not 
waste  his  powder  and  shot  upon  sparrows.     Public 


JOHN   BULL   AND   HIS   ISLAND.  G"] 

monuments  are  frivolous  things  in  his  eyes.  Yet, 
what  treasures  and  riches  are  hidden  in  such  friv- 
olities !  Nothing  attracts  you  without,  everything 
enchants  you  within.  London  streets  are  certainly 
more  useful  than  ornamental.  Nothing  in  them 
invites  you  to  loiter  ;  on  the  contrary,  everything 
induces  you  to  push  on.  There  are  no  strollers  in 
London  ;  in  a  park  they  would  be  thought  sus- 
picious characters.  Every  gentleman  you  pass  in 
the  street  is  going  to  his  business  or  on  his  way 
home. 

The  London  fog  of  universal  reputation  is  of  two 
kinds.  The  most  curious,  and  at  tlie  same  time  the 
less  dangerous,  is  the  black  species.  It  is  simplv 
darkness  complete  and  intense  at  midday.  The  gas  is 
immediately  lighted  everywhere,  and  when  this  kind 
of  fog  remains  in  the  upper  atmospheric  regions, 
it  does  not  greatly  affect  you.  It  does  not  touch  the 
earth,  and  the  gas  being  lighted,  it  gives  you  the 
impression  of  being  in  the  street  at  ten  o'clock  at 
night.  Traffic  is  not  stopped  ;  the  bustle  of  the  City 
goes  on  as  usual. 

The  most  terrible  is  the  yellow  fog,  that  the  Eng- 
lish call  pea-soup.  This  one  gets  down  your  throat 
and  seems  to  choke  you.  You  have  to  cover  }our 
mouth  with  a  respirator  if  you  do  not  wish  to  be 
choked  or  seized  with  an  attack  of  blood-spitting. 
The  gas  is  useless,  you  cannot  see  it  even  when  you 
are  close  to  the  lamp.  Traffic  is  stopped.  Some- 
times for  several  hours  the  town  seems  dead  and 
buried. 

These  fogs  are  not  so  common  as  our  excellent 
fellow-countrymen  believe.     They  have  an  idea  that 


68  JOHN   BULL   AND   HIS   ISLAND. 

in  order  to  avoid  getting  lost  in  London  streets,  you 
must  not  let  go  your  companion's  hand,  or,  at  any 
rate,  not  wander  beyond  reach  of  his  coat  tails. 
These  fogs  scarcely  appear  more  than  fifteen  days 
out  of  the  three  hundred  and  sixty-five.  During  the 
rest  of  the  year  you  have  always  much  about  the 
same  grayness.  When  the  sky  is  clear,  it  is  lovely  ; 
but  it  rarely  is  clear.  When  the  sun  makes  his  ap- 
pearance he  is  photographed,  that  folks  may  not  for- 
get what  he  is  like.  Fogs  are  beginning  to  be  a  little 
less  dreaded  ;  the  Corporation  have  taken  the  matter 
in  hand.  Several  meetings  have  been  held  upon  the 
subject.  The  Lord  Mayor  has  a  hand  in  the  pie. 
Besides,  we  are  told  that  London  is  soon  to  have  a 
new  Government.     So  you  see  there  is  hope. 

Let  us  quickly  be  off  and  get  into  the  museums, 
the  clubs,  the  houses  ;  we  shall  there  find  plenty  to 
delight  our  eyes,  minds,  and  hearts. 


X. 

English  Interiors — John  Bull  in  Town  and  in  the  Country — The 
Clubs — The  Museums — The  Biilisli  Museum — South  Kensing- 
ton Museum — The  National  Gallery — The  Great  English  Mas- 
ters— The  Tower  of  London — Hampton  Court — Westminster 
Abbey — St.  Paul's — The  Crystal  Palaee — Madame   Tussaud's. 

If  nothing  is  more  sad  and  gloomy  than  out-of- 
door  life  in  the  large  English  towns,  nothing  that  I 
know  of  is  more  charming  than  the  interior  of  a 
well-kept  English  house.  It  is  a  paradise  of  studied 
comfort  and  well-understood  luxury. 

How  sensibly  these  English  people  understand 
comfort  ;  with  what  ingenious  forethought  are  the 
smallest  needs  anticipated,  what  care  and  study  are 
expended  upon  every  convenience  of  life  I  Sofas 
for  cosy  chats,  easy  chairs  with  book-rests,  for 
reading  in;  smoking  chairs,  ad  hoc,  every  seat  in 
the  room  looks  as  though  it  had  been  invented  to 
satisfy  a  special  need.  Drawing-room,  parlour, 
library,  smoking-room,  each  has  its  special  use. 
Every  Englishman  has  his  boudoir  (I  use  the  woi"d  in 
its  etymological  sense),  that  is  to  say,  his  little  sane- 
ti/iii,  whence  the  vulgar  are  excluded,  and  where  he 
can  take  refuge  when  he  wishes  to  work  or  rest.  He 
calls  this  place  his  growlery,  a  name  having,  as  you 
see,  the  same  meaning  as  our  boudoir. 

Carpets    are    things    of    primary    importance     in 


70  JOHN   BULL   AND    HIS   ISLAND. 

England.  Every  floor  and  staircase,  in  even  the 
simplest  houses,  are  covered  with  them.  We  say 
in  France,  that  provided  an  Englishwoman  has  her 
carpet  and  her  tea  she  is  happy.  These  two  things 
are  indeed  indispensable  to  her  liappiness :  two 
primary  necessaries  of  life.  I  can  say  from  ex- 
perience that  when  I  am  in  France,  it  never  enters 
my  mind  to  ask  for  tea,  but  in  England  I  cannot 
do  without  it ;  the  climate  demands  it.  "  In 
Scotland,"  a  Scotchman  will  tell  you,  "  I  could  not 
exist  without  my  glass  of  whiskey  ;  "  and  he  adds, 
'but  in  England,  I  can  do  without  it,"  which  I 
am  quite  ready  to  believe,  although  I   never  saw  it. 

In  a  country  where  winter  lasts  eight  months  of 
the  year,  where  the  gray,  dull,  dirty  dampness,  that 
the  Englishman  is  fond  of  calling  most  unusual 
weather,  fills  you  with  the  spleen,  it  was  imperative 
to  seek  for  happiness  at  home. 

On  the  outside,  the  private  mansions  have  nothing 
remarkable  about  them  ;  but  what  wealth  and 
luxury  are  hidden  behind  their  high  dark  walls  1 
This,  however,  is  nothing  to  compare  with  the  great 
country  seats,  the  ancient  homes  of  Old  England  ; 
royal  domains  are  they.  Picture  to  yourself  a 
country  studded  with  Chateaux  de  Fontainebleau. 

It  is  to  the  country  you  must  go  if  you  would  see 
John  Bull  in  all  his  glory.  Sportsman  to  the  back- 
bone, there  he  is  in  his  element.  "The  foreigner 
who  would  form  a  correct  opinion  of  the  English 
character,"  says  Washington  Irving,  "must  not  con- 
fine his  observations  to  the  metropolis.  ...  Ik 
is  in  the  country  that  the  Englishman  gives  scope  tcr 
his  natural  feelings.     He  gladly  breaks  loose  from 


JOHN   BULL   AND    HIS   ISLAND.  71 

the  cold  formalities  and  negative  civilities  of  town, 
throws  off  his  habits  of  shy  reserve,  and  becomes 
joyous  and  freehearted.  He  manages  to  collect 
round  him  all  the  conveniences  and  elegancies  of 
polite  life,  and  banish  its  restraints.  His  country- 
seat  abounds  with  every  requisite,  either  for  studious 
retirement,  tasteful  gratification,  or  rural  exercise. 
Books,  paintings,  music,  horses,  dogs,  and  sporting 
implements  of  all  kinds  are  at  hand.  He  puts  no 
constraint,  either  upon  his  guests,  or  himself,  but  in 
the  true  spirit  of  hospitality,  provides  the  means  of 
enjoyment,  and  leaves  everyone  to  partake  accord- 
ing to  his  own  inclination.     .     . 

"But  what  most  delights  me  is  the  creative  talent 
with  which  the  English  decorate  the  unostentatious 
abodes  of  middle  life.  The  rudest  habitation,  the 
most  unpromising  and  scanty  portion  of  land  in  the 
hands  of  an  Englishman  of  taste  becomes  a  little 
paradise.  The  great  charm,  however,  of  English 
scenery,  is  the  moral  feeling  that  seems  to  pervade 
it.  It  is  associated  in  the  mind  with  ideas  of  order, 
of  quiet,  of  sober,  well-established  principles,  of 
hoary  usage  and  reverend  custom.  Everything  seems 
to  be  the  growth  of  ages  of  regular  and  peaceful  ex- 
istence." 

And  the  clubs,  those  Pall  Mall  palaces !  The 
Athenceum  Club,  for  the  celebrities  of  the  literary  and 
scientific  world  ;  the  Carlton  for  the  most  important 
members  of  the  Conservative  paity  ;  the  Bcfon/i,  for 
those  of  the  Liberal  party;  the  Oxford  and  Cambridge, 
for  members  of  the  two  great  Universities ;  the 
Army  and  Navy,  for  oflicers  of  carh  service  ;  I  find  a 
list  of   ninety-nine    clubs  in  Whitakcr's  Almanack, 


72  JOHN   BULL   AND    HIS   ISLAND. 

which  omits  the  names  of  several  unimportant  ones. 
These  great  clubs  are  so  many  princely  habitations 
reserved  for  the  noble  and  the  wealthy  :  entrance 
fee,  forty  pounds  ;  annual  subscription,  ten  pounds. 
This  is  holding  the  sugar-plum  rather  high.  These 
great  clubs  are  magnificent  and  very  imposing,  I  ad- 
mit ;  but  the  lackeys  in  knee  breeches,  the  sound- 
killing  carpets  an  inch  or  two  thick,  the  broad  stair- 
cases, the  immense  rooms  that  seem  to  be  limitless 
in  height,  width,  and  length,  the  members  coming 
and  going  without  thinking  of  removing  their  hats, 
each  ignoring  the  other  or  muttering  through  closed 
teeth  a  "  How  d'you  do  ?  "  wliich  is  equivalent  to 
*' Leave  me  alone,  I  have  no  time  to  talk  to  you;" 
all  this  freezes  me,  and  I  should  strongly  suspect 
every  one  of  these  luxury-surfeited  men  of  feeling 
terribly  bored,  if  I  had  not  been  thoroughly  con- 
vinced of  it  by  having  seen  them  yavv-ning  behind 
their  Times  fit  to  put  their  jaw  bones  out  of  joint. 

The  only  club  that  does  n(jt  strike  me  with  a  re- 
spect akin  to  awe,  is  the  Savage  Club.  This  some- 
what Bohemian  fraternity  is  composed  of  literary 
men,  writers,  artists,  and  actors.  The  Prince  of 
Wales  was  brave  enough  to  be  made  a  Savage  last 
year,  and  has  taken  his  after-dinner  smoke  in  the 
club  like  the  humblest  of  his  brother  Savages.  The 
Varied  talents  of  the  members  form  a  special  attrac- 
tion of  the  dinners  and  other  meetings  of  this  inter- 
esting association.  The  entrance  fee  is  eight  pounds, 
and  the  annual  subscription  three. 

A  volume  would  scarce  suffice  to  convey  a  correct 
idea  of  the  treasures  contained  in  the  museums  of 
London  :  the   British   Museum,  the  South  Kensing' 


JOHN   BULL   AND    HIS   ISLAND.  73 

ton  Museum,  the  National  Gallery,  Hampton  Court 
Palace,  the  Tower  of  London,  and  I  know  not  how 
many  more. 

British  Museum. — Reading-room  in  rotunda  form, 
with  glass  cupola,  undoubtedly  the  finest  in  the 
world.  In  the  middle  of  the  room  are  librarians,  in= 
telligent,  obliging,  and  noiseless  ;  in  circles  are  ar- 
ranged commodious  tables,  comfortable  chairs,  every 
requisite  for  reading  and  study,  including  tran- 
quillity ;  around  you  600,000  vohames.  The  printed 
book  section  contained,  in  1882,  more  than  1,300,000 
volumes.  Catalogues  perfect.  In  Paris,  to  find  a 
book,  you  must  know  the  name  of  the  author  and 
the  date  of  the  first  edition.  A  friend  of  mine  lately 
wrote  to  me  from  Paris  to  ask  me  for  a  list  of  all  the 
French  works  that  treat  of  Shakespeare.  In  one 
hour,  at  the  British  Museum,  I  obtained  a  complete 
list.  Galleries  of  pictures  ;  architecture  ;  Egyptian, 
Assyrian,  Greek,  and  Roman  antiquities — among 
which  may  be  seen  the  Mausoleum,  one  of  the  seven 
wonders  of  the  ancient  world  ;  Cleopatra's  coffin  ; 
the  Ilgi  seal  (date  2050  b.c.)  ;  the  marbles  of  the  Par- 
thenon ;  the  bas-reliefs  of  Phidias  and  from  the 
Temple  of  ^gina  ;  columns  from  the  Temple  of 
Diana  at  Ephesus  ;  the  epitaph  of  the  Athenians 
killed  at  Potidoea.  These  treasures  were  bought 
from  Lord  Elgin,  who  obtained  them  in  exchange 
for  a  clock  that  may  still  be  seen  in  the  Bazaar  at 
Athens.  Then  there  are  bas-reliefs  from  the  Temple 
of  Apollo,  carved  tablets  from  Nineveh  and  Baby- 
lon, etc.  I  repeat,  it  would  be  idle  to  attempt  to 
enumerate  here  all  these  priceless  treasures.  Mar- 
vellous natural  history  collections,  comprising  part 


74  JOHN   BULL   AND    HIS   ISLAND. 

of  the  skeleton  of  a  fossil  man.  Collections  of  manu. 
scripts,  coins,  engravings.  A  botanical  museum,  a 
geological  museum.  A  room  with  Etruscan  vases, 
etc.,  etc.  The  British  Museum  is  open  to  the  public 
on  every  day,  except  Sunday  of  course,  so  tliat  one 
never  meets  with  workmen  or  others  of  the  lower 
class.  At  the  Louvre,  you  see  more  workmen  than 
well-dressed  people.  "  A  coin  two  thousand  years 
old  !  "  I  once  overheard  a  worthy  peasant  fellow  ex- 
claim ;  "that's  a  good  joke!  We're  only  in  1868 
now  ! " 

South  Kensington  Museum. — Schools  of  Art  and 
Science  ;  splendid  library  of  about  50,000  volumes  ; 
collections  of  pictures  by  English  masters  ;  museum 
of  antiquities;  Handel's  harpsichord;  an  organ  that 
belonged  to  Martin  Luther  ;  a  collection  of  objeis 
d'art  of  the  Middle  Ages  and  the  Renaissance.  The 
Museum  contains  617  oil  paintings,  and  1,291  water- 
colours.  The  Indian  section  is  most  interesting  :  In- 
dian temples,  Vedic  and  Puranic  gods  ;  illustrations 
of  the  whole  of  the  Hindoo  mythology. 

National  Gallery,  founded  in  1824,  with  the 
magnificent  collection  of  Mr.  John  Julius  Angerstein. 
This  collection,  as  its  name  implies,  is  almost  entire- 
ly composed  of  the  works  of  the  great  English 
masters  :  Hogarth,  Reynolds,  Gainsborough, Wright, 
Law^rence,  Turner,  Leslie,  Edwin  Landseer.  You 
may  also  see  there  pictures  by  Raphael,  Rubens, 
Rembrandt,  Poussin,  Correggio,  Leonardo  da  Vinci, 
Titian,  Van  Dyck,  Murillo,  Velasquez,  Salvator 
\Rosa,  etc. 

\    The  Tower  of   London. — On   the    banks   of   the 
"Thames,  in  the  midst  of  the  City,  surrounded  by  a 


JOHN   BULL   AND    HIS   ISLAND.  75 

moat,  stands  this  ancient  fortress.  Built  by  Wil- 
liam the  Conqueror,  and  partly,  tradition  says,  by 
Julius  Caesar,  it  is  to  this  day  perfectly  intact.  Here 
are  kept  the  crown  jewels,  a  collection  of  fire-arms 
and  the  finest  armour,  the  axe  and  block  used  at  the 
execution  of  Lady  Jane  Grey,  the  nine  days'  queen, 
and  a  thousand  other  precious  historical  relics.  All 
these  warders  in  fifteenth  century  costumes,  t'hese 
corridors,  these  portcullises  and  moats,  carry  you 
back  in  thought  hundreds  of  years  while  you  spend 
two  or  three  delightful  hours  in  this  unique  old 
place.  Just  opposite  the  Tower  of  London  is  the 
Tower  Sub-way,  an  iron  tube,  seven  feet  in  diameter, 
forming  a  footpath  through  the  bed  of  the  Thames, 
between  Great  Tower  Hill  and  Vine  Street,  Mr. 
Charles  Dickens  advises  none  but  the  very  briefest 
of  Her  Majesty's  lieges  to  attempt  the  passage  in 
high-heeled  boots  or  with  a  hat  to  which  he  attaches 
any  particular  value. 

Hampton  Court. — On  the  Thames,  a  few  miles 
distant  from  London,  stands  this  splendid  palace, 
built  by  Cardinal  Wolsey,  who  presented  it  to  Henry 
Vni.  It  was  by  a  strange  irony  of  fate  the  favourite 
residence  of  Charles  L  and  of  Cromwell.  The  park 
and  gardens  are  fairy-like.  The  chestnut  trees  of 
Hampton  Court  have  a  world-wide  fame  ;  they  are 
titanic.  The  palace  contains  a  gallery  of  933  pic- 
tures, mostly  historical  portraits  ;  also  sumptuous 
apartments  and  most  beautiful  tapestry.  Overlook- 
ing a  lovely  landscape  that  should  be  seen  when  the 
chestnut  trees  are  in  bloom,  is  a  terrace  nearly  a 
mile  long.  One  of  the  curiosities  of  this  place  is  a 
colossal  vine-  planted  in  1769,  which  bears  as  many 


j6  JOHN   BULL   AND    HIS   ISLAND. 

as  2,500  bunches,  each  more  than  a  pound  in  weight. 
The  trunk  which,  at  its  base,  measures  thirty  inches 
in  circumference,  is  no  feet  long,  and  throw^s  out  its 
branches  over  a  surface  of  1,200  square  feet.  The 
exquisitely  flavoured  grapes  are  reserved  for  the 
royal  tables.  The  park  of  Hampton  Court  is  open 
on  Sundays  :  well  done,  John  ! 

Westminster  Abbey.  —  Otherwise,  Cathedral  of 
the  West,  to  distinguish  it  from  St.  Paul's,  which 
was  formerly  called  Eastminster,  or  Cathedral  of  the 
East  5  the  most  famous  monument  in  England  after 
the  Tower  of  London  ;  built  by  Edward  the  Con- 
fessor, on  the  spot  where  Sebart,  king  of  the  East 
Saxons,  had  built  a  church  in  616.  Of  the  first 
edifice  there  remains  hardly  anything  more  than  the 
cloister,  which  the  boys  of  Westminster  School  now 
use  as  a  gymnasium  ;  the  building,  as  it  stands  at 
present,  is,  with  few  exceptions,  the  work  of  the 
architects  of  Henry  VH.  For  more  than  800  years 
the  kings  and  queens  of  England  have  been  crowned 
in  Westminster  Abbey.  It  would  be  impossible 
here  to  give  a  description  of  the  tombs,  the 
statues  and  busts,  the  monuments  erected  to  the 
memory  of  all  the  celebrities  who  were  the  pride  of 
the  ages  in  which  they  lived.  Suffice  it  to  say  that, 
besides  the  sovereigns  who  repose  beneath  the 
stones  of  this  ancient  edifice,  you  are  also  treading 
on  the  remains  of  Spenser,  Milton,  Dryden  {Foefs 
Corner),  Handel,  Sheridan,  Macaulay,  Charles  Dick- 
ens, Thackeray,  Livingstone  and  Garrick,  the  great 
comedian,  who  certainly  is  not  out  of  place  in  the 
midst  of  all  these  glorious  sons  of  Albion.  Above 
the  tomb  of  the  valiant  Henry  V.  is  still  to  be  seen 


JOHN    BULL   AND    HIS   ISLAND.  77 

the  saddle  and  helmet  used  by  him  at  the  memorable 
battle  of  Affincourt.  The  tombstones  are  in  admir- 
able  preservation.  The  best  preachers  in  the  king- 
dom are  to  be  heard  at  the  three  Sunday  services. 

St.  Paul's  Cathedral. — Situated  on  the  summit 
of  Ludgate  Hill,  this  imposing  edifice  may  be  seen 
from  many  miles  round.  This  monument  of  gigan- 
tic proportions  shares  with  Westminster  Abbey  the 
honor  of  rendering  homage  to  the  great  men  of  a 
loving  and  grateful  country.  St.  Paul's  Cathedral, 
such  as  w^e  now  see  it,  was  begun  by  Sir  Christopher 
Wren  in  1673,  and  finished  in  17 10,  the  old  edifice 
having  been  completely  destroyed  by  the  Great  Fire 
in  1666.  Here  lie  the  mortal  remains  of  Wellington, 
Samuel  Johnson,  Wren,  Turner,  Joshua  Reynolds, 
and  Edwin  Landseer.  The  dome  is  404  feet  high. 
It  is  the  most  prominent  edifice  of  the  English  capi- 
tal. 

Crystal  Palace. — This  immense  glass  cage  cost 
^^1,500,000  to  build.  The  work  was  no  doubt  a  diffi- 
cult one,  and,  to  parody  the  witty  saying  of  Samuel 
Johnson,  it  is  to  be  regretted  that  it  was  not  found 
to  be  impossible  ;  it  is  but  a  great  ugly  toy.  The 
terrace  is  fine,  and  the  surrounding  gardens  magnifi- 
cent. This  place  is  a  favourite  resort  of  Bank-holiday 
keepers,  of  whom  it  sometimes  attracts  as  many  as  a 
hundred  thousand.  There  are  fireworks,  choirs  of 
five  thousand  voices,  flower  shows,  acrobats,  cir- 
cuses, menageries,  out-door  games  of  ail  kinds,  the 
whole  for  the  modest  sum  of  one  shilling.  The 
Crystal  Palace  has  a  good  picture-gallery,  a  splen- 
did reading-room,  a  library,  a  school  of  Literature, 
Art  and  Science.     It  also  boasts  a  zoological  gardea 


78  JOHN    BULL   AND   HIS   ISLAND. 

which,  however,  is  very  insignificant  when  compared 
with  the  magnificent  one  in  Regent's  Park,  as  also 
is  our  own  Jardin  des  Plantes.  As  to  the  collection 
of  fishes,  I  advise  visitors  to  renounce  all  idea  of 
trying  to  find  any  in  the  aquarium  ;  but  the  excel- 
lent restaurant  of  the  Palace  supplies  them,  with 
their  proper  sauces,  at  decidedly  moderate  charges. 
Madame  Tussaud's  Exhibition.— Capital  wax  fig- 
ures of  the  kings  and  queens  of  England,  and  most 
of  the  important  personages  of  the  world.  A  mu- 
seum of  historical  relics,  containing  among  other 
things  the  knife  of  the  guillotine  used  during  the 
Reign  of  Terror,  the  principal  key  of  the  Bastile,  the 
carriage  used  by  Napoleon  I.  in  his  campaigns,  the 
shirt  worn  by  Henry  IV.  when  he  was  stabbed  by 
Ravaillac,  etc.,  etc.  For  sixpence  extra  you  may 
make  your  flesh  creep  in  the  Chamber  of  Horrors, 
which  contains  the  portrait  models  of  all  the  great- 
est criminals,  Marat  expiring  in  his  bath,  and  draw- 
ings representing  the  tortures  inflicted  upon  crimi- 
nals in  different  countries.  This  exhibition  was 
established  in  London,  I  regret  to  have  to  say,  by  a 
Frenchwoman. 


XI. 

John  Bull's  Sentiments  of  Humanity — The  Royal  Society  for  the 
Prevention  of  Cruelty  to  Animals — The  Treatment  of  Women, 
and  of  Wives  in  Particular — Extracts  from  Police-Court  Re- 
ports— A  Dainty — The  Hospitals — Charity — The  Beggars — 
Pigeon  Shooting — Magnanimity  of  John  Bull. 

Animals  are  very  well  treated  in  England,  even  by 
the  roughs  of  the  lower  classes  in  London.  The 
principal  reason  of  this  is,  that  the  Society  for  the 
Prevention  of  Cruelty  to  Animals  has  numerous 
agents,  and  any  one  convicted  of  ill-treating  an  ani- 
mal is  liable  to  six  months'  hard  labour.  Besides,  by 
maltreating  a  horse  you  may  maim  it,  and  thereby 
diminish  its  value.  When  the  London  carmen  treat 
their  wives  as  well  as  they  treat  their  horses,  I  shall 
appreciate  their  sentiments  of  humanity  ;  as  it  is. 
they  only  remind  me  of  the  love  of  the  Turk  for  his 
dog.  If,  in  the  streets  of  Constantinople,  you  were 
seen  to  harm  a  dog,  you  would  immediately  have  the 
populace  at  yoiu-  heels  ;  but  you  might  serve  a 
woman  or  child  as  badly  as  you  pleased,  and  no  one 
would  think  of  interfering  with  you. 

A  few  years  ago,  the  Prince  of  Wales  made  a  voy- 
age to  India.  On  his  way,  he  paid  a  visit  to  the 
King  of  Spain  who,  to  do  honour  to  his  guest,  or- 
dered a  bull  fifjht  to  be  srot  up  for  his  amusement. 
The  English  did  not  like  it,  and  began  to  make  a  stir, 


8o  JOHN   BULL   AND    IIIS   ISLAND. 

The  Prince  of  Wales,  in  fact,  is  president  of  tae  So« 
ciety  for  the  protection  of  animals.  Like  a  good 
Englishman,  he  abstained  from  attending  the  per- 
formance. 

A  Society  for  the  protection  of  women  has  yet  !o 
be  formed.  I  extract  the  two  following  police  court 
reports  from  the  newspapers,  where  you  may  see 
similar  ones  every  day  : — 

Thames  Police  Court. — John  H.  is  charged  with 
having  beaten  his  wife,  and  threatened  to  kill  her. 
On  Friday  night  he  returned  home  drunk,  seized  his 
wife  by  the  hair,  and  threw  her  out  of  the  window. 
He  then  sent  his  five  children  to  join  her  in  the 
street,  whether  by  the  window  or  not,  the  report  does 
not  state.  The  woman  managed  to  get  into  the 
house  again,  but  the  man,  seizing  a  knife,  threatened 
to  settle  he)-.  She  succeeded  in  escaping,  but  not  be- 
fore he  had  injured  her  so  brutally  about  the  head, 
that  blood  flowed  in  profusion  from  her  nose  and 
mouth.  John  H.  is  condemned  to  one  month's  im- 
prisonment. If  he  had  done  as  much  to  a  horse,  he 
would  have  got  six  months  at  least.  But  a  woman  ! 
his  wife,  especially  ! 

In  Manchester,  and  all  parts  of  Lancashire,  the 
men  wear  iron  soled  shoes  with  pointed  toes.  With 
these,  kicking  can  be  very  successfully  performed. 

Here  is  the  second  case.  The  prisoner  is  con- 
demned to. six  months'  hard  labour.  The  magistrate 
is  more  severe,  because  the  victim  is  not  the  legiti- 
mate wife  of  the  savage,  who  would  in  such  case 
have  been  able  to  plead  extenuating  circumstances. 

Woolwich  Police  Court. — William  A.  is  cliarged 
with  having  struck  Mary  Ann  G.     The  woman  ap- 


JOHN   BULL   AND    HIS    ISLAND.  8l 

pears  in  court  with  her  head  bandaged,  and  her  face 
covered  with  bruises.  The  accused  has  been  beat- 
ing her  for  days,  and  has  struck  her  in  the  street,  in 
her  own  house,  and  in  a  neighbour's  house.  It  is  in 
the  latter  phice  that  he  beat  his  victim,  with  the  iron 
heel  of  a  boot.  A  policeman  states  that  he  found 
the  woman  lying  unconscious  upon  the  floor  in  a 
pool  of  blood,  and  adds  that  the  room  looked  like  a 
slaughter-house.  The  magistrate  remarks  that  there 
exists  an  odious  class  of  beings,  who  live  upon  un- 
fortunate women,  and  treat  them  worse  than  slave 
traders  and  corsairs  treat  their  human  merchandise. 
He  sentences  the  prisoner  to  six  months'  hard  la- 
bour, and  regrets  that  the  law  does  not  allow  him  to 
order  him  to  be  flogged  every  day  in  his  cell. 

I  read  in  to-day's  newspaper  (30th  December, 
1882): — *' Barrow-in-Furness. — A  woman,  named 
Sarah  P.,  died  yesterday  from  the  effects  of  blows 
dealt  her  about  the  head  by  her  husband.  Two  dayx 
ago,  it  appears,  P.  had  a  quarrel  with  his  wife,  whom 
he  seized  by  the  hair,  and  in  this  manner  dragged 
upstairs  to  the  bedroom.  There  he  knocked  her 
down,  and  by  means  of  a  large  hammer  literally  re- 
duced her  head  to  a  jelly.  He  then  put  her  on  the 
bed,  and  slept  the  night  by  her  side.  The  accused, 
who  does  not  deny  the  charge,  is  sent  to  take  his 
trial  at  the  Court  of  Assizes."  You  may  read  such 
cases  every  day  in  your  newspaper.  What  are  the 
people  taught?  you  will  ask.  Certainly  it  is  not 
religious  and  moral  lessons  that  are  wanting  in  this 
country  of  churches  and  chapels,  of  Sunday-schools 
and  Bible  classes,  of  Christian  associations.  Salvation 
Armies,  and  wluit  not!  Neither  can  drunkenness 
6 


82  JOHN   BULL   AND    HIS   ISLAND. 

alone  entirely  account  for  the  savage  brutality  of 
these  men  of  the  lower  classes  in  England.  The 
cause  must  be  looked  for  in  the  law,  which  does  not 
protect  the  women. 

I  find,  in  the  Daily  News  of  the  14th  November, 
1882,  the  following  reflections  upon  the  subject  of  a 
sentence  delivered  the  day  before.  "Our  laws  re- 
lating to  assassination  and  acts  of  violence,  lead  to 
most  disastrous  consequences.  A  husband  was 
yesterday  convicted  of  having  kicked  his  wife  to 
death.  The  jury,  not  considering  that  these  kicks 
had  been  inflicted  with  the  intention  of  causing 
death,  only  found  the  prisoner  guilty  of  man- 
slaughter, and  the  sentence  passed  by  the  judge  was 
but  fifteen  months'  imprisonment.  Such  mild  pun- 
ishments are  not  calculated  to  diminish  the  number 
of  cases  of  brutality  towards  wives  ;  on  the  contrary, 
they  will  tend  to  make  certain  classes  of  our  society 
believe  that  a  wife  is  a  kind  of  property,  a  sort  of 
domestic  animal,  that  the  husband  may  maltreat  at 
his  pleasure,  and  almost  v/ith  impunity." 

The  married  woman  occupies  but  a  secondary 
place  in  society.  In  low  life,  the  husband  stakes 
her  for  ten  shillings,  for  half-a-crown,  for  a  glass  of 
beer, 

I  remember  one  day  a  man  going  to  the  police- 
court  to  claim  his  wife.  The  woman  contended 
that  her  husband  had  sold  her  to  a  friend  for  ten 
shillings,  that  she  was  quite  happy  with  her  new 
owner,  and  that  on  no  consideration  would  she 
return  to  her  husband,  who  was  in  the  habit  of 
beating  her  and  keeping  her  without  food. 

These  savages   have  also   several    other  favourite 


JOHN   BULL   AND    HIS   ISLAND.  83 

pastimes.  When  they  are  not  occupied  in  kicking 
theii"  wives  in  tlic  most  sensitive  Darts  of  tlieir 
bodies,  they  fight  among  themselves,  and  bite  off 
each  other's  noses.  The  olfactory  organ  would 
seem  to  be  a  dainty  to  their  taste.  I  counted,  dur- 
ing the  year  1882,  in  the  London  newspapers  alone, 
twenty-eight  cases  of  this  kind. 

The  hospitals,  like  the  great  public  schools  and 
universities,  are  each  independent  institutions,  hav- 
ing their  own  governing  bodies  and  revenues.  The 
Government  has  nothing  to  do  with  them.  Every 
one  here  is  master  in  his  own  house.  From  the  ad. 
ministrative  point  of  view,  England  is  a  confedera- 
tion of  small  republics  :  respubliccs  in  republica.  In 
France,  charitable  institutions  spend  over  a  fourth 
part  of  their  income  in  staffs  of  servants,  printers' 
bills,  and  red  tape.  In  England,  the  governing  body 
of  a  hospital  is  composed  of  rich  philanthropists, 
who,  instead  of  charging  the  poor  for  looking  after 
their  interest,  pay  for  the  honour  of  doing  good. 

Each  hospital  has  its  school  of  medicine.  This  is 
a  source  of  revenue.  The  students  pay  for  their 
course  of  study,  and  the  examinations  are  made  by 
the  leading  men  of  the  Royal  College  of  Physicians 
and  the  Royal  College  of  Surgeons.  The  prelimi- 
nary examination,  which  admits  a  student  to  a  hos- 
pital, is  an  insignificant  one.  This  is  a  mistake,  for 
numbers  of  young  men  waste  their  time  for  years  in 
the  hospitals,  and  are  at  length  obliged,  as  a  last 
resource,  to  go  to  Scotland  or  America,  and  take 
diplomas  which  may  there  be  had  without  difficulty 
England  is  full  of  dunces  of  this  kind.     Before  ac- 


84  JOHN   BULL   AND    HIS   ISLAND. 

cepting  them  as  students,  it  would  be  a  good  plan 
to  make  sure  that  they  possessed  a  certain  amount 
of  intellect  and  knowleds^e. 

The  workhouses,  the  imions,  the  board  schools,  in 
each  parish,  are  supported  at  the  expense  of  the 
ratepayers.  In  the  poorer  districts  the  poor-tax 
amounts  to  one  third  of  the  rent  ;  in  the  rich  ones, 
there  is  hardly  any  poor-tax  at  all.  It  is  easy  to  see 
at  a  glance  that  the  laws  here  are  made  by  the  land- 
lords and  the  aristocracy.  It  is  true  that  landed 
property  is  more  valuable  in  the  districts  where  the 
poor-tax  is  lower.  Nevertheless,  it  is  hoped  that 
London  will  soon  have  a  municipal  government 
which  will  extend  over  the  whole  capital,  and  that 
the  rates  will  be  uniform  in  all  parts  of  it.  The 
Corporation  of  London  at  present  only  represents 
the  City  proper. 

The  worshipful  city  companies,  to  the  number  of 
eighty  and  more,  do  not  now  concern  themselves 
much  about  the  various  branches  of  trade  that  they 
are  still  supposed  to  represent.  The  mercers,  the 
grocers,  the  haberdashers,  the  bakers,  the  carpenters, 
etc.,  are  simply  noblemen  and  the  princes  of  finance 
and  commerce,  gentlemen  who  go  in  for  charity  on 
a  large  scale,  with  money  which  does  not  come  out 
of  their  own  pockets,  make  prodigious  dinners,  get 
their  own  children  and  those  of  their  friends  edu- 
cated for  nothing,  and  take  part  in  tlie  Lord  Mayor's 
show  every  year  on  the  ninth  of  November.  The 
riches  of  these  companies,  which  have  been  accumu- 
lating for  centuries,  are  beginning  to  attract  the  at- 
tention of  the  public,  who  wish  to  find  out  whether 
by  better  employing  this  money,  which  was  intended 


JOHN   BULL   AND    HLS   ISLAND.  85 

to  do  good  to  the  needy,  the  poor-tax  might  not  be 
lightened.  Tlie  worshipful  companies  naturally  cry 
out  against  such  sacrilegious  interference  ;  but,  if 
the  municipality  of  London  is  ever  extended  over 
the  whole  town,  they  will  be  forced  to  show  their 
casli  boxes  and  give  an  account  of  the  uses  to  which 
they  put  their  colossal  fortunes. 

The  streets  are  infested  with  beggars,  to  whom  the 
English  do  not  trouble  to  reply,  "  I  have  no  small 
change,"  and  of  match  sellers,  bareheaded  and  bare- 
footed, merely  covered  with  one  coating  of  filth  and 
vermin,  and  another  of  rags.  If  these  creatures 
washed,  they  would  die  of  cold. 

German  bands,  hand  organs,  and  concertinas  are 
the  delight  of  the  poorer  neighbourhoods.  There 
exists  in  London  quite  a  colony  of  Italians,  with  dirty 
yellow  faces  and  bangles  in  their  ears,  who  live  by 
the  hand  organs.  They  are  all  accompanied  by  girls 
in  national  costume.  The  greater  part  of  these  are 
English  girls  whom  these  blackguards  of  the  lowest 
stamp  have  tampered  with  in  more  tlian  one  respect, 
and  who  prefer  the  adventurous  life  of  the  streets  to 
the  slavery  of  a  factory  life.  Organ  grinders  make, 
on  an  average,  about  ten  shillings  a  day,  it  appears. 
It  is,  as  I  have  said,  in  streets  inhabited  by  work- 
people that  they  reap  their  bronze-harvest.  They 
play  polkas,  waltzes,  and  especially  jigs,  and  all  the 
inhabitants  come  out  of  their  slums  and  dance 
around  the  instrument. 

The  attraction  of  every  popular  holiday  in  Eng- 
land is  a  band  of  Christy  minstrels,  street  singers, 
who  rub  soot  about  their  faces,  "get  themselves  up 
in   extraordinary   garments   made    of  great    multi- 


86  JOHN    BULL   AND    HIS   ISLAND. 

coloured  plaids,  and  sing  vulgar  songs,  whilst  they 
accompany  themselves  upon  banjos  improvised  out 
of  an  old  sauce  or  frying  pan.  These  artists,  ol 
American  importation,  sing  in  chorus,  dance,  grimace, 
and  see  themselves  inundated  with  pennies  that  fall 
from  all  quarters  into  their  grotesque  headgear. 

The  angel  of  charity,  the  lady  bountiful  !  This 
is  a  title  to  which  every  woman  who  has  no  duties  to 
keep  her  at  home  aspires.  The  misunderstood 
woman — the  old  maid — that  article  so  common  in 
England,  is  the  benefactress  of  the  human  race.  See 
her  trot  along  the  streets,  going  to  distribute  coal 
tickets,  bread  tickets,  w^ords  of  consolation,  verses  of 
the  Bible,  at  the  bedside  of  the  sick.  Do  not  .stop 
her  on  her  way  ;  she  is  so  busy  she  has  not  a  moment 
to  spare  ;  some  one  is  waiting  for  her.  Go,  dear 
kind  soul,  unclaimed  blessing,  the  wretch  who  dis- 
dains your  treasures  of  love  will  never  know  what 
he  has  lost  ! 

By  hundreds  may  be  counted  the  charitable  asso- 
ciations, the  benevolent  societies,  the  hospitals  and 
workhouses  ;  and  to  think  that  every  year  is  spent, 
in  Bibles  and  alcoholic  liquors  alone,  more  than 
^60,000,000,  that  is  to  say,  a  sum  of  money  which 
would  not  only  be  sufficient  to  abolish  pauperism, 
but  which  would  allow  every  freeborn  Briton  to  live 
like  a  gentleman. 

One  of  the  favourite  pastimes  of  John  Bull,  the 
protector  of  animals,  is  pigeon  shooting.  He  does 
not  always  content  himself  with  shooting  at  the  un- 
fortunate little  bird  ;  lie   sometimes  puts  out  one  of 


JOHN   BULL   AND    HIS    LSLAND.  87 

its  eyes,  tliat  it  may  only  fly  in  a  certain  direction, 
and  that  lie  may  shoot  it  more  easily.  This  kind  of 
sport,  however,  begins  to  be  a  little  less  popular, 
thanks  to  the  charming  Princess  of  Wales,  who  for- 
mally intimated  to  the  public  the  interest  she  felt  in 
these  poor  little  innocent  birds.  Not  long  ago,  the 
men  of  the  lowest  classes  used  to  find  great  pleasure 
in  flavins;-  cats  alive. 


& 


Magnanimity,  in  politics  especially,  is  a  virtue  of 
which  John  Bull  claims  the  sole  monopoly.  Read 
his  books  and  papers,  and  see  how  he  is  always 
offering  himself  incense  until  it  is  a  wonder  he  docs 
not  choke.  A  moralist  of  the  highest  order,  de- 
fender of  the  rights  of  small  nations,  apostle  of  the 
suppression  of  slavery,  propagator  of  the  true  faith, 
John  does  not  allow  any  one  else  to  have  a  hand  in 
the  protection  of  petty  states  ;  it  is  his  privilege 
and  his  only.  I  have  not  yet  forgotten  what  a  state 
he  was  in  when  the  French  troops  entered  Tunis  ; 
vrhat  a  perfect  fever  of  indignation  !  What  a  shower 
of  insults  he  poured  out  on  our  heads!  What  a 
drenching  he  gave  us  !  His  transports  of  fury  and 
abhorrence  were  epic.  As  his  heart  relieved  itself 
of  bitterness,  it  refilled  with  joy.  What !  can  it 
really  be  you,  friend  John,  preaching  to  us  on  the 
respect  due  to  small  nations  ?  You  who,  for  the 
past  ten  years  that  I  have  been  watching  you,  have 
made  war  upon  the  Ashantees,  the  Afghans,  the  Ba- 
sutos,  the  Boers,  the  Zulus,  the  Abyssinians,  the 
Egyptians,  and  Heaven  knows  whom  besides.  You, 
who  barked  at  Russia,  but  did  not  dare  to  bite,  be- 
cause you  no  longer,  as  in  1854,  had  France  at  your 


88  JOHN   BULL   AND    HIS   ISLAND. 

side  to  do  the  work  !  And,  even  for  this  little  noise, 
do  I  not  remember  that  you  made  the  poor  Sultan, 
automaton  of  all  the  Turkeys,  hand  you  over  the 
island  of  Cyprus  ?  What,  John  !  has  it  not  also  come 
to  my  ears  that  you  get  a  revenue  of  five  millions  of 
francs  by  enforcing  the  opium  trade  vi  et  tarmis? 
You  know  very  well  where  the  shoe  pinches  ;  you 
do  not  like  to  have  your  nose  rubbed  in  your  foreign 
policy — it  annoys  you,  O  great  philanthropist !  At 
least,  then,  be  a  little  charitable,  O  great  and  mag- 
nanimous Christian  ! 


XII. 

Christmas — The  Pkim-pudding — Recipe  for  making  a  Plum-pud^ 
ding — The  Pantoniimes — Bank  Holidays — Popular  Saturnalia 
— Unsatisfactory  Result  of  a  Philanthropic  Act. 

Christmas  is  the  great  family  fete  day  in  England. 
Rich  or  poor,  every  one  dines  at  Christmas.  Even 
the  poorest  carry,  the  day  before,  a  miserable  little 
bundle  of  rags  to  the  pawnbroker,  in  order  to  ob- 
tain the  wherewith  to  buy  a  dinner  of  meat  and 
pudding.  Familiar  faces  are  gathered  around  every 
fireside.  Only  at  this  time  of  the  year  does  the 
Englishman  lay  aside  all  business  cares,  and  give 
free  scope  to  feelings  of  gaiety.  On  Christmas 
Eve,  Father  Christmas,  with  his  long  frost-spangled 
beard,  comes  down  the  chimney  to  fill  the  stockings 
that  are  hung  at  the  bedside,  with  sweetmeats  and 
toys,  just  as  in  France  Petit  Noel  comes  and  fills  the 
little  shoes  that  are  laid  in  the  fireplace.  Here  New 
Vear's  Day  is  not  kept  as  a  holiday.  Christinas- boxes 
take  the  place  of  New  Year's  gifts. 

The  humblest  home  is  decorated  with  holly  and 
ivy  ;  the  poorest  housewife  prepares  her  goose  and 
plum-pudding.  The  English  excel  in  the  art  of 
decorating  the  interior  of  their  houses.  The  Christ- 
mas decorations  are  sometimes  quite  artistic,  even 
the  simplest  give  the  house  a  holiday  look  ;  you  see 


go  JOHN   BULL   AND    HIS   ISLAND. 

at  once  that  the  day  is  no  ordinary  one.  Only  the 
poor  postman  has  a  hard  time  of  it ;  he  must  carry 
compliments  of  the  season  and  good  wishes  to  every 
door.  "  To  you  and  yours  we  wish  a  Merry  Christ- 
mas and  a  Happy  New  Year,"  this  is  the  formula. 
The  poor  modern  Mercury  takes  heart  as  he  remem- 
bers that  after  he  has  delivered  compliments  of  the 
season,  presents  and  Christmas-boxes  to  all,  he  him- 
self will  not  be  forgotten  Vv^hen  the  time  comes  for 
him  to  knock  at  the  door  and  ask  for  his  Christmas- 
box.  No  one  forgets  him.  I  know  of  no  more 
universally  popular  personage  than  this  humble 
official.  Bearer  of  love  letters,  post-office  orders, 
cheques,  little  carefully  tied  packages,  all  the  more 
charming  that  it  is  difficult  to  get  at  their  contents, 
it  is  who  shall  be  the  first  to  open  the  door  to  him. 
He  is  welcomed  everywhere  ;  smiling  faces  greet 
him  at  every  door.  In  England,  the  postman  is  the 
hero  of  Christmas-time  ;  so  he  strikes  the  iron  while 
it  is  hot,  and  on  Boxing  Day  comes  round  to  ask 
for  a  reward  which  all  are  ready  to  give  without 
grudging. 

The  mistletoe  plays  an  important  part  at  Christ- 
mas. Besides  all  the  ivy  and  holly  with  which  look- 
ing-glasses and  pictures  are  framed,  branches  of 
mistletoe  are  suspended  from  the  ceiling.  This  part 
of  the  decorating  is  superintended  by  the  young  girls 
of  the  family,  who  liave  their  reasons  for  making 
sure  that  the  mistletoe  is  conveniently  placed,  for 
every  young  fellow  who  surprises  a  girl  beneath  it 
has  a  right  to  put  his  arm  round  her  waist  and  give 
her  a  kiss. 

The  king  of  the  day,  however,  is  indisputably  the 


JOHN    BULL   AND    HIS   ISLAND.  91 

plum-pudding.  You  should  see  faces  light  up  with 
pleasure,  and  little  mouths  stretch  out  on  the  entry 
of  the  majestic  monarch,  crowned  with  holly,  and 
exhaling  a  perfume  which  brings  joy  to  every  heart. 
I  must  say  that  I  never  properly  appreciated  the 
plum-pudding,  but  I  have  always  accepted  a  slice. 
To  refuse  a  helping  of  this  dainty  would  be  to  cast 
a  chill  over  the  family  feast,  to  play  the  sorry  part 
of  a  kill-joy  :  you  might  as  well  refuse  the  bread  and 
salt  of  Russian  hospitality.  The  English  seem  to 
be  the  only  people  who  appreciate  these  cakes  and 
puddings,  of  which  the  little  Corinthian  grape  is  the 
chief  ingredient.  It  is  Greece  that  supplies  these 
little  black  berries.  "  If  France,  Russia,  and  Amer- 
ica," says  M.  About  in  La  Grcce  Contemporainey 
"were  possessed  with  the  same  craving,  the  con- 
sumption of  this  product  would  be  unlimited,  and 
Greece  would  have  in  her  vines  an  inexhaustible 
source  of  revenue." 

It  is  no  small  matter  to  make  a  plum-pudding. 
Judge  for  yourself,  here  is  the  recipe  :  Take  a  pound 
and  a  half  of  raisins,  stone  them  and  cut  them  in 
halves,  and  add  half  a  pound  of  currants.  Chop  a 
pound  of  suet  and  a  pound  of  orange  and  lemon 
peel,  and  mix  with  ten  ounces  of  grated  bread- 
crumbs, a  pound  of  flour,  a  spoonful  of  baking 
powder,  ten  ounces  of  sugar,  half  a  pound  of  al- 
monds, eight  eggs,  salt,  spices,  half  a  pint  of  pale 
ale,  and  a  quartern  of  brandy.  Mix  well  and  boil 
for  eight  hours.  If  you  do  not  find  your  pudding 
tasty  enough  to  please  you,  I  advise  you,  next  time, 
to  add  a  decoction  of  half-an-ounce  of  shag.  This 
will  give  it  a  finis.hing  touch.     The  quantity  of  beer. 


92  JOHN   BULL   AND    HIS   ISLAND. 

brandy,  and  spice,  that  a  lower  class  cook  puts  into 
her  pudding,  renders  it  a  perfect  ball  of  fire  ;  you 
are  obliged  to  grasp  the  table,  and  hold  on  tight, 
whilst  you  swallow  a  mouthful  or  two  of  it. 

Most  of  the  theatres  give  a  pantomime  at  Christ- 
mas. These  pantomimes,  as  they  are  wrongly  called 
here,  are  absurd  cock-and-bull  stories,  founded  upon 
the  Arabian  Nights  or  the  fairy  tales,  and  gorgeously 
put  on  the  stage.  In  the  performance  of  Robinson 
Crusoe,  for  instance,  you  see  a  procession  of  all  the 
kings  and  queens  of  England,  from  William  the 
Conqueror  to  Queen  Victoria,  a  Lord  Mayor's  Show, 
and  a  review  of  English  troops  at  Cairo.  People 
enjoy  that,  and  find  no  fault  with  it.  No  wit  about 
these  productions.  Dazzling  costumes,  splendid 
ballets,  and  pretty  girls  by  hundreds.  When  the 
curtain  has  fallen  after  the  transformation  scene, 
the  performance  terminates  with  a  harlequinade  in 
which  the  poor  policeman — Bobby,  as  he  is  called — 
comes  in  for  all  the  blows  and  never  succeeds  in  col- 
laring the  clown  who  has  run  off  with  the  leg  of 
mutton.  The  laughs  are  all  at  the  expense  of  poor 
Bobby.  I  have  always  failed  to  understand  the  in- 
nocence, or  appreciate  the  morality,  of  the  English 
harlequinade. 

Sunday,  in  England,  being  a  day  of  funereal 
gloom,  and  not  a  holiday,  it  was  thought  necessary 
to  give  the  people  a  few  days  of  rest  or  rather  of 
pleasure.  Sir  John  I^ubbock  passed  a  bill  in  Parlia- 
ment, a  few  years  ago,  by  which  the  banks  were 
enjoined  to  close  on  four  days  in  the  year  :  Boxing- 


JOHN    BULL   AND    HIS   ISLAND,  93 

day,  Easter-Monday,  Whit-Monday,  and  the  first 
Monday  in  August.  These  are  called  Bank-holidays. 
The  English  people,  keepers  of  Saint  Monday /a;* 
excellence,  have  seized  the  occasion  by  the  forelock  ; 
all  the  shops  follow  the  example  of  the  banks  ;  the 
manufactories  and  workshops  give  up  their  work- 
men and  workwomen  ;  the  slums  and  sinks  of  Lon- 
don vomit  their  unclean  contents.  The  days  on 
which  these  popular  saturnalia  are  held,  you  must 
stay  at  home  and  draw  your  blinds. 

These  lower  classes  in  England  form  a  curious 
subject  for  study.  They  alone  preserve  the  tradi- 
tions of  Old  Merry  England.  Regardless  of  the 
future,  living  from  hand  to  mouth,  bohemian  to 
the  backbone,  noisy  and  coarse,  they  form  a  most 
striking  contrast  to  the  rest  of  this  nation  of  ants, 
morose,  frigid,  and  still  preserving  the  same  dread 
of  happiness  and  joy  as  in  the  days  of  John  Knox. 

It  is  the  same  difference  as  that  which  existed, 
in  the  eleventh  century,  between  the  Saxons  and  the 
Normans,  when,  on  the  eve  of  the  battle  of  Hast- 
ings, which  laid  England  at  the  feet  of  William  the 
Conqueror,  the  Normans  spent  the  night  in  prayer 
and  the  Saxons  in  riotous  drunkenness. 

At  eight  or  nine  in  the  morning,  the  public- 
houses  are  ready,  the  animals  are  let  out  of  leash, 
the  riot  begins.  The  sky-blue,  apple-green,  blood- 
red  figures  appear,  shouting  and  dancing  to  the 
strains  of  concertinas  ;  the  penny  cigars  are  lighted, 
the  mob  is  in  motion.  The  fete  opens  with  drink, 
continues  with  drink,  and  closes  with  drink  ;  it  is 
the  whole  day  one  desperate  struggle  between  the 
container  and  the  contained,  in  which  the  latter  is 


94 


JOHN    BULL   AND    HIS   ISLAN'^. 


often  worsted,  and  evacuates  the  field.  Few  or  no 
games.  They  knock  down  cocoa-nuts  with  short, 
thick  sticks,  play  pitch-and-toss,  or  mount  the 
merry-go-rounds ;  nothing  else.  No  plays  :  the 
English  lower  classes  never  go  to  a  theatre.  The 
people  crowd  iuto  the  open  spaces  to  drink,  dance 
and  lie  about.  The  more  furious  fight,  and  wind 
up  the  fun  of  this  national  holiday  by  a  visit  to  the 
lock-up.  For  days  the  streets  are  full  of  stragglers  ; 
it  is  a  whole  week  lost,  drowned  in  beer.  Such  is 
the  result  of  the  philanthropic  measure  of  Sir  John 
Lubbock.  The  police  are  indulgent  on  these 
days  :  if  every  drunkard  had  to  be  immui'ed,  the 
prisons  would  have  to  be  enlarged.  They  only  lock 
up  the  most  fro  ward — those  who  reply  with  their 
fists  to  the  policeman's  recommendation  to  go 
home.  I  remember  one  day  seeing  from  my  win- 
dow a  policeman  take  into  custody  a  young  woman 
of  about  eighteen,  dead  drunk.  She  was  trxang  to 
bite  and  kick  the  poor  constable.  The  mother  was 
behind,  vociferating  imprecations.  "  Ah  !  you  rascal  ! 
Why  can't  you  leave  her  alone?  Poor  dear!  She 
ain't  done  nothink  :  she's  drunk,  that  s  all." 

I  notice,  in  the  newspapers  of  the  27th  of 
December,  1882,  under  the  title  of  Holiday  Charges, 
a  list  of  charges  for  drunkenness  the  day  before. 

Here  are  the  figures  : — 


Bow  Street  Police  Court 

Zl 

Westminster 

45 

Clerkenwell 

43 

Worship  Street 

52 

Marylebone 

70 

Lambeth 

104 

(of  whom  57  were  women.) 


JOHN   BULL   AND   HIS   ISLAND. 


95 


Southwark  Police  Court 

27 

Greenwich 

.         48 

Hammersmitli 

" 

26 

West  Ham 

.       Z^ 

Hampstead 

62 

Highgate 

30 

Woolwich 

.        56 

This  list  does  not  contain  the  names  of  all  the 
police-courts,  and,  I  repeat  it,  only  the  most  furious 
are  incarcerated  on  Bank-holidays. 


XIII. 

John  Bull's  Cookery — Dinners — A  Tea  Party — Tea 
or  Coffee  ? 

The  cookery  of  John  Bull  leaves  much  to  be 
desired.  In  this  country — it  was  Voltaire  who  said 
it — there  are  fifty  different  religions,  but  only  one 
sauce.  Do  not  fancy,  however,  that  John  does 
not  like  nice  things.  When  he  is  in  Paris,  can't 
he  ferret  out  the  good  corners,  that's  all  !  But 
then  that  is  quite  another  matter.  In  Paris  he  has 
no  need  to  make  a  parade  of  goodness,  while  in 
London  he  is  obliged  to.  In  Ensj-land,  he  s^oes  to 
church  ;  in  Paris,  he  goes  to  Mabille.  Of  course 
it  is  perfectly  understood  that  it  is  only  to  look  on, 
and  to  be  able  to  describe  to  his  wife  when  he 
returns  home  how  wicked  those  dreadful  French- 
men are. 

In  the  aristocratic  households,  and  in  the  princi- 
pal clubs,  French  cooks  are  kept,  and  the  table  is 
excellent. 

In  an  ordinary  middle-  class  family,  the  Sunday 
dinner  consists  of  a  large  joint  of  about  ten  pounds 
weight,  and  excellent  in  quality,  I  must  say,  for 
English  meat  is  superior  to  any.  It  is  accompanied 
by  boiled  potatoes  and  other  vegetables.  A  few 
families  of  free-thinking  tendencies  with  regard  to 


JOHN   BULL   AND    MIS   ISLAND.  97 

matters  of  routine,  commence  the  repast  with  a 
pokigc  an  poivrc ;  but  tlieyare  not  yet  very  numerous. 
This  Sunday  joint  is  partaken  of  cold  on  Mondays, 
and  in  the  form  of  a  pudding  on  Tuesdays,  with 
the  same  vegetables.  Vegetables,  as  a  separate 
course,  have  yet  to  be  known.  Asparagus,  young 
green  peas  even,  are  plainly  boiled  and  eaten  with 
the  meat,  and  badly  boiled,  as  a  rule  ;  they  have 
to  be  crunched  rather  than  eaten.  Asparagus  with 
white  sauce  or  in  salad,  spinach  or  peas  au  sucre, 
even  fried  potatoes,  that  democratic  dish,  all  such 
things  would  be  considered  epicurean.  Here  Puri- 
tanism is  carried  even  as  far  as  to  the  kitchen.  It 
would  seem  that  man  had  been  placed  in  this  world 
to  deny  himself  the  good  things  that  the  Creator 
put  in  it. 

In  Scotland,  things  are  still  worse.  Walter  Scott 
relates  that,  when  a  child,  he  one  day  took  the 
liberty  of  exclaiming  before  his  father  :  "  Oh  !  how 
nice  the  soup  is  !  "  The  Puritan  parent  forthwith 
ordered  a  pint  of  cold  water  to  be  added  to  it. 

The  head  of  the  family  says  grace  before  and 
after  the  repast.  In  low-church  or  dissenting 
families,  the  father  repeats  grace  for  one  or  two 
minutes.  He  does  this  to  remind  you  that  you 
are  not  at  table  to  enjoy  yourself,  and  you  soon 
find  out  that  he  is  right.  Everyone  is  motionless 
and  silent.  If  you  venture  a  remark,  you  receive 
monosyllabic  replies.  You  are  asked  if  you  will 
take  a  little  more  beef,  and  you  reply  :  "  No,  thank 
you,"  or  "  If  you  please,  but  only  a  very  small 
piece."  Of  these  two  alternatives  you  had  better 
choose  the  first,  it  is  the  more  proper.  If  you  are 
7 


98  JOHN   BULL   AND    HIS   ISLAND. 

asked,  as  you  certainly  will  be,  "Have 'you  been 
Icng  in  England?"  and  "How  do  you  like  it?" 
be  sure  and  say  exactly  how  long  you  have  been 
over,  and  that  you  like  England  very  much.  Do 
no!:  venture  into  details,  that  would  be  a  conver- 
sation, and  nobody  would  be  grateful  to  you  for 
breaking  the  solemn  silence.  After  you  have  been 
thus  seated  at  table  about  an  hour,  you  will  be 
seized  with  a  longing  to  shriek,  or  to  pinch  your 
neighbour,  to  ascertain  whether  he  is  alive  or  only 
pretending.  You  had  better  mind,  or  you  would  not 
get  invited  again,  which  you  would  regret  very  much. 

If  John  dines  frugally  at  home,  it  is  in  public 
that  you  should  see  him  at  table.  His  appetite 
and  his  epicurism  are  then  revealed  to  an  astonish- 
ing extent.  The  public  dinner  is  an  eminently 
English  institution. 

The  king  of  banquets  is  the  one  given  by  the 
Lord  Mayor,  on  the  ninth  of  November,  the  day  of 
his  installation  at  the  Guildhall. 

All  the  City  companies,  all  the  clubs,  and  all  the 
societies  hold  their  annual  banquets.  One  of  the 
finest  London  dinners,  the  most  interesting  perhaps, 
is  that  given  by  the  Royal  Academy  of  Pamting. 
Politics  are  excluded.  It  is  the  rendezvous  of  all 
the  aristocracy  of  Nature  in  England.  Cabinet  min- 
isters, eminent  members  of  the  House  of  Lords  and 
of  the  House  of  Commons,  conservatives  or  liberals, 
bishops,  generals,  judges,  scientific  and  literary  men, 
artists,  lawyers — every  great  man  of  the  day  is  to  be 
seen  at  that  table.  The  Prince  of  Wales  and  his 
bi others  never  fail  to  honour  this  banquet  with  their 
presence. 


JOHN   BULL   AND    HIS   ISLAND.  99 

These  dinners  cost  fabulous  sums  of  money — from 
five  to  eight  pounds  a  head.  The  turtle  soup,  which 
invariably  heads  the  menu,  costs  a  guinea  a  quart. 
The  rest  to  match. 

At  dessert,  the  loving-cup  is  passed  around,  and 
toasts  and  speeches  begin.  The  English,  who  have 
been  used  in  the  debating  societies  of  the  public 
schools  and  viniversities,  to  speaking  in  public,  excel 
in  after-dinner  speeches,  which  are  sometimes  per- 
fect little  masterpieces  of  apropos  and  humour. 

First  come  the  patriotic  toasts  :  the  Queen,  the 
Prince  of  Wales,  and  the  other  members  of  the 
Royal  Family  ;  the  army  and  navy,  the  Houses  of 
Parliament.  Then  comes  the  toast  of  the  evening, 
that  is  to  say,  that  the  success  of  the  club  or  the 
society  is  drunk,  or  the  health  of  the  principal  guest, 
if  the  dinner  is  given  in  honour  of  some  hero  of  the 
day. 

Ladies  are  seldom  invited  to  these  banquets. 
When  they  are  included,  however,  the  assembly 
breaks  up  after  the  toast  to  the  ladies. 

These  dinners  last  from  four  to  five  hours. 

When  you  go  to  a  part}',  the  servant,  before  show- 
ing you  to  the  drawing-room,  conducts  you  to  the 
dining-room,  and  there  asks  you  whether  you  take 
tea  or  coffee.  You  promptly  reply  that  you  take  tea. 
The  coffee  is  generally  atrocious,  simply  because  no 
one  knows  how  to  make  it,  or  will  take  the  trouble 
of  making  it  properly. 

Tea,  which  is  still  in  France  a  luxury,  costing 
twelve  or  fifteen  francs  a  pound,  is  excellent  in  Eng- 


lOO  JOHN    BULL   AND    HIS   ISLAND. 

land  for  two  francs  and  a  half.  So  the  poorest  fami- 
lies can  indulge  in  a  cup  of  tea  night  and  morning. 
It  is  the  favourite  drink  of  women,  and  the  cure  for 
all  ills.  "  Ah  !  sir,"  said  an  old  Norman  peasant- 
woman  to  me  one  day,  "my  coffee — after  the  sweet 
Jesus — is  my  salvation  !  "  Tea  plays  the  same  part 
over  here. 

The  tea-kettle  is,  like  the  pot-au-feu  in  France,  the 
emblem  of  domestic  virtue. 

It  is  when  John  drinks  his  tea  very  hot  in  tiny 
sips,  nibbling  a  bit  of  bread-and-butter  or  of  toast, 
that  he  is  really  beautiful  and  edifying.  Nearly  all 
the  middle-class  take  tea  at  five  o'clock,  and  still 
make  a  meal  of  it.  Better  still  :  John  sometimes 
gives  what  he  calls  a  tea-party,  a  compound  noun 
which  I  would  not  attempt  to  translate  into  French. 
Then,  besides  bread-and-butter  and  toast,  the  table 
is  laid  out  with  preserves,  and  black  dry  cakes,  very 
much  like  gingerbread  in  colour  and  taste.  The 
old  maids  are  in  the  seventh  heaven.  You  should 
see  them,  forcing  angelic  smiles  over  tusks  an  inch 
long,  with  their  eyes  chastely  cast  down,  and  their 
hands  folded  on  the  edge  of  the  table,  waiting  for  the 
lady  of  the  house  to  ask  them  if  they  take  milk  and 
sugar,  or  if  their  tea  is  sweet  enough. 

"  Is  your  tea  as  you  like  it  ? " 

"  Oh  !  very  nice,  thank  you." 

The  body  remains  motionless,  bolt  upright,  the 
head  alone  turns  slightly. 

"  Will  you  not  take  a  little  cake  ?  " 

"  No,  thank  you,  only  a  tiny  piece  of  bread-and- 
butter." 

At  dinner,  if  conversation  flags  at  every  moment, 


JOHN   BULL   AND    HIS   ISLAND.  lOI 

beef  and  pale  ale  are  there  to  keep  you  alive  at  any 
rate,  but  with  these  slops  and  slices,  you  have  not 
even  strength  enough  to  attempt  to  enliven  it.  You 
give  up  the  idea  at  the  outset,  and  it  dies  in  agonies. 
Shelley  has  described  these 

"    .         .         •         .         teas 
Where  small  talk  dies  in  agonies." 

It  is  appalling. 

"        .         .         A  party  in  a  parlour, 

Some  sipping  tea, 
But  as  you  by  their  faces  see, 
All  silent,  and  all damned." 

We  must,  however,  do  justice  to  English  hospi- 
tality. You  will  never  be  invited  to  a  party,  be  it 
ever  so  modest,  without  being  asked  to  sit  dowm  to 
a  good  supper.  When  somebody  proposed  to  us, 
young  men  in  Paris,  to  take  us  to  a  ball,  we  never 
failed  to  inquire  J^eforehand  whether  there  was  a 
supper  to  be  expected.  Needless  to  ask  such  a 
question  in  England  :  cela  va  sans  dire. 

In  France,  to  this  very  day,  and  in  very  good 
houses  indeed,  the  mistress  of  the  house  will  ask  you, 
about  one  o'clock  in  the  morning,  whether  you  would 
like  to  take  a  cup  of  chocolate  ! 

No,  we  shall  never  be  serious  like  the  English. 


XIV. 

Justice — Juries — Legal  Proceedings — The  Policeman  is  not  Sacred 
— I.ove  of  Pettifogging — A  Bill  of  Costs — ^500  Reward — The 
Shah  of  Persia  at  Newgate. 

The  English,  with  their  free  institutions,  do  not 
give  their  magistrates  the  power  of  judging  them. 
In  all  cases,  criminal  or  civil,  it  is  a  jury  who  finds  a 
true  bill  against  the  prisoner,  decides  upon  his  cul- 
pability or  innocence,*  returns  a  verdict  for  plaintiff 
or  defendant,  and  fixes  the  amount  of  damages.  The 
judge  simply  interprets  the  law,  and  pronounces 
judgment.  If,  in  his  summing  up,  which  should  be 
a  clear  and  impartial  statement  of  the  evidence  for 
and  against  the  prisoner,  he  allows  his  personal 
opinion  to  transpire,  you  should  see  how  the  papers 
of  the  following  day  are  down  upon  him  and  take 
him  to  task.  The  prisoner  becomes  the  object  of 
universal  sympathy,  and  an  explosion  of  public 
opinion  seldom  fails  to  immediately  obtain  for  him 
a  mitigation  or  compensation.  We  all  remember 
the  Staunton  case  :  the  four  prisoners  were  con= 
demned  to  death  ;  but,  a  few  days  after,  three  of 
them  had  their  sentences  commuted  to  penal  servi- 

*  And  there  is  no  condemnation  unless  the  jury  all  agree  upon 
their  verdict.  If  tliey  do  not,  they  are  discharged,  and  the  case  is 
carried  before  anotlier  jury. 


JOHN   BULL   AND    HIS    ISLAND.  103 

tude,  and  the  fourth  was  set  at  liberty  without   de- 
lay. 

In  France,  we  give  almost  unlimited  arbitrary 
powers  to  a  legion  of  badly-paid*  magistrates,  who 
are  for  the  most  part — in  the  provinces  at  least — the 
failures  of  our  Bar.  I  warrant  that  there  are  more 
judges  in  a  French  town  of  50,000  inhabitants  than 
in  the  whole  of  England. 

There  are  few  countries  in  which  democratic  ten- 
dencies are  more  marked  than  in  France.  In  spite 
of  this,  public  opinion  does  not  concern  itself  abcut 
judicial  proceedings,  because  there  is  no  country  in 
which  authority  is  less  respected,  although,  strange 
to  say,  there  is  not  one  in  which  it  is  more  feared 
and  more  easily  submitted  to.  We  seem  to  acceot 
all  forms  of  tyranny  in  order  to  shirk  all  responji- 
bility.  Democracy  with  us  chiefly  consists  in  hold- 
ing up  to  ridicule  a  despotism,  the  acts  of  which  we 
in  turn  approve  by  holding  up  to  ridicule  those  who 
are  the  victims  of  it.  Upon  the  least  suspicion  a 
magistrate  may  order,  on  his  own  responsibility — a 
responsibility,  I  may  add,  which  no  one  has  a  rignt 
to  question — he  may  order,  I  say,  a  search  or  an  ar- 
rest in  any  private  house. 

Personal  security  is  differently  imderstood  by 
other  free  nations  ;  the  United  States  for  instance. 
Here  are  two  articles  from  the  Statute  Book  of  that 
country  : — 

"  The  right  which  every  citizen  has  to  enjoy  the 
secvu-ity  of  his  person,  his  abode,  his  papers,  and 
effects,  against  unreasonable  searches  and  seizures, 

*  About  £']0  a  year. 


104  JOHN   BULL   AND    HIS   ISLAND. 

shall  be  inviolable  ;  no  warrant  shall  be  issued  ex> 
cept  upon  well-founded  presumption,  corroborated 
upon  oath." 

"  No  person  shall  be  called  upon  to  answer  an 
accusation  unless  a  true  bill  has  been  found  against 
that  person  by  a  grand  jury." 

In  England,  a  man  who  is  arrested  and  informed 
of  the  charge  brought  against  him,  says  :  "  You  will 
have  to  prove  it ; "  and  the  inspector  at  the  police 
station  tells  him  :  "  I  must  caution  you  against  mak- 
ing any  statement.  In  fact,  anything  you  may  say 
will  be  used  in  evidence  against  you." 

If,  in  France,  a  man  is  accused  of  stealing  a  watch, 
the  j'l/ge  {f  instruction  invariably  says  to  him  :  "  The 
best  thing  you  can  do  is  to  make  a  full  confession  ;" 
or,  "  You  are  charged  with  stealing  a  watch,  prove 
that  you  are  innocent."  In  England,  the  accused 
person  is  told:  "You  are  charged  with  stealing  a 
watch,  you  have  nothing  to  say,  we  shall  have  to 
prove  it."  Such  are  the  two  different  manners  of 
proceeding.  No  inquisition  in  the  shape  of  private 
examination.  No  prevention — that  is  to  say,  that, 
except  in  grave  cases,  the  prisoner  is  liberated  on 
bail.  He  appears  before  a  magistrate,  in  public,  the 
very  day  after  his  arrest.  If  he  makes  a  full  confes- 
sion, the  magistrate  advises  him  to  reserve  his  de- 
fence and  to  plead  not  guilty.  He  is  not  made  to 
undergo  any  examination,  and  it  is  preferred  that  he 
should  not  admit  his  guilt,  in  order  that,  by  inde- 
pendent evidence,  the  charge  may  be  brought  home 
to  him.  Besides,  it  is  quite  common  here  to  see 
people  giving  themselves  up  to  justice,  and  as- 
serting that  they  have  committed  some  crime.     It  is 


JOHN   BULL  AND    HIS   ISLAND.  IO5 

a  very  frequent  mania.  When  any  case  of  murder 
remains  obscured  in  mystery,  all  the  drunkards  take 
it  into  their  heads  that  they  committed  it,  and  they 
go  and  give  themselves  up  to  the  police.  An  in- 
quiry is  made,  and  they  are  set  at  liberty. 

The  examination  of  the  witnesses  is  done  by  coun- 
sel. The  judge  presides  over  the  proceedings  :  he 
acts  as  moderator.  The  prisoner  is  quietly  seated 
in  the  dock  -.  he  listens  ;  the  poor  witnesses  pass  an 
uncomfortable  quarter  of  an  hour  in  the  hands  of 
the  lawyers. 

In  order  that  the  jury  may  not  be  influenced  by 
the  antecedents  of  the  prisoner,  if  they  should  be 
bad,  no  reference  to  them  is  permitted.*  If  he  is 
found  guilty,  a  member  of  the  police  comes  forward 
to  prove  that  the  prisoner  has  already  undergone 
several  sentences,  and  then  the  judge  applies  the 
full  rigour  of  the  law.  As  to  the  witnesses,  every 
effort  is  made  to  show  that  their  evidence  is  not 
trustworthy.  The  most  incongruous  questions  are 
put  to  them.  Woe  betide  them,  if  there  exist  any 
page  in  their  past  life  that  they  would  fain  keep  se- 
cret !  "  Are  you  married  to  the  man  you  live  with  ?  " 
a  woman  may  be  asked.  "Are  you  a  faithful  wife  ? 
Is  it  not  a  fact  that  you  are  addicted  to  drinking  ?  " 
She  has  to  answer  all  this.  There  are  some  who  get 
angry  over  it,  and  the  audience  enjoy  the  fun. 

English  judges  are  chosen  from  among  the  shining 
lights  of  the  bar  ;  they  receive  enormous  emolu- 
ments and  arc  irremovable,  two  conditions  quite  in- 

*  See  Appcndi.x  (A). 


I06  JOHN   BULL   AND   HIS   ISLAND, 

dispensable  to  their  independence.     John  Bull  pays 
his  servants  well,  but  he  expects  to  be  well  served. 

The  era  of  liberty  began  with  the  French  Revolu- 
tion nearly  a  hundred  years  ago.  Since  that  time, 
Heaven  knows  how  many  governments  and  con- 
stitutions—all immutable  and  perpetual  of  course — ' 
France  has  had.  A  curious  fact,  however,  well 
worth  noticing,  when  we  consider  the  progress  of 
that  liberty  bought  at  the  price  of  so  many  bloody 
revolutions,  is  the  survival  of  Article  75  of  the  Con- 
stitution of  the  Year  viii.,  after  three  monarchies, 
two  empires,  and  two  republics. 

This  article,  as  every  one  knows,  runs  thus  :  "  Gov- 
ernment officials,  with  the  exception  of  ministers, 
can  only  be  prosecuted  for  offences  having  reference 
to  the  discharge  of  their  duties,  by  virtue  of  a 
special  decision  of  the  Council  of  State,  and  the 
case  shall  be  heard  in  an  ordinary  court  of  justice." 

Article  75  of  the  Constitution  of  the  Year  viii. 
owes  its  existence  to  the  most  tyrannical  spirit  of 
the  century  :  it  was  suggested  to  Sieyes  by  the  First- 
Consul  at  the  time  when  the  latter  was  quietly  pre- 
paring to  entomb  the  liberties  of  the  country. 

The  monarchies  that  succeeded  the  first  empire 
took  good  care  to  preserve  an  article  so  invaluable 
to  despotism.  Before  the  Revolution,  the  Govern- 
ment covered  the  acts  of  its  agents  by  illegality  and 
absolutism;  since  the  Revolution,  it  has- covered 
them  by  the  law.     It  is  an  improvement.         , 

Thus  a  Government  official  can  only  be  prose- 
cuted by  virtue  of  a  decision  of  the  Council  of  State, 
Would  not  such  an  appeal  be  a  perfect  farce  ?   Does 


JOHN   BULL   AND    HIS   ISLAND.  107 

not  the  Council  of  State  emanate  from  the  Execu- 
tive Power  ?     Is  it  not  part  and  parcel  of  it  ? 

In  England,  you  collar  a  policeman  who  has  in- 
sulted or  touched  you,  and  give  him  in  charge.  The 
following  day,  you  appear  against  him,  and  if  you 
can  prove  your  case  he  is  condemned ;  and  yet, 
although  his  little  stafif  constitutes  his  whole  equip- 
ment, he  is  more  respected  than  our  sergent-de-vil/e 
with  all  the  war  materials  that  he  carries  about.  It 
was  not  long  ago  that  I  saw  him  with  a  sword  and  a 
revolver. 

The  following  incident  occurred  in  England  not 
long  ago.  Two  mounted  policemen,  who  had  ar- 
rested a  man,  were  proceeding  to  a  police-station 
with  him  ;  but  as  he  refused  to  follow,  one  of  them 
alighted  from  his  horse  and  attached  him  to  the 
saddle.  The  unfortunate  fellow,  not  being  able  to 
keep  up  with  the  horse,  fell  and  was  dragged  along 
the  road  about  a  length  of  fifteen  yards.  The  spec- 
tators, indignant,  stopped  the  two  policemen,  and 
gave  them  in  charge.  They  were  tried  and  con- 
demned to  seven  years'  penal  servitude. 

The  English  have  a  love  of  pettifogging:  it  is  in 
the  Norman  blood.  This  peculiar  taste  is  an  ex- 
pensive one,  especially  in  England,  where,  though 
justice  is  prompt  and  decisive  in  criminal  matters, 
it  is  slow  and  costlv  in  civil  ones.  A  barrister  of 
tlie  least  reputation  will  not  put  on  his  wig  for  less 
than  -/'20.  A  Queen's  counsel  demands  fabulous 
fees.  The  solicitor,  the  general  lawyer,  does  the 
work  of  our  notaires,  avouds   and   huissiers ;   he  can 


I08  JOHN   BULL   AND   HIS   ISLAND. 

even  plead  in  the  police-courts.     His  bills  of  costs 
are  master-pieces  in  their  way.      Here  is  one  : — 


1.  To  receiving  a  letter  from  you,  and 

reading  it 36 

2.  To  writing  the  answer        .         .         .     ^      6 

3.  To  hiring  a  cab   .         ,         ,         .         ,50 

4.  To  thinking  of  your  affair  in  the  cab     3       6 

5.  To  listening  to  your  remarks      .         .36 

6.  To  answering  them      .         .         .         .36 

7.  To    meeting   your   father-in-law   and 

speaking  to  him  of  your  affair         ,     3      6 

One  wonders  how  much  a  solicitor  would  charge 
his  client  for  dreaming  of  his  affair.  And  so  the 
seeings,  beings,  goings,  thinkings,  &c.,  at  three-and-six 
a  piece,  cover  dozens  of  pages. 

Judges  and  barristers  still  wear  the  powdered 
wigs  with  pig-tails  of  a  hundred  years  ago.  "  Tel 
lit  d  iin  juge  en  habit  court  qui  tremble  au  seul  aspect  iTun 
procureiir  en  robe.  La  forme,  la  a  forme ! "  says 
Brid'oison,  who  is  not  dead  yet. 

The  English  love  their  old  mouuments,  their 
ancient  castles,  their  time-honoured  customs.  We 
French  people  are  Vandals,  You  can,  at  the  present 
time,  see  the  Tower  of  London,  exactly  as  it  stood 
hundreds  of  years  ago  ;  and  the  people,  who  visit 
its  dungeons,  can  see  for  themselves  the  progress 
that  man  has  made.  In  France,  no  more  Bastille,  no 
more  Donjon  de  Vincennes  to  be  seen  !  The  very 
names  of  our  streets  die  with  each  government. 
What  a  mistake  !  I  believe  that,  if  every  town  in 
France  had  a  Waterloo  Place  and  a  Sedan  Street, 


JOHN   BULL   AND   HIS   ISLAND.  lOQ 

the  remembrance  of  tlie  empire  would  remain  en- 
graved on  their  hearts  for  a  long  time  to  come. 

John  Bull  executes  more  criminals  than  all  the 
other  European  States  put  together.*  Extenuating 
circumstances  are  not  taken  into  consideration  in 
trials  for  murder.  It  is  sufficient,  in  England,  to  be 
convicted  of  having  wilfully  taken  the  life  of  a  per- 
son to  forfeit  one's  life.  The  law  makes  no  distinc- 
tion between  one  who  has  committed  murder  in  a 
moment  of  passion  or  jealousy,  and  one  who  has 
long  premeditated  the  death  of  his  victim  to  satisfy 
the  basest  of  cravings. 

"During  my  visit  to  the  United  States,"  says  M, 
Alexis  de  Tocqueville,  "  I  saw  the  inhabitants  of  a 
country,  in  which  a  great  crime  had  been  com- 
mitted, spontaneously  form  committees  for  th.e 
purpose  of  bringing  the  criminal  to  justice."  This 
is  all  very  well,  but  the  occupation  of  amateur  de- 
tective is  an  ugly  one.  A  criminal  may,  it  is  true, 
be  an  enemy  of  mankind  ;  still,  one  cannot  help  feel- 
ing pleased  to  know  that  there  are  men  who,  for  a 
consideration,  will  willingly  track,  arrest,  condemn, 
and  hang  him.  In  England,  when  the  perpetrator 
of  a  crime  cannot  be  found,  the  police  have  the  walls 
of  a  town  covered  with  placards,  offering  a  reward 
of  loo,  200,  500  pounds  sterling,  according  to  the 
gravity  of  the  crime,  to  whoever  will  give  such  in- 
formation as  shall  lead  to  the  apprehension  and 
conviction  of  the  criminal.  The  plan  often  succeeds, 
especially  in   Ireland,  among  the   Fenians.     An  ac- 


*  See  Appendix  B. 


no  JOHN    BULL   AND    HIS   ISLAND. 

complice  often  obtains  his  own  pardon  by  denounc- 
ing his  confederates  ;  the  approver  has  always  played 
an  important  part  in  the  history  of  crime  in  Ireland. 

Hanging  gives  instantaneous  death,  and  causes  no 
suffering,  say  the  Englisli.  This  may  be  ;  but  tne 
rope  often  breaks,  and  I  have  known  Marwood  to 
bunofle  over  his  work  more  than  once.  He  has  had 
practice  enough  ;  he  ought  to  know  the  ropes  by 
this  time. 

A  propos  of  hanging  : 

Whilst  the  Shah  of  Persia  was  on  a  visit  to  Eng- 
land, he  wanted  to  see  how  the  English  executed 
their  criminals.  The  sight  of  torture  is  a  favourite 
entertainment  of  Eastern  monarchs.  Accompanied 
by  a  numerous  suite,  he  w^ent  to  Newgate,  the  Lon- 
don Roquette.  Great  was  his  disappointment  upon 
hearing  that  the  rope  gave  instantaneous  death. 
Hovv'ever,  he  decided  upon  seeing  how  the  apparatus 
worked,  and  desired  the  governor  of  the  prison  to 
be  good  enough  to  execute  a  criminal  on  the  spot. 
It  was  represented  to  him  that  there  were  no 
criminals  lying  under  sentence  of  death  just  then. 
He  was  about  to  lose  his  temper,  when,  recollecting 
himself,  he  cried,  "  That's  no  objection  ;  I  will  let 
you  have  one  of  my  suite. " 

The  London  folks  have  not  forgotten  it  yet. 


XV. 

Duels — A  sensible  Duel — Polygamy — A  good,  charitable,  Christian 
Polygamist — Different  ways  of  looking  at  a  question — Black- 
mail levied  in  parks  and  streets — The  Thief's  Eldorado. 

In  England,  a  duellist  who  had  killed  his  adversary 
would  be  tried  for  murder  ;  if  he  had  wounded  him 
only,  he  would  be  tried  for  attempt  to  murder.  The 
Englishman  regards  that  man  as  eminently  ridiculous 
who,  after  being  insulted,  asks  for  six  inches  of  cold 
steel  through  the  body  as  compensation.  In  the 
lower  classes,  an  insulted  man  pays  his  insulter  cash 
in  the  form  of  one  of  those  blows  such  as  John  Bull 
alone  knows  how  to  administer.  The  men  of  the 
better  classes  carry  their  complaint  to  the  law-courts 
and  get  damages  awarded  them.  There  is  sense  in 
that.  As  I  write,  a  sculptor  has  just  been  condemned 
to  pay  a  brother  sculptor  ^^5,000  for  having  said  of 
him  in  a  newspaper  that  he  was  not  the  author  of 
all  the  works  that  he  had  given  to  the  world  as  his 
own.  Our  great  duellists  would  only  be  pitiful 
heroes  at  the  Central  Criminal  Court  here  in  Eng- 
land. 

There  is  nothing  like  a  good  fine  of  a  few  thou- 
sands of  francs  to  strip  a  man  of  that  halo  of  chivalry 
and  romance  that  a  sword  in  the  hand  surrounds  him 
with.    The  duel  is  treated  seriously  in  France,  where, 


112  JOHN   BULL   AND    HIS   ISLAND. 

for  that  very  reason,  it  is  not  likely  to  die  out  just 
directly. 

For  my  part,  this  is  how  I  understand  duelling : 
"  Sir,"  wrote  a  German  journalist  to  a  Russian  one 
a  short  time  ago,  "your  article  upon  German  women 
is  infamous.  I  deeply  regret  that  the  distance  which 
separates  us  prevents  my  boxing  your  ears  as  you 
deserve,  but  I  beg  you  to  take  the  will  for  the  deed, 
and  to  consider  yourself  well  and  duly  cuffed,  by 
your  humble  and  obedient  servant." — The  Russian 
replied  by  return  of  post:  "Sir,  just  at  the  time 
when  you  were  cuffing  me,  the  happy  idea  of  draAV- 
ing  a  revolver  from  my  pocket  and  blowing  your 
brains  out  on  the  spot  occurred  to  me  ;  I  therefore 
beg  you  to  consider  yourself  as  quite  dead  and  duly 
buried.     Your  very  humble  and  obedient  servant." 

The  polygamist,  who  is  punished  in  France  with 
from  five  to  ten  years'  penal  servitude,  gets  off  with 
a  few  months'  imprisonment  in  England  ;  indeed  he 
is  oftenest  acquitted.  In  this  country,  where  deser- 
tion is  so  frequent  in  married  life,  where  marriage 
is  so  easy,  and  the  registre  de  V Etat  civil  is  unknown, 
the  accused  persons  can  always,  with  good  chance  of 
success,  plead  the  departure  of  the  spouse,  and  igno- 
rance of  his  or  her  existence.  People  set  out  for 
Canada,  Australia,  or  New  Zealand,  maybe  get 
wrecked  ;  or  if  they  ever  arrive  in  port,  do  not  give 
any  more  account  of  themselves.  Such  cases  are 
happening  daily.  In  France,  with  our  administra- 
tive organisation,  a  debtor  or  bankrupt  has  no  chance 
of  escape  ;  in  England,  you  would  more  easily  catch 
a  sparrow  by  the  tail. 


JOHN   BULL   AND    HIS   ISLAND.  II3 

Moreover  laws  and  customs  in  England  encourage 
marriage.  Concubinage  is  rare,  except  among  the 
lower  classes  ;  the  formalities  of  marriage  are  so 
elementary  that  it  is  really  not  worth  wiiile  to  dis- 
pense with  them  ;  and  so,  instead  of  taking  a  mis- 
tress, a  man  marries.  An  Englishman  may  marry  his 
wife's  sister  without  binding  himself  to  anything. 
He  takes  her  to  church,  presents  her  to  the  clergy- 
man as  Miss  So-and-so,  and  is  married  to  her.  The 
marriage  is  illegal,  and  he  may  marry  again  as  he 
chooses. 

I  extract  the  following  lines  from  an  account  of 
the  cross-examination  of  a  witness  by  the  counsel 
for  the  defence. 

**A  witness,"  cries  Pierre  Chopart  in  the  Courier 
de  Lyon,  "cheer  up,  old  fellow!  Witness!  Tliat's 
respectable,  at  any  rate  !"  In  England,  the  position 
of  a  witness  is  no  enviable  one,  I  can  assure  you. 
Whether  you  be  on  the  side  of  plaintiff  or  defend- 
ant, you  will  have  to  submit  to  a  cross-examination 
at  the  hands  of  the  counsel  of  the  adverse  side,  and 
you  will  pass  an  uncomfortable  quarter  of  an  hour. 
See  what  you  think  of  the  following  : — 

Counsel. — "  You  have  had  more  experience  of 
women  than  the  accused,  I  believe." 

Witness.— ''^or 

Counsel. — "You  got  married  in  1875,  did  you 
not  ?  " 

Wiiness. — "  I  decline  to  answer  that  question." 

Counsel. — "But  you  must  answer  it." 

Witness.— ''\Yii\\,  then,  I  think  I  did." 

Counsel. — "  You  married  Miss  Mary  Jane  E ^ 

did  you  not  ?  " 
8 


114  JOHN   BULL   AND   HIS   ISLAND. 

my;iess.~"]  did." 

Counsel. — "  Is  she  still  alive  ? " 

Witness. — "  No,  she  is  dead  ;  (recollecting  himself) 
I  should  say,  that  is  to  say  ....  well,  yes, 
she  is  still  alive." 

Counsel. — "  Did  you  marr}'  in  1879  ?" 

Witness.—''  I  did." 

Counsel — "Was  the  lady's  name  Miss  E.  A ?" 

Witness. — "  INIy  second  wife  was  my  first  wife's  sis- 
ter ;  the  marriage  was  illegal." 

Counsel. — "  That  makes  three,  does  it  not  ?  How 
old  are  you  ?" 

Witness. — "  Thirty-two." 

Counsel.—"'  When  did  your  first  wife  die  ?  " 

Witness.—''  In  1876." 

Counsel. — "Nevertheless,  you  married  her  sister  in 

1875?" 

Witness.—"  I  did." 

Counsel. — "  Are  these  the  only  women  you  have 
married  ? " 

'Witness. — "  Yes." 

Counsel. — "  Are  you  quite  sure  ? " 

Witness. — "  Perfectly  sure." 

Counsel. — "You  tell  us  that  you  think  the  accused 
guilty.  How  came  you  to  treat  him  as  a  friend  up 
to  the  moment  of  his  arrest  ?  " 

Witness. — "  I  do  not  see  why  one  should  cease  to 
treat  a  man  as  a  friend  because  he  has  committed  a 
fault.  I  would  be  friendly  with  a  man  who  had  com- 
mitted the  greatest  crime  in  the  world  if  by  so  doing 
I  could  help  him  in  any  way." 

Counsel. — "  What !  even  if  he  had  married  his  wife's 
sister,  and  abandoned  her  afterwards  ?" 


JOHN   BULL   AND    HIS   ISLAND.  II 5 

Wiiness.—''  Certainly." 

Counsel. — "You  are  an  excellent  Christian,  I  see. 
Now  tell  us     .     .     .     ."  &c. 

I  extract  the  following  lines  from  the  newspapers : 

Hammersmith  Police  Court  (2nd  March,  1883). — 
A  soldier  is  accused  of  bigamy.  The  first  witness  is 
a  policeman  who  states  that  on  the  way  to  the  police- 
station  the  accused  said  to  him,  "I  did  not  know  I 
had  been  married  a  second  time.  I  had  been  drunk 
for  a  fortnight,  and  I  did  not  have  the  banns  pub- 
lished. It  was  only  yesterday  I  found  out  that  I  had 
got  married  again  last  Thursday." 

The  Magistrate  to  the  Prisoner.  —  "What  have  you 
to  say  ? " 

Prisoner. — "Your  worship,  I  have  separated  from 
my  wife,  to  whom  I  allow  one  and  ninepence  a  week 
by  order  of  my  colonel  :  I  am  living  with  another 
woman.  The  other  day,  this  woman  threatened  to 
throw  all  my  clothes  out  in  the  street  if  I  did  not 
marry  her.  Then  we  had  something  to  drink  to- 
gether, and  it  seems  we  went  to  church  and  got 
married." 

I  read  in  a  case  of  the  same  kind  the  following 
statement  {Exeter  Western  JVews): — 

The  Judge  to  Witness.  —  "'  How  is  it  you  were  not 
ashamed  to  go  to  the  altar  with  a  drunken  man  ? " 

Witness. — "  Well !  my  lord,  if  he  hadn't  been  drunk, 
he  wouldn't  have  gone." 

I  know  a  worthy  Englishman  who,  not  long  ago, 
married  a  fourlh  wife,  of  whom  he  is  the  third  hus- 
band ;  he  is  but  sixty  years  old,  and  may  fairly  hope 
to  make  up  his  half  dozen. 

There  are  very  few  old  bachelors  in  England.    All 


Il6  JOHN   BULL   AND    HIS   ISLAND. 

the  men  marry  :  some  for  love,  some  for  money,  and 
some  from  a  sense  of  duty.  It  is  a  debt  they  owe  to 
society.  It  is  not  that  they  are  fond  of  women,  for, 
like  Solomon,  they  generally  abuse  them.  Women 
will  never  forgive  the  magnificent  Hebrew  monarch 
for  having  spoken  ill  of  their  sex,  after  having  mar- 
ried seven  hundred  of  them,  and  even  added  to  that 
number  three  hundred  concubines.  Men,  on  the 
contrary,  consider  that,  having  had  so  much  experi- 
ence, he  ought  to  be  the  best  authority  on  the  subject. 

A  woman  alone  is  safer  in  the  streets  of  London 
than  an  unprotected  male.  A  woman  risks  having 
her  purse  stolen  ;  a  man  risks  more  :  he  risks  his 
reputation.  He  may  be  stopped  by  a  woman  who 
will  say  to  him  in  an  indignant  tone :  "  Give  me  five 
sliillings,  or  I  will  call  a  policeman.  You  have  in- 
sulted me!"  Or,  it  may  be,  a  young  girl,  often  a 
little  girl,  who  will  come  up  to  you  and  politely  ask 
you  to  tell  her  the  time.  Without  suspecting  harm, 
you  take  out  your  watch  and  you  are  immediately 
surrounded  by  several  individuals  who  rob  you,  or 
accuse  you  of  having  insulted  the  girl.  Dreading 
a  scandal,  you  pay  rather  than  be  dragged  into  an 
unpleasant  affair.  There  exist  thousands  of  people 
who  live  by  this  kind  of  highway  robbery  ;  who  are 
always  on  the  watch  for  persons  whose  respectable 
appearance  seems  to  mark  them  as  easy  victims  of 
such  infernal  machinations.  I  know  few  men  in 
London  to  whom  this  kind  of  adventure  has  not 
happened  once  at  least.  The  parks  and  the  Thames 
Embankment  especially  are  places  that  every  man 
who  values  his  honour  should  carefully  avoid,  even 


JOHN   BULL   AND    HIS   ISLAND.  II7 

in  broad  daylight.  Never  sit  down  alone  ou(,  of 
doors  ;  never  speak  to  a  child  of  the  lower  class  ; 
and,  if  ever  you  should  fall  into  a  trap  of  the  kind, 
pay  on  the  spot ;  do  not  hesitate  an  instant,  for  the 
police  will  not  help  you  and  the  Police  Court  magis- 
trates, who  are  the  failures  of  the  English  Bar,  will 
simply  say  to  you  :  "  I  am  quite  willing  to  believe 
that  you  are  not  guilty,  but  what  did  you  go  into  a 
park  for?"  This  is  a  literal  quotation,  I  heard  it 
myself. 

The  Englishman  does  not  stroll  about.  When  his 
business  is  finished,  he  goes  home  at  a  brisk  pace, 
and  never  walks  out  in  the  evening.  At  nightfall, 
the  parks  and  unfrequented  places  are  entirely  given 
up  to  thieves  and  prostitutes,  and  the  police  take  no 
notice  of  it.  There  still  exist  in  London  large 
neighbourhoods  into  which  it  would  be  dangerous 
to  venture  even  at  mid-day,  unless  you  were  accom- 
panied b}'  detectives.  These  are  curious  sights  to 
be  seen  in  John  Bull's  capital,  and  the  Scotland 
Yard  authorities  will  always  obligingly  provide  you 
with  two  or  three  guides,  if  you  care  to  visit  them. 

If,  in  this  ants'  nest  of  nearly  five  millions  of  souls, 
Scotland  Yard  took  it  into  its  head  to  stamp  out  the 
dens  of  robbers,  the  number  of  policemen  would  have 
to  be  more  than  doubled.  It  is  preferred  to  trust  to 
the  good  sense,  wisdom,  and  economical  principles  of 
respectable  people,  who  already  find  the  taxes  quite 
heavy  enough,  and  prefer  to  avoid  risking  them- 
selves in  the  parks  and  other  public  resorts  set  aside 
as  hunting  ground  for  pickpockets  and  street  prosti- 
tutes. 


XVI. 

Decorations — Blue  and  Yellow  Ribbons — The  Army — That  which 
is  admirable  in  the  Plural  is  despicable  in  the  Singular — 
Uniforms — Volunteers. 

The  English  are  fond  of  laughing  at  the  great 
number  of  people  wearing  orders  that  are  to  be 
met  with  in  France.  It  is  a  fact  that  their  name  is 
legion.  The  red  ribbon  is  to  be  seen  occasionally  in 
London,  but  it  is  not  in  the  least  appreciated  :  those 
who  know  what  it  means  smile,  the  rest  take  this 
bawble  for  an  ornament  of  some  kind  or  a  peculiar 
whim.  The  Frenchmen,  living  in  England,  who 
have  decorations,  do  not  wear  them.  There  exists 
however  no  law  to  forbid  their  being  worn  ;  in  fact, 
in  England,  you  might  cover  your  breast  with  stars 
and  ribbons,  dress  yourself  as  a  Polish  General,  a 
Swiss  Admiral,  or  in  the  shortest  of  kilts,  no  one 
would  think  of  following  you  as  a  guy.  You  may 
make  yourself  ridiculous  if  you  like,  but  you  will 
have  no  law  to  fear  but  the  law  of  common  sense, 
no  judge  to  dread  but  public  opinion. 

The  subjects  of  Her  Britannic  Majesty  can  only 
accept  foreign  orders  by  permission  of  the  Queen, 
and,  with  the  exception  of  soldiers  in  uniform,  no 
one  wears  them  in  the  street.  As  to  English  orders, 
they  are  scarcely  ever  conferred  upon  any  one  out- 
side the  aristocracy,  the  army  and  the  diplomatic 


JOHN   BULL   AND    HIS   ISLAND.  I19 

circle.  Civil  servants,  learned  men,  writers,  and 
artists  scarcely  ever  get  them  ;  and,  with  the  excep- 
tion of  a  few  sovereigns  who  are  Knights  of  the 
Most  Noble  Order  of  the  Garter,  there  are  very  few 
foreigners  who  possess  English  decorations. 

When  I  say  that  there  are  no  decorations  to 
be  seen  in  England,  I  am  wrong.  More  than  six 
hundred  thousand  people,  men  and  women,  now 
wear  a  blue  ribbon  in  their  buttonhole.  Some  are 
drunkards,  who  have  pledged  themselves  to  ab- 
stain from  all  alcoholic  liquors,  and  others  are  good 
young  men  who  have  solemnly  promised  never  to 
drink  anything  intoxicating.  These  people  form 
the  Blue  Ribbon  Army.  In  England,  it  is  desirable 
to  be  virtuous,  if  you  can  ;  but  whether  you  are  or 
not,  it  is  indispensable  to  appear  so,  and  young 
Englishmen  of  the  middle  class,  young  clerks  and 
shopboys,  even  the  urchins  of  the  National  Schools, 
are  happy  to  have  an  occasion  to  stick  a  certificate 
of  virtue  in  their  buttonholes.  Advertisements 
such  as  the  following  are  to  be  seen  in  the  papers 
every  day  :  "  A  young  clerk  wanted  ;  a  good 
Christian  and  a  member  of  the  Blue  Ribbon  Army 
preferred."  So  the  number  of  blue  ribbons  increases 
every  day.  I  read  the  following  lines  in  one  of  the 
principal  newspapers :  "  A  new  league  against 
drunkenness  is  now  being  formed  in  London.  The 
members  pledge  themselves  to  drink  no  alcoholic 
liquors  except  at  meals.  Their  distinctive  badge 
will  be  a  yellow  ribbon."  If  these  set  themselves  up 
for  heroes,  I  should  like  to  know  what  airs  the  blue 
ribbon  folks  will  be  giving  themselves.  Whatever 
comes  of  it,  good  luck  to  the  yellow  ribbon  ! 


I20  JOHN   BULL   AND    HIS   ISLAND. 

England  is  a  martial  but  not  a  military  natioa 
Her  army  is  not  very  popular  at  home,  and  for  veiy 
good  reasons.  The  officers  are  gentlemen  and  well- 
educated  men,  but  the  private  soldiers  do  not  repre- 
sent the  English  people  in  the  least.  The  ranks  are 
composed  of  fine-looking  fellows  who  have  enlisted 
in  order  to  lead  an  easy  life,  and  wear  a  scarlet  uni- 
form that  will  make  them  the  darlings  of  the  sex 
who  will  look  at  no  other  man  while  they  are  near. 

The  love  of  John  Bull  for  his  soldiers  is  somewhat 
curious.  He  .gives  them  ovations,  showers  decora- 
tions on  their  heads  when  they  return  home  after 
rounding  off  his  estate  ;  but,  if  he  goes  to  a  public 
place  of  entertainment,  and  meets  a  soldier  there, 
away  he  hurries,  exclaiming :  "  This  place  is  not  re- 
spectable :  soldiers  are  admitted."  In  the  singular 
the  warrior  loses  all  his  prestige.  So  he  who  admires 
hair  in  the  mass  on  the  head  of  a  lovely  woman, 
would  make  a  wry  face  if  he  happened  upon  one  in 
his  soup,  even  though  it  had  strayed  from  the  tresses 
of  this  beloved  one. 

Uniforms,  so  popular  in  France,  are  scarcely  known 
in  England.  Prefects,  mayors,  engineers,  civil  ser- 
vants, government  clerks,  drivers,  conductors,  un- 
dertakers even,  all  have  their  unif(jrm.  Here,  unless 
you  go  to  soldiers'  barracks  or  to  a  review,  you  will 
always  see  officers  in  private  dress.  Only  non- 
commissioned officers  and  private  soldiers  go  about 
in  uniform,  and  even  they  are  forbidden  to  carry 
arms.  The  drivers  and  conductors  of  omnibuses  wear 
ordinary  hats  and  coats.  The  .workman  wears  nei- 
ther blouse  nor  cup,  the  uniform  of  o\xx proletaires  in 


JOHN   BULL   AND    HIS   ISLAND.  121 

town  and  country.  The  form  of  dress  is  the  same 
in  ail  classes  ;  it  is  only  from  the  degree  of  dirtiness 
of  an  Englishman's  coat  that  you  can  judge  to  which 
class  h-:  belongs. 

The  most  flourishing  business  in  the  poorer  neigh- 
bourhoods is  that  of  the  dealer  in  second-hand 
clothes.  The  rich  wear  their  clothes  for  a  week  or 
two,  then  give  them  to  their  servants,  who  wear  or 
sell  them.  After  these  coats,  hats,  and  shoes  have 
changed  hands  from  six  to  ten  times,  you  will  see 
them  upon  the  lower  working-classes,  who  wear  them 
until  they  fall  to  pieces.  If  I  were  not  afraid  of 
parodying  Figaro,  I  might  say  that  these  people  never 
quit  their  clothes — it  is  the  clothes  that  quit  them. 

Then  the  beggars  pick  them  up,  and  cover  their 
bodies  with  them  as  best  they  can.  Some  of  those 
befeathered  hats  might  inspire  a  lyric  poet  with  a 
modern  Odyssey.  It  is  a  spirit  of  independence 
and  equality  which,  badly  understood,  makes  the 
poor  copy  the  rich  in  their  dress.  It  is  likewise 
a  feeling  of  pride — well  understood,  I  think — which 
makes  the  working-classes  of  France  prefer  plain, 
but  new,  clothes. 

With  the  exception  of  the  boys  of  Christ's 
Hospital,  who  still  wear  the  same  costume  as  the 
students  in  Edward  VI. 's  time  (yellow  stockings 
and  dark  blue  cassock),  English  schoolboys  have 
no  uniform,  except  for  athletic  games,  when  it 
becomes  necessary  for  them  in  the  lists  to  be  dis- 
tinguished from  the  opponents  to  whom  they  have 
sent  a  challenge. 

Besides   the   regular  army,  the   reserves,  and  the 


122  JOHN   BULL   AND    HIS   ISLAND. 

militia,  Her  Majesty  could  rely  in  time  of  need 
upon  the  services  of  400,000  Volunteers,  These 
warriors — very  inoffensive,  I  may  venture  to  say — 
are  for  the  most  part  young  city  men  and  bankers' 
clerks,  happy  to  have  an  opportunity  of  leaving 
their  desks  two  or  three  times  a  year  to  go  and 
breathe  some  fresh  country  air.  They  can  never 
be  called  upon  to  serve  outside  the  territory  of  the 
British  Isles  ;  and  as,  in  England,  sunstrokes  are 
not  to  be  feared,  they  are  all  pretty  sure  to  end 
their  existence  comfortably  in  their  beds.  The  Life 
Insurance  companies  have  in  their  prospectuses  a 
paragraph  concerning  them  which  I  think  a  little 
bit  sarcastic  : — "The  premium  of  insurance  is  fixed  at 
so  much.  This  premium  does  not  apply  to  military 
men,  sailors,  or  any  person  Avhose  occupation  places 
his  or  her  life  in  danger.  Volimteers  pay  the  ordinary^ 
premium," 


XVII. 

The  English  and  French  Languages — Mutual   Loans — Unmention- 
ables— English  Schoolboys. 

The  English  do  not  speak  foreign  languages  flu- 
ently :  but  the  fault  lies  with  themselves. 

Their  dignity  is  the  object  of  their  constant  care. 
Ever  fearful  of  compromising  it,  they  will  not  place 
themselves  at  a  disadvantage  by  speaking  a  foreign 
language,  when  there  is  chance  to  speak  their  own. 
I  know  a  great  many  Englishmen  who  speak 
French  exceedingly  well,  but  who  infinitely  prefer 
speaking  English,  even  with  French  people,  who 
murder  their  language.  They  have  an  idea  that 
a  man  is  always  more  or  less  ridiculous  when  he 
is  speaking  a  language  not  his  own  ....  and 
they  naturally  prefer  that   that  man  should  he  you. 

It  is  useless  to  tell  them:  "Go  on  ;  do  not  be 
afraid.  What  can  it  matter  to  you  that  people 
should  discover  your  nationality,  when  you  speak 
French  ?  You  are  English,  and  you  are  right  to 
be  proud  of  it;  why  fear  to  let  it  be  seen?"  A 
celebrated  man  has  said:  "Never  place  your 
confidence  in  an  Englishman  who  speaks  French 
without  an  accent."  This  celebrated  man  is  no  less 
a  person  than  Prince  Von  Bismarck. 

On    the  other  hand,   an   Englishman  knows  verjr 


124  JOHN    BULL   AND    HIS   ISLAND. 

well  that  go  where  he  will,  he  is  sure  to  find  a 
Hotel  (T Angletcrre  or  an  Hotel  de  Londres,  and,  if 
his  purse  will  allow  of  it,  he  will  take  care  not 
to  put  up  at  any  other.  If  he  has  to  work  for  his 
living,  he  knows  that  the  English  language  will  be 
quite  sufficient  for  him,  in  England  or  in  the 
colonies.  For  that  matter  this  is  a  sentiment  shared 
by  his  neighbours  across  the  Channel.  In  every 
country  that  is  capable  of  providing  for  its  children, 
you  see  a  certain  amount  of  indifference  regarding 
the  study  of  foreign  languages.  It  is  not  so  in 
Germany,  and  some  other  countries,  where  a 
knowledge  of  French  and  English  is  necessary  to 
those  who  would  earn  their  living.  I  do  not  speak 
of  Switzerland,  which  has  two  maternal  languages. 
It  is  difficult  to  persuade  an  Englishman  that  it  is 
something  more  than  a  mere  accomplishment  that 
he  is  acquiring  when  he  studies  a  foreign  language. 
It  must  be  admitted,  too,  that  he  has  natural  diffi- 
culties to  contend  with.  French  vowels  are  bold 
and  well  marked  ;  English  ones  are  uncertain.  The 
Englishman  never  lays  stress  enough  upon  our 
:onics  ;  he  will  always  pronounce  our  word  plahir 
more  or  less  like  plaisiar.  In  school,  he  is  not  taught 
to  speak  French  ;  he  is  made  to  translate  Tele'- 
maque,  the  works  of  Rollin  and  Barthelemy,  or 
those  famous  selections  of  Contes  a  dormir  debout, 
such  as  have  almost  driven  mad  generations  of  pro- 
fessors and  pupils  in  French  schools.  He  is  likewise 
made  to  read  the  Roman  de  la  Rose,  nay,  even  the 
Cha?ison  de  Roland ;  but  if  you  asked  an  English 
schoolboy  to  give  you  the  French  for  "  How  do 
you  do?"  you  would  greatly  puzzle  him. 


JOHN    BULL   AND   HIS   ISLAND.  125 

Almost  all  the  young  girls  speak  French  passably 
when  they  leave  their  schools,  where  resident  French 
governesses  speak  their  language  to  them  all  day 
long.  Besides,  in  the  Englishwoman,  as  in  the 
woman  of  every  known  country  of  the  globe,  the 
hypoglossis  is  more  pliant  than  in  man  ;  it  is  a  more 
powerful  and  better  perfected  mechanism.  Man 
will  never  be  able  to  compete  with  woman  in  the 
study  of  tongues. 

I  once  remarked  to  the  head-master  of  a  large 
school,  speaking  of  one  of  his  pupils  :  "  You  have  a 
boy  there  that  ought  to  speak  French  very  well,  if 
he  will  but  take  the  trouble  :  his  pronunciation  is 
capital."  "  Oh  !  I  do  not  doubt  it,"  he  replied  ;  "  he 
is  full  of  affectation." 

In  France,  we  call  every  man  mofisieur,  no  matter 
what  his  nationality  may  be.  Not  so  the  English- 
man ;  he  does  not  apply  his  word  mister  to  strangers  ; 
he  believes  he  does  honour  to  the  French,  the  Ger- 
mans, and  the  Italians,  by  giving  them  the  titles  of 
monsieur,  /lerr,  signor.  In  an  account  of  a  concert 
you  will  read  such  paragraphs  as  the  following  :  "The 
trio  was  admirably  played  by  Herr  Joachim,  Signor 
Piatti,  and  Monsieur  d'Almaine." 

Monsieur  is  a  word  that  the  English  invariably 
pronounce  very  badly,  in  spite  of  constant  efforts, 
for  which  they  deserve  credit.  In  England,  you  will 
always  hear  yourself  called  inossoo,  niossiay,  i?:ochoo, 
mochiay,  or  mounzier,  and  you  should  take  it  as  a  com- 
pliment, because  it  is  really  intended  as  such  by 
John  :  monsieur  is  but  a  corruption  of  monseigneur ; 
so,  you  see,  it  is  almost  as  if  he  called  you  my  lord. 


126  JOHN   BULL   AND   HIS   ISLAND. 

The  English  language  is  constantly  getting  en- 
riched with  French  words.  Ought  I  really  to  say 
airichcd?  It  seems  to  me  that,  on  the  contrary,  a 
language  is  impoverished  by  borrowing,  not  words 
alone,  but  whole  phrases  from  a  foreign  one. 

Neologism  has  invaded  literature,  journalism,  and 
conversation.  In  certain  novels  this  craze  is  carried 
to  a  ridiculous  point.  In  the  last  century,  after  the 
victories  of  Blenheim  and  Malplaquet,  Addison  lifted 
his  voice  against  this  irruption  of  French  words,  and 
asked  that  the  law  should  interdict  the  use  of  them. 
Purists  begin  to  be  once  more  alarmed. 

In  France,  during  the  past  century,  it  is  true  we 
have  borrowed  some  words  applying  to  political 
economy,  sport,  manufacture,  and  navigation  es- 
pecially ;  but  they  are  only  words,  and  words  of 
which  the  greater  number  had  previously  been  bor- 
rowed of  us  by  our  neighbours,  such  as  budget,  tun- 
nel, jockey,  jury,  fashion,  &c.,  that  the  English  had 
themselves  made  out  of  bougctte,  tonnel  {tonneau),  Jac- 
guet,  juri,  fa^on,  &c. 

The  English  language  of  the  present  day  borrows 
entire  phrases  from  our  own  :  a  outrance,  par  excel- 
lence, hors  de  combat,  and  hundreds  of  others. 

French  fashions  have  quite  taken  root  over  here, 
and  have  brought  a  vocabulary  of  their  own  with 
them.  Besides,  Englishwomen,  who  are  much  more 
easily  shocked  by  the  name  of  a  thing  than  by  the 
tiling  itself,  have  been  very  happy  in  avoiding  the 
English  names  of  certain  more  or  less  unmentiona- 
ble parts  of  their  dress.  The  words  chemise,  corset^ 
corsage,  veste,  tournurc,  &c.,  are  all  Englisli  words  now. 
Indispensable  pieces  of  bed-room  furniture  are  aU 


JOHN    BULL   AND    HIS   ISLAND.  I27 

called  by  their  French  names.  These  foreign  words 
just  suit  the  euphemistic  character  of  the  English 
language,  which  always  expresses  less  than  it  leaves 
to  be  guessed ;  which  employs  undecided  words, 
and  always  beats  about  the  bush. 

A  French  schoolboy  who  has  not  prepared  his 
lessons,  will  say  to  his  master  :  "  I  have  not  done 
my  lessons,  sir."  To  appease  the  master's  wrath, 
he  may  shed  one  or  two  crocodile's  tears  ;  the  young 
English  schoolboy  will  employ  circumlocution. 
"  Please,  sir,  I  am  afraid  I  have  not  learnt  my  les- 
son," or,  "I  don't  think  I  have  learnt  my  lesson;" 
he  is  seldom  very  sure.  If  he  is  quite  certain,  and 
has  a  valid  excuse,  he  has  more  assurance.  "  Please, 
sir,"  said  a  little  fellow  to  a  professor  of  my  acquain- 
tance one  day,  "  I  have  not  prepared  my  translation  ; 
Grandmamma  died  last  night."  "Well,  I  suppose 
you  must  be  excused  this  time,  but  tell  your  grand- 
mother not  to  let  it  happen  again,"  replied  the  mas- 
ter. Another  time  an  exercise  full  of  barbarisms 
and  solecisms  was  presented.  "  The  work  you  have 
brought  me  this  morning  is  shameful,"  said  my 
friend.  "It  isn't  my  fault,  sir;  papa  always  will 
help  me,"  pleaded  the  pupil. 

One  of  the  most  eminent  professors  of  French  in 
England  told  me  one  day  that  there  is  a  certain 
class  of  students  incapable  of  learning  our  language. 
They  are  the  sneaks,  the  tartufes,  the  children  of 
puritan  people,  who  at  home  never  speak  above  a 
whisper.  Our  language,  so  frank  and  outspoken  in 
tone  as  well  as  expression,  sticks  in  their  throats, 
and  will  not  pass  those  teeth  that  are  never  unclosed, 
or  those  lips  that  open  with  difficulty  :  undecided, 


128  JOHN   BULL   AND    HIS   ISLAND. 

vague,  sticky  phrases  suit  them  best :  phrases  such 
as  only  the  English  language  admits.  "When  I  am 
going  to  examine  a  class,"  he  said  to  me,  "  I  run  my 
eyes  along  over  the  pupils'  faces  and  discover  at  a 
glance  those  that  will  give  me  good  answers — those 
who  will  reply  in  French  if  ^_  ask  them  ;  they  have 
good  open  faces  that  do  not  shun  your  gaze.  Those 
that  look  askance,  squinting  and  looking  ill  at  ease, 
you  will  get  no  French  out  of,  take  it  for  granted." 

The  English  language  is  composed  of  about  43,- 
000  words,  of  which  29,000  are  of  Latin  origin  and 
14,000  of  Teutonic  extraction.  The  greater  part  of 
the  Latin  ones  passed  into  the  English  language 
through  the  Norman  dialect.  This  being  so,  the 
French  language  ought  to  be  easier  for  the  English 
than  for  the  Germans  ;  yet  the  latter  speak  it  much 
better  than  they. 

An  impetus  should  be  given  to  the  improvement 
of  the  teaching  of  French  in  England.  The  two 
most  free  and  intelligent  nations  in  the  world,  al- 
ready united  by  so  many  links  of  race  and  language, 
ought  to  understand  and  study  each  other  better. 
It  may  fairly  be  hoped  that  these  two  nations,  who 
already  respect  each  other,  will,  at  no  distant  future, 
change  that  respect  into  a  love  to  be  shaken  by  no 
calumny,  by  no  earthly  power. 


XVIII. 

The  French  Colony — French  Societies. 

There  are  about  thirty  thousand  P'rench  people  es- 
tablished in  England,  and  the  number  is  increasing 
every  day. 

Twenty  years  ago— not  more — our  compatriots 
living  in  this  great  city  knew  little  or  nothing  of 
one  another. 

It  was  sufficient  to  announce  yourself  as  French 
to  have  the  door  of  the  French  Embassy  closed  in 
your  face. 

Every  man  is  more  or  less  wary  in  a  foreign  land. 
When  he  is  on  the  Continent,  the  Englishman  shuns 
his  compatriots  ;  at  least  he  does  not  seek  their  ac- 
quaintance. "Who  are  they  at  home? "he  says  to 
himself. 

This  feeling  no  longer  exists  in  London  among  the 
French  colony,  now  large,  industrious,  compact,  and 
united. 

Besides  the  French  Benevolent  Society,  the  French 
Hospital,  and  several  associations  of  more  or  less 
importance,  in  1880  there  was  founded  in  London  a 
French  National  Society,  reckoning  at  the  present 
time  nearly  a  thousand  members. 

I  extract  the  following  from  its  statutes  : — 

*' The  growing  importance  of  the  French  colony 
9 


130  JOHN   BULL   AND    HIS    ISLAND. 

in  London,  the  large  interests  represented  by  it,  have 
created  the  desire  for  an  organisation  capable  of 
uniting  its  various  elements  and  binding  them  to- 
gether into  a  compact  whole,  and  of  keeping  alive 
among  its  members  the  exalted  sentiments  of  patriot- 
ism and  humanity. 

"  I.  A  society  for  the  benefit  of  the  French  resid- 
ing in  England  has  been  formed  and  denominated 
the  '  Societe  Nationale  Francaise.' 

"  II.  Its  special  aim  is  to  create  relations  of  esteem 
and  friendship  among  its  members  by  giving  them 
facilities  for  becoming  known  to  each  other  ;  and  its 
general  aim  is  to  defend  the  interest  of  the  colony 
and  to  study  philosophical  and  moral  questions. 

"III.  In  order  to  facilitate  intercourse  between 
those  members  whose  tastes  or  occupations  are  simi- 
lar, three  sections  have  been  formed  : — 

"  I.  A  commercial  section  for  the  study  of  com- 
mercial questions. 

"  2.  A  scientific  and  literary  section  for  the  study 
of  the  progress  of  science  and  literature. 

"  3.  An  artistic  section  concerning  itself  with  the 
fine  arts,  and  able  to  give  a  special  attraction  to  the 
general  meetings  of  the  society  by  the  help  of  the 
talent  which  some  of  its  members  may  possess." 

This  society  is  destined  to  render  very  great  ser- 
vice. What  cannot  be  done  individually  can  be  done 
collectively. 

Material  interests  will  not  be  the  only  ones  pro- 
tected by  this  association.  The  French  National 
Society  will  keep  alive  in  the  hearts  of  all  its  mem- 
bers the  love  and  remembrance  of  the  mother-coun- 
try, too  soon  forgotten  in  this  land  where  every  one 


JOHN   BULL   AND    HIS   ISLAND.  131 

lives  for  himself  and  to  himself.  The  French  Na- 
tional Society  gives  frequent  entertainments,  some- 
times a  ball,  at  other  times  a  concert  or  a  dramatic 
performance.  These  social  gatherings  make  those 
who  join  in  them  forget  that  they  are  in  exile,  an 
exile  none  the  less  sad  for  being  voluntary.  They 
are  in  France  once  more  in  the  spirit. 

Let  us  hope,  however,  tliat  they  will  not  be  too 
exclusive,  but  that  they  will  continue  to  study  our 
good  neighbours,  the  English.  Many  French  people 
in  England  carry  their  horror  of  everything  English 
to  a  ridiculous  extent.  I  know  one  who  has  lived 
nearly  twenty  years  in  this  country,  but  who  boasts 
of  not  knowing  a  word  of  English.  I  know  others 
who,  on  the  contrary,  delight  in  disparaging  our  dear 
country  whenever  they  have  an  occasion  ;  wlio  have 
altered  their  names  to  make  them  appear  more  Eng- 
lish, and  whose  only  regret  is  that  they  have  not  red 
whiskers. 

Both  courses  arc  equally  to  be  avoided. 

The  mission  of  the  French  who  live  in  England  is 
a  double  one  :  it  should  be  theirs  to  make  France 
known  to  the  English,  who,  with  the  exception  of 
some  who  travel,  know  it  not ;  they  have  also  to  make 
us  better  acquainted  with  England,  hitherto  a  closed 
letter  for  us. 

Now,  listen  well  :  I  will  tell  you  what  the  Standard 
Geographies  teach  English  boys  and  girls  about  us. 

France  {Character'). — "  In  France,  the  tradesmen 
leave  the  management  of  their  business  to  their 
wives,  while  they  themselves  are  at  cafes,  prome- 
nades, or  other  places  of  amusement.  .  .  ."  "  Licen- 
tiousness is  a  prominent  characteristic  of  the  nation. 


132  JOHN   BULL   AND    HIS   ISLAND. 

Every  third  mother  is  unmarried,  and  every  third 
child  has  a  stain  on  his  birth."  * 

Upon  the  principle  that  everything  which  is 
printed  must  be  true,  children  swallow  all  these  in- 
congruities like  so  much  gospel  ;  it  is  with  such 
materials  that  their  heads  are  stuffed.  This  is  the 
result :  I  extracted  the  following  from  the  essay  of 
a  National  School  child,  which  an  examiner  had  the 
indiscretion  to  show  me.  I  keep  the  style  intact  • 
"  English  trade  is  honest,  but  French  is  far  from 
being  so.  .  .  .  The  depredations  committed  every 
night  on  our  coasts  by  French  corsairs  compel  us 
to  keep,  at  a  great  expense,  a  whole  army  of  coast- 
guards." 

We  are  not  much  farther  advanced  in  France.  A 
compatriot,  to  whom  I  had  spoken  of  a  young  Eng- 
lish aristocrat  who  was  going  to  settle  in  Australia, 
wrote  to  me  one  day  :  "What?  he  is  going  to  settle 
in  Australia!  Can  it  be  possible?  Going  to  live 
with  savages  ! " 

M.  Blanchard  de  Farges,  French  Consul-General 
in  London,  in  a  very  clever  speech  that  he  made  at 
the  Congress  of  French  teachers,  held  in  the  month 
of  January,  1883,  expressed  himself  in  these  terms  ; 

*  This  quotation,  I  will  admit,  must  have  taken  away  the  breath 
of  many  an  English  reader  of  my  book.  I  think,  however,  that  two 
Englisli  papers,  including  the  Daily  News,  might  as  well  have  Daken 
it  for  granted  tliat  I  was  giving  a  faithful  quotation,  instead  of  in- 
sinuating that  it  was  more  or  less  a  fabrication  of  my  brain.  The 
first  part  of  the  quotation  is  to  be  found  in  Cornwall's  Geography, 
and  the  second  in  Mackay's.  These  books  have  run  through  over 
a  hundred  editions,  and  are  in  use  everywhere.  I  feel  convinced 
that,  in  exposing  such  vile  teaching,  I  shall  have  every  fair  and 
right-minded  Englishman  on  my  side. — Max  O'Rell. 


JOHN   BULL   AND    HIS   ISLAND.  I33 

"Gentlemen,  I  will  not  allow  myself  to  be  drawn 
into  the  subject  of  politics,"  which  would  be  out  of 
place  here,  and  which  are  neither  to  my  taste,  nor 
exactly  within  my  province  ;  but  I  will  say,  or, 
rather,  I  will  repeat,  without  quitting  my  own  de- 
Dartment,  that  if  we  knew  all  our  European  neigh- 
bours as  well  as  we  are  known  to  them,  we  should 
spare  ourselves  many  disappointments,  or,  at  least, 
many  a  false  step.  It  is  a  fact  of  which  I  receive 
ample  proof  every  day,  and,  if  it  will  not  be  tres- 
passing upon  your  time,  I  will,  with  your  permis- 
sion, explain  my  meaning. 

"Gentlemen,  every  French  mail  brings  me  dozens 
of  business  letters.  These  letters  sometimes  drive 
me  to  despair,  because,  though  I  have  every  desire 
to  give  satisfaction  to  their  authors,  they  themselves 
put  it  out  of  my  power  to  do  so  by  calling  upon  me 
to  perform  impossibilities,  which  prove  on  the  part 
of  most  of  them  an  utter  ignorance  of  England,  her 
institutions,  and  customs.  Some  ask  me  to  use  my 
private  authority,  and  take  vigorous  proceedings 
against  a  defaulting  debtor  or  a  swindler  ;  others 
call  upon  me  to  restore  a  missing  wife,  husband, 
daughter  or  son,  just  as  if  I  had  a  brigade  of  police- 
men at  hand  to  collar  them,  and  put  them  on  board 
the  French  boat  by  force,  without  any  more  ado. 
The  greater  number  set  me  the  task  of  finding  out^ 
in  this  great  maze  that  we  live  in,  a  certrjn  person 
whose  name  they  are  kind  enough  to  give  me.  In 
this  way,  a  provincial  town  councillor  appealed  to  - 
me  a  short  while  ago,  to  inform  him  what  had  be- 
come of  a  certain  Miss  Gordon  of  the  United-King- 
dom,  whom    he   had   had   the  extreme   pleasure  of 


134  JOHN   BULL   AND    HIS   ISLAND. 

meeting  at  the  seaside.  In  the  same  manner,  a 
worthy  family  lately  asked  me  to  give  them  some 
news  of  amissing  member  who,  said  they,  "  had  en- 
listed in  my  army,  and  was  serving  in  the  colonies 
n.e-irlandaises. " 

The  French  National  Society  has  given  rise  to 
another  Society  no  less  useful  ;  I  mean  the  National 
Society  of  French  teachers  in  England.  The  pro- 
fessors of  French  language  and  literature  in  the 
Universities  and  great  Public  Schools  are  men  of 
high  attainments ;  but  outside  these  great  institu- 
tions are  to  be  found  numbers  of  talented  teachers, 
who,  through  not  occupying  positions  that  bring 
them  into  notice,  have  the  mortification  of  seeing 
themselves  confounded  with  hundreds  of  impostors 
of  all  nations,  not  excepting  France,  who  call  them- 
selves teachers  of  French. 

A  clever  young  professor  in  London  had  the  happy 
and  patriotic  idea  of  grouping  together  all  the  French 
teachers  really  worthy  of  the  name,  and  of  forming 
an  association  having  for  aim,  .firstly,  to  develop  and 
improve  the  teaching  of  French,  and  to  spread  a 
knowledge  of  the  language  in  England  :  and  secondly, 
to  establish  a  fund  for  providing  aged  and  infirm 
members  with  pecuniary  assistance  and  pensions. 
Our  great  Victor  Hugo  is  Honorary  President  of  this 
young  Society,  and  the  names  of  our  savants  and 
most  illustrious  literary  men  are  to  be  found  on  the 
list  of  its  Honorary  Committee.  An  English  Hon- 
orary  Committee  is  in  process  of  formation,  and 
everything  seems  to  promise  a  brilliant  future  for 
this  interesting  association. 


JOHN    BULL   AND    HIS   ISLAND.  135 

Although  all  the  needs  of  the  French  colony  would 
appear  at  first  sight  to  be  satisfied,  there  is  still  an- 
other which  makes  itself  felt  :  it  is  the  want  of  a 
French  lyce'e.  Our  compatriots  in  London  are  ob- 
liged to  send  their  children  to  English  schools.  Many 
of  them  have  married  English  women,  and  the  hy- 
brid issue  of  these  marriages  is  all  but  lost  to  France, 
and  even  incapable  for  the  most  part  of  speaking 
French.  Parents  begin  to  feel  concerned  about  this 
state  of  things,  and  think  that  a  lyce'e,  combining  the 
advantages  of  a  French  education  and  English  train- 
ing, would  respond  to  a  need  which  is  felt  more  and 
more  every  day. 

In  short,  confidence  is  restored,  patriotism  has 
shaken  off  its  lethargy,  and  the  French  Colony  in 
England,  which  increases  every  year  in  number  and 
importance,  will  ere  long  be  a  little  power  capable 
of  playing  a  part  of  the  first  order,  to  the  profit  of 
both  France  and  England. 


XIX. 

The  Theatre  of  Shakespeare's  Countiy  in  the  Nineteenth  Century-"^ 
Dniry  Lane— Surrey  Theatre — John  Shaw  and  eleven  French- 
men at  Waterloo — Lyceum  Theatre — Madame  Modjeska  and 
Madame  Sarah  Bernhardt — Mrs.  Langtry  and  the  Yankees. 

The  theatre  of  England  has  fallen  during  the  nine- 
teenth century  as  low  as  it  was  possible  for  it  to  fall. 
How  is  this  to  be  accounted  for  in  a  country  that 
has  produced  a  Shakespeare,  and  which  boasts  such 
a  galaxy  of  good  poets  and  novelists  ? 

The  fault  lies  a  little  with  the  audience,  who,  if 
they  are  judges  of  dramatic  art,  do  not  show  it  in 
public.  It  would  be  bad  form  to  applaud  in  a  the- 
atre, and  worse  still  to  hiss.  I  have  heard  actors 
sing  horribly  out  of  tune  without  a  murmiu-  being 
raised  by  the  audience.  John  Bull  pities  the  poor 
artiste  who  endeavours  to  amuse  him,  but  fails  in 
his  efforts  ,  and,  being  of  a  magnanimous  turn  of 
mind,  he  forgives  him. 

He  does  not  identify  himself  with  the  action  of  the 
play  .-  he  does  not  forget  that  it  is  but  a  play.  The 
actor  who  sings  with  taste,  and  throws  himself  with 
passion  into  his  part,  appears  to  him  supremely 
ridiculous.  He  regards  him  as  a  poor  mountebank 
who  has  to  earn  a  living  and 

"...  pour  le  servir,  abjure  son  cosur  cThomme." 


JOHN   BULL   AND    HIS   ISLAND.  1 3/ 

In  Italy,  I  have  known  an  audience  correct  a  tenor, 
and  give  him  tiie  riglit  note  when  he  sang  flat. 

The  English  lower  classes  know  nothing  of  the 
theatre,  and  never  go  to  the  play.  In  this  country, 
you  do  not  hear  workmen  singing  or  whistling  airs 
from  the  operas,  as  do  our  workmen,  who  all  have 
their  favourite  actors  on  the  Boulevards.  The  lower 
orders  work,  spend  their  money  in  beer  and  gin,  and 
die  in  the  workhouse  or  the  gutter,  without  ever 
having  dreamed  of  the  existence  of  art.  The  middle 
classes  have  no  taste  for  the  theatre,  and  the  aristo- 
cracy only  go  to  kill  an  evening  and  yawn  their 
lieads  off.     Intelligent  people  stay  at  home. 

Besides,  theatres  are  private  enterprises,  and  re- 
ceive no  subvention  from  the  State.  The  proprietor, 
who  is  generally  the  principal  actor  of  the  company, 
receives  little  or  no  support  from  the  others.  Even 
in  the  best  theatres  the  two  principal  characters  are 
good  or  passable  ;  the  rest  are  worthless.  There  is 
no  school  of  declamation,  nothing  corresponding  to 
our  Conservatoire.  An  actor  in  this  country  serves 
his  apprenticeship  before  an  uncomplaining  public. 

The  result  of  all  this  is  that  literary  celebrities  do 
not  seek  to  be  famous  as  playwrights.  Alfred 
Tennyson,  the  English  poet-laiireate,  has  written  a 
drama  and  two  comedies,  but  they  only  met  with  a 
siicces  d'estime. 

Actors  know  best  what  the  public  like.  They 
generally  give  them  plays  of  their  own  manufacture, 
which  are  for  the  most  part  translations  of  French 
ones.  All  our  plays  reappear  here  mutilated  ;  and 
in  what  a  state,  to  be  sure  !  Adapted  from  the  French 
to  suit  English  taste  !  What  taste  !  What  adaptations  .' 


138  JOHN   BULL   AND    HIS   ISLAND. 

Some  are  original.  Would  you  like  to  see  with 
what  sort  of  bait  John  Bull  is  caught  ?  I  extract 
from  the  newspapers  of  the  month  of  October,  1882, 
the  following  Drury  Lane  advertisement.  The  name 
of  the  play  is  "  Pluck  "  :— 

"69TH  Performance  of  Pluck, 

"Pluck — Genuine  Fun. 
"  Pluck — Thrilling  Scenes. 
"  Pluck — Loudest  Joy. 
**  Pluck — Saddest  Grief. 
"  Pluck — ever  witnessed. 
"  Pluck — in  three  hours. 

"69TH  Performance  of  Pluck. 

"  Return  of  Augustus  Harris,   the  greatest  Actor 

— Author — Manager,  since  the  days  of 

David  Garrick. 

"69TH  Performance  of  Pluck. 

"  Gigantic  Success. 

"One  hundred  thunders  of  applause. 

"Two  hundred  roars  of  laughter. 

"Marvellous  effects. 

"  The  greatest  success  of  the  season." 

All  this  is  literal.  It  is  not  all  either.  This  gentle- 
man thus  appeals  through  the  papers  to  the  British 
public,  whom  he  caters  for,  and  has  taken  the  meas- 
ure of,  I  must  say  ;  "  Let  every  man — good  or  wicked, 
every  woman— virtuous  or  otherwise,  fallen  even, 
come  and  see  my  play.  Instead  of  following  in  the 
steps  of  those  who  have  made  thieves  and  cut-throats 
sentimental  heroes  who  die  '  babbling  of  green  fields,' 


JOHN   BULL   AND    HIS   ISLAND.  1 39 

I  have  shown  how,  even  in  this  world,  crime,  treach- 
ery, and  falsehood,  although  triumphant  for  a  time, 
must  in  the  long  run  liave  their  day  of  reckoning. 
I  shall  endeavour  in  the  future,  as  I  have  in  the 
past,  to  prove  worthy  of  the  great  trust  and  respon- 
sibility reposed  by  you  in  me.  Under  my  direction, 
Drury  Lane  Theatre,  the  National  Theatre  par  ex- 
cellence, will  ever  be  a  school  of  morality." 

All  this  beats  Eno's  Fruit  Salt. 

In  this  single  play,  there  are  besides  assassinations 
and  robberies,  a  railway  accident,  a  fire,  a  storm, 
and  the  sacking  of  a  bank,  the  windows  of  which 
are  smashed  to  atoms. 

Good  Mr.  Augustus  !     Lucky  spectators  ! 

Is  it  not  sickening  ? 

I  will  content  myself  with  giving  you  one  more 
of  the  kind  :  it  is  the  advertisement  of  the  Surrey 
Theatre,  a  second-class  house. 

"  Surrey  Theatre. — Seven  acts  of  realism. — Five 
thousand  persons  had  to  be  refused  admittance  on 
Saturday  last;  the  omnibuses  had  to  stop  on  account 
of  the  vast  multitudk  that  were  turned  away.  Those 
who  were  fortunate  enough  to  obtain  seats,  gazed  in 
breathless  excitement  at  unparalleled  scenes.  Horror 
and  delioiht  were  alternatelv  written  on  their  coun- 
tenances.  Never  was  virtue  more  triumphant,  never 
was  vice  more  confounded  than  in  this  vast  theatre." 

A  little  farther  on  you  read  :  "The  most  inhuman, 
simious,  horrible,  blood-curdling,  terrible,  savage, 
weird,  fantastic,    human,   unearthly,  fiendish,   fasci- 


I40  JOHN    BULL   AND   HIS   ISLAND. 

nating,  repulsive,  and  attractive  play,  ever  produced 
or  ever  imagined. — To  commence  at  half-past  seven 
precisely." 

In  a  grand  spectacular  play  entitled  *'  Waterloo''' 
I  saw  the  famous  John  Shaw  killing  his  eleven 
Frenchmen.  The  complaisance  with  which  those 
eleven  unhappy  lancers  advanced  one  after  another 
to  be  exterminated  by  the  terrible  Life-guardsman 
deserved  a  better  reward. 

However,  there  are  some  serious  theatres  in 
London.  During  the  season,  that  is  to  say  from 
April  to  August,  the  best  musical  talent  in  the 
world  is  to  be  heard  in  Covent  Garden  and  Drury 
Lane,  where  the  works  of  the  greatest  composers  of 
foreign  opera  are  given. 

The  only  English  theatre  really  worthy  of  note  is 
the  Lyceum.  Mr.  Henry  Irving  is  a  talented  actor, 
who  studies  his  parts  conscientiously.  He  is  very 
good  in  drama,  and,  though  the  English  Press  have 
been  rather  severe  at  times  in  their  ci'iticisms  of 
his  Shakespearean  impersonations,  he  must  never- 
theless be  acknowledged  to  hold  the  first  place  upon 
the  English  stage,  and  to  be  the  only  successor  of 
Garrick,  Kean,  Kemble  and  Macreadv. 

In  England,  there  is  no  national  theatre  corre- 
sponding to  our  Thedtre-Fran^ais ;  nor  is  the  want 
of  such  a  house  felt.  Shakespeare's  plays  are  the 
only  ones  that  would  be  available  for  its  repertory. 
The  theatre  of  the  Restoration  is  coarse,  and  most 
plays  written  by  the  dramatists  of  that  time  are 
founded  upon  comedies  of  Moliere  :  Wycherley, 
Congrevc,  and   P^arquhar  only  wrote  for  the  licen- 


JOHN   BULL   AND   HIS    ISLAND.  141 

tious  mistresses  of  Charles  II.,  and  the  people  of 
the  nineteenth  century,  still  so  puritan,  would  have 
to  stop  their  ears. 

Sheridan,  it  is  true,  wrote  two  remarkable  come- 
dies :  "  The  School  for  Scandal"  and  "  The  Rivals ;" 
but  no  more. 

It  is  a  strange  and  remarkable  fact,  even  for  this 
country  of  contrasts,  to  have  produced  a  Shake- 
speare and  to  have  the  national  repertory  begin  and 
end  with  his  creations  :  Shakespeare,  the  king  of 
poets,  inimitable,  unapproachable,  a  sort  of  demi- 
god— and  after  him  utter  sterility  !  "  Indian  Empire, 
or  no  Indian  Empire,"  says  Carlyle,  "we  cannot 
do  without  Shakespeare  !  Indian  Empire  will  go, 
at  any  rate  some  day  ;  but  this  Shakespeare  does  not 
go  ;  he  lasts  for  ever  with  us  ;  we  cannot  give  up 
our  Shakespeare." 

For  tlie  past  three  years,  our  excellent  actors  of 
the  Come'die  Fran^aise  have  given  performances  at 
the  Gaiety  Tlieatre  during  the  month  of  June. 

Society  flocks  to  hear  them.  It  is  very  much  to 
be  doubted  v.-hether  John  Bull  is  capable  of  appre- 
ciating our  Coquelin.  But  that  does  not  matter 
at  all.  When  John  has  paid  his  guinea,  he  enjoys 
himself,  even  if  he  does  not  understand  a  word,  as 
the  following  anecdotes  will  prove. 

Madame  Modjeska,  a  Polish  actress,  who  has 
successfully  played  several  of  her  principal  roles  in 
English  at  the  Haymarket  and  Court  Theatres,  had 
been  asked  to  play  in  a  large  London  drawing-room. 
She  was  besought  to  recite  a  poem  in  her  own  lan- 
guage.    "But,"  said  she,  "you  will  not  understand 


142  JOHN   BULL   AND    HIS   ISLAND. 

me,  and  I  like  to  be  understood."  The  company  in- 
sisted so  much  that  she  at  last  yielded,  and,  striking 
a  tragic  posture,  recited  something  in  Polish.  John 
and  his  guests  were  lost  in  admiration.  Next  day, 
everybody  knew  that  Madame  Modjeska  had  given 
them,  as  a  recitation,  the  numeral  adjectives  from  one 
to  a  hundred. 

Madame  Sarah  Bernhardt  made  a  provincial  tour 
a  few  months  ago.  The  day  that  she  was  expected 
to  play  at  Blackpool,  she  was  taken  with  a  severe 
sore  throat.  She  went  to  the  director  of  the  theatre  : 
"  I  shall  not  be  able  to  play  to-night,"  she  said  to 
him;  "I  liave  lost  my  voice." — "What  does  that 
matter?"  said  the  impresario,  who  thoroughly  un- 
derstood his  patrons  ;  "  the  people  want  to  see  you  ; 
you  need  not  speak,  only  gesticulate,  they  will  be 
equally  well  pleased."—"  But  I  am  not  an  exhibi- 
tion ;  I  am  an  artiste,"  replied  the  celebrated  actress 
indignantly.  Sarah  is  obstinate  ;  to  tlie  great  disap- 
pointment of  the  director  she  neither  played  nor  ex- 
hibited herself. 

Mrs.  Langtry,  a  lady  mixing  in  the  highest  societv, 
and  one  of  the  handsomest  women  in  England,  which 
is  saying  a  great  deal,  went  on  the  stage  in  the  early 
part  of  this  present  year.  After  having  played  or 
rather  shown  herself  to  the  London  public  about  a 
dozen  times,  she  went  to  America.  All  the  Ameri- 
can newspapers  agree  in  saying  that  she  has  no  talent 
for  the  stage,  but  the  Yankees  flock  to  see  her,  and 
pay  from  ten  to  fifteen  dollars  for  an  orchestra  stall. 
The  English  newspapers  have  telegrams  every  day 
giving  all  particulars  of  the  great  financial  success 
of  her  visit.    The  Prince  and  Princess  of  Wales  sent 


JOHN   BULL   AND    HIS    ISLAND.  143 

her  their  congratulations.  The  amusing  part  of  it  is, 
that,  while  Mrs.  Langtry  draws  crowded  houses  at 
fabulous  prices,  Madame  Adelina  Patti,  who  is  also 
in  New  York,  plays  to  comparatively  empty  benches. 

The  three  solemn  knocks  which,  in  the  TJiedtre- 
Fran^ais,  precede  the  rising  of  the  curtain,  are  un- 
known in  England.  Hex^e,  a  polka  or  a  quadrille  is 
inflicted  on  you  between  each  act  of  Hamlet  or 
Othello.  On  the  other  hand,  you  are  not  annoyed  by 
the  obsequious  attentions  of  a  box  opener.  Of  the 
two  evils  I  prefer  the  quadrille,  inasmuch  as  it  is  in- 
cluded in  the  price  of  the  ticket,  and,  moreover,  you 
can  go  and  smoke  your  cigar  whilst  it  is  being  ad- 
ministered to  the  house.  Another  good  thing  about 
English  theatres :  the  intervals  only  last  a  few  min- 
utes, and  at  eleven  o'clock  you  can  go  home  to  bed  ; 
you  deserve  it. 


XX. 

Pianos — Drawing-room  Music — Concerts — Oratorios — Musical 

P'eslivals. 

In  London  there  is  not  even  a  cobbler  but  has  a 
piano  in  his  back  parlour.  If  people  lived  in  apart- 
ments here  as  they  do  in  Paris,  Bedlam,  Colney 
Hatch,  and  all  the  other  madhouses  would  never 
contain  the  lunatics  that  the  pianos  would  send 
them.  As  it  is,  everybody  has  his  house,  and  the 
evil  is  not  so  great. 

Every  woman,  I  might  say  without  exception, 
plays  the  piano  ;  but  in  a  private  room  I  have  never 
heard  a  lady  or  a  young  girl  play  well  enough  to  af- 
ford pleasure  to  a  serious  amateur.  They  play  with- 
out the  least  expression.  One  of  my  compatriots  and 
friends,  a  distinguished  professor  and  composer,  who 
teaches  this  instrument  of  torture  in  a  great  London 
ladies'  college,  complained  one  day  to  the  head-mis- 
tress that  his  pupils  {)layed  without  any  feeling  or 
expression.  "Monsieur,"  answered  the  lady  with  a 
kind  smile,  "  I  did  not  engage  you  to  teach  senti- 
ment to  my  yc)ung  ladies." 

It  is  the  same  with  singing.  You  sometimes  come 
across  pretty  voices,  but  they  make  no  impression 
upon  you  ;  it  is  nothing  but  noise.  Not  a  move- 
ment, not  a  muscle  of  the  fa.ce   relaxes  ;  it  is  a  mc 


JOHN   BULL   AND    HIS   ISLAND.  145 

chanical  action  of  the  vocal  chords,  a  mere  physical 
phenomenon. 

I  was  one  evening  in  a  drawing-room.  A  young 
lady  who  had  travelled  in  Italy  and  studied  music 
there,  was  asked  to  sing.  She  sang,  and  indeed  with 
a  good  deal  of  taste,  the  pretty  song  by  Arthur  Sul- 
livan :   "  Let  me  dream  again." 

"That  young  lady  sings  very  well,"  I  said  to  a 
lady  at  my  side. 

"  Ye — es,"  she  replied,  with  a  little  pout  of  scorn  ; 
"but  how  affected  she  is,  rolling  her  eyes,  and  put- 
ting her  hand  to  her  heart !  All  those  gesticulations 
are  highly  ridiculous  and  very  improper.  One  would 
think  she  was  an  actress." 

The  English,  who  know  what  awaits  them  in  the 
drawing-room,  have  such  an  appreciation  for  cham- 
ber music,  that  the  very  sound  of  the  piano  is  the 
signal  for  general  conversation.  When  the  piece  is 
finished,  the  company  leave  off  talking,  and  reward 
the  amateur  with  a  "  Thank  you." 

Punch,  who  knows  them,  represents  Hei-r  Bogulo- 
buffski  in  the  act  of  executing  a  piece  on  the  piano- 
forte. Seeing  that  everybody  is  engaged  in  conver- 
sation, he  pauses,  and  says  to  the  mistress  of  the 
house :  "  I  hope  I  am  not  in  the  way,  and  that  I  do 
not  disturb  conversation." 

"Oh!  not  at  all,"  replies  Mrs.  Ponsonby  de 
Tomkyns  ;  "  pray  go  on." 

Public  concerts,  on  the  other  hand,  are  excellent, 
and  always  well  attended.  All  the  greatest  singers 
in  the  world  can  be  heard  in  London.  The  orches- 
tra of  the  Crystal  Palace  is  perfection.  The  popu- 
lar concerts  of  classical  music  at  St.  James's  Hall, 
10 


146  JOHN   BULL   AND    HIS   ISLAND. 

the  Richter  concerts,  those  at  the  Albert  Hall,  Co- 
vent  Garden,  the  Floral  Hall  during  the  season, 
cannot  be  surpassed.  There  you  can  hear  Patti, 
Nilsson,  Albani,  Joachim,  Rubinstein,  Charles  Halle, 
Faure,  Nicolini,  etc. 

"J'en  passe  et  des  meilleurs." 

John  Bull  is  very  attentive  at  such  concerts.  He 
listens  with  all  his  ears.  You  wonder  why  he  does 
not  listen  to  Herr  Bogulobuffski  in  Mrs.  Ponsonby 
de  Tomkyns's  drawing-room.  The  reason  is  that 
John  is  charged  a  guinea  or  half-a  guinea  at  these 
public  concerts,  and  that  he  only  really  appreciates 
that  which  he  has  paid  for,  and  paid  for  properly. 

The  oratorio  flourishes  in  England  .  it  is  the 
music  for  which  John  Bull  shows  a  predilection. 
He  likes  these  biblical  subjects  set  to  music.  Look 
at  him  in  his  stall  (profanation  !  I  should  say  in  his 
pew)  ;  he  does  not  move,  his  eyes  are  closed,  that 
he  may  liear  the  better,  just  as  he  closes  them  when 
he  listens  to  a  sermon.  He  is  happy  ;  it  looks  as  if 
he  had  come  to  church.  The  oratorio  is  for  him  a 
foretaste  of  the  delights  that  await  him  in  the  next 
world.  At  the  Crystal  Palace,  he  gets  his  oratorio 
with  choruses  of  five  thousand  voices.  The  more 
there  are  the  better  he  is  pleased.  "  Oh ! "  ex- 
claimed an  Englishman  who  sat  near  me  at  one  of 
these  divine  services,  "  the  Italians  are  all  very  well, 
but  for  oratorio  you  must  have  English  singers,  you 
know."  I  am  quite  of  his  opinion,  just  as  to  make 
pastry  you  must  have  paste. 

It   is  true  that  some  of  these  oratorios  contain 


JOHN   BULL   AND    HIS    ISLAND.  147 

splendid  passages,  and  tliat  a  great  number  of  them 
were  written  by  such  men  as  Haydn,  Handel,  Bach, 
and  Mendelssohn.  But  it  is  a  rather  curious  fact 
that  most  of  them  were  composed  in  England  by 
these  great  masters  ;  perhaps  under  the  influence  of 
the  spleen  ;  it  is  Thames  fog  set  to  music. 

An  oratorio  lasts  from  three  hours  to  three  hours 
and  a  half.  In  the  country,  at  the  great  musical 
festivals  of  Bristol,  Hereford,  Leeds,  and  Birming- 
ham, oratorios  are  given  every  day  for  a  whole  week, 
beginning  with  the  Creation,  and  so  on  through  the 
list  :  Abraham,  Joseph,*  Elijah,  Judas  Maccabceiis,  the 
Messiah,  the  Martyr  of  Antioch,  by  Arthur  Sullivan, 
the  English  Offenbach,  the  Passion,  St.  Paul,  etc., 
etc.  The  English  will  not  be  happy  until  the  whole 
of  the  Bible  is  set  to  music. 

*  The  indignation,  with  which  Joseph  rejects,  in  B  flat,  the  im- 
proper propositions  of  Mrs.  Potiphar,  is  epic  ! 


XXI. 

Journalism— Advertisements— Journalists— The  Times— Punch— 
Liberty  of  the  Press— English  Literature — Novels— Artists— 
Gustave  Dore. 

London  alone  possesses  three  hundred  and  fifty 
newspapers,  about  fifty  of  which  are  devoted  to  re- 
ligious questions  and  news :  The  Christian,  the 
Christian  World,  the  Christian  Herald,  the  Christian 
Chronicle,  the  Christian  Era,  the  Christian  Revietv,  the 
Christian  Globe,  the  Christian  Age,  the  Christian 
Union,  the  Christian  Life,  the  Catholic  World,  the  Prot- 
estant Times,  the  Protestant  Standard,  the  Universe,  the 
Baptist,  etc.  :  the  vocabulary  will  soon  be  exhausted. 
The  Daily  News,  the  Standard,  and  the  Daily  Tele- 
graph are  the  papers  that  you  see,  in  the  morning, 
with  a  few  exceptions,  in  the  hands  of  every  English- 
man who  can  afford  this  little  penny  luxury.  These 
papers  consist  of  eight  large  pages  of  seven  or  eight 
columns  each.  Five  whole  pages  are  devoted  to  ad- 
vertisements. The  reason  is  that,  in  this  country, 
everything  is  obtained  by  advertising.  The  Univer- 
sities, the  great  Institutions,  are  compelled  by  their 
statutes  to  make  known  through  the  papers,  that 
such  and  such  a  chair  is  vacant.  For  instance,  you 
will  see  such  advertisement  as  the  following:  "  Uni^ 
versity  of  London. — The  chair  of  Sanskrit  is  vacant 


JOHN   BULL   AND    HIS   ISLAND.  149 

Emoluments  so  much.  The  candidates  must  send  in 
their  applications,  accompanied  by  testimonials,  on 
or  before  such  and  such  a  date." 

Every  one  advertises  for  what  he  wants  :  profes- 
sors, journalists,  authors,  governesses,  cooks.  Even 
lovers  appeal,  through  the  papers,  to  a  faithless  mis- 
tress or  a  fickle  sweetheart.  In  order  to  attract  at- 
tention, the  latter  advertisements  are  placed  at  the 
head  of  the  first  column  on  the  first  page.  I  copy 
some  of  these  heart-rending  appeals  : — "A.  M.  to  J. 
C.  K.  ■ — My  darling,  do  not  leave  me  any  longer  in 
anxiety.  I  eat  no  more  ;  I  sleep  no  more.  What- 
ever has  happened,  I  forgive  you,  and  kiss  your 
sweet  face.  Come."  The  next  is  a  little  bit  less 
romantic  :  "  To  William  F.  R. — Why  did  you  not 
keep  your  appointment  with  me  ?  I  am  dying  to 
see  you.  Send  P.O.O.  to  the  same  address  as  be- 
fore." 

The  daily  papers  of  which  I  have  just  been  speak- 
ing are  colossal  enterprises.  The  correspondence 
and  the  telegrams,  which  sometimes  cost  -fabulous 
sums,  are  beyond  anything  of  the  same  kind  that 
can  be  seen  on  the  Continent,  where  each  news- 
paper belongs  to  a  political  personage,  whose  opin- 
ions it  represents.  The  Standard  is  the  organ  of  the 
Conservative  party,  the  Daily  News  that  of  the  Lib- 
eral party.  But,  if  the  correspondence  and  the  tele- 
grams of  these  leading  English  papers  are  superior 
to  those  of  Parisian  papers,  the  articles  are  much 
inferior.  Nothing  is  more  dull,  more  devoid  of  in- 
terest, than  the  leaders  of  the  great  political  organs. 

Thanks  to  the  liberty  of  the  Press,  journalism  is  a 
formidable  power  in  England.     On  the  other  han4 


ISO  JOHN    BULL   AND    HIS   ISLAND. 

the  journalist  himself  is  not  an  authority  as  he  is  in 
France.  Articles  are  not  signed,  and  outside  the 
fraternity  nobody  knows,  or  cares  to  know,  the  nanie 
of  a  single  writer  of  the  Times  or  any  other  paper. 

The  king  of  all  the  newspapers  of  the  universe  is 
the  Times.  Its  sixteen  pages,  eleven  of  which  are 
devoted  to  advertisements,  appear  every  morning, 
and  cost  threepence.  This  paper,  the  reputation 
and  influence  of  which  have  been  greatly  overrated, 
does  not  belong  to  any  political  party.  It  is  a  creak- 
ing old  weathercock,  as  a  friend  of  mine  called  it, 
which  one  sees  every  morning  throwing  its  venom 
right  and  left,  to  the  general  terror  of  continental 
newspapers,  which  exclaim:  "The  Ti?nes  says  this, 
the  Times  says  that."  This  sheet  of  advertisements 
and  police  news,  which  pretends  to  know  the 'secrets 
of  all  the  European  Cabinets,  including  those  of  the 
Maison-Dorce,  has  no  other  aim  but  money-making  ; 
and  if  it  represents  any  interest  at  all,  it  is  that  of 
the  great  city  bankers.  With  the  exception  of  the 
Jerome  Paturots  in  search  of  a  social  position,  who 
pore  over  the  advertisements  of  the  Times  in  read- 
ing-rooms, the  clubs,  and  other  public  institutions, 
the  great  mass  of  the  people  does  not  read  this  en- 
vious, pedantic,  and  nagging  old  journal. 

Punch,  the  London  Charivari,  is  a  little  weekly 
paper,  full  of  fun  and  luunour,  showing  that  it  is 
possible  to  be  witty  without  ceasing  to  be  refined. 
The  caricatures  are  admirable,  and  the  best  of  them 
is  that  no  mother  would  think  of  forbidding  her 
daughter  to  look  at  them.  I  open  at  hazard: — "I 
say,  papa,  are  you  still  growing  ?  "  says  a  pretty  little 
girl  to  a  papa  whose  baldness  seems  to  be  taking 


JOHN   BULL   AND    HIS   ISLAND.  151 

alarming  proportions.  "  No,  my  dear  ;  Avhy  ? " 
"  Oh  !  because  your  head  is  coming  through  your 
hair  ! "  Farther  on  it  is  a  political  skit.  Lord  Bea- 
consfield,  then  at  the  head  of  the  Government,  has 
got  the  Sultan  of  Zanzibar  over  to  London.  "Well, 
now  that  your  Highness  has  been  able  to  see  what  a 
civilized  nation  is  like,  I  hope,  on  your  return  to 
your  country,  you  will  give  orders  for  the  suppres- 
sion of  the  slave  trade."  "  I  shall  do  my  best,  my 
friend  ;  only  I  must  tell  you  that  the  Conservative 
party  is  very  strong  over  there." 

And  the  caricatures  of  the  great  statesmen  !  You 
should  see  how  Punch  handles  them,  and  uses  them 
as  stock-in-trade !  In  his  character  of  jester,  he 
takes  all  manner  of  liberties  with  perfect  freedom  ; 
his  innocent  hits  are  sure  to  be  taken  in  good  part. 

There  is  no  limit  put  to  the  liberty  of  the  press 
in  this  country.  Everything  is  reviewed  and  criti- 
cised by  the  papers,  and  not  infrequently  in  the 
plainest,  most  violent  terms.  Sentences  too  severe 
or  too  lenient,  political  and  administrative  acts,  every- 
thing has  to  pass  through  the  Caudine  Forks  of  a 
severe  criticism.  There  is  not  a  judgment,  not  a  de- 
cision, that  need  be  considered  as  oracular.  Public 
opinion  is  the  supreme  court  of  judicature.  I  do 
not  suppose  there  was  ever  a  voice  raised  in  Eng- 
land to  propose  that  a  restraint  should  be  put  upon 
the  liberty  of  the  press,  which  in  a  free  country  is 
the  correlation  of  the  sovereignty  of  the  people. 

Press  offences,  properly  speaking,  there  are  none. 
Offences  committed  through  the  columns  of  a  news- 
paper are  treated  as  common  law  offences,  and  pun- 
ished as  such. 


152  JOHN   BULL   AND   HIS   ISLAND. 

Everybody,  in  England,  can  read,  and  does  read. 
The  most  insignificant  village  cobbler  has  a  little 
library,  or,  at  least,  a  few  books  on  the  table  of  his 
modest  parlour.  We  must  of  course  except  the 
lower  classes  of  London  ;  but  they  are  quite  a  dis- 
tinct population,  such  as  you  will  find  in  no  other 
part  of  the  country.  In  France,  the  labourer's  wife 
has  her  old  missal  ;  but  it  is  in  Latin  :  of  what  use 
is  it  to  her  ?  In  this  country,  these  worthy  people 
all  have  their  Bible,  written  in  a  language  both  sim- 
ple and  lofty  ;  all  have  read  it,  and  will  read  it  again. 

The  absence  of  books  among  the  middle  classes 
of  France  is  striking.  Working  classes  are  satisfied 
with  readins:  the  noiivelles  diverses  and  the  sensational 
novels  of  the  Petit  Journal ;  it  is  with  such  literature 
that  our  ordinary  bourgeois  feeds  his  mind.  Every 
Englishman,  I  repeat,  has  a  library  :  besides,  he  gen- 
erally subscribes  to  a  circulating  library,  which  sup- 
plies him,  for  the  sum  of  a  guinea  a  year,  with  as 
many  novels  as  he  can  digest. 

England  has  produced,  during  the  last  three  cen- 
turies, a  succession  of  literary  monuments  that  only 
ancient  Greece  and  France  are  in  a  position  to  ad- 
mire without  envy.  A  list  of  princes  indeed.  In 
poetry — Chaucer,  Shakespeare,  the  immortal  bard, 
Spenser,  Marlowe,  Ben  Jonson,  Milton,  the  "mighty- 
voiced  inventor  of  harmonies  ; "  Dryden,  Prior, 
Pope,  Gay,  Young,  Thomson,  Burns,  Thomas  Moore, 
Walter  Scott,  Cowper,  Byron,  Shelley,  Keats,  Ten- 
nyson ;  in  history  and  philosophy — Bacon,  Locke, 
Gil)bon,  Newton,  Addison,  Swift,  Goldsmith,  Sam- 
uel Johnson,  Hume.  Sn-iollctt,  Burke,  Hallam,  Ma- 


JOHN    BULL   AND    HIS   ISLAND.  1 53 

caulay,  Grote,  Carlyle  ;  in  fiction — Fielding,  Sterne, 
Cooper,  AValter  Scott,  Lytton,  Disraeli,  Charles 
Dickens,  Thackeray,  Charlotte  Bronte,  George 
Eliot. 

Ainsworth  and  Anthony  Trollope  have  just  died  ; 
and  it  seems  as  if  we  must  expect  a  time  of  rest,  or 
sadder  still,  of  decadence.  Shakespeare  has  attained 
heights  which  it  does  not  seem  possible  for  man  to 
approach;  Milton  made  blank  verse  perfect.  These 
messengers  of  the  gods  have  passed  away  ;  they  will 
return  no  more.  In  Germany — Goethe  and  Schiller  ; 
in  Italy — Tasso,  Ariosto  and  Dante  ;  in  France  Cor- 
neille,  Racine,  Moliere,  Voltaire,  and  Victor  Hugo; 
in  ancient  Greece — Homer,  vEschylus,  Euripides, 
and  Sophocles  ;  so  many  heroes— demi-gods  !  Like 
the  Messiah,  they  came  with  a  message  to  the  earth. 
That  message  is  delivered,  and  they  will  come  no 
more. 

The  English  modern  novel  is  not,  like  the  French 
one,  a  picture  of  the  improbable,  but  a  true  picture 
of  everyday  life.  Thackeray,  the  English  Balzac, 
has  painted  the  aristocracy  of  his  country  ;  the  in- 
imitable Dickens,  the  middle  and  lower  classes  ; 
George  Eliot  has  dissected  the  human  heart ;  be- 
tween them  they  have  left  little  unsaid.  Here,  a 
novel  can  be  put  into  the  hands  of  youth  without 
fear  of  its  warping  the  mind,  and  such  is  the  moral 
tone  of  the  greater  part  of  English  fiction,  that  few 
parents  concern  themselves  about  the  novels  that 
their  children  read.  A  boy  can,  in  all  security,  take 
a  novel  to  school  without  fear  of  its  being  confis- 
cated. In  France,  a  boy  in  whose  desk  a  novel  of 
Alexandre   Dumas,  or  perhaps  even  of  Erckmann- 


154  JOHN    BULL   AND    HIS   ISLAND. 

Chatrian  had  been  found,  would  be  relentlessly  ex- 
pelled. 

The  English  are  fond  of  the  fine  arts,  and  are  ex- 
cellent connoisseurs.  How  could  they  be  otherwise, 
admirers  of  Nature  as  they  are  ?  The  land  of  Joshua 
Reynolds,  Turner,  Hogarth,  and  Landseer,  possesses 
at  the  present  time  a  legion  of  talented  artists : 
Frederick  Leighton,  Millais,  Alma  Tadema,  and 
many  others. 

Th€  knowledge  of  drawing  is  more  widely  spread 
in  England  than  in  France.  You  will  generally  find 
in  the  house  of  an  English  gentleman  the  illustrated 
diary  of  the  travels  of  some  member  of  the  family. 
Every  well-educated  girl  can  sketch  a  landscape. 
Who  has  not  seen  them  on  our  Normandy  beaches 
and  hills,  pencil  and  palette  in  hand  ? 

The  picture  galleries,  with  which  Pall  Mall  and 
Bond  Street  abound,  are  the  rendezvous  of  English 
good  society.  You  can  pass  a  delightful  hour  in 
these  rooms,  which  sometimes  only  contain  about 
half  a  dozen  pictures.  One  of  the  most  frequented 
is  the  Dore  Gallery.  The  great  French  artist,  whose 
pictures,  so  powerful,  so  vivid,  have  made  him  uni- 
versally popular,  and  whose  loss  France  still  mourns, 
was  very  much  appreciated  in  England.  His  great 
religious  pictures — the  Crucifixion,  the  Martyrs,  the 
Ascension,  Christ  having  the  Prcetorium,  Ecce  Homo, 
the  Entry  of  Christ  into  Jei'usalem,  the  Dream  of  Pi- 
late's Wife — have  attracted  vast  numbers  of  people 
for  the  last  ten  years. 

The  following  is  a  list  of  the  principal  picture 
galleries  : — 


JOHN   BULL   AND    HIS   ISLAND.  1 55 

Society  of  British  Artists. 

City  of  London  Society  of  Artists. 

Dore  Gallery. 

Dramatic  Fine  Art  Gallery. 

Dudley  Gallery. 

Dulwich  Gallery. 

French  Gallery. 

Grosvenor  Gallery. 

Society  of  Lady  Artists. 

National  Gallery. 

National  Portrait  Gallery, 

Royal  Academy. 

South  Kensington. 

Society  of  Painters  in  Water  Colours. 

Institute  of  Painters  in  Water  Colours. 

These  picture  galleries  are  open  to  the  public  all 
the  year  round.  There  exist  many  others,  of  less 
importance,  to  which  the  public  are  only  admitted 
during  certain  parts  of  the  year. 


XXII. 

The  Great  Public  Schools — Education — Schoolboys'  Clubs^ 
School  Heroes — Athletic  Games — Oxford  and  Cambridge — 
Logic  Lane — Argumentum  Baculinum. 

To  develop  the  physical  faculties  of  the  young,  and 
by  means  of  liberty  and  confidence  to  cultivate  in 
them  the  love  of  what  is  right,  such  is  the  double 
aim  of  the  great  English  schools.  They  would 
have  educated  men,  but,  above  all,  they  would  have 
men,  vigorous  men,  strong  in  body  and  in  mind. 
Mens  Sana  in  corpore  sano. 

Therefore,  no  barrack  system  ;  fresh  air  in  abun- 
dance, open  fields  and  long  free  walks.  No  other 
policemen  or  watchdogs  than  conscience  and  public 
opinion.  Each  pupil  is  expected  to  be  in  his  place 
at  the  time  for  classes  or  meals,  and  in  his  place 
each  is  to  be  found.  What  temptation  is  there  to 
play  truant  ?  After  school  hours,  the  English 
schoolboy  may  do  as  he  likes,  and  go  where  he  likes. 
When  we,  poor  prisoners,  could  evade  the  porter's 
vigilance,  and  run  to  the  tobacconist's  shop  across 
the  road  to  get  a  pennyworth  of  tobacco,  we  felt  like 
perfect  heroes  of  romance.  On  our  return,  our 
schoolfellows  flocked  round  us  to  sniff  a  little  of  the 
fresh  and  free  air  that  we  had  breathed  for  a  mo- 
ment.     The  cigarette  .is   never  seen  in    the   great 


JOHN   BULL   AND    HIS   ISLAND.  1 57 

centres  of  English  education.  If  it  were  forbidden 
as  strictly  as  it  is  with  us,  it  would  soon  be  just  as 
popular  in  England  as  in  France.  It  is  a  kind  of 
savour  of  forbidden  fruit  that  makes  smoking  at- 
tractive ;  freely  permit  it,  and  it  loses  all  its  charm, 

Eton,  Harrow,  Rugby,  Marlborough,  Wellington, 
all  the  greatest  schools,  are  in  the  country.  They 
are  regular  little  towns,  with  parks  or  fields  around 
them  instead  of  courtyards.  London  possesses  only 
five  of  these  institutions  :  St.  Paul's,  Westminster, 
Christ's  Hospital,  Merchant  Taylors,  and  City  of 
London  School  ;  and  even  the  first-named  of  these 
is  to  be  transplanted  next  year  to  an  immense  piec^ 
of  ground  in  the  suburbs. 

A  head-master,  in  spite  of  his  five  or  six  thousand 
a  year  salary,  is  not  an  inaccessible  potentate  ;  quite 
the  contrary,  he  knows  personally  every  pupil.  All 
the  faces  are  familiar  to  him.  And  not  only  the 
faces,  either,  for  young  boys  are  still  caned  in 
English  schools  ;  it  is  one  of  the  privileges  of  the 
head-master  :  every  unruly  boy  is  taken  to  him  to 
receive  this  chastisement.  M.  Taine  makes  the  ob- 
servation that  no  head-master  of  a  French  lycce 
would  lower  himself  so  far  as  to  whip  a  pupil.  That 
is  all  very  well  ;  but  the  English  are  practical  before 
everytliing.  By  expelling  a  boy  for  the  least  infrac- 
tion of  discipline,  as  is  done  in  France,  you  blight 
his  future.  Here,  he  gets  two  or  three  strokes  of 
the  birch,  and  there  is  no  more  said  about  it  :  pccJii 
piini  est  tout-d-fait  pardonnc.  The  boy  may  not  boast 
of  it,  but  neither  will  he  consider  himself  disgraced  ; 
the  treatment  generally  has  a  salutary  effect,  and  the 
culprit  is  received  back  into  the  good  graces  of  his 


158  JOHN   BULL   AND    HIS   ISLAND. 

masters,  and  continues  his  studies  as  if  nothing  had 
happened. 

In  the  public  schools,  no  routine,  no  advancement 
according  to  seniority — that  premium  offered  to  stu- 
pidity in  France.  When  a  pupil  gets  too  advanced 
for  his  class,  the  head-master  promotes  him  to  a 
higher  one.  In  sixth  forms,  which  correspond  to 
our  classes  de  rJictorique,  you  will  sometimes  find  boys 
of  fourteen  or  even  thirteen.  In  France,  there  are 
students  of  higher  mathematics  w^ho  do  not  know 
their  first  book  of  Euclid,  Rhetoricians  who  do  not 
know  their  declensions.  Here,  each  class  is  com- 
posed of  from  twenty-five  to  thirt)^  boys,  no  more. 
They  all  have  to  be  attentive,  and  all  profit  by  the 
lessons  given  by  the  master,  because  he  can  give 
every  boy  individual  attention. 

The  classes  in  French  lycc'es  are  composed  of  ten 
pupils  of  extraordinary  capacities,  who  are  prepared 
for  the  grand  concours  de  la  Sorbonfie,  of  about  twenty 
who  follow  the  lectures  anyhow,  and  of  fifty  poor 
boys,  neglected,  forgotten  even,  who  learn  nothing, 
who  are  mere  wallflowers. 

In  England,  none  of  those  thousand  petty  offences 
made  up  to  annoy  and  irritate  young  people.  I  re- 
member to  have  had,  en  Rhetorique,  five  hundred 
lines  of  Athalie  to  copy  for  having  asked  th'e  boy 
sitting  next  to  me  to  let  me  dip  my  pen  in  his  ink- 
stand. 

In  England,  an  intelligent  boy  costs  his  parents 
nothing  to  educate.  He  easily  obtains  a  scholarship 
by  competitive  examination.  When  his  studies  are 
finished,  he  can  obtain  from  his  school  an  exhibition 
worth  eighty  or  a  hundred  pounds  a  year  for  the 


JOHN   BULL   AND    HIS   ISLAND.  1 59 

four  years  that  he  means  to  pass  at  Oxford  or  Cam- 
bridge. At  the  same  time,  he  can  try  for  another 
scholarship  at  the  University  of  his  choice,  and  thus 
take  up,  for  four  or  five  years,  a  sum  of  about  two 
hundred  pounds.  Each  public  school  has  its  own 
income,  administered  by  a  council  of  governors. 
All  these  institutions  for  higher  education  are  their 
own  mistresses,  and  each  is  independent  of  the 
other. 

Public  school  boys  get  on  very  well  among  each 
other.  The  dunces  are  not  despised  as  they  are 
with  us.  On  the  other  hand,  the  hero  of  the  Eng- 
lish schoolboy  is  not  the  top  boy  of  his  class,  but 
the  quickest  runner,  the  best  athlete.  At  Eton,  the 
school  for  the  aristocracy,  the  heroes  are  first  the 
young  noblemen,  next  the  sons  of  rich  parents : 
the  ones  that  are  looked  down  upon  are  the  founda- 
tion scholars,  otherwise  the  cleverest  boys.  Still 
lower  in  the  scale  come  the  masters,  I  am  told.  A 
French  schoolboy  always  feels  inclined  to  lift  his  cap 
when  a  scholar  who  has  carried  off  a  prize  at  the 
great  Sorbonne  examination  passes  near  him. 

Each  school  has  its  clubs:  Athletic  sports  club, 
football  club,  cricket  club,  debating  societies.  All 
these  societies  have  their  president,  their  treasurer, 
their  secretary.  Nothing  is  wanting.  The  head- 
master and  other  masters  are  honorary  president 
and  vice-presidents  ;  but  the  pupils  alone  generally 
attend  the  meetings.  One  of  them  acts  as  president, 
and  perfect  order  reigns  throughout  these  little  par- 
liaments. The  secretary  takes  notes  and  draws  up 
the  minutes  of  the  meeting,  winch  are  read  at  the 


l6o  JOHN    BULL   AND    HIS   ISLAND, 

opening  of  the  following  one.  In  the  debating  socie- 
ties, all  sorts  of  questions,  literary,  political,  and 
social,  are  gone  into.  I  saw  one  day,  when  I  visited 
St.  Paul's  School,  that  the  question  to  be  discussed 
at  the  next  meeting  of  the  Society  was  "  Women's 
Rights  :  ought  woman  to  play  a  political  part  in  the 
commonwealth?"  The  names  of  the  speakers  who 
would  support  or  who  would  oppose  the  proposition 
were  given.  When  all  have  had  their  say,  the  pres- 
ident counts  the  ayes  and  noes  of  the  voters.  These 
young  fellows  thus  get  accustomed  early  to  express 
themselves  well,  to  speak  in  public,  and  to  be  one 
day  ornaments  of  the  House  of  Commons.  Never  a 
rude  or  improper  word  is  heard  in  these  meetings. 
Everything  is  carried  on  in  a  calm,  dignified  manner. 
They  are  held  after  the  masters  have  left  the  school 
house.  No  mistrust,  no  watch  kept,  no  police.  It 
is  a  perfect  government.  The  maintenance  of  order 
is  in  the  hands  of  the  citizens. 

Each  large  school  has  its  magazine,  edited  by  the 
most  competent  scholars  of  the  upper  forms.  These 
periodicals,  which  indeed  are  very  interesting,  give 
all  the  news  of  the  school,  accounts  of  the  meetings 
of  the  different  societies,  literary  articles,  and  poems, 
and  are  read  by  tlie  pupils  and  ex-pupils,  whom  it 
keeps  informed  of  all  that  is  going  on  in  the  place 
where  they  passed  some  of  their  happiest  days. 
These  publications  tend  to  keep  up  a  pleasant  inter- 
course between  old  schoolfellows,  and  to  strengthen 
the  esprit  de  corps  amongst  them. 

I  think,  on  the  whole,  too  much  importance  is  at- 
tached to  athletic  games.     I   cannot   make  up  my 


JOHN    BULL   AND    HIS    ISLAND.  iCl 

mind  to  admire  those  legs  and  biceps  tliat  are  tried 
and  betted  upon  exactly  as  at  a  horse  race. 

I  admire  the  development  of  the  physical  faculties  ; 
but  I  draw  the  line  at  professional  runners  and  walk- 
ers. I  prefer  a  horse.  Many  of  the  games  are  very 
dangerous.  Football  is  a  wild  game  fit  for  savages. 
Picture  to  yourself  fifteen  great  fellows  on  either 
side  of  a  large  ball  that  has  to  be  kicked  through 
the  two  goals  of  the  opposite  side,  pushing  and 
bustling,  rolling  over  one  anotlier  at  the  risk  of  get- 
ting their  ribs  or  jaw-bones  broken,  breathless,  their 
clothes  torn,  their  shoulders  lacerated,  their  hair  on 
end,  their  faces  covered  with  perspiration,  blood,  and 
rnud ;  their  eyes  blackened  perhaps,  but  glowing 
with  excitement,  for  all  that  is  nothing  to  compare 
to  a  defeat.  "  Fine  game,  sir  ! "  remarked  to  me  a 
sturdy  young  fellow,  the  first  Latinist  of  a  large 
school,  who  had  just  won  a  victory  over  the  fifteen 
players  of  another  public  school.  "It  was  rather 
hard  work  ;  but  we  have  beaten  them  all  the  same. 
They  cannot  play  against  us  ;  they  haven't  any 
wind."  Hundreds  of  spectators,  ladies  as  well  as 
gentlemen,  gather  round  the  lists,  and  applaud  and 
encourage  the  players  with  their  shouts  and  bravos. 
Others  besides  schoolboys  take  part  in  these  savage 
games :  officers,  gentlemen — every  active  man  of 
England  plays  football. 

Football  and  cricket  are  the  two  national  games  : 
the  former  is  played  from  the  first  of  October  to  the 
first  of  April,  and  the  latter  from  the  first  of  April 
to  the  first  of  October.  Cricket,  a  much  quieter 
game  than  .football,  and  very  interesting  when  one 
understands  the  rules  well,  consists  in  aiming  a 
II 


l62  JOHN   BULL   AND    HIS   ISLAND. 

leathern  ball  at  three  sticks  planted  in  the  ground, 
and  defended  by  the  adversary  armed  with  a  flat 
club  which  serves  to  return  the  ball  far  enough  aAvay 
to  allow  him  to  run  between  the  two  lines  of  sticks, 
until  the  ball  has  been  retrieved.  Such  are  the 
games  over  which  young  England  goes  wild  and 
intoxicates  itself.  In  spite  of  accidents,  which  occur 
too  often,  it  must  be  admitted  that  such  pastimes 
are  preferable  to  the  reading  of  Nana,  or  to  conver- 
sations often  obscene  that  are  carried  on  in  our  col- 
lege yards. 

To  show  to  what  an  extent  the  confidence  placed 
in  an  English  schoolboy  is  carried,  I  must  tell  you 
that  a  master  will  not  unfrequently  say  to  a  class  : 
*'  I  shall  expect  you  to  bring  me  your  translation  to- 
morrow, done  without  using  a  dictionary  or  gram- 
mar. I  shoidd  like  to  see  how  you  will  be  able  to 
manage  it."  No  head-master  would  take  the  liberty 
of  opening  a  letter  addressed  to  one  of  his  pupils  ; 
the  result  of  this  system  of  confidence  placed  in  them 
from  their  tenderest  years  is,  that  at  fifteen  years 
old,  English  boys  know  how  to  behave  themselves 
like  men.  The  English  coolness  of  manner  is  ad- 
mirably calcidated  to  frustrate  children's  artifices  ; 
no  raising  of  the  voice,  no  displaying  of  temper, 
which  only  irritates  them,  and  which  they  know 
how  to  take  advantage  of  if  you  do  but  give  them 
the  victory  over  you,  by  showing  them  that  they 
possess  the  power  of  putting  you  out  of  temper. 
The  empire  over  one's  self,  self-control,  that  eminent- 
ly English  virtue,  is  the  quality  most  essential  to 
a  schoolmaster      I  know  nothing  less  enviable  than 


JOHN   BULL   AND    HIS   ISLAND.  163 

the  position  of  a  master  who  cannot  make  himself 
respected  by  those  merciless  little  tyrants  called 
schoolboys  ;  it  must  in  the  long  run  produce  disas- 
trous effects  upon  the  brain.  I  read  the  other  day, 
in'  a  newspaper,  that  a  pupil  had  by  his  insolence 
and  sarcasms  driven  his  master  to  shoot  himself.  I 
should  have  shot  the  young  rascal,  I  know. 

After  having  spoken  so  highly  of  the  great  public 
schools,  what  language  shall  I  use  to  give  an  idea  of 
those  two  great  centres  of  learning  in  England,  the 
Universities  of  Oxford  and  Cambridge  ?  Oxford 
especially  ;  Oxford  with  its  twenty  colleges  hundreds 
of  years  old,  its  museums,  its  rich  libraries,  its  lawns, 
its  parks,  its  gigantic  trees  covered  with  luxuriant 
foliage,  its  towers  clad  with  ivy,  Virginia  creeper, 
honeysuckle,  and  clematis,  its  long  shady  walks  like 
cathedral  naves.  Everything  around  you  has  an  air 
of  classic  sanctity,  and  inspires  in  the  heart,  ideas  of 
poetry,  study,  and  peaceful  seclusion.  It  is  in  the 
shade  of  these  gigantic  oaks,  on  the  richest  verdure 
that  Nature  ever  offered  to  the  eyes  of  man,  under 
the  shadow  of  these  venerable  walls,  the  very  stones 
of  which  have  a  history,  that  the  young  Englishman 
finishes  his  studies.  One  cannot  look  at  these  im- 
pressive sights  without  being  mentally  carried  back 
to  France,  without  thinking  of  our  poor,  solitary 
Soibonne  so  gray,  so  cold  ;  of  our  students  living  in 
wretched  lodgings  in  tlie  Quarticr-Latin. 
K^No  women  of  evil  repute  in  Oxford,  I  am  told  ; 
t%e  authorities  see  that  the  young  men  under  their 
care  have  liberty  combined  with  freedom  from  dan- 
ger.    When  the  students  are  not  at  work,  they  are 


l64  JOHN    BULL   AND    HIS   ISLAND. 

at  the  great  club  of  the  university — the  Union. 
There  they  have  all  they  require  :  reading  rooms, 
coffee,  and  billiard  rooms,  studies,  libraries,  gardens, 
and  also  the  great  hall,  in  which  the  members  meet, 
under  the  presidency  of  one  of  their  number,  to  dis- 
cuss the  questions  of  the  day.  In  the  summer,  they 
are  on  the  river,  iu  hundreds  of  boats,  and  each 
wearing  a  boating  costume,  with  the  arms  of  the  col- 
lege to  which  he  belongs. 

Living  is  expensive  at  Oxford,  and  a  student  can- 
not keep  himself  on  much  less  than  three  hundred 
pounds  a  year  ;  but,  as  I  have  said,  the  cleverest  live 
at  the  expense  of  their  colleges  and  of  the  public 
schools  in  which  they  were  educated.  A  volume 
would  scarce  suffice  to  give  a  description  of  the 
treasures  that  are  contained  in  this  unique  town. 
The  Bodleian  Library  alone  would  require  many 
pages  devoted  to  it.  It  is  there  that  is  kept  the 
most  ancient  manuscript  of  our  old  national  epic  of 
the  eleventh  century,  the  Chanson  de  Roland.  It  was 
my  privilege  to  see  and  touch  this  precious  little 
volume  that  some  of  our  troubadours  carried  about 
in  their  pockets  :  I  could  not  help  feeling  deep  emo- 
tion as  I  opened  it. 

Oxford  has  still  the  reputation  of  being  a  centre 
of  prejudices  in  religious  matters.  "  Oxford,  famous 
for  dead  languages  and  undying  prejudices,"  once 
said  Mr.  John  Bright.  Cambridge  is  more  liberal 
and  less  aristocratic.  It  was  Oxford  that  burnt  Lati- 
mer and  Ridley.  Macaulay  reproaches  her  with  it ; 
"Cambridge  had  made  them,"  he  said;  "Oxford 
burnt  them."  It  should  be  added  that  Macaulay 
was  a  Cambridge  man. 


JOHN   BULL   AND    HIS   ISLAND.  l6$ 

The  University  of  Oxford  was  founded  in  tlie 
ninth  century  by  Alfred  the  Great,  and  that  of  Cam- 
bridge dates  also  from  the  middle  ages.  England 
possesses  several  other  universities  :  London,  Dur- 
ham, Manchester,  and  others  ;  but  they  are  of  mod- 
ern foundation,  and  do  not  enjoy  such  a  reputation 
as  their  two  time-honoured  sisters. 

Oxford  and  Cambridge  are  the  nurseries  of  the 
great  men  of  England,  and  it  would  be  difficult  to 
say  wliich  of  the  two  has  produced  the  greater  num- 
ber :  perfect  harmony  exists  between  them,  and  they 
give  each  other  mutual  encouragement  in  the  path 
of  labour  and  honour.  All  the  clergvmen  of  the 
Church  of  England  have  studied  at  Oxford  or 
Cambridge.  Therefore  they  are  at  once  well-edu- 
cated men  and  gentlemen.  They  marry  and  become 
useful  members  of  society.  The  young  vicar  is  very 
much  sought  after  in  the  higher  classes  :  he  has 
only  to  choose  a  girl  and  throw  the  handkerchief, 
and  she  is  his. 

The  two  great  Universities  appear  in  public,  once 
a  year,  on  the  Saturday  preceding  Holy  Week,  to 
the  enjoyment  of  the  London  populace.  The  Ox- 
ford and  Cambridge  University  Boat  Race  is,  after 
the  Derby,  the  most  important  event  of  the  year  for 
the  betting  world.  For  a  week  everybody  wears,  in 
his  button-hole,  a  dark  blue  (Oxford)  or  a  light  blue 
(Cambridge)  ribbon.  The  contest  takes  place  on 
the  Thames,  near  London.  The  two  boats  are  each 
rowed  by  the  eight  best  oarsmen  of  the  University, 
vi'ho  for  months  have  been  in  special  and  hard  train- 


ing. 


Here,  as  in  the  public  schools,  the  popular  heroes 


l66  JOHN    BULL   AND    HIS   ISLAND. 

are  the  best  oarsmen,  cricketers,  and  football  players. 
Oxford  and  Cambridge  also  have  contests  at  football, 
cricket,  and  billiards. 

The  debating  societies  of  the  great  public  schools 
and  universities  have  formed  the  greater  part  of  the 
best  orators  of  England.  Canning,  Gladstone,  and 
a  hundred  others,  made  their  debut  in  the  Union. 
These  gatherings,  which  might  give  a  lesson  in  good 
order  and  courtesy  to  our  legislative  assemblies, 
were  formerly  held,  at  Oxford,  in  a  little  narrow 
lane,  that  may  still  be  seen  in  the  neighbourhood  of 
Wadham  College,  and  which  is  called  Logic  Lane. 
There  the  antagonists  used  to  encounter  to  discuss 
important  questions  of  philosophy.  When  they 
could  not  succeed  in  confuting  their  adversaries,  they 
knocked  them  down.  This  way  of  proceeding  was 
called  the  argumentum  baculinitin.  "  It  was  their 
method  in  these  polemical  debates,"  sa3^s  Addison, 
"  first  to  discharge  their  syllogisms,  after  the  manner 
of  Socrates,  and  afterwards  to  betake  themselves  to 
their  clubs,  till  such  time  as  they  had  one  way  or 
ether  confounded  their  gainsayers."  This  puts  one 
in  mind  of  the  time  when  the  universities  of  Europe 
were  divided  into  Greeks  and  Trojans.  The  latter 
bore  a  mortal  enmity  to  the  Greek  language,  and 
Erasmus  tells  how  he  had  the  misfortune  to  fall  one 
day  into  the  hands  of  a  party  of  Trojans  who  beat 
him  and  left  him  in  the  street  for  dead. 


XXIII. 

Private  Schools — Handy  Masters — Scholastic  Agents — Intelligent 
Men  of  Business — Personal  Reminiscences — Occupying  a  seat 
is  not  engaging  it. 

To  become  a  lawyer,  doctor,  or  officer,  you  must 
pass  examinations.  To  become  a  schoolmaster,  it  is 
quite  unnecessary  :  you  open  a  school  for  boys  or 
girls,  just  as  you  would  open  a  grocery  shop.  I 
know  of  a  tailor  who,  having  failed  in  business,  has 
set  up  a  school  in  my  neighbourhood  ;  he  is  getting 
on  finely.  In  every  street,  at  every  step,  you  see  on 
a  door  a  brass  plate  with  the  inscription  :  Establish- 
ment for  young  gcntletnen^  or  Establishment  for  young 
ladies. 

Education  is  uncontrolled  by  any  authority.  The 
establishments  in  question  are  not  subject  to  inspec- 
tion ;  but  the  pupils  who  are  sent  to  them  are  gen- 
erally well  fed  and  allowed  time  for  play ;  the  rest 
the  parents  do  not  trouble  themselves  much  about. 

The  other  day  I  received  two  prospectuses,  from 
which  I  will  give  you  a  few  extracts.  I  keep  the 
style  intact ;  it  would  be  profanation  to  touch  such 
cliefs-d'ceuvre. 

"  Terms  as  lorv  as  'possible  to  keep  schools  select  and 
secure  thorough  teaching. 

"  They  are  examined  every  July  by  a  gentleman  from 


l68  JOHN   BULL   AND    HIS   ISLAND. 

the  College  of  Preceptors,  thus  combining  the  advantages 
of  a  Public  with  a  Private  School. 

"  Aleals  if  wished.   Luncheon  and  diriner,  gd.    Tea,  ^d. 

"  Terms  include  English  only.  French,  music,  walks, 
extras. 

'■'■Being  very  fond  of  babies,  eighteen  jnonths  to  two 
years  is  preferred  for  their  admission. 

"  The  religion  of  parents  is  never  spoken  agaittst,  but 
the  Bible  fnust  be  taught. 

"  Quarter  from  day  of  admission,  hoping  parents  will 
thus  never  lose  time,  as  it  is  advantageous  on  account  of 
the  examinations  to  enter  at  once.  Thorough  teaching. 
No  cramming  all&iued."'^ 

The  second  prospectus  was  accompanied  by  a  list 
of  rules  to  be  observed  by  the  pupils.  This  list 
seems  to  be  an  exercise  upon  the  different  tenses  of 
verbs.     You  shall  see  for  yourself. 

First  comes  the  future  : 

"  I.  When  you  hear  the  bell  at  six  o'clock,  you  will  get 
up  im  mediately : ' ' 

The  next  is  in  the  conditional" 

"  5-  //  y^^^  should  talk  at  table,  you  -'ould  not  get  any 
pudding!'''     (sic). 

Then  comes  a  subjunctive  : 

"14.  //  is  required  that  you  should  never  be  seen  with- 
out a  cravat  in  class  or  at  table." 

To  conclude,  there  is  the  imperative  : 

"  20.  If  you  do  not  feel  very  well,  go  to  Airs.  II." 
(Mrs.  H.  is  the  worthy  wife  of  the  head  of  the 
school.) 

*  I  beg  to  say  that  the  original  prospectus  is  in  my  possession.  ~ 
Max  O'Rell. 


JOHN   BULL   AND    HIS    ISLAND.  169 

A  friend  of  mine,  a  schoolmistress,  had  a  plate 
put  upon  her  door,  with  the  inscription  :  Establish- 
ment for  young  ladies.  Her  landlord,  a  builder, 
promptly  appeared,  furious.  "  Take  away  that 
plate  immediately,"  he  said  to  his  tenant;  "i  let 
you  my  house  as  a  private  dwelling  :  you  are  de- 
stroying all  the  privacy  of  the  neighbourhood,  and 
my  house  property  will  go  down." 

"  But  you  have  a  plate  upon  your*  own  door," 
remarked  the  lady. 

"I  know  that,"  replied  the  builder;  **but  my 
business  is  respectable,  at  any  rate." 

Among  the  shopkeeping  classes,  the  word  school- 
master raises  a  scornful  smile. 

Tlie  wtyds  teacher,  tutor,  governess,  are  for  them 
synonymous  with  poor  devil,  broken-down  folk.  Eng- 
land owes  this  to  her  indifference  towards  education, 
and  to  Charles  Dickens,  who,  in  his  writings  did  his 
utmost  to  lower  the  dignity  of  the  schoolmaster. 
His  intention  was  to  chastise  those  thousands  of 
ignorant  men  who  kept  schools,  ill-treated  the 
children,  caned  them  unmercifully,  and  saved  appear- 
ances by  going  about  in  a  long  black  coat  and 
a  white  neckcloth.  But  he  went  too  far,  and  the 
people  see  Wackford  Squeers  in  every  school- 
master. 

You  may  read  every  day  in  the  newspapers 
advertisements  like  the  following  : 

"  A  cook  wanted  ;  wages  ^^25." 

"Wanted,  a  governess,  able  to  teach  English, 
French,  drawing  and  music;  salary  ^20." 

It  is  merely  board  and  lodging  that  the  gener- 
ality of  advertisers  offer  to  a  governess  : 


170  JOHN   BULL   AND    HIS   ISLAND. 

"A  comfortable  home  offered  to  a  governess 
who  would  be  willing  to  undertake  the  education  of 
three  young  children."     No  mention  of  salary. 

Proprietors  of  private  schools  usually  procure 
their  teachers  through  a  scholastic  agency. 

When  you  require  a  place  as  tutor  {place  is  the 
word  employed),  you  apply  to  a  scholastic  agent. 
No  need  tcf  produce  any  diploma  or  certificate ; 
you  state  what  you  know,  and  what  you  can  teach  ; 
that  is  all  that  is  necessary. 

I  know  a  young  Frenchman  who  one  day  applied 
to  one  of  these  gentlemen.  "  I  shall  not  be  able  to 
find  you  a  place,  sir,  unless  you  undertake  to  teach 
some  other  subject  in  addition  to  French,"  said  the 
agent  to  him.      "Can  you  draw?" 

"  Yes,  a  little  ;  I  think  I  could  give  elementary 
drawing  lessons." 

"  Elementary  !  "  exclaimed  the  agent  :  "  do  not  say 
elementary.  You  teach  drawing  ;  very  good.  Do 
you  play  the  piano  ?  " 

"  I  could  play  Ati  Clair  de  la  Lune,  and  I  can  read 
my  notes  pretty  well." 

**  Very  good.  Don't  you  think  you  could  play  the 
Marseillaise  ?  The  Marseillaise  is  a  great  favourite 
in  this  country." 

"With  one  finger,  perhaps." 

"You  will  do  capitally;  I  engage  you;  I  shall 
write  to  the  schoolmaster  to-day  ;  make  your  prep- 
arations for  starting  to-morrow." 

He  did  start  the  next  day,  and  what  is  more 
surprising  than  this  singular  interview,  is  that  my 
young  friend  suited  admirably. 


JOHN   BULL  AND   HIS  ISLAND.  IJl 

I  m^^self  have  had  some  small  experience  of  the 
scholastic  agent.  About  ten  years  ago,  I  obtained 
through  the  medium  of  an  agency  an  interview  with 
a  Yorkshire  schoolmaster,  who,  as  you  will  see, 
wanted  a  gentleman  who  could  make  himself  thor- 
oughly useful. 

I  told  the  reverend  gentleman  (for  he  was  a  clergy- 
man) that  I  wished  to  perfect  myself  in  the  English 
language  ;  that  I  was  ready  to  teach  French  to  his 
pupils  ;  that  I  did  not  expect  a  large  salary,  but 
should  require  a  little  time  to  myself  for  study.  On 
hearing  the  Avords  :  I  do  not  expect  a  large  salary,  the 
reverend  gentleman  smiled,  evidently  a  smile  of  sat- 
isfaction. "  I  offer  you  thirty  pounds  a  year,"  he 
said  to  me,  "  board  and  lodging  ;  you  will  only  have 
your  laundress's  bill  to  pay." 

"Will  you  kindly  tell  me  what  my  duties  will 
be  ?  "  I  inquired. 

"  We  get  up  at  six.  You  will  have  to  look  after 
the  boys  while  they  dress,  and  you  will  stay  with 
them  in  the  schoolroom  until  breakfast  time  at  eight 
o'clock.  After  breakfast,  you  will  take  them  for  a 
walk  till  half-past  nine.  The  morning  classes  are 
held  from  half-past  nine  to  one  o'clock.  The  sub- 
jects that  I  shall  expect  you  to  teach  are  Greek, 
L,atin,  French,  mathematics,  drawing,  music,  and 
dancing  :  English  history  and  geography  I  teach 
myself/' 

At  this  prospect  of  having  to  teach  the  piano  and 
the  mazurka,  I  grew  reflective,  but  I  begged  the 
gentleman  to  continue. 

"At  one  o'clock  we  dine,"  he  resumed,  "and  at 
two,  the  afternoon  classes  begin,  and  last  till  five 


1/2  JOHN    BULL   AND    HIS   ISLAND. 

At  five  we  have  tea.  After  tea,  you  will  take  the 
boys  out  Avails' ing  until  seven.  From  seven  to  eight 
you  will  see  that  they  prepare  their  lessons  for  the 
following  day.  At  a  quarter-past  eight,  we  partake 
of  bread  and  butter  or  cheese,  and  at  half-past  eight 
the  boys  go  to  bed." 

"  They  have  richly  earned  it,"  thought  I. 

I  rose  to  take  my  hat,  and  was  about  to  politely 
take  leave  of  this  constructor  of  well-filled  time- 
tables, when  he  stopped  me  and  smilingly  inquired  : 
"  Couldn't  you  also  teach  a  little  German  ? " 

"With  pleasure,  I'm  sure,"  I  said;  "but  what 
time  should  I  have  to  cook  the  dinner  ?  "  And,  with- 
out waiting  to  see  the  effect  that  my  remark  must 
have  produced  upon  the  man,  I  left  cured  of  the 
scholastic  agency  for  ever. 

A  few  weeks  later,  I  engaged  myself  in  the  school 
of  a  worthy  man  who  consented  to  make  me  work 
three  hours  a  day  only,  on  condition  that  I  should 
require  no  salary.  I  left  him  at  the  end  of  a  month  : 
his  wife,  who  got  drunk  every  Saturday,  one  day 
threw  a  pot  of  beer  in  my  face. 

I  resolved  to  give  up  teaching,  and  went  as  a 
boarder  to  a  school  w^here  I  was  to  pay  eight  pounds 
a  month.  This  school  enjoyed  a  very  good  reputa- 
tion :  the  French  master  was  a  Swiss  ;  the  piano  was 
taught  by  a  German,  singing  by  an  Italian,  and  the 
piano-tuner  was  a  Pole  :  Noah's  ark  on  a  small  scale. 
I  knew  English  tolerably  well  by  this  time  :  at  the 
end  of  a  few  months,  I  could  write  and  speak  it  to 
my  satisfaction  ;  I  was  thinking  of  leaving.  My  new 
master  probably  guessed  my  intention,  and  one  fine 
morning  took  me  aside  and  said  to  me    "  You  speak 


JOHN   BULL   AND    HIS    ISLAND.  173 

English  very  well ;  I  should  advise  you  next,  if  you 
wish  to  perfect  yourself,  to  teach  French  to  English 
pupils  ;  it  will  enable  you  to  compare  the  two  lan- 
guages better,  and,  if  it  is  your  intention  to  take  up 
teaching  as  a  profession,  it  will  be  excellent  practice 
for  you.  If  you  like,  I  will  allow  you  without  chang- 
ing our  money  arrangements,  without  your  paying 
anything  extra,  to  practise  upon  my  own  pupils." 
It  was  easy  to  see  what  this  clever  man  of  business 
wanted  to  do  :  he  would  send  away  the  Swiss,  and 
instead  of  having  to  pay  a  French  mastei,  by  this 
plan  he  would  have  one  who  would  pay  him  eight 
pounds  a  month.      It  was  quite  clear  and  very  clever. ' 

I  had  been  upon  the  point  of  teaching  my  native 
language  for  thirty  pounds  a  year  ;  I  had  taught  it 
for  nothing  a  year  ;  now  I  was  in  danger  of  having  to 
pay  for  teaching  it  ;  the  situation  was  getting  tragic. 
I  ran  and  packed  up  my  traps.    Je  cows  encore. 

The  under-master  in  these  schools  is  a  drudge, 
especially  the  French  one.  He  must,  before  all 
things,  meet  the  approbation  of  the  scholars.  Woe 
betide  him  if  there  is  a  decision  between  himself  and 
one  of  the  pupils  to  be  made.  A  child  who  leaves 
is  not  easily  replaced  ;  con?petition  is  too  great  :  but 
he,  poor  fellow,  if  he  had  to  go,  there  would  be  ten 
others  ready  to  fill  his  place  the  day  after.  He 
knows  it,  and  puts  up  wuth  the  ill-treatment  of  these 
merciless  young  rascals.  If  the  pupils  insult  him, 
or  cannot  be  made  to  work,  he  makes  no  complaint, 
all  the  blame  would  fall  upon  him. 

The  principal  himself  never  has  anything  but 
praises  for  his  pupils.  His  reports  to  the  parents 
are  admirable.     If  he  were  to  say  that  a  hoy  was  not 


1/4  JOHN   BULL   AND    HIS   ISLAND. 

making  progress,  the  parents  would  take  their  child 
away  the  term  after.  If  he  complained  to  a  father 
of  the  want  of  intelligence  in  his  boy,  he  would  be 
told  that  he  was  paid  to  give  him  some. 

As  a  rule,  in  England,  when  a  pupil  is  successful 
in  his  studies,  it  is  put  down  to  his  intelligence  and 
hard  work  ;  when  he  is  lazy  and  learns  nothing,  it  is 
owing  to  his  having  a  bad  master. 

Charles  Dickens,  in  his  preface  to  "  Nicholas 
Nickleby,"  thus  expresses  himself  upon  the  subject 
of  private  schools  :  "  Of  the  monstrous  neglect  of 
^education  in  England,  and  the  disregard  of  it  by  the 
State  as  a  means  of  forming  good  or  bad  citizens, 
and  miserable  or  happy  men,  private  schools  long 
afforded  a  notable  example.  Although  any  man 
who  had  proved  his  unfitness  for  any  other  occupa- 
tion in  life  was  *  free,  without  examination  or  quali- 
fication, to  open  a  school  anywhere  ;  although  prepa- 
ration for  the  functions  he  undertook  was  required 
in  the  surgeon,  in  the  chemist,  the  attorney,  the 
butcher,  the  baker,  the  candlestick  maker,  the 
whole  round  of  crafts  and  trades,  the  schoolmaster 
excepted  ;  and  although  schoolmasters,  as  a  race, 
were  the  blockheads  and  impostors  who  might  nat- 
urally be  expected  to  spring  from  such  a  state  of 
things,  and  to  flourish  in  it,  the  Yorkshire  school- 
masters were  the  lowest  and  most  rotten  round  in 
the  whole  ladder.  Traders  in  the  avarice,  indiffer- 
ence, or  imbecility  of  parents,  and  the  helplessness 
of  children  ;  ignorant,  sordid,  brutal  men,  to  whom 
few  considerate  persons  would  have   entrusted   the 

*  He  is  still. 


JOHN   BULL   AND    HIS   ISLAND.  175 

board  and  lodging   of   a   horse   or   a  dog I 

make  mention  of  the  race,  as  of  the  Yorkshire 
schoolmasters,  in  the  past  tense.  Though  it  has  not 
yet  finally  disappeared,  it  is  dwindling  away." 

Very  slowly,  I  might  add. 

A  young  Frenchman  of  my  acquaintance  went  to 
spend  a  month  in  a  provincial  school,  to  learn  a  little 
English  and  teach  a  great  deal  of  French,  for  no 
salary  I  need  not  add.  The  day  after  his  arrival,  the 
following  advertisement  appeared  in  the  paper  of 
the  neighbouring  town  :  "  Mr.  R.,  assisted  by  resi- 
dent and  visiting  masters,  gives  a  thorough  education 
at  moderate  charges."  My  young  compatriot  hap- 
pened to  be  the  only  assistant  master  of  the  establish- 
ment ;  but  he  was  resident,  since  he  resided  in  the 
house,  and  he  could  also  be  said  to  be  visiting,  as  he 
was  only  on  a  visit.  So  there  was  nothing  absolutely 
untrue  about  the  puff. 

English  people  are  very  great  upon  words  ;  lying 
is  unknown.  I  was  one  day  travelling  with  an  Eng- 
lish bishop.  We  were  five  in  the  compartment.  On 
arriving  at  a  station,  we  heard  a  cry  :  "  Five  minutes 
here  !  "  My  lord  bishop  immediately  began  to  spread 
out  on  the  seats  travelling  bag,  hat-box,  rug,  papers, 
etc.  A  lady  presented  herself  at  the  door,  and 
asked  :  "  Is  there  any  room  here  ?"  "  All  the  seats 
are  occupied,"  replied  the  bishop. 

When  the  poor  lady  had  been  sent  about  her  busi- 
ness, Ave  called  his  lordship's  attention  to  the  fact 
that  there  were  only  five  of  us  in  the  carriage,  and 
that,  consequently  all  the  seats  were  not  engaged. 
"  I  did  not  say  that  they  were,"  answered  my  lord ; 
"  I  said  they  were  occupied." 


XXIV. 

fh*  Politics  of  the  Young — The   Squire — The  Universities  in  Par 

liament. 

Thanks  to  the  barrack — I  had  almost  said  prison — 
system  practised  in  our  lycc'es,  French  boys  are  Re- 
pubhcans,  Radicals,  Socialists.  They  dream  wild 
dreams  of  liberty,  they  gasp  for  freedom,  revolu- 
tionary heroes  are  the  heroes  they  worship. 

Youth,  alas  !  is  a  complaint  that  does  not  linger 
about  us  long.  How  many  of  those  red-hot  Radicals 
I  knew  in  my  schooldays  now  sm^  or  a  pro  nobis  in 
the  street  processions  of  the  Holy  Virgin  ! 

English  boys,  who  enjoy  the  most  complete  free- 
dom at  home  and  at  school,  are  ultra-Conservatives. 
Their  patriotism  makes  them  so.  The  Liberals  have 
the  reputation  of  aiming  at  reforms  ;  now,  to  admit 
that  reforms  are  wanted,  is  to  admit  that  England  is 
not  perfection,  and  it  would  be  difficult  to  persuade 
her  youthful  sons  that  such  was  the  case. 

You  will  hear  English  people  say,  "  Conservative 
as  an  undergraduate." 

The  greater  part  of  these  young  men  are  sons  of 
noblemen  or  of  coimtry  squires. 

The  squire,  as  a  rule,  is  nothing  out  of  the  common 
in  the  way  of  intellect :  he  has  only  his  birth  to  thank 
for  the  position  he  occupies.     His  days  are  passed 


JOHN   BULL   AND    HIS   ISLAND.  I// 

in  eating  and  drinking,  smoking  and  hunting,  and 
taking  up  his  rents.  It  strikes  him  as  very  strange 
that  there  should  be  people  who  are  not  pleased  with 
their  lot.  "  What  discontented  people  there  are  in 
the  woi-ld,  to  be  sure  !  "  he  exclaims,  as  he  i-eads  in 
his  newspaper  the  account  of  a  strike  or  a  manifes- 
tation in  favour  of  such  and  such  a  reform.  Reforms 
indeed !  He  considers  that  things  are  very  well 
ordered  in  this  best  of  worlds. 

The  squire  is  the  magistrate  of  his  parish  ;  he  is  in 
the  commission  of  the  peace.  A  poor  beggar  tried 
to  excuse  himself  one  day  before  his  squire,  by  ex- 
claiming, "I  must  live,  your  honour." 

"  I  do  not  see  the  necessity  for  that,"  replied  the 
magistrate,  indignant  at  such  presumption. 

The  Universities  of  Oxford  and  Cambridge,  which 
each  send  two  members  to  Parliament,  are  repre- 
sented by  Conservative  landlords  or  manufacturers. 
The  Liberals,  it  is  true,  present  their  most  distin- 
guished professors  as  candidates  ;  but  they  are 
almost  ignominiously  defeated.  This  is  how :  To 
be  an  elector  of  one  of  these  Universities,  it  is  suffi- 
cient to  have  lived  three  years  at  Oxford  or  Cam- 
bridge, and  to  have  obtained  the  degree  of  Bachelor 
of  Arts,  wdiich,  three  years  later,  is  changed  for  that 
of  Master  of  Arts,  merely  upon  the  payment  of  cer- 
tain fees.  So  all  these  sons  of  gentlemen  leave 
college  with  the  degree  of  B.A.  ;  with  this  difference, 
it  must  be  explained,  that,  while  part  of  them  are 
bachelors  of  first,  second,  or  third  class,  the  others 
are  not  classed  at  all.  The  former  become  profes- 
sors, barristers,  etc.  You  find  them  in  after  life 
occupying  the  highest  positions.     The  latter  return 

12 


1/8  JOHN   BULL   AND    HIS   ISLAND. 

home  to  shoot  over  papa's  property  or  go  into  the 
Church.  Bachelors  with  honours  and  bachelors 
without  honours  are  in  the  proportion  of  one  to  six. 

This  is  why,  at  the  University  elections,  the  Con- 
servative candidate  wins  by  such  a  large  majority. 

An  English  savant^  member  of  the  University  of 
Oxford,  and  a  staunch  Conservative,  told  me  one  day 
that  he  always  refrained  from  voting  for  his  ahna 
mater,  because,  said  he,  "  The  Conservative  candi- 
date I  don't  like  ;  and  I  cannot  accept  the  political 
opinions  of  the  Liberals." 

I  know  another,  also  a  great  scholar,  and  also  a 
Conservative,  who  invariably  votes  for  tlie  Liberal 
candidate.  "  It  is  a  preposterous  thing  that  our 
great  centres  of  learning  should  be  represented  in 
Parliament  by  noodles  of  countr)'  squires,  or  big 
tradesmen  !  "  Whenever  he  has  to  vote,  he  sacrifices 
his  personal  opinions  to  the  honour  of  his  University. 

London  University,  the  students  of  which  belong, 
as  a  rule,  to  Liberal-minded  families,  sends  a  Liberal 
representative  to  Parliament.  They  generally  choose 
a  savant.  A  few  years  ago,  it  was  Mr.  Robert  Lowe  ; 
at  present  it  is  Sir  John  Lubbock,  the  banker, 
naturalist,  and  philanthropist. 

The  Chancellors  and  Rectors  of  the  Universities 
are  dukes,  marquises,  or  earls  :  it  is  the  Marquis  of 
Salisbury  at  Oxford  ;  the  Duke  of  Devonshire  at 
Cambridge  ;  Earl  Granville  in  London.  If  you  hap- 
pen to  be  born  a  lord  in  England,  you  are  born  a 
legislator,  diplomatist,  artist,  learned  man — anything 
you  like.  In  Figaro's  time,  the  nobleman  could 
play  the  guitar  from  his  birth  :  that  was  more  won- 
derful still. 


XXV. 

The  Court — The  Queen  and  the  Royal  Family — German  Princes 
to  spare — The  Political  Parties — The  House  of  Lords — The 
House  of  Commons. 

Of  all  metliods  of  making  itself  conspicuous,  the 
court  of  St.  James's  has  adopted  the  most  economical  : 
that  of  being  conspicuous  by  its  absence.  The 
Queen  does  not  spend  more  than  a  fortnight  of  the 
year  in  London.  She  passes  four  months  at  Bal- 
moral, in  the  midst  of  her  farmers  ;  three  months  in 
a  very  simple  country  house  in  the  Isle  of  Wight, 
and  the  rest  of  her  time  at  Windsor.  She  gives  two 
balls  and  two  concerts  a  year  at  Buckingham  Palace, 
in  London.  This  palace  is  now  scarcely  inhabited, 
except  by  rats  ;  and  the  Empress  of  Russia,  who 
passed  a  month  there  in  1875,  suffered  terribly  from 
rlieumatism  all  the  while.  At  all  the  receptions  the 
Prince  of  Wales  and  his  charming  Princess  replace 
the  Queen.  They  do  it  admirably.  Amiable,  and  un- 
grudging of  their  trouble,  all  the  year  round  they 
may  be  seen  journeying  hither  and  thither,  laying 
foundation  stones  of  churches  or  other  important 
buildings,  opening  hospitals,  bridges,  colleges,  piers, 
etc. 

The   Princess  of  Wales,  mother  of  great  sons  al- 
most  old  enough  to  be   married,  but  with  a  sweet, 


l80  JOHN    BULL   AND    HIS   ISLAND. 

ever-girlish  face,  is  the  idol  of  the  English  people. 
You  see  her  portraits  in  the  shop  windows,  taken 
with  a  little  cat  in  her  arms,  or  her  baby  on  her 
back  :  that  will  tell  you  what  she  is.  Impossible  to 
be  other  than  good  with  such  a  face  as  that. 

I  know  of  no  position  in  this  world  more  enviable 
than  that  of  Her  Britannic  Majesty  :  the  deep  at- 
tachment of  a  great  nation,  the  empire  of  300,000,000 
souls,  the  finest  royal  domain  in  the  world,  little  or 
nothing  to  do,  complete  security,  magnificent  reve- 
nues, and  not  the  slightest  responsibility. 

The  Court  is  more  German  than  English  :  the 
Queen  give  posts  and  places  in  it  to  most  of  the 
German  Princes  whom  Prince  von  Bismarck  has  re- 
lieved of  the  care  of  their  own  states.  It  is  thought 
that  the  Prince  of  Wales  will  change  all  this  one 
day.  The  Queen  has  married  her  daughters  to  Ger- 
mans :  the  eldest  will  be  Empress  of  Germany  ;  the 
second  was  married  to  the  Grand-Duke  of  Hesse 
Darmstadt  (she  died  in  1878)  ;  the  third  to  Prince 
Christian  of  Schleswig-Holstein,  who  lives  at  the 
expense  of  John  Bull.  The  Duke  of  Connaught 
married  the  daughter  of  Prince  Frederick-Charles 
and  the  Duke  of  Albany  the  Princess  of  Waldeck 
Pyrmont,  to  whom  the  English  Parliament  allows  a 
grant  of  six  thousand  pounds  a  year. 

The  rest  of  the  German  Princes  are  generals,  ad- 
mirals, governors  of  the  Queen's  castles,  etc.  They 
are  very  inoffensive,  for  that  matter,  and  neve» 
harmed  anybody,  not  even  Her  Majesty's  enemies. 

One  of  the  most  formidable  is  His  Serene  High- 
ness Prince  Leiningen,  late  captain  of  the  Queen's 
yacht.     His  duties  consisted  in  crossing  the  Solent 


JOHN   BULL   AND    HIS   ISLAND.  l8l 

four  times  a  year,  a  voyage  of  twenty  minutes'  dura- 
tion. He  managed,  on  one  occasion,  to  run  down  a 
sailing  boat  in  broad  daylight,  and  drown  three  per- 
sons, who  were  imprudent  enough  to  cruise  in  the 
same  waters  as  this  experienced  navigator.  This 
most  serene  fresh-water  sailor  drew  a  salary  of 
;^2,ooo  a  year,  and  has  lately  been  promoted  to  the 
grade  of  rear-admiral 

There  are  two  great  political  parties  in  England 
— the  Liberals  and  the  Conservatives  :  the  i-est  are 
perfectly  insignificant ;  a  change  of  ministry  is  ef- 
fected in  a  few  liours.  When  a  newly  elected  House 
of  Commons  is  not  composed  of  the  same  elements 
as  the  one  which  it  replaces,  when  the  majority  has 
become  the  minority,  the  Queen  dismisses  each  min- 
ister, and  passes  their  portfolios  to  their  successors. 
In  this  way,  the  ministries  of  Disraeli  and  Gladstone 
have  alternated  every  six  years,  for  almost  a  quarter 
of  a  century.  It  is  very  seldom  that  a  ministry  re- 
mains ni  power  more  than  six  years  :  John  Bull 
likes  to  give  his  ministers  a  change  now  and  again, 
as  a  recompense  for  their  zeal,  and  devotion  to 
their  country. 

The  members  of  the  Royal  Family  are  careful  to 
refrain  from  talking  politics.  The  Queen's  sons  are 
the  leaders  of  Society,  but  you  never  see  them  at  a 
political  meeting  or  dinner.  They  abstain  from  vot- 
ing in  the  House  of  Lords,  whenever,  by  giving  their 
votes,  they  might  be  showing  the  slightest  prefer-^ 
ence  for  either  party. 

The  late  Prince  Albert  once  took  the  liberty,  at  a 
public  dinner,  to  allude  to  politics.     The  papers  of 


l82  JOHN    BULL   AND    HIS   ISLAND. 

the  following  day  handled  him  so  severely  that  he 
was  quite  cured,  and  never  ventured  on  the  subject 
again.  The  Englishman  likes  everybody  to  keep  his 
proper  place,  and  I  feel  convinced  that,  if  the  Royal 
Family  were  to  take  it  into  their  heads  to  meddle  in 
politics,  their  days  in  this  country  would  be  num- 
bered. 

A  political  career  is  a  thankless  one.  The  Queen's 
sons  keep  clear  of  politics,  and  they  are  well  inspired 
to  do  so  :  thus  they  keep  their  prestige.  They  are 
the  first  gentlemen  of  England,  received  with  acclam- 
ations in  public,  in  private  as  free  as  the  humblest 
of  Her  Majesty's  subjects.  Their  path  is  not  strewed 
with  crackers,  and  when  they  go  to  bed,  they  have 
no  fear  of  finding  boxes  of  dynamite  under  their 
pillows.  Lucky  Prince  of  Wales  !  Poor  Czar  of  all 
the  Russias  I  So  long  as  there  is  a  monarchy,  there 
will  be  one  in  England  :  a  monarchy  capable  of  giv- 
ing lessons  in  liberty  to  more  than  one  Republic. 

The  existence  of  the  House  of  Lords  is  an  insult 
to  the  common  sense  of  the  English  nation.  The 
nobility  is  here  essentially  a  moneyed  nobility,  a  mon-t 
opoly  of  property,  which  the  law  of  primogeniture- 
ship,  only  existing  in  the  aristocracy,  concentrates 
into  a  few  hands.  Nine-tenths  of  the  English  peers 
would  be  unable  to  produce  any  quarters  farther  back 
than  the  last  century.  The  heroes  that  are  ennobled 
are  heroes  of  money  ;  English  pale-ale  and  double- 
stout  have  more  earls  and  barons  to  answer  for  than 
all  the  other  national  products. 

The  seats  in  the  House  of  Lords  are  hereditary, 
and  there  is  s.lways  a  crushing  majority  on  the  Cun- 


JOHN   BULL   AND    HIS   ISLAND.  183 

servative  side.  But  the  House  is  not  destitute  of 
common  sense,  and  knows  quite  well  that  its  exis- 
tence entirely  depends  upon  its  keeping  quiet  and 
not  attracting  public  attention. 

The  two  legislative  bodies  never  clash,  and  yet, 
when  the  Liberals  are  in  power,  the  Lords  could 
throw  out  all  the  bills  passed  by  the  Commons. 
They  take  care  to  do  nothing  of  the  kind.  No 
matter  how  radical  a  measure  the  Commons  may 
pass,  the  Lords  do  not  reject  it.  They  begin  by 
making  a  little  opposition,  it  is  true  ;  some  young 
viscounts  may  go  so  far  as  to  talk  about  their 
independence,  but  it  does  not  last  long;  the  few 
able  and  clear-sighted  members  in  this  venerable 
assembly  are  there  to  give  the  key-note. 

The  leader  of  Her  Majesty's  opposition  generally 
terminates  the  debates  with  an  allusion  to  his 
patriotic  desire  to  do  nothing  that  shall  disturb  the 
peace  of  the  country  he  loves.  He  will  give  his 
vote,  he  says,  although  doubting  very  much 
whether  the  law  in  question  is  going  to  benefit  the 
nation.  He  only  hopes  it  will  not  do  too  much 
harm  and  resigns  himself.  The  day  the  House  of 
Lords  rejects  any  important  measure  passed  by  the 
Lberals,  it  will  have  dealt  its  own  death-blow. 

The  two  great  political  parties  are  of  about  equal 
strength.  The  result  is,  that  the  Opposition  always 
united,  well  directed,  and  well  disciplined,  is  for- 
midable. It  acts  the  part  of  a  break  upon  the 
wheels  of  the  Ministry's  chariot.  Everything  the 
Government  proposes  is  condemned  in  advance ; 
every  war  it  undertakes  is  unjust,  and  every  treaty 
of  peace  it  signs  is  cowardly.     If  a  battle    is  lost, 


1 84  JOHN   BULL   AND    HIS   ISLAND. 

the  Government  has  all  the  blame  to  bear ;  if  a 
victory  is  won,  it  is  thanks  to  the  bravery  of  the 
army.  It  never  has  done  and  never  can  do 
anything  worth  praising.  But  the  task  of  the 
Government  is  relatively  an  easy  one  ,  in  all  im- 
portant questions  they  can  rely  on  their  majority ) 
not  one  will  desert  them.  No  parliamentary  groups 
to  be  humoured,  because  they  possess  the  power  of 
menacing  the  existence  of  the  Ministry  at  evei-y 
turn.  \Vheir  a  Liberal  wishes  to  absent  himself  for 
a  session,  he  tries  to  find  a  Conservative  who  is 
desirous  of  doing  the  same  They  pair  off,  and  in 
tlie  event  of  a  division,  the  absence  of  neither 
gentleman  gives  the  majority  to  his  opponents. 
The  Irish  party,  however,  grows  more  national  every 
day,  and  the  Government  may,  before  long,  have  to 
reckon  seriously  with  it. 

The  most  perfect  order  reigns  throughout  the 
House  of  Commons  during  the  debates.  The 
Liberals  and  Conservatives  r-espect  and  esteem  each 
other.  Personalities  are  impossible,  thanks  to  the 
excellent  system  which  obliges  every  orator  to 
address  his  remarks  to  the  speaker',  and  never  to 
call  any  member  by  name.  "Sir,"  a  member  will 
say  to  the  speaker,  "the  honourable  member  for 
X.  wishes  to  know  whether  I,'' etc.;  or,  "the  noble 
lord,  the  member  for  N.,  is  labouring  under  a  delu- 
sion," etc 

The  room  is  small  and  rectangular  ;  the  two  par- 
ties sit  facing  each  other,  and  with  their  hats  on  ;  a 
member  only  bares  his  head  while  he  is  speakmg. 
No  tribune  to  mormt :  in  front  of  the  speaker  is  a 
table  ;  each  orator,  as  he  wishes  to  speak,  approaches 


JOHN   BULL   AND    HIS   ISLAND.  185 

it,  and,  with  his  back  turned  to  his  own  party,  speaks, 
not  to  the  House,  but  to  liis  opponents,  whom  he 
seeks  to  convince,  without  ever  succeeding,  it  is 
needless  to  add.  Parliament  signifies  *'  a  place 
where  one  talks,"  from  the  French /ar/d?r. 

If  the  English  member  of  Parliament  is  calm  and 
strictly  parliamentary  in  the  House  of  Commons,  he 
is  nothing  of  the  kind  in  the  meetings  at  which  he 
addresses  his  constituents.  There  he  is  violent,  with- 
out a  fear  of  being  called  to  order  for  the  expressions 
he  uses  ;  he  denounces  his  opponents  in  the  plainest 
terms.  At  such  meetings  I  have  heard  Gladstone 
spoken  of  as  an  old  villain,  a  hoary-headed  scoun- 
drel and  traitor,  a  miscreant  abandoned  of  God  and 
man.  Disraeli  as  a  Venetian  Jew,  a  Jerusalem  don- 
key. The  right  honourable  gentlemen  were  none, 
the  worse  for  it. 

In  the  spring  of  1883,  one  of  the  larger  evening 
papers  thus  expressed  itself  on  the  recovery  of  Her 
Majesty  from  a  sprain  :  "  Her  Majesty  has  had  a  se- 
rious accident,  there  is  no  disguising  the  fact ;  but 
the  prayers  of  an  entire  nation  have  succeeded  in 
obtaining  from  the  Providence  that  watches  over 
our  beloved  Sovereign,  an  earlier  convalescence  than 
we  dared  to  hope  for.  The  recovery  of  Her  Majesty 
will  bring  back  joy  to  every  fireside,  and  happiness 
to  the  heart  of  every  true-born  Englishman  ;  it  will 
put  an  end  to  those  moments  of  solemn  anxiety 
which,  alas  !  have  already  been  of  too  long  dura^ 
tion." 

No  one  has  a  greater  respect  and  admiration  than 
myself  for  Her  Majesty,  and  the  feelings  of  deep- 


1 86  JOHN    BULL   AND    HIS   ISLAND. 

rooted  affection  she  inspires  in  her  people  ;  but  hvfl 
whole  columns  of  abject  platitudes,  on  the  subject  of 
a  sprain,  will  prove  that  the  ceremony  of  kissing 
hands  is  not  the  only  exercise  of  the  kind  which  cer> 
tain  subjects  of  Her  Britannic  Majesty  indulge  in. 


XXVI. 

Sunday  in  London — Edifying  Sights — Difference  between  a  Walk- 
ing-stick and  an  Uml)rella — Street  Preacliers — The  Blind  Beg- 
gar of  Paris  and  the  Blind  Beggar  of  London — Prince  Bismarck 

whistles  on  the  Sabbath. 

Ik  you  would  keep  a  really  lasting  impression  of  St. 
Petersburg,  vis.it  it  at  the  time  of  the  year  when,  to 
save  your  nose  from  freezing,  you  must  rub  it  with 
snow  every  five  minutes. 

If  you  would  keep  an  impression  of  London  that 
nothing  would  efface  from  your  memor)^  come  and 
see  it  on  a  Sunday,  and,  if  possible,  let  it  be  one 
Sunday  when  there  is  a  good  east  wind  blowing. 

All  the  shops  are  closed  ;  not  a  creature  stirring; 
miles  of  deserted-looking  streets  everywhere ;  the 
gray  houses  and  the  gray  sky  seem  to  meet  and  min- 
gle. Around  and  above,  look  where  you  will,  the 
same  sad  tint  encircles  you  and  strikes  chill  to  the 
marrow  of  your  bones.     It  gives  you  cold  shivers. 

Here  and  there  you  may  see  a  few  roughs  leaning, 
pipe  in  mouth,  against  the  walls  of  the  public- 
houses,  waiting  for  the  doors  to  be  opened.  These 
dens  are  only  opened  from  one  o'clock  to  three  in 
the  afternoon,  and  from  six  to  eleven  in  the  evening, 
on  Simdays.  At  a  quarter  to  eleven,  in  the  morning, 
the  bells  besrin  to  rinsr.  The  sound  of  these  bells  is 
harsh  and  extremely  irritating.     I   have  asked  and 


1 88  JOHN   BULL   AND    HIS   ISLAND. 

been  told  the  reason  why  peals  of  bells  arc  scarcely 
ever  heard.  The  churches,  built  about  as  strongly  as 
the  houses,  would  never  stand  them. 

Now  you  see  a  sight  that  the  English  say  excites 
the  envy  of  the  whole  world  :  the  English  nation  go- 
ing to  cluux'h  or  chapel.  Each  one  carries  his  books 
in  his  hand ;  a  Bible,  a  prayer-book,  and  a  hymn- 
book.  The  bigger  these  books  are,  the  better  it 
looks.  Some  are  of  great  size,  and  they  are  carefully 
displayed  as  much  as  possible.  They  have  not  to 
be  carried  far,  it  is  no  superhuman  task,  the  churches 
are  about  as  numerous  as  the  public-houses,  and 
everybody  has  one  close  to  his  door. 

We  will  not  enter  the  churches  just  yet.  we  will 
reserve  that  for  a  special  chapter. 

The'  service  concludes  at  half-past  twelve  or  one, 
and  the  English  nation  then  returns  home  to  dine. 
The  evening  service  commences  at  seven. 

During  the  interval  the  English  nation  takes  a 
nap.  The  fathers  and  mothers,  half  asleep  in  their 
easy  chairs,  take  a  few  nuts  and  a  glass  of  port.  No 
visiting  on  Sundays.  The  children  read  the  Bible  or 
the  true  stories  of  some  wonderful  conversion  out  of 
a  tract,  that  has  been  left  at  the  door  by  an  agent  of 
the  Bible  -Society. 

A  good  Englishm.an  never  goes  out  during  clnirch 
time.  If  he  does  not  mean  to  go  to  church,  he 
alleges  a  slight  indisposition  as  an  excuse.  There 
are  very  few  who  admit  that  they  are  not  church- 
goers ;  there  are  none  that  boast  of  it. 

One  Sunday  morning,  whilst  I  was  on  a  visit  to 
an  English  family,  1  proposed  a  walk.  A  son  of  the 
family  offered  to  accompany  me.     As  we  were  leav- 


JOHN    BULL   AND   HIS   ISLAND.  1 89 

ing  the  house,  he  noticed  that  I  had  taken  my  walk- 
ing stick.  "Take  an  umbrella,"  said  he;  "  it  looks 
more  respectable." 

Those  agents  of  the  Bible  Society,  with  their 
tracts,  are  terrible  bores.  You  meet  with  them  in 
omnibuses,  in  trains,  in  the  streets,  everywhere. 
With  a  hypocritical  smile  they  beg  you  to  accept  a 
tract.  Your  best  plan,  if  j-ou  would  quickly  have 
done  with  them,  is  to  accept  the  piece  of  paper,  put 
it  in  your  pocket,  and  say  :  "  Thank  you."  I  met 
with  one  once  who  made  quite  a  dead  set  at  me. 

"Sir,"  he  began,  "God  commands  every  man  to 
repent." 

"  I  thank  you  for  reminding  me,  but  I  had  not 
forgotten  it,"  I  said. 

"  Ah  !  sir,  you  are  a  foreigner  ;  seek  salvation,  save 
your  soul,  whilst  you  are  in  tliis  country." 

**  Have  you  the  keys  of  Paradise,  then  ? "  I  asked 
him  ;  "  and  is  that  your  calling  to  bother  people  in 
this  manner  ?     Leave  me  alone." 

"Sir,  believe  me,  all  men  are  sinners.  David  him- 
self was  one." 

"  I  agree  with  you,"  I  exclaimed. 

"Yes,  but  he  repented." 

"  There  was  room  for  repentance." 

"  The  repentance  should  make  us  forget  the  crime." 

"  Exactly.  But  why,  then,  do  you  hang  your 
criminals?"  I  added,  for  I  was  beginning  to  be 
amused  at  the  turn  the  conversation  had  taken. 

"  Because,  by  executing  them,  whilst  they  are  in 
a  state  of  repentance,  we  send  them  to  Paradise.  If 
we  set  them  at  liberty,  they  would  return  to  a  state 
of  sin." 


I90  JOHN   BULL   AND    HIS    ISLAND. 

"  Now,  tell  me,"  said  I  to  him,  "  for  you  seem  to 
be  an  intelligent  man,  would  you  receive  in  your 
house,  at  your  table,  with  your  good  wife  and  chil- 
dren, a  man  who  had  caused  the  death  of  another  in 
order  to  make  love  more  easily  to  Lis  wife,  but  who 
had  afterwards  repented  ?  Would  you  not  welcome 
more  warmly  one  who  had  never  had  occasion  to  re= 
pent  of  such  crimes  as  those  of  David?  " 

"Ah!  "he  replied,  "your  levity  is  out  of  place. 
Laugh  at  me,  if  you  like  ;  we  shall  see  in  the  end 
who  will  be  on  the  laughing  side.  We  shall  meet 
again  at  the  Last  Day."  After  giving  me  this  ap- 
pointment he  left  me,  with  a  look  more  jeering  than 
Christian,  I  am  sorry  to  say. 

I  have  often  heard  that  these  agents  do  not  make 
any  proselytes,  especially  among  foreigners,  in  Eng- 
land. I  do  not  believe  a  word  of  it.  I  could  tell  of 
some  wonderful  conversions  myself.  One  day  I  re- 
ceived the  following  letter  : — "  Sir,  having  lost  my 
situation  in  France,  I  came  over  to  England,  where 
I  have  gained  an  honest  livelihood  for  several  years 
past.  These  explanations  will  make  you  as  well  ac- 
quainted with  my  private  life  as  I  am  myself.  Since 
my  arrival  in  England,  I  have  completely  changed 
my  ways.  I  know  the  Lord,  I  have  become  a  Prot- 
estant and  a  total  abstainer.  Unfortunately,  I  am 
now  in  bad  health.  Compatriots  in  a  foreign  land 
should  help  one  another,  and  if  you  would  lend  me 
a  few  pounds,  or  even  one,  you  would  oblige  me 
greatly,  and  I  should  be  exceedingly  thankful  to 
you.  Be  kind  enough  to  receive,  with  my  antici- 
pated thanks,  the  expression,  etc." 

Among  the  other  Sunday  heroes,  the  street  preach 


JOHN    BULL   AND   HIS    ISLAND.  191 

ers  must  not  be  forgotten.  They  are  generally  con- 
ceited workmen,  who,  having  received  from  Heaven 
a  mission  to  go  and  convert  their  fellow-creatures, 
relate  their  experience  of  life  to  the  public  :  how 
they  were  once  nothing  but  miserable  sinners,  how 
they  have  seen  the  error  of  their  ways  and  become 
converted,  and  how  easy  it  is  for  others  to  do  like- 
wise. They  take  up  their  stand  in  some  open  place, 
in  parties  of  five  or  six,  accompanied  by  one  or  two 
old  maids.  Here,  more  than  anywhere,  old  maids 
offer  to  God  that  which  they  have  had  no  chance  of 
giving  to  men  :  a  pure  and  loving  heart.  A  circle 
is  formed,  and  a  monotonous  hymn  sung  :  this  is  to 
attract  the  passers-by.  One  of  the  party  steps  for- 
ward, takes  off  his  hat,  collects  his  thoughts  in  it, 
and  commences  his  discourse.  The  theme  never 
varies.  "  My  dear  friends,  death  is  at  hand  :  are 
you  prepared  to  meet  it  ? "  A  crowd  soon  gathers 
round  silent  and  respectful.  It  is  not  a  religious 
silence,  but  a  simple  mark  of  that  boundless  respect 
which  is  entertained  in  England  for  tlie  liberty  of 
meeting.  The  men  smoke  their  pipes  and  listen  ; 
it  is  the  only  distraction  to  be  had  on  Sundays,  so 
they  avail  themselves  of  it.  Tliey  do  not  pray,  but 
on  the  other  hand,  neither  do  they  mock.  The  ser- 
mons are  dull  twaddle,  and  generally  full  of  personal 
experiences.  "  My  dear  friends,"  said  one  of  these 
street  evangelists,  "I  am  happy  to  be  able  to  say 
that  I  am  saved,  that  I  am  now  on  my  way  to 
Heaven.  A  month  ago,  I  could  not  have  said  this, 
I  was  the  slave  of  the  devil."  Indeed,  it  was  easy  to 
see  he  was  telling  the  truth,  for  le  diable  sur  son  nez 
at'ait  marque  ses  exploits. 


192  JOHN    BULL   AND    HIS    ISLAND. 

The  only  street  orators,  who  are  occasionally 
amusing,  are  the  agents  of  the  Temperance  Society. 
They,  I  quite  believe,  do  -some  good.  They  speak 
to  the  workman  in  language  that  he  can  understand  ; 
they  relate  anecdotes.  The  audience  are  allowed  to 
ask  questions,  to  raise  objections  ;  answers  are 
always  forthcoming.  "  Here,  I  say,  I've  got  some- 
thing to  say  to  you,  just  listen  a  minute,"  said  one 
of  them  to  a  ragged  workman,  who  was  listening  one 
day  at  a  meeting  of  this  kind.  "  You  carry  your  money 
to  the  publican,  who  makes  you  drunk  every  day, 
don't  you  ?  You  and  your  wife  and  children  star\'e, 
while  the  publican  has  his  joint  of  beef,  or  rather  jour 
joint  of  beef — for  your  money  paid  for  it — roasting 
under  your  nose  ;  only  look  at  your  worn-out  boots  : 
who  is  there  that  would  give  twopence  for  every- 
thing you  have  on  your  back  ?  I  am  a  workman 
like  you  ;  but  look  at  my  good  strong  boots ; 
there,  look  at  my  warm  woollen  waistcoat,  look  at 
my  overcoat.  To-day,  when  I  go  home,  I  shall  find 
a  good  dinner  ready  ;  it  isn't  the  publican,  it's  my 
missus  that  cooks  it.  I  drink  water,  that  explains 
the  difference.     Why  don't  you  do  the  same  ?  " 

"  What !  "  replied  the  man  thus  harangued,  "  can- 
not a  man  take  a  glass  with  a  friend  ? " 

"Yes,  to  be  sure.  Drink  one,  if  you  like;  but  if  you 
are  not  satisfied  with  one  glass,  sign  this  pledge,  as  I 
did,  and  bind  yourself  to  drink  nothing  but  water." 

These  people,  thus  abruptly  appealed  to,  do  not 
lose  their  temper.  Some  reply  with  a  laugh,  "Well, 
old  fellow,  you  can  drink  water  if  you  enjoy  it.  I 
am  off  to  drink  a  glass  of  grog  to  your  health."  1 
have  seen  others  go  to  the  register  and  sign. 


JOHN   BULL   AND    HIS   ISLAND.  1 93 

Tliese  missionaries  are  not  all  completely  disin- 
terested. Some  of  them  make  a  fine  income  by 
preaching  temperance.  I  know  of  one,  an  Ameri- 
can, who  wanted  fifteen  guineas  for  delivering  half- 
an-hour's  address  at  the  Crystal  Palace.  The  same 
individual  asked  for  a  hundred  and  fifty-five  pounds 
for  himself  and  his  wife,  who  were  v/anted  to  preach 
temperance  at  Brighton  for  ten  days:  and,  what  is 
still  more  astonishing,  is  that  he  got  it. 

The  Americans  are  business-like  people.  For  that 
matter,  foxes  will  fare  well  so  long  as  there  are  geese 
to  be  plucked. 

John  Bull  will  never  be  able  to  be  very  proud  of 
his  Sabbath  so  long  as  the  public-houses  are  kept 
open  on  Sundays.  There  exist  fifteen  hundred  thou- 
sand persons  in  London  whose  existence  is  a  problem, 
and  whom  no  church  seeks  to  attract  to  itself.  The 
aristocracy,  the  upper  and  lower  middle  classes,  all 
go  to  church  and  chapel ;  the  lower  classes  go  to  the 
tavern  and  get  drunk.  "  Let  us  close  the  public- 
houses  on  Sundays,"  cry  the  T^iberals  and  the  philan- 
thropists. "  Let  us  keep  them  open,"  cry  the  Con- 
servatives, bishops,  and  archbishops  in  their  van. 
"Our  museums,  picture-galleries,  theatres,  concerts, 
everything  is  closed  on  Sundays,"  said  a  Conserva- 
tive tome.  "We  have  our  comfortable  homes  and 
clubs  where  we  can  pass  the  day  without  finding  the 
want  of  other  attractions ;  but  the  people  of  the 
lower  classes,  living  in  wretched  hovels,  what  dis- 
tractions have  they?  It  is  to  our  own  interest,  more- 
over, to  leave  them  the  only  one  they  possess  and 
appreciate.  So  long  as  they  are  stupefied  with  drink 
they  will  give  us  no  trouble.     The  day  we  close  the 


194  JOHN   BULL   AND    HIS   ISLAND. 

public-houses  of  London  on  Sundays  we  shall  have 
a  terrible  revolution." 

Ay,  terrible  indeed  !  One  look  at  the  faces  of  the 
women  and  men  who  frequent  these  drink-shops 
will  persuade  you  how  terrible.  The  thought  makes 
one  shudder. 

Bible  or  beer  ;  Gospel  or  gin  :  no  other  choice  on 
Sundays  ;  no  intermedium  in  this  country  of  con- 
trasts.* It  is,  as  M.  Taine  says,  "  Paradise  or  Hell : 
no  Purgatory  in  England." 

Children  must  not  play  on  Sundays.  I  once  saw 
two  little  creatures  of  six  or  seven  playing  with 
oranges  in  the  street.  A  gentleman  went  up. to 
them  and  gave  them  a  severe  reprimanding  for  their 
naughtiness.  Old  maids  are  terrible  on  Sundavs  ; 
woe  be  to  the  children  who  fall  into  their  clutches  on 
the  Sabbath  ! 

In  France,  blind  beggars  play  the  flute.  In  Eng- 
land, they  read  aloud  from  a  Bible  printed  in  raised 
characters,  over  which  they  pass  their  fingers.  I  am 
inclined  to  suspect  more  than  one  of  them  of  know- 
ing a  chapter  of  Jeremiah  by  heart,  and  of  calmly 
reciting  it,  whilst  sprawling  their  fingers  over  the 
pages  for  form's  sake. 

You  will  see  the  walls  of  all  waiting  rooms  covered 

*  "  In  Kilburn,  a  most  respectable  suburb  of  London,  there  are 
25  places  of  worship  and  35  public-houses.  On  November  26th, 
1882,  between  the  hours  of  six  and  eight  in  the  evening,  5,570  per- 
sons entered  the  places  of  worsliip,  and  5,591  tlie  public-liouses." — 
Daily  N'ezus.  "A  Public  Worship  and  Public-house  Census  af 
Kilburn." 


JOHN    BULL   AND    IILS    ISLAND.  195 

with  sheets  of  scriptural  texts  printed  in  large  type. 
Go  to  the  most  private  places  for  men,  you  will  see 
in  front  of  you,  "God  sees  thee,"  or  "Make  haste; 
God  waits  for  thee."  Turn  which  way  you  will, 
Bible  here,  Bible  there,  Bible  everywhere. 

Prince  Bismarck,  who,  it  appears,  has  a  remark- 
able talent  for  whistling,  landed  at  Hull  one  Sunday, 
"  I  had  just  set  foot  for  the  first  time  on  English 
soil,"  he  related.  "  I  began  to  whistle  as  I  went 
along  the  street.  An  Englishman  stopped  me  and 
said  :  '  Sir,  be  good  enough  to  stop  whistling.' — 
'Stop  whistling?  What  for?' — 'Because  it  is  for- 
bidden. It  is  Sunday  ' '  I  made  up  my  mind  not  to 
stay  in  Hull  another  hour,  and  I  started  for  Edin- 
burgh." Poor  Prince  Bismarck  !  Wliat  an  inspira- 
tion !  Fancy  going  to  Scotland  to  escape  from  the 
form  Qf  tyranny  that  is  called  in  England  the  observ- 
ance of  the  Lord's  Day  !  Scotland,  the  land  of  John 
Knox  and  the  cradle  of  Puritanism  !  Bismarck  has 
never  boasted  of  the  success  he  met  with  as  a  Sab- 
bath Day  whistler  in  Scotland. 


XXVII. 

The  Churches  and  Chapels— Different  Ways  of  KneeHng — Confes- 
sion made  easy — Second-hand  Sermons — Grand  Spectaculai 
Services — Collections — Shipwrecked  Mariners. 

In  France,  Catholics  go  to  church,  Protestants  to 
their  temples,  and  Jews  to  the  synagogue. 

In  England,  members  of  the  English  Church  go 
to  church,  members  of  dissenting  sects  go  to  chapel. 

That  which  strikes  a  stranger,  as  he  enters  Eng- 
lish places  of  worship,  is  the  total  absence  of  poor 
people.  I  make  an  exception,  however,  in  favour  of 
the  Catholic  churches. 

The  English  Church,  who  counts  among  her  fol- 
lowers the  aristocracy,  the  well-to-do  classes,  and 
about  half  of  the  middle  classes,  all  of  them  be- 
lievers in  the  doctrine  that  the  other  world  will  be 
peopled  with  all  sorts  and  conditions  of  men,  yet 
none  of  them  anxious  to  commence  acquaintance, — 
does  not  seek  to  attract  the  poor.  You  never  see  a 
shabbily-dressed  person  in  a  church,  especially  not  in 
a  London  one.  The  pastor  takes  care  that  his  flock 
shall  be  in  good  company. 

As  to  the  dissenting  churches  or  chapels,  their 
reason  is  a  different  one.  The  English  Church  is 
supported  by  the  State,  but  each  chapel  is  kept  up 
at  the  expense   of  the  faithful.     The  ministers  live 


JOHN   BULL   AND    HIS   ISLAND.  197 

upon  subscriptions,  collections,  presents,  and  invi- 
tations to  dinner.  Here  again  the  uselessness  of  the 
poor  is,  alas  !  only  too  apoarent. 

Divine  service  is  always  conducted  in  English,  and 
consists  principally  of  extracts  from  the  Bible,  and 
of  hymns.  More  than  half  the  service  is  passed  in 
singing,  very  loudly  and  terribly  out  of  tunc.  Row- 
land Hill  was  anxious  to  see  an  improvement  in 
church  music.  He  did  not  see,  he  said,  why  Satan 
should  have  the  sole  privilege  of  listening  to  good 
music.  It  is  certain  that  the  Creator  does  not  hear 
much  in  the  Engl'.sh  churches,  except,  perhaps,  in 
the  cathedrals. 

The  manner  in  which  the  faithful  kneel  is  rather 
remarkable.  The  prayer-book  contains  very  precise 
directions  on  the  subject,  however  ;  it  even  employs 
a  tautological  phrase  which  it  is  impossible  to  inter- 
pret in  different  ways  :  "  Here  the  congregation  shall 
kneel  on  their  knees." 

But  the  faithful  kneel  on  something  else  ;  they 
sit  down  ;  then,  with  their  elbows  on  their  knees, 
the  upDer  part  of  the  body  thrown  forward,  and  their 
faces  buried  in  their  hands,  they  look,  from  a  cer- 
tain distance,  as  if  they  were  all  on  their  knees. 
Not  a  bit  of  it.  They  are  cheating  ;  they  are  all 
comfortably  seated. 

The  service  commences  with  the  general  confes- 
sion. The  whole  congregation  joins  in  this  general 
examination  of  the  conscience,  this  universal  con- 
fession, a  confession  all  the  more  convenient  that 
there  is  no  need  for  each  sinner  to  specify  his  sins  ; 
it  is  the  same  confession  for  the  greatest  sinner  as 
for  the  most  innocent  child  :  "We  have  left  undone 


198  JOHN   BULL   AND    HIS   ISLAND. 

those  things  which  we  ought  to  have  done,  and  we 
have  done  those  things  we  ought  not  to  have  done." 
Very  easy  and  convenient,  as  you  see.  John,  in  his 
religion,  as  in  all  other  matters,  throws  overboard 
everything  that  is  inconvenient,  or  that  might 
prevent  his  career  from  being  rapid  and  prosper- 
ous. 

The  confession  over,  the  pastor  gives  the  absolu- 
tion. This  moral  cleaning  being  thus  concluded  to 
the  general  satisfaction,  the  troop  of  spotless  lambs 
begin  to  express  their  sense  of  relief  in  all  manner 
of  keys. 

The  service  terminates  with  a  sermon,  a  very  short 
sermon,  which  rarely  lasts  more  than  a  quarter  of 
an  hour.  As  every  one  attends  the  church  he  likes 
best,  and  as  there  are  many  to  choose  from — Heaven 
knows  how  many  ! — it  is  politic  to  render  the  ser- 
vice agreeable.  The  sermon  is  generally  a  very  or- 
dinary production  of  the  mind,  and  rendered  still 
more  tiresome  to  listen  to  by  being  read.  "  How 
do  the  Church  of  England  clergy  think  I  am  going 
to  remember  tlieir  sermons,  when  tliey  cannot  re- 
member them  themselves?"  said  a  Presbyterian 
friend  to  me  one  day.  This  practice  of  reading  a 
sermon  is  accounted  for  in  tlie  follovv-ing  way  :  the 
members  of  the  English  Church  differ  upon  certain 
questions  of  dogma,  and  a  clergyman  may  preach  a 
sermon  that  is  displeasing  to  his  flock.  If  complaint 
were  made  to  the  bishop  of  the  diocese,  the  clergy- 
man might  be  called  upon  to  produce  the  sermon  in 
question.  That  is  why  he  writes  it,  and  reads  it 
from  the  pulpit.  I  see  another  explanation  of  the 
practice  in  the  following  advertisement  :  "For  sale 


JOHN   BULL   AND    HIS    ISLAND.  199 

fifty  sermons  at  moderate  prices.  Apply,  by  letter, 
to  Clericus,  Post  Office,  Manchester." 

I  find  in  Punch  the  following  skit  :  "  Ah  !  sir,  what 
wicked  people  there  are  in  the  world  I  "  says  a 
worthy  old  woman  to  her  vicar:  "  they  say  you  stole 
your  sermons." 

"  Tell  them  it  is  not  true,  my  good  woman.  The 
sermons  are  mine.     .     .     .     I  paid  for  them." 

The  Catholic  Church,  with  cathedrals,  cardinals, 
archbishops,  bishops,  and  a  numerous  clergy  to  sup- 
port at  her  own  expense,  is  obliged  to  turn  every- 
thing to  account  in  order  to  make  the  two  ends  meet. 

On  Sundays,  after  service,  the  Catholic  churches 
give  concerts.  These  concerts  are  advertised  in  the 
newspapers,  along  with  the  theatres.  You  pay  six- 
pence in  the  central  nave,  and  threepence  in  the  side 
seats.  On  grand  occasions,  when  there  is  to  be  a 
solemn  procession  through  the  church,  with  a  bishop 
in  the  rear,  the  prices  are  doubled  :  seats  are  a  shil- 
ling, and  sixpence.  You  receive  a  ticket  on  entering, 
just  as  you  do  at  a  theatre.  These  concerts  are  all 
the  more  patronised  because  on  Sundays  there  is  no 
competition.  Besides,  some  of  them  are  excellent: 
there  is  a  full  orchestra,  singers,  and  every  attraction. 

The  British  public  puts  itself  quite  at  its  ease  at 
these  concerts  ;  yoti  see  that  it  has  come  to  church 
to  hear  some  music.  It  is  ratlier  peculiar  to  see  the 
assembly  turn  their  backs  to  the  altar,  so  that  they 
may  face  the  orchestra,  which  is  usually  placed  in  a 
gallery,  over  the  main  entrance. 

I  once  accompanied  to  vespers,  at  the  Catholic 
cathedral  of  Southwark,  a  lady  with  strongly  pro- 
nounced  Protestant  views.     When  she  saw  the  or- 


200  JOHN    BULL   AND    HIS    ISLAND. 

chestra  and  the  lustres  blazing  with  light,  the  poor 
lady  was  all  bewildered  :  "  Do  you  think,"  she  whis- 
pered to  me,  when  we  were  seated,  "that  I  should 
look  ridiculous,  if  I  were  to  say  my  prayers?  " 

I  must  say  that  the  services  at  Westminster  Abbey 
and  St.  Paul's  Cathedral  are  very  imposing :  the 
chants  are  splendid,  simple,  but  grand.  The  sermons 
are  preached  by  the  greatest  orators  of  the  Anglican 
Church. 

In  the  dissenting  churches,  the  prayer-book  is  dis- 
pensed with  ;  no  liturgy  is  followed.  The  minister 
conducts  the  service  unaided  :  he  prays  for  the  con- 
gregation, gives  out  the  hymns,  preaches  a  sermon, 
and  concludes  by  passing  round  his  hat.  The  pro- 
ceeds of  the  collection  are  for  him  ;  they  are  his  fees. 

The  collection  is  the  hinge  upon  which  the  ser- 
vice turns  ;  the  clou,  as  we  should  say  in  French  the- 
atrical slang.  In  France,  the  collection  is  made  in  a 
deep  bag  ;  in  England,  the  thing  is  managed  more 
cleverly:  a  little  salver  is  used.  He  w^ho  would  be 
capable  of  putting  a  button  into  a  bag,  feels  bound 
to  display  a  piece  of  silver  on  a  plate  that  is  passed 
to  him.  The  collector  himself,  on  emerging  from 
the  vestry,  places  a  few  half-crowns  and  other  silver 
coins  on  the  plate,  just  as  a  consulting  doctor  places 
a  sovereign  on  his  desk  :  it  is  to  tell  you,  "  That  is 
what  is  expected  of  you."  When  you  go  to  mass  in 
France,  you  must  be  there  in  time  for  the  Gospel  or 
it  does  not  count ;  in  England,  you  must  be  there  be- 
fore the  collection.  In  England  you  will  never  find 
a  clergyman  committing  the  blunder  of  having  the 
collection  made  at  the  door,  after  the  service,  when 
every  one  is  in  a  hurry  to  go,  and  very  few  pay   any 


JOHN    BULL   AND    HIS   ISLAND.  20I 

attention  to  the  bag  that  is  lield  out  to  them.  Whilst 
you  are  all  in  your  places,  the  plate  is  passed  in  front 
of  you  ;  your  right  hand  neighbour  presents  it  to  you, 
and  you,  in  turn,  pass  it  to  the  person  on  your  left, 
and  so  on  to  the  end  of  the  seat,  where  the  collector 
takes  it,  in  order  to  hand  it  on  to  the  next  row  of 
seats.  Impossible  to  close  your  eyes  and  pretend  to 
be  asleep,  as  French  church-goers  are  liable  to  do, 
when  the  priest  simply  rattles  his  bag  at  the  end  of 
the  pew. 

The  following  English  joke  is  stale,  worn-out :  Two 
shipwrecked  sailors  are  just  giving  up  all  hope  of 
being  rescued.  "What  can  we  do  to  recommend 
our  souls  to  God  ?"  says  one  of  them  ;  "  we  do  not 
know  any  prayer  ;  we  do  not  know  any  hymn  :  what 
in  the  world  could  we  do  ?  " 

"  Let  us  make  a  collection,"  suggests  the  other. 


XXVIII. 

The  Religions  of  England. 

If  Christianity  consists  in  going  to  church,  and  pass- 
ing one's  life  in  discussing  theological  questions, 
then  John  Bull  is  mightily  Christian  ;  if  piety  con- 
sists in  quarrelling  over  the  dogmas,  instead  of  prac- 
tising the  principles,  of  religion,  then  the  piety  of 
John  is  unequalled.  The  craze  for  religion  has  come 
to  a  mania.  Let  the  religion  be  good  or  bad,  no 
matter  which  it  is,  or  what  it  is,  it  is  better  than  none 
at  all.  In  France,  we  boast  of  our  foibles,  even  of 
many  that  are  not  to  be  found  in  us  ;  in  England, 
people  boast  of  their  virtues,  especially  those  they 
do  not  possess.  The  Frenchman  is  the  braggart  of 
vice,  the  Englishman  is  the  hypocrite  of  virtue. 

Here,  every  religious  belief  is  respected  :  the  Sha- 
kers, the  Ranters,  the  Peculiar  People,  the  Salvation-  . 
ists  ;  Free-thinkers  alone  are  excluded.  When  a  man 
wants  a  situation,  he  presents  himself  to  his  future 
master  as  a  Christian  ;  he  advertises,  in  the  papers, 
as  a  total  abstainer.  If,  in  France,  he  recommended 
himself  as  a  good  Christian,  he  would  receive  a  per- 
emptory kick  that  would  send  him  straight  to  para- 
dise. 

Every   Englishman   worships   God  after  his    own 
fashion.     There  exist  here  183  religious  sects  certi- 


JOHN   BULL   AND    HIS   ISLAND.  203 

fied  to  the  Registrar-General.  Each  of  these  sects 
lias  naturally  found  the  truth.  As,  unfortunately, 
no  one  has  ever  yet  come  back  from  the  other  world 
to  tell  what  he  has  seen,  it  seems  probable  that  there 
are  yet  many  days  of  peace  and  plenty  in  store  for 
the  dervishes,  the  fakirs,  and  others  who  live  in  in- 
dolence upon  the  superstition  and  simplicity  of  the 
world. 

Christianity  is  admirable.  Christians  are  often  far 
from  being  so.  I  have  more  esteem  for  the  Mahom- 
etans who  follow  up  their  religion.  Show  me  the 
Christian  who  loves  his  neighbour  as  himself;  who, 
when  he  has  been  struck  on  the  right  cheek,  holds 
out  his  left  ;  who  forgives  his  enemies  ;  who  does 
not  ask  for  that  whicn  has  been  taken  from  him  ; 
who  does  unto  others  as  he  would  have  others  do 
unto  him. 

Religion  has  lost  much  of  its  purity  and  sincerity 
from  ceasing  to  be  private,  especially  in  England, 
where,  owing  to  competition,  to  free  trade  applied 
to  religious  matters,  every  one  aims  at  appearing 
better  than  his  neighbours.  Pray,  not  standing  in 
the  synagogues,  nor  upon  the  house-tops,  but  enter 
'into  thy  closet  and  shut  the  door,  say  the  Scriptures. 
How  many  do  so  ? 

The  Romanists  swear  by  the  Pope  ;  the  Protes- 
tants by  Luther  and  Calvin  ;  the  Puritans  by  John 
Knox  ;  the  Wesleyans  by  John  Wesley  ;  the  Salva- 
tionists by  Ml-.,  Mrs.,  and  Miss  Booth  ;  the  Baptists 
of  London  crowd  to  the  Tabernacle  to  listen  eagerly 
to  every  word  that  falls  from  Mr.  Spurgeon's  lips. 
Some  people  believe  themselves  saved,  if  they  can 
only  touch   the  coat  tails  of  Mr.  Moody  or  Mr.  San- 


204  JOHN   BULL   AND    HIS   ISLAND. 

key.  I  have  seen  women  press  the  hands  of  these 
evangelists,  as  they  passed  through  the  throng  on 
their  way  to  the  platform  where  they  were  going  to 
preach,  and  go  away  happy.  When  Catholics  have 
the  gout,  it  is  to  Our-Lady-of-Lourdes,  to  Oiir-Lady- 
of-la-Salette,  to  la  bienheuretise  Germaine  that  they 
go  :  it  is  Sainte-Barbe  that  they  implore  to  protect 
them  from  thunder  and  lightning  ;  the  Deity  would 
seem  to  play  a  very  secondary  part  in  the  religion  of 
all  these  people. 

In  England,  religion  is  the  idea  rhat  absorbs  and 
dominates  all  others.  The  prisons  and  mad-houses 
are  full  of  religious  maniacs. 

In  France,  when  we  hear  of  a  great  crime  having 
been  committed,  we  exclaim  :  "Where  is  the  wo- 
man?" In  England,  sift  the  matter,  and  you  will 
find  a  chapel.  There  are  few  bankrupts,  really 
w^orthy  of  the  name,  that  have  not  built  a  church  or 
chapel  to  win  the  confidence  of  investors,  and,  may- 
be, also  to  offer  to  God  a  little  of  that  which  they 
had  taken  from  men.  On  opening  my  newspaper 
to-day,  I  read  of  an  individual  charged  with  fraud- 
ulent bankruptcy.  A  worthy  old  lady,  who  had 
trusted  him  with  stock,  states  that  she  had  every 
confidence  in  the  accused,  especially  since  the  day 
when  he  had  refused  a  box  at  the  Opera,  which  she 
had  offered  him,  with  the  remark  that  he  was  happy 
to  be  able  to  say  that  he  had  never  set  foot  in  such  a 
place. 

We  all  remember  the  sickening  professions  of 
religion  that  Guiteau,  the  vile  and  cowardly  assassin 
of  poor  President  Garfield,  made  day  after  day  for 
months. 


JOHN   BULL   AND    HIS   ISLAND.  20$ 

The  United  Kingdom  possesses  two  State 
Churches.  The  Anglican  Church,  in  England  and 
Wales  ;  the  Presbyterian  Church,  in  Scotland.  The 
State  Church  was  abolished  in  Ireland  in  1869. 

The  Anglican  Church  is  under  the  jurisdiction  of 
two  Archbishops,  the  Archbishop  of  Canterbury, 
primate  of  England,  and  the  Archbishop  of  York, 
and  of  thirty  bishops.  The  two  archbishops  and 
twenty-four  bishops  have  seats  in  the  House  of  Lords. 

The  Scotch  Church  is  under  the  jurisdiction  of  a 
General  Assembly,  composed  of  clerical  and  lay 
deputies,  and  presided  over  by  a  Moderator  elected 
annually  by  the  Assembly,  and  a  High  Lord  Com- 
missioner appointed  each  year  by  the  Crown. 

The  principal  Nonconformist  Churches  are  :  the 
Methodists,  the  Baptists,  the  Unitarians,  the  Con- 
gregationalists  or  Independents,  and  the  Wesleyans- 

Out  of  a  population  of  81,000,000  souls  in  the 
United-Kingdom  and  the  Colonies,  18,000,000  be- 
long to  the  Anglican  Church  ;  14,500,000  are  Meth- 
odists ;  13,500,000,  Catholics  ;  10,250,000,  Presby- 
terians ;  8,000,000,  Baptists  ;  6,000,000,  Congrega- 
tionalists  ;  1,000,000,  Unitarians  :  and  about  10,000,- 
000  belong  to  different  sects  of  less  importance. 

I  will  give  a  complete  list  of  the  hundred  and 
eighty  odd  religious  sects  of  England,  reserving  for 
special  chapters  those  that  present  features  of  spe- 
cial interest. 

Here  is  the  list  : — 

The  Advent  Christians  ; 

The  Apostolics  ; 

The   Arminians,  who,  contrar}'  to   the    Calvinists, 
believe  that  Christ  saved  ail  men  by  His  death  ; 


206  JOHN   BULL   AND    HIS   ISLAND. 

The  Baptists,  who  deny  that  baptism  should  be  re- 
ceived before  the  Christian  has  arrived  at  years  of 
discretion  and  made  a  profession  of  faith  ; 

The  Baptized  Believers  ; 

The  Believers  in  Christ,  or  Christians  who  believe 
that  their  prayers  alone  can  influence  the  decrees  of 
Divine  Providence  ; 

The  believers  in  the  Divine  Visitation  of  Joanna 
Southcott,  prophetess  of  Exeter,  of  whom  I  shall 
speak  in  another  chapter  ; 

The  Benevolent  Methodists  ; 

The  Bible  Christians,  or  Bryanites,  a  sect  founded 
in  1 8 15,  by  William  O' Bryan,  and  who  receive  the 
Communion  seated  ; 

The  Bible  Defence  Association  ; 

The  Blue  Ribbon  Army,  whose  followers  drink  no 
alcoholic  drink  ; 

The  Brethren,  who  practise  no  rites  and  have  no 
ministers  :  they  baptize  one  another.  According  to 
them,  to  preach  the  Gospel  is  to  deny  that  the  Sa- 
viour's work  is  finished  ; 

The  Calvinists,  who  deny  the  real  presence  ; 

The  Calvinistic  Baptists,  who  find  the  opinions  of 
Wesley  too  Arminian  ; 

The  Catholic  Apostolic  Church  ; 

The  Christians,  owning  no  name  but  the  Lord 
Jesus  ; 

The  Christians,  who  object  to  be  otherwise  desig- 
nated ; 

The  Christian  Believers  ; 

The  Christian  Brethren  ; 

The  Christian  Disciples  ; 

The  Christian  Eliasites  ; 


JOHN   BULL   AND    HIS   ISLAND.  20/ 

The  Christian  Israelites ; 

The  Christian  Mission  ; 

The  Cliristian  Teetotalers  ; 

The  Christian  Temperance  Men  ; 

The  Christian  Unionists  ; 

The  Christadelphians  ; 

The  Anglican  Church,  itself  divided  into  High 
Church,  Low  Church,  and  Broad  Church.  The  ad- 
herents of  the  High  Church,  otherwise  the  Ritualists, 
adopt  the  confessional  and  grand  ceremonies  in 
imitation  of  the  Roman  Catholics.  They  do  not  re- 
cognise the  authority  of  the  Pope,  and  can  therefore 
receive  the  financial  support  of  the  State.  The  Low 
Church  affects  an  almost  Calvinistic  austerity,  and 
is  very  much  akin  to  Dissent.  The  Broad  Church 
party  does  not  believe  in  hell,  and  counts,  amongst 
its  clergy,  some  of  the  most  illustrious  names  of 
England.  The  late  Dean  Stanley  was  the  brightest 
ornament  of  the  Broad  Church. 

The  Church  of  Scotland  ; 

The  Scotch  Free  Church  ; 

The  Church  of  Christ ; 

The  Church  of  the  People  ; 

The  Church  of  Progress  ; 

The  Congregationalists,  who  appoint  their  own 
ministers,  and  have  no  settled  form  of  prayer  ; 

The  Countess  of  Huntingdon's  Connexion,  who 
adopt  the  Church  of  England  Prayer-Book.  This 
sect  was  founded  in  the  eighteenth  century  by  Lady 
Selina  Shirley,  Countess  of  Huntingdon  ; 

The  Covenanters,  a  sect  founded  in  tlie  sixteenth 
century,  when  the  Protestant  Church  was  thought 
to  be  in  danger ; 


208  JOHN   BULL   AND    HIS   ISLAND. 

The  Coventry  Mission  Band ; 

The  Danish  Lutherans  ; 

The  Disciples  in  Christ  ; 

The  Disciples  of  Jesus  Christ.  Sect  founded  by 
Mr.  Thomas  Campbell,  who  proposed  to  set  aside 
all  questions  of  dogma,  and  to  establish  the  unity  of 
the  Chvxrch  of  the  Saviour  ; 

The  Eastern  Orthodox  Greek  Church  ; 

The  Eclectics  ; 

The  Episcopalian  Dissenters  ; 

The  Evangelical  Free  Church  ; 

The  Evangelical  Mission  ; 

The  Evangelical  Unionists,  founded  in  Scotland 
in  1840,  by  Mr.  James  Morrison,  who  proclaimed  the 
greatest  sin  to  be  a  want  of  belief  that  Christ  has, 
by  His  death,  saved  all  men,  past,  present,  or  un- 
born ; 

The  Followers  of  the  Lord  Jesus  Christ  ; 

The  Free  Catholic  Christian  Church  ; 

The  Free  Christians  ; 

The  Free  Christian  Association  ; 

The  Free  Church; 

The  Episcopal  Free  Church  ; 

The  Free  Church  of  England  ; 

The  Free  Evangelical  Christians  ; 

The  Free  Grace  Gospel  Christians  ; 

The  Free  Gospel  and  Christian  Brethren  ; 

The  Free  Gospel  Church  ; 

The  Free  Gospellers  ; 

The  Free  Methodists  ; 

The  Free  Union  Church  ; 

The  General  Baptists  ; 

The  General  Baptist  New  Connexion  ; 


JOHN   BULL  AND    HIS   ISLAND.  209 

The  German  Evangelical  Community  ; 

The  Strict  Baptists ; 

The  German  Lutherans  ; 

The  German  Roman  Catholics  ; 

The  Glassites,  a  sect  founded  in  Scotland,  in  the 
eighteenth  century,  by  John  Glass,  into  whicli  mem- 
bers are  admitted  with  a  holy  kiss.  The  followers 
of  John  Glass  abstain  from  all  animal  food  that  has 
not  been  bled  ; 

The  Glory  Band  ; 

The  Greek  Catholic  Church  ; 

The  Halifax  Psychological  Society  ; 

The  Hallelujah  Band,  whose  services  consist  en- 
tirely of  thanksgiving  ; 

The  Hope  Mission  ; 

The  Humanitarians,  who  deny  the  divinity  of  the 
Saviour  ; 

The  Independents  ; 

The  Independent  Methodists  ; 

The  Independent  Religious  Reformers ; 

The  Independent  Unionists; 

The  Inghamites,  followers  of  Mr,  Benjamin  Ing- 
ham, son-in-law  of  the  famous  Countess  of  Hun- 
tingdon ; 

The  Israelites  ; 

The  Irish  Presbyterian  Church  ; 

The  Jews ; 

The  Lutherans,  who,  contrary  to  the  Calvinists, 
believe  in  the  real  presence  ; 

The  Methodist  Reform  Union  ; 

The  Missionaries  ; 

The  Modern  Methodists  ; 

The  Moravians; 


210  JOHN    BULL   AND    HIS   ISLAND. 

The  Mormons  ; 

The  Newcastle  Sailors'  Society  ; 

The  New  Church  ; 

The  New  Connexion  General  Baptists; 

The  New  Wesleyans  ; 

The  New  Jerusalem  Church  ; 

The  New  Methodists  ; 

The  Old  Baptists  ; 

The  Open  Baptists; 

The  Order  of  St.  Austin  ; 

The  Orthodox  Eastern  Church  ; 

The  Particvilar  Baptists  ; 

The  Peculiar  People,  who  trust  in  Providence  to 
cure  them  of  all  ills  ; 

The  Plymouth  Brethren  ; 

The  Polish  Protestant  Church  ; 

The  Portsmouth  Mission  ; 

The  Presbyterian  Church  in  England,  founded  by 
the  Puritans  ; 

The  Presbyterian  Baptists  ; 

The  Primitive  Congregation  ; 

The  Primitive  Free  Church  ; 

The  Primitive  Methodists  ; 

The  Progressionists  ; 

The  Protestant  Members  of  the  Church  of  Eng- 
and  ; 

The  Protestant  Trinitarians  ; 

The  Protestant  Union  ; 

The  Providence  ; 

The  Quakers  ; 

The  Ranters,  whose  worship  consists  in  jumping 
and  clapping  of  hands  ; 

The  Rational  Christians  ; 


JOHN   BULL   AND    HIS   ISLAND.  211 

The  Reformers  ; 

The  Reformed  Church  of  England  ; 

The  Reformed  Episcopal  Church  ; 

The  Reformed  Presbyterians  or  Covenanters  ; 

The  Recreative  Religionists; 

The  Revivalists  ; 

The  Roman  Catholics  ; 

The  Salem  Society  ; 

The  Sandemanians,  who  are  identical  with  Glass- 
ites,  Mr.  Robert  Sandeman  having  been  the  most 
fervent  follower  of  Mr.  Glass  ; 

The  Scotch  Baptists  ; 

The  Second  Advent  Brethren,  who  wait  for  the 
second  coming  of  the  Messiah  ; 

The  Secularists,  who  believe  that  the  affairs  of 
this  world  should  be  thought  of  before  those  of  the 
next,  and  that  religion  cannot  pretend  to  the 
monopoly  of  what  is  good  and  moral  ; 

The  Separatists,  who  hold  their  goods  at  the  dis- 
position of  brethren  in  distress,  and  refuse  to  take 
oath  ; 

The  Seventh-Day  Baptists  ; 

The  Shakers,  a  sect  founded  by  Ann  Lee,  who  had 
a  divine  revelation,  wherein   it  was  revealed  to   her 
that  the  lust  of  the   flesh  was  the  cause  of  the  de 
pravity  of  man  ; 

The  Society  of  the  New  Church  ; 

The  Spiritual  Church  ; 

The  Spiritualists,  who  believe  they  have  inter- 
course with  the  spirits  of  the  other  world  ; 

The  Swedenborgians,  a  sect  founded  by  Emman- 
uel Swedenborg,  in  1688  ; 

The  Temperance  Methodists  ; 
14 


212  JOHN   BULL   AND   HIS   ISLAND. 

The  Trinitarians  ; 

The  Union  Baptists  ; 

The  Unionists  ; 

The  Socinians,  or  Unitarians,  who  reject  the  doc 
trine    of    the    Trinity,    and    deny    the    divinity   oi 
Christ  :  they  differ  but  little  from  the  Humanitap' 
ans  ; 

The  Unitarian  Baptists  ; 

The  Unitarian  Christians  ; 

The  United  Christian  Church  ; 

The  United  Free  Methodist  Church  ; 

The  United  Presbyterians  ; 

The  Universal  Christians,  whose  belief  is,  that 
God  will  one  day  call  all  Christians  to  Himself, 
whether  they  have  been  good  or  bad  in  this  world  ; 
that  sin  does  not  go  unpunished,  but  is  punished  in 
this  life  ; 

The  Welsh  Calvinists  ; 

The  Welsh  Presbyterians ; 

The  Welsh  Wesleyans  ; 

The  Wesleyans  ; 

The  Wesleyan  Methodists ; 

The  Wesleyan  Reformers  ; 

The  Wesleyan  Reform  Glory  Band  ; 

The  Working  Man's  Evangelistic  Mission. 

Here  ends  the  list  of  salvation  agencies  in  Eng- 
land. If  John  Bull  does  not  go  straight  to  Paradise 
it  will  not  be  his  fault,  as  you  see. 

I  will  now  give  a  few  details  concerning  some  of 
these  sects  that  appear  more  interesting  than  the 
others. 


XXIX. 

More  Religious  Sects  to  follow — No  Popery — Good  Friday — Cal- 
vinism in  Scotland — The  Mormons  of  the  Salt  Lake  Valley — 
Marriage  of  the  Maid  of  Orleans — The  Quakers — The  Shakers 
— Why  do  we  go  to  Church  ? 

New  sects  are  being  founded  every  day.  Let  an 
obscure  minister  discover  a  new  interpretation  of 
some  passage  of  Holy  Scripture,  he  will  soon  attract 
a  congregation,  malce  an  appeal  to  the  pockets  of 
his  adherents — an  appeal  always  responded  to — and 
then  build  his  little  conventicle.  One  often  receives 
a  circular  couched  in  such  terms  as  these  : — "  Sir — 
For  some  time  past  the  want  of  a  new  chapel  has 
been  felt  in  the  neighbourhood.  The  Reverend  Mr. 
X.  is  ready  to  undertake  the  duties  of  pastor  as  soon 
as  the  necessary  funds  for  building  him  a  chapel  have 
been  subscribed."  First  a  little  edifice  in  wood  is 
erected  ;  then  the  collections  swell,  and  zinc  replaces 
wood,  and,  provided  the  zeal  of  the  congregation 
does  not  cool  down,  you  soon  see  a  fine  stone  church 
arise  on  the  spot. 

London  will  soon  possess  a  Theistic  church, 
founded  by  a  gentleman  who,  for  four  or  five  years 
past,  has  been  using  every  argument  in  his  power  to 
prove  that  God  the  Father  alone  should  be  wor- 
shipped. Funds  arrive  but  slowly,  and  the  gentle- 
man  in    question    feels    indignant.      "Theism,"    he 


214  JOHN   BULL   AND    HIS   ISLAND. 

says,  "  has  many  believers  ;  then  why  do  they  not 
frankly  avow  their  belief,  and  come  to  me."  It  ap- 
pears he  has  only  collected  p/^6,ooo,  and  does  not 
consider  it  enough  for  a  building  that  would  be 
worthy  of  the  sect  he  is  called  to  edify. 

There  is  also  being  prepared,  at  the  present  time, 
a  church  of  the  Holy  Apostles,  Avhere  grand  spec- 
tacular performances  will  be  given  by  the  aid  of  an 
orchestra,  professional  singers,  etc.  The  altar  is  to 
be  surrounded  by  gigantic  statues  representing  the 
apostles.  At  the  back,  in  the  midst  of  sombre  mas- 
sive rocks,  will  shine  forth  a  luminous  crucifix.  The 
services  will  be  sung  by  200  choristers,  accompanied 
upon  stringed  instruments,  the  harp  especially.  The 
interior  will  be  illuminated  by  means  of  an  immense 
silver  gilt  cross,  at  the  extremities  of  which  will  be 
electric  lamps.  It  promises  to  be  a  grand  affair,  as 
you  see.  The  organiser  of  these  fotes.  the  itnpresario, 
is  a  nice  young  priest  of  the  Anglican  Church, 
whose  good  looks  obtain  for  him  the  admiration  of 
the  fairer  half  of  his  parishioners. 

Of  all  the  religions  enumerated  in  the  preceding 
chapter,  the  Roman  Catholic  and  Apostolic  is  the 
least  popular.  "  No  Popery  !  "  is  still  the  cry  of  the 
English  people.  The  Quakers,  the  Jumpers,  the  Sal- 
vationists, the  Ranters,  none  of  these  alarm  them  ; 
but  a  black,  shaven  priest  calls  up  memories  of  the 
stake  and  Bloody  Mary.  "  A  scalded  child  dreads 
the  fire,"  say  the  English.  The  hatred  of  popery  is 
pushed  to  the  verge  of  absurdity.  Thus,  for  in- 
stance. Good  Friday  is  considered,  especially  by 
Dissenters,  as   a  day  of   public  rejoicing,  a  kind  of 


JOHN   BULL   AND    HIS   ISLAND.  21 5 

Bank  Holiday  ;  the  great  thing  is  to  do  the  very  op- 
posite of  that  which  is  done  in  Rome.  "  This  is  the 
day  on  which  Jesus  died  :  let  us  spend  it  in  retire- 
ment," we  say  in  France.  "  This  is  the  day  on  which 
Christ  saved  us  :  let  us  rejoice,"  say  the  English.  In 
spite  of  this,  most  English  people  still  abstain  from 
eating  meat  on  Good  Friday. 

To  see  Protestantism  in  all  its  austerity,  you  must 
go  to  Scotland  ;  there  Calvinism  in  all  its  severity  is 
practised.  You  see,  in  Scotland,  trifling  is  not  coun- 
tenanced ;  nothing  is  done  by  halves  ;  no  levity  or 
frivolity  is  tolerated.  I  know  a  Scotch  Presbyterian 
minister  who  teaches  the  Lord's  prayer  to  his  chil- 
dren cane  in  hand  ;  each  hesitation  or  mistake  is 
punished  by  a  good  cut  across  the  back  of  the  small 
supplicant.  In  the  eyes  of  these  gloomy  Christians, 
gaiety  is  to  be  regarded  with  suspicion  ;  a  joke  is  a 
sin  ;  for  is  it  not  an  act  of  frivolity  ?  and  must  not 
every  idle  word  be  given  account  of  one  day  ?  The 
Scotch  ai-e  a  virtuous  people  ;  a  people  in  earnest, 
if  ever  there  was  one. 

The  Mormon  Church,  so  flourishing  in  America, 
admits  Polygamy  and  Theocracy.  Not  content  with 
the  wives  he  has  had  in  this  world,  the  Mormon  can 
also  aspire  to  contract  marriage  in  the  next.  Indeed, 
it  is  a  practice  of  the  Mormon  Church  to  recom- 
pense an  exemplary  life  by  marrying  the  defunct  to 
some  great  departed  soul  in  the  abode  of  the  Elect. 
In  1876,  a  friend  of  mine  paid  a  visit  to  Salt  Lake 
City,  and  was  introduced  to  a  Russian  princess,  at 
present  the  wife  of  a  Mormon  bishop.  The  follow- 
ing are  a  few  of  the  impressions  which  the  lady  com- 


2l6  JOHN   BULL   AND    HIS   ISLAND, 

municated  to  my  friend.  "  My  first  husband  lias 
been  dead  twelve  years  ;  he  was  very  good  to  me, 
but,  in  spite  of  that,  I  have  no  respect  for  his  mem- 
ory, because  he  did  not  treat  his  other  wives  with 
the  same  kindness  and  affection  that  he  showed  for 
me  ;  and,  according  to  our  religion,  a  man  should 
not  show  a  preference  for  one  of  his  wives.  As  to 
our  second  husband, — ah  !  sir,  what  a  man  I — what  a 
saint  !  We  do  not  mourn  for  him,  we  envy  his  lot  ; 
he  sojourns  in  the  realms  of  the  blest  ;  and,  last 
year,  sir,  we  married  him,  in  our  church,  to  the 
Maid  of  Orleans." 

The  Quakers  are  so  named,  because  of  the  con- 
tortions, which  the  first  followers  of  the  sect  gloried 
in  making,  while  they  worshipped,  with  the  idea  of 
tremblinsr  before  their  Maker.  The  Quakers  never 
kneel  except  to  the  Supreme  Being.  They  lift  their 
hats  to  nobody,  address  every  one  as  thee  and  t/ioii, 
refuse  to  take  oath,  and  will  not  ser^'^e  in  the  army, 
because,  according  to  their  belief,  war  is  sinful. 
They  have  no  sacraments.  This  sect,  also  called  the 
Society  of  Friends,  recognises  no  consecration  ;  any 
member  may  speak  in  their  meetings.  Complete  si- 
lence is  observed,  until  one  of  these  new  convulsion- 
7iaires,  moved  by  the  Holy  Spirit,  begins  to  pray  and 
gesticulate.  This  sect  was  founded  in  1650,  by  a 
Leicestershire  shoemaker  named  George  Fox.  Mr. 
John  Bright,  the  great  English  statesman,  is  a 
Quaker :  this  explains  his  leaving  the  Ministry  of 
Mr.  Gladstone,  in  1882,  when  the  latter  decided  on 
invading  Egypt. 

The  American  Shakers  are  now  the  nearest  ap- 


JOHN   BULL  AND   HIS   ISLAND.  21/ 

proach  to  the  original  Quakers.  Their  religious 
service  is  conducted  on  this  wise  : — The  men  and 
women  range  themselves  in  lines,  facing  one  another, 
and  then  clap  their  hands,  jump,  and  shout,  until 
they  fall  to  the  ground,  exhausted  and  breathless. 
If  a  new  sect,  worshipping  God  by  walking  on  their 
hands,  were  formed  to-morrow,  it  would  surprise  no- 
body very  much.  There  is  nothing  to  hinder  it, 
and  given  a  church,  chapel,  or  meeting-house,  there 
is  no  form  of  worship,  however  senseless,  that  may 
not  freely  be  indulged  in,  unhindered  by  law.  In 
this  church-going  country,  it  does  not  matter  what 
your  religious  belief  is,  provided  you  go  to  some 
place  of  worship. 

"Why  do  you  come,  to  church?"  I  heard  the 
clergyman  of  a  little  Protestant  Church  in  Devonshire 
exclaim  one  day  from  the  pulpit.  "  I  will  tell  you 
the  reason.  Some  of  you  come  to  look  as  good  as 
your  neighbours,  or  better  ;  you  farmers,  my  Lord's 
te  t  s  ,  come  to  please  your  landlord  ;  you  trades- 
people, to  inspire  your  customers  with  confidence  in 
you  ;  you  young  women,  to  display  your  new 
dresses  ;  in  fact,  you  all  go  to  church,  because 
you  know  you  are  nowhere,  if  you  don't  go  to 
church." 

It  is  but  right  that,  in  this  volume,  treating  of  the 
topics  of  the  day,  I  should  reserve  a  special  chapter 
to  the  Salvationists,  the  heroes  of  the  moment. 


XXX. 

The  Salvation  Army — Blasphemous  Placards — Dervishes — SaWa* 
tion  Army  Services — How  the  Wicked  go  down  to  Hell — A 
'cute  General — Salvation  Pills — The  Peculiar  People — Joanna 
Southcott  and  the  Jumpers. 

Aux  grands  viaiix  les  grands  remcdes.  There  were 
the  lower  classes  to  be  saved,  the  people  who,  as  I 
have  already  said,  never  think  of  setting  foot  in  a 
church.  The  Protestant  church  did  not  want  them,  the 
Dissenters  did  not  want  them,  the  Catholic  religion, 
with  its  mystic  music  and  Latin  services,  would  have 
produced  upon  them  the  effect  of  a  pantomime  ;  the 
street-preachers  are  monotonous  to  listen  to,  and  only 
attract  a  few  idlers  and  loiterers  :  it  became  neces- 
sary to  adopt  energetic  means.  Plans  were  laid 
for  awakening  the  fanatic  that  slumbers,  even  be- 
neath the  humble  vest  of  the  lowest  Englishman. 

For  a  small  consideration,  about  a  hundred 
workmen  were  enrolled  ;  and  then,  with  the  stand- 
ard of  salvation  raised,  and  drums  beating,  these 
recruits  were  paraded  dancing,  jumping,  gesticulat- 
ing, and  shouting  along  the  London  streets,  to  the 
amazement  and  intense  amusement  of  the  population. 
"  Laugh  if  you  like,"  cried  the  new  proselytes,  "  you 
are  going  to  hell  and  we  are  saved ;  we  are  on  the 
laughing   side."     And  on    they  went  jumping   the 


I 


JOHN   BULL   AND    HIS   ISLAND.  219 

higher,    and    shouting   the  louder  :  "  Cry    out    and 
shout,  drink  water,  and  praise  the  Lord." 

Money  soon  poured  in  from  all  quarters  :  a  shower 
of  guineas.  England  is  always  ready  to  put  her 
hand  in  her  pocket  when  funds  nj'C  needed  for  propa- 
gating a  philanthropical  or  religious  idea.  Crowds 
of  converts  soon  swelled  the  ranks  ;  little  companies 
grew  into  big  battalions ;  and  this  association,  which 
not  long  ago,  had  but  a  few  hundred  adherents  in 
the  country,  has  now  grown  to  an  army  of  four  hun- 
dred thousand  well  disciplined  soldiers,  commanded 
by  sergeants,  lieutenants,  captains  and  colonels,  with 
a  general  at  their  head  :  the  whole  hierarchy. 

The  Salvation  Army,  intoxicated  with  success, 
continues  its  triumphal  march  from  town  to  town, 
all  through  the  country,  and  threatens  to  become  a 
plague,  neither  more  nor  less.  Not  satisfied  with 
holding  its  meetings  in  its  barracks  (this  is  the  name 
given  to  their  Bedlams,  by  these  people),  it  sends  de- 
tachments, headed  by  a  band,  to  convert  a  certain 
neighbourhood,  street  or  house.  Woe  betide  you  if 
your  salvation  should  appear  to  some  agent  of  the 
Salvation  Army  to  be  doubtful.  A  detachment  will 
come  and  boldly  plant  itself  under  your  windows, 
with  trombones,  cornets,  tambourines  and  big  drum, 
a  cacophony  fit  to  make  yovir  hair  stand  on  end. 
"  The  devil  is  there  ;  let  us  fire  a  volley !  "  they  will 
cry,  and  whether  you  like  it  or  not,  you  must  be 
saved,  unless  you  take  the  wise  precaution  of  saving 
yourself,  by  flight.  The  police  either  dare  not  or 
will  not  interfere,  and  you  have  but  one  course  open 
to  you  .  it  is  to  set  aside  the  work  you  are  engaged 
in,  or  the  book  you  are  reading,  to  go  and  soothe 


220  JOHN    BULL   AND    IIIS   ISLAND. 

the  cries  of  your  terrified  baby,  and  just  wait  till 
these  savages  have  bawled  themselves  hoarse,  and 
retired. 

The  Salvation  Army  has  its  newspaper  the  War 
Cry,  its  head-quarters,  its  general  staff,  and,  what  is 
still  more  grave,  its  banker. 

The  different  regiments  receive  their  orders  from 
the  General  in  command.  These  proclamations, 
which  are  certainly  a  little  blasphemous,  are  pla- 
carded about  in  public  places.  I  will  give  you  one 
or  two.     I  copied  the  first  at  Scarborough. 

"Captain  Condy,  the  American  tambourine  player, 
and  male  and  female  warriors,  with  an  army  of  blood 
and  fire  soldiers,  will  march  through  Scarborough 
to-day. 

"  At  6.30  a.m.,  knee-drill  and  handkerchief  prac- 
tice ;  at  10.30  arrival  of  the  Holy  Ghost ;  at  2.30  p.m., 
spiking  of  the  enemy's  cannon  ;  at  6.30,  fire  and 
blazes  on  the  whole  line  ;  at  8.30,  Hallelujah  gallop. 

"  On  Monday,  at  2.30  p.m.,  the  American  tam- 
bourinist  will  sing  and  speak  in  the  name  of  Jesus, 
wHth  other  officers  ;  at  6.30  the  soldiers  will  meet  at 
the  barracks  for  the  Parade,  in  full  uniform  :  red 
hatidkerchiefs,  white  jackets  and  aprons,  and  hallelujah 
bonnets  compulsory. 

"  Rebels  will  be  offered  conditions  of  peace. 

"The  surgeon  of  the  army  will  attend  to  the 
wounded. 

"  By  order  of  King  Jesus  and  Captain  Cadman." 

I  read  the  following  placard  at  Torquay  on  regatta 
day  in  1882  : — 


JOHN    BULL   AND   HIS   ISLAND.  221 

"  Salvation  Army. 

*'  Gigantic  meeting  presided  over  by  Major  Pavey, 
Captain  Davies,  and  Captain  Harry. 

"At  II  a.m.  reception  of  the  Holy  Ghost. 

"At  noon,  departure  from  the  barracks,  and  tri- 
umphal march  through  the  enemy's  camp. 

"  At  2  p.m.  a  grand  battle. 

"A  meeting  in  the  fortress  at  9.30  p.m.  when  red- 
hot  gospel  shots  will  be  fired  into  the  ranks  of  the 
devil's  slaves."  (By  these  latter  are  meant  the  harm- 
less spectators  of  the  races.) 

"N.B. — A  great  surgeon  (Jesus  Christ)  will  be 
present  to  attend  to  the  sick  and  wounded." 

I  one  day  went  into  one  of  the  barracks  of  the  Sal- 
vationists. The  service  was  about  to  begin.  The 
orchestra  was  composed  of  a  trombone,  two  cornets, 
one  tambourine,  and  two  big  drums.  The  latter  in- 
strument is  the  basis  of  all  English  music.  I  re- 
member one  day  hearing  the  band  of  the  first  regi- 
ment of  Royal  Artillery  play  a  fantasia  on  airs  from 
the  I're  aux  Clercs.  When  they  came  to  Rendez-7noi 
ma patricy  the  big  drum  struck  up,  and  marked  the 
time  with  formidable,  emphatic  strokes.  To  return 
to  our  heroes,  they  were  yelling  amid  repeated 
rounds  of  applause  an  endless  hymn,  with  the  re- 
frain, "Jesus  is  mine,"  when  a  fine  fellow  of  about 
twenty  years  old  stepped  upon  the  platform,  clapped 
his  hands,  and  began  turning  round  and  round,  till  at 
last  he  fell  senseless  to  the  floor.  The  assembly  rose 
to  their  feet  as  one  man,  and  exclaimed  :  "  He  is 
saved  !    He  is  saved  !  " 

"  Not  yet,"  cried  a  sceptic,  Avho  had  taken  up  liis 


222  JOHN   BULL   AND    HIS   ISLAND. 

position  near  the  door,  all  ready  lo  decamp  in  case 
of  necessity. 

Thereupon  another  Salvationist  began  to  pray  : 
"  Listen  to  the  scoffers  !  "  said  he.  "  The  devil  is  in 
our  midst." 

"  The  devil  is  in  our  midst !  "  repeated  the  assem- 
bly. 

"  Let  us  turn  him  out !  "  said  the  orator. 

"  Let  us  turn  him  out  i  "  replied  his  hearers,  with 
one  voice. 

The  devil  did  not  wait  until  a  decision  was  arrived 
at.     He  made  off  without  delay. 

The  wags  are  \ery  annoying.  I  remember  hear- 
ing one  ask  a  pretty  Salvationist  if  she  felt  saved. 
"What's  that  to  you?"  replied  she.  "Just  hold 
your  tongue,  and  mind  your  own  business  !  "  <. 

The  prayers  at  these  meetings  generally  take  the 
form  of  a  litany  :  "  O  Lord,  save  the  English  na- 
tion, thy  chosen  people." 

"Amen  !  "  reply  the  congregation. 

"  Thou  hast  saved  us,  but  there  remain  many  yet 
who  serve  the  devil ;  save  them." 

"Amen!" 

And  so  on,  until  the  resources  of  the  orator's 
imagination  are  exhausted. 

The  numbers  of  the  Salvationists  and  the  banking 
account  of  the  Army  have  attracted  the  attention  of 
ecclesiastical  authorities.  And,  indeed,  there  would 
be  a  nice  little  addition  to  be  made  to  the  revenues 
of  the  Anglican  Church  by  admitting  the  Salvation 


JOHN    BULL   AND    HIS   ISLAND,  223 

Army  into  its  bosom.  The  Archbishop  of  Canter- 
bury sent  them  five  pounds  towards  the  purchase  of 
barracks.  The  Queen  herself  went  as  far  as  to  send 
them  her  tnoral  support.  The  Queen,  as  head  of  the 
English  Church,  could  not  compromise  herself  by 
making  a  present,  which  belonged  by  right  to  the 
State  Church.  Besides,  principles  of  economy  are 
known  to  be  studied  in  the  Royal  Family. 

Housekeepers  begin  to  make  bitter  complaints 
against  the  Army.  Serv^ants  get  restless  ;  they  feel 
the  need  of  being  saved  ;  and  there  is  always  a  cap- 
tain, or  at  least  a  sergeant,  ready  to  lend  a  helping 
hand. 

I  read  in  a  police-court  report  the  other  day, 
that  a  poor  girl  had  been  saved  by  a  member  of 
the  Salvation  Army,  who  had  taken  her  to  his 
lodgings  in  order  to  make  more  sure  of  success. 
The  saintly  man  had  also  robbed  her  of  the  few 
trinkets  she  possessed.  "  Well  !  "  as  my  missionary 
friend  remarked,  "we  are  none  of  us  perfect." 

The  War  Cry  announces  the  conversion  of  Jane 
Johnson.  It  is  a  sad  pity  :  the  metropolis  has  thus 
lost  one  of  its  most  interesting  types.  Jane  Johnson 
is  sixty-eight  years  of  age,  and  has  undergone  two 
hundred  and  niuety-six  condemnations  for  drunken- 
ness. In  spite  of  the  time  she  has  spent  in  prison, 
Jane,  the  champion  drunkard  of  the  world,  enjoys 
very  good  health,  and  there  is  every  reason  for  be- 
lieving that,  had  it  not  been  for  the  deplorable  in- 
tervention of  the  Salvation  Army,  which  cut  short 
her  career  in  the  prime  of  life,  her  end  might  have 


224  JOHN   BULL   AND    HIS   ISLAND. 

been  worthy  of  her  life  ;  she  might  have  died,  as  sha 
had  always  lived,  ad  majorem  gloriam  publicatii.'^ 

This  grotesque  state  of  things  is  the  natural  result 
of  that  constant  splitting  up  into  sects  that  the  Re- 
formed Church  has  undergone  ever  since  the  days 
of  Cromwell.  Many  dissenting  churches  have  set 
the  example  by  vulgarising  their  services.  They 
tried  to  make  religion  attractive,  and  they  made  it 
ludicrous.  Ministers,  transformed  into  actors,  have 
been  idolised,  nay,  almost  worshipped,  by  con- 
gregations, who  saw  in  them  a  Saviour,  instead  of 
lifting  their  eyes  to  Heaven.  How  many  are  there 
who  would  not  go  to  church  to  worship  God,  but 
who  go  with  willing  feet  to  hear  their  dear  minister? 
The  original  intention  was  good,  but  these  perform- 
ances have  nevertheless  helped  to  produce  the  re- 
sults that  I  have  attempted  to  describe  in  the  present 
chapter. 

One  of  the  most  eminent  dissenting  ministers — I 
might  say  the  most  eminent — took  it  into  his  head 
one  day,  in  the  midst  of  his  sermon,  to  get  astride 
the  balusters  of  the  pulpit  staircase,  and  to  let  him. 
self  glide  to  the  foot  of  it.  "  There,  my  dear  breth- 
ren," said  he,  on  reappearing  at  the  top,  "  that  is  how 
the  wicked  go  down  to  hell."  Titters,  and  almost 
applause,  from  the  congregation. 

I  cannot  take  leave  of  tlie  Salvation  Army  without 
saying  a  word  or  two  about  the  General. 

*  At  the  moment  of  going  to  press,  I  h<^ar  with  pleasure  that 
Jane  has  just  been  condemned  to  eight  days'  imprisonment  for  her 
darling  little  failing.  I  am  really  glad  of  it  i  it  would  have  been 
such  a  pity  to  spoil  so  interesting  a  career. 


JOHN   BULL   AND    HIS   ISLAND.  225 

The  Army  recognises  no  authority  but  that  of  the 
General.  He  is  all-powerful.  He  has  the  handling 
and  management  of  the  funds.  He  baptizes,  mar- 
ries, saves,  or  damns,  the  thousands  of  geese  who 
obey  his  voice.  The  General's  wife  is  as  active  as 
himself  in  the  apostolic  work  tliat  the  family  has 
undertaken.  His  sons  and  daughters  are  colonels, 
commanding  detachments  of  the  Army. 

In  the  month  of  October,  1882,  the  General  mar- 
ried his  son  to  a  young  Salvationist.  A  large  hall 
had  been  chosen  for  the  occasion,  and  the  price  of 
admission  fixed  at  a  shilling.  The  iron  must  be 
struck  while  it  is  hot :  who  knows  how  long  the  tem- 
porary insanity  of  the  Salvationists  will  last  ? 

The  hall  was  thronged  ;  the  young  couple  were 
blessed  beyond  the  hopes  of  the  General  and  his 
family.  Six  thousand  persons  at  a  shilling  each, 
that  made  three  hundred  pounds. 

The  General  is  no  fool. 

I  cannot  imagine  why,  in  this  country,  where 
advertising  is  so  successful,  the  General  has  not 
yet  invented  a  celestial  mixture,  or  salvation  pills. 
Salvation  pills  !  What  a  tremendous  success  they 
would  have !  The  General  might  insert  in  the  JFar 
Cry  testimonials  something  in  the  style  of  the  fol- 
lowing. 

"  Dear  General, — On  Saturday  night  I  took  one 
of  your  marvellous — I  should  say  miraculous — pills. 
I  went  to  bed  a  hardened  sinner:  I  woke  up  con- 
verted. A  few  more  pills,  and  I  shall  be  a  saint. 
Every  one  ought  to  have  some  of  these  pills  in 
his  bedroom.  You  may  make  what  use  you  please 
1=; 


226  JOHN    BULL   AND   HIS   ISLAND. 

of  this  letter.  I  enclose  a  P. CO.  for  two  and  six, 
and  beg  you  to  send  me  a  box  of  salvation  pills  for 
my  wife." 

A  peculiar  faith  is  the  faith  of  the  Peculiar  Peo- 
ple. So  great  is  their  faith  in  God  that,  when  any 
of  the  fraternity  fall  ill,  no  doctdr  is  called  to  their 
bedside,  because,  say  tliey,  to  call  in  a  doctor  is 
to  insult  God  and  prove  that  you  have  no  confidence 
in  Him.  "  If  it  is  the  Lord's  will  that  I  should  die, 
let  His  will  be  done.  Nothing  can  save  me  ;  if  it  is 
His  will  that  I  should  recover,  then  He  can  save  me 
without  the  help  of  any  doctor." 

I  could  not  better  describe  to  you  the  religious 
opinions  of  the  sect,  which,  by  the  way,  has  numer- 
ous followers,  than  by  giving  you  an  extract  from 
the  account  of  a  trial,  at  which  a  father  was  accused 
of  having  caused  the  death  of  his  child  by  negli- 
gence. 

Magistrate. — "Your  child  died.  You  refused  to 
send  for  a  doctor,  did  you  not  ? " 

Prhoncr. — "  It  was  the  Lord's  will  that  he  should 
die,  no  doctor  could  have  saved  him." 

Magistrate. — "  But  when  you  saw  your  child  was 
dangerously  ill,  do  you  not  think  it  was  your  duty 
to  have  called  in  a  doctor  ?" 

Prisoner.— ''^o,  I  fear  the  Lord,  and  place  my 
trust  in  11  im." 

Magistrate. — "  But  suppose,  for  instance,  that  you 
were  run  over  by  a  carriage  and  had  your  leg  broken, 
would  von  not  send  for  the  doctor  ?  " 

Prisoner. — "Such   a   thing  could   not   happen  to 


JOHN   BULL   AND    HIS   ISLAND.  22/ 

me.     God  protects  me,  and  He  has  said  that  not  a 
bone  of  the  just  shall  be  broken." 

Magistra.e. — "  But  supposing  they  should  break  ?" 

Prisoner. — "  It  is  impossible  to  suppose  it." 

Magistrate — "  I  respect  all  religious  opinions.   But 

once  more,  do  you   not  consider  that  you  ought  to 

have  called  in  medical  aid,  when  you  saw  your  child's 

life  in  danger  ?  " 

Prisoner. — "  No.  If  God  had  not  been  willing  that 
he  should  die,  he  could  not  have  died.  Ah  !  gentle- 
men of  the  jury,  if  you  really  believed  in  God,  you 
would  not  allow  such  questions  to  be  put  to  me. 
When  we  have  a  sick  person  in  our  houses,  we  anoint 
him  with  oil,  and  we  pray  according  to  the  command 
given  us  in  the  Epistle  of  St.  James.  If  God  is 
pleased  to  take  him  from  us,  we  submit  ourselves  to 
His  divine  will." 

The  whole  account  of  the  case  appeared  in  the 
newspapers  of  the  24th  January,  1883. 

Two  months  later,  the  same  man  was  prosecuted 
for  having  allowed  a  second  child  to  die  under  the 
same  circumstances. 

After  all,  I  do  not  know  that  there  is  anything 
very  extraordinary  in  this  belief,  for  such  a  free  and 
free-trading  people  as  the  English.  A  medical  stu- 
dent, who  cannot  obtain  his  diploma  by  examination 
in  England,  has  only  to  go  to  Scotland  to  obtain  one 
without  difficulty,  or  to  America  to  buy  one.  There 
are  plenty  of  people  ready  to  trust  their  friends  in 
liis  hands.  This  being  so,  it  is  not  very  wonderful 
that  there  should  be  others  to  be  found  who  prefer 
trusting  to  Providence. 


228  JOHN   BULL  AND   HIS   ISLAND. 

There  arose  in  Devonshire,  in  the  early  part  of  the 
century,  a  religious  sect  named  the  Jumpers.  Its 
originator  was  Joanna  Southcott,  a  woman  who  gave 
out  that  she  was  possessed  by  the  spirit  of  the  Virgin 
Mary,  The  doctrine  she  taught  was  intended  to 
prove  that  the  devil  is  everywhere,  and  that  Christians 
should  jump  upon  him.  The  higher  they  jumped, 
the  more  heavily  they  would  come  down  on  him,  and 
the  more  chance  they  had  of  being  saved.  The  devil 
did  not  enjoy  life  just  then,  I  can  assure  you.  These 
worthy  folks  had  their  chapels,  where  they  jumped 
to  their  hearts'  content,  without  uttering  a  word.  The 
Jumpers  have  not  yet  altogether  disappeared.  At  one 
time,  Joanna  Southcott  believed  herself  to  be  enciente, 
by  the  Holy  Spirit.  Her  followers  made  great  prep- 
arations for  the  worthy  reception  of  the  Holy  Child 
that  was  expected.  Unhappily  they  were  disap- 
pointed ;  Joanna  died  and  carried  her  secret  with  her 
to  the  tomb.  The  Southcottians,  who  believe  Joanna 
to  be  no  other  than  the  woman  of  the  desert  spoken 
of  by  St.  John  in  the  Book  of  Revelation,  still  look 
for  her  resurrection.     Good  luck  to  them  ! 


XXXI. 

The  English  Nation  no  other  than  the  Lost  Ten  Tribes  of  Israel— 
The    Anglo-Israel    Identity    Society — Seventy-seven  Proofs  of 
Identity — Tender-handed,  touch    the  nettle,  and  it  stings  you 
for  your  pains  ;  grasp  it  like  a  man  of  mettle,  and  it  soft  as  silk 
remains — Wanted  more  Missionaries — A  New  Proof  of  Identity. 

Brought  up  in  the  Bible,  tlie  English  nation  must 
have  had  all  its  sympathies  enlisted  on  behalf  of  that 
nation,  ungrateful,  cowardly  and  bloodthirsty,  but 
chosen  of  God,  before  whom  the  walls  of  besieged 
towns  fell  at  sound  of  trumpets,  to  whom  the  Lord 
spoke  in  person,  and  for  whom  he  fought  by  show- 
ering hailstones  on  their  enemies. 

At  the  destruction  of  Jerusalem,  the  Jews  were 
dispersed  :  I  mean  the  Jews  of  the  tribes  of  Judah 
and  Levi,  otherwise  called  the  children  of  the  House 
of  Judah.  The  other  ten  tribes,  that  is  to  say,  the 
children  of  Israel,  were  lost  sight  of  entirely,  and 
historians  have  never  been  able  to  discover  a  trace 
of  them. 

John  Bull,  who  attributes  his  successes  in  this 
world  to  his  superiority  to  all  other  nations  in  reli- 
gious matters,  said  to  himself  :  "Who  knows?  might 
I  not  be  the  lost  child  of  Israel? " 

"It  is  certain  that  I  do  great  things,  that  I  am  the 
Elect  of  Heaven  by  special  appointment  ;  is  it  not 
just  possible   that   he  who  commanded   the  sun  to 


230  JOHN   BULL   AND    HIS   ISLAND. 

Stand  still  was  an  ancestor  of  mine  ? "  And  so,  he 
tried  to  identify  himself  with  that  people  who 
crossed  the  Red  Sea  without  wetting  the  sole  of  their 
feet. 

A  society  has  been  formed,  in  England,  under  the 
name  of  the  "  Anglo-Israel  Identity  Society,"  with 
the  object  of  proving  that  the  inhabitants  of  Great 
Britain  are  none  other  than  the  lost  ten  tribes  of  the 
House  of  Israel.  This  Society  has  not  been  idle  :  up 
to  the  present  time,  it  has  discovered  no  fewer  than 
seventy-seven  proofs,  all  taken  from  Scripture,  of  the 
identity  in  question.  About  a  hundred  books  and 
pamphlets  upon  the  subject  have  been  published, 
adherents  have  thronged  in,  and  the  nation  need  no 
longer  be  surprised  at  its  successes  ;  the  finger  of 
God  is  in  -its  Avork. 

These  proofs  of  identity  are  rather  clever.  I  will 
give  you  a  few. 

' '  The  children  of  Israel  were  to  Inhabit  islands  lying 
north-west  from  Palestine,  and  to  speak  a  language  that 
was  not  Hebreiv. 

"  The  English  inhabit  islands  ;  those  islands  lie 
north-west  from  Palestine,  and  their  language  is  com- 
posed of  about  43,000  words  of  Latin,  Germanic,  or 
Celtic  origin. 

"The  Semitic  element  is  absent. 

"  Israel  was  to  possess  colo?iies  in  all  parts  of  tht 
earth." 

Thus  do  they  interpret  the  third  verse  of  Isaiah 
(liv.):  "Thou  shall  break  forth  on  the  right  hand, 
and  on  the  left,  and  thy  seed  shall  inherit  the  Geu' 
tiles  and  make  the  desolate  cities  to  be  inhabited." 


JOHN   BULL   AND    HIS   ISLAND.  23 1 

I  must  quote  a  few  extracts  from  the  pamphlets 
of  the  Society.  It  is  doing  a  great  deal  of  honour  to 
such  writings  to  reproduce  them,  even  in  such  an 
unpretentious  book  as  this,  but  it  is  interesting  to 
show  to  what  a  pitch  stupidity  can  be  carried,  when 
national  vanity  and  religious  mania  have  a  hand  in 
the  matter. 

"  Whether  we  desire  it  or  not,  we  must  possess 
colonies ;  it  is  our  destiny.  The  Dutch  and  the 
Spaniards  have  had  colonies  and  lost  them,  almost 
all,  what  paltry  ones  they  have  must  soon  cede  aw\ay 
from  them.  The  French  virtually  have  none.  The 
Germans  have  tried  and  failed  ;  but  the  British  na- 
tion has  flourishing  colonies  in  all  parts  of  the  world, 
and  ui'gently  requires  more  yet.  The  Turkish  Em- 
pire is  on  the  eve  of  ruin,  and  as  Constantinople  will 
be  ours  by  right,  we  shall  have  to  take  immediate 
possession  of  it.  Constantinople  is  the  very  gate  of 
highway  to  our  largest  and  best  foreign  possession 
— India,  with  her  teeming  millions  and  her  forty  dis- 
tinct languages." 

"  Israel  must  have  a  nation  from  her,  but  independeJit 
of  her." 

"There  is  much  reason  to  thank  God,"  says  one 
of  these  productions,  "  that  America  can  celebrate 
year  by  year  her  Declaration  of  Independence." 

Again  :  "  America  is  a  great  nation  ;  hallelujah  ! 
it  was  ordained  that  she  should  separate  herself 
from  us." 

Jonathan  succeeded,  in  1776,  in  sending  John  Bull 
about  his  business  vi  ct  armis  ;  and  the  result  is,  that 
John  has  the  greatest   respect  for  him  ;    he  never 


o  'i'> 


^^j.  JOHN    BULL   AND    HIS   ISLAND, 

loses  an  opportunity  of  whispering  a  flattering  word 
in  his  ear. 

"  Tender-handed,  touch  the  nettle, 
And  it  stings  you  for  your  pains  ; 
Grasp  it  like  a  man  of  mettle. 
And  it  soft  as  silk  remains." 

*'  Israel  must  now  be  tmder  a  monarchy ." 

I  will  admit  that  no  monarchy  appears  to  me  to  be 
so  firmly  established  as  that  of  England. 

"  Israel  cannot  be  conquered  in  their  isles,  and  must 
conquer  against  all  odds." 

"The  French,  the  Russians,  the  Spanish,  the  Dutch, 
the  Chinese,  the  Indians,  the  Germans,  the  Austrians, 
and  the  Italians,  cannot  any  of  them  be  Israel,  be- 
cause they  have  been  defeated." 

'.'  The  British  alone  have  never  been  defeated  ; 
ergo,  they  must  be  Israel." 

This  trash  is  printed,  at  the  author's  expense  I 
need  not  tell  you,  but,  however,  printed  it  is. 

I  will  quote  again  : 

"  We  are  the  only  nation  that  can  dare  to  face 
fearful  odds.  This  seal  of  Identity  with  Israel  was 
verified  in  the  Peninsular  War,  when  the  Duke  of 
Wellington  withstood,  by  a  small  army,  nearly  the 
entire  forces  of  the  continent. "  (Do  not  stare  with  in- 
credulity ;  it  is  all  written  down  in  plain  characters  : 
I  have  not  imagination  enough  to  write  history  in  such 
a  style  as  that,  believe  me.)  "  We  withstood  the  peo- 
ple of  China,  computed  by  millions,  with  only  a  few 
boat-loads  of  men,  and  prevailed  against  them  !  We 
hold   India,  with  her  teeming  millions,   under  the 


JOHN   BULL   AND   HIS   ISLAND.  233 

power  of  a  few  white  men.  We  prev^ailed  against 
Russia  at  the  Crimea,  with  but  a  very  small  force. 
(Not  one  word  about  the  two  hundred  thousand  poor 
fools  of  Frenchmen  that  were  there,  to  say  nothing 
of  the  forty  thousand  Turks.)  And  our  victories 
over  the  Ashantecs,  the  Afghans,  the  Zulus,  and  the 
Egyptians  !  If  they  had  all  to  be  counted  we  should 
never  have  done."  Nevertheless  let  us  have  done 
quickly,  with  your  consent  ;  it  is  sickening.  The 
preceding  lines  have  been  extracted,  however,  from 
one  of  the  most  serious  books,  published  under  the 
auspices  of  the  Society  :  ex  iino  disce  oinnes.  In  mak- 
ing its  lists  of  victorious  campaigns,  you  may  notice 
that  the  Society  has  prudently  omitted  to  mention 
that  of  the  Transvaal.  The  fact  of  the  Boers  having 
given  John  a  sound  thrashing,  would  naturally  have 
made  it  a  little  less  easy  to  establish  the  thirty-third 
proof  of  identity.  The  sturdy  Boers  are  now  mas- 
ters in  their  own  country,  and  modern  Israel  never 
mentions  them,  except  with  the  greatest  respect. 

"  Israel  must  be  a  Sabbath-keeping  people" 

"Ah!"  cries  the  Identity  Society,  "is  not  our 
metropolis  a  sign,  a  wonder,  and  an  astonishment 
each  recurring  Sabbath  to  every  foreigner  who  visits 
our  shores  ?  it  is  indeed  a  sublime  spectacle.  Four 
millions  of  the  busiest  population  of  the  world  vol- 
untarily close  almost  every  house  of  business,  almost 
every  place  of  public  amusement  or  of  recreation, 
cutting  themselves  off  from  the  surrounding  world 
for  twenty-four  hours.  Post-offices  completely  shut, 
telegraphs  and  railways  all  but  standing  still,  the 
vast  majority  of  the  citizens  rest  from  the  labours  of 


234  JOHN   BULL   AND    HIS   ISLAND. 

the  week  ;  and  why  ? — London  keepeth  Sabbath." 
This  is  not  exact :  the  provinces  have  their  Sunday 
post  ;  telegrams  can   be  sent  on   Sundays  ;  and  the 
London  trains  are  only  stopped  during  the  hours  of 
morning  service.     The  public-houses  remain  open, 
and  it  is  well  known  that  there  are  more  burglariep 
committed   on    Sundays  tlian  on  any  other  day.      I; 
would  appear  that  the  House  of  Israel  does  not  red 
so  completely  on  the  Sabbath  as  the  Society  woul' 
have  us  believe. 

*'  Israel  shall  be  a  prolific  race." 

God  did  indeed  promise  Abraham  that  he  shou?  \ 
be  the  father  of  multitudes,  that  his  descendants 
should  be  as  numerous  as  the  stars  of  the  heaven. 
Jacob,  in  his  dream,  was  told  by  the  Lord  that  he 
should  possess  the  ground  upon  v/hich  he  reposed 
and  that  his  children  should  be  as  the  dust  of  the 
earth. 

"  Where  is  there  to  be  found,"  sa^'s  the  Society, 
"a  nation  that  multiplies  as  rapidly  as  the  British  ?" 

It  is  a  fact  that  the  Anglo-Saxon  races,  at  the  rate 
at  which  they  are  multiplying  at  present,  will,  in 
the  year  2,000,  number  1,837  millions.  The  Quar- 
terly Scientific  Review  for  the  month  of  June,  1873, 
tells  us  that  the  Anglo-Saxons  double  their  popula- 
tion, in  Europe,  in  fifty-six  years  ;  in  the  colonies,  in 
twenty -five  years  ;  whilst  the  Germans  take  a  hun- 
dred, and  the  French  a  hundred  and  forty  years  to 
double  theirs. 

Ergo,  England  must  be  Israel. 

"  What  a  number  of  children  you  have  in  this 
country  !  "  I  remarked  one  day  to  an  Englishman. 


JOHN   BULL   AND   HIS   ISLAND.  235 

"Well,  you  see,"  he  replied,  "we  have  so  few 
other  distractions  ! " 

"  The  House  of  Israel  shall  send  missionaries  to  the 
ends  of  the  earth. " 

This  proof  is  taken  from  the  Bible  (Isa.  xliii.  21) : 
"  This  people  have  I  formed  for  Myself  :  they  shall 
show  forth  My  praise."  England  sends  missionaries 
to  all  parts  of  the  world  ;  but  these  commercial 
travellers  of  the  Bible  Society,  excellent  political 
agents,  I  must  say,  are  unfortunately  sent  to  the 
wrong  address  :  they  go  where  their  services  are  not 
required. 

De  cette  ve'rite  deux  fahlesferontfoi: 

In  the  colony  of  Natal,  a  Zulu  sold  a  Christian 
a  tough  fowl.  A  few  days  after,  the  latter  com- 
plained. What  did  the  savage  do  ?  He  gave  the 
white  man  another  fowl  and  refused  his  money. 

I  know  an  Englishman,  whose  name  is  Legion, 
who  bought  of  a  London  poulterer  an  old  rook  that 
had  been  recommended  to  him  as  a  tender  young 
chicken  fresh  from  Devonshire.  What  did  the  civil- 
ised man  do  ?  Knowing  the  poulterer  to  be  no  Zulu, 
he  made  the  best  of  his  bad  bargain  and  broken 
teeth. 

Why  do  not  the  missionaries  all  stay  in  London  ? 
What  a  splendid  field  for  their  labours  ! 

Can  it  be  thou,  O  Israel,  chosen  child  of  the  Lord, 
who  hast  changed  the  standard  weight  of  the  sanctu- 
ary into  a  bonne  a  tout  faire  ?  Change  thy  shouts  of 
joy  into  bitter  lamentations,  O  Jerusalem ! 


236  JOHN   BULL   AND    HIS   ISLAND. 

There  can  be  no  more  doubt  upon   the  subject 
Lost  Israel   has  been  found.     The  proofs  are  irre« 
futable. 

If  I  might  be  permitted  to  contribute  to  the  work 
already  done  by  the  Society,  I  should  like  to  add  one 
more  proof,  which  appears  to  me  to  be  conclusive. 
The  house  of  Judah  was  told  :  "  Behold,  My  servants 
shall  drink,  but  ye  shall  be  thirsty"  (Isa.  Ixv.  13). 

I  find  in  an  official  report,  got  up  by  the  English 
Government  in  1877,  that  the  number  of  persons 
arrested  for  drunkenness  in  England  alone  that  is  to 
say,  without  counting  Scotland  and  Ireland,  where 
tippling  is  quite  as  popular  as  in  England,  was,  in 
the  year  1876,  no  less  than  104,174.  Out  of  this 
number  38,880  were  women  ;  and  since  the  year  1876 
these  ugly  figures  have  not  diminished. 

If  you  consider  that  the  number  of  dninkards 
arrested  in  the  street  for  disorderly  conduct  only 
represent  a  very  small  portion  of  the  persons  ad- 
dicted to  drink,  since  there  is  no  law  to  prevent  any 
one  from  getting  intoxicated  in  his  own  house,  and 
the  drunkards  arrested  are  only  those  who  are  utterly 
helpless,  or  who  cause  disorder  in  the  streets,  you 
will  be  convinced  that,  to  employ  the  style  of  the 
Society,  since  the  British  nation  alone  can  produce 
such  figures,  ergo  she  must  be  Israel.* 

*  This  new  proof  of  mine  has  been  pronounced  so  irrefutable  by 
my  friends  that  they  expect  to  see  me  elected  a  Fellow  of  the  Societj 
Tery  shortly. 


XXXIL 

Conclusion- -Difference  of  Character — The  English  ought  to  be 
Manichaeans — What  is  Patriotism  ? — English  Hospitality — The 
Union  of  England  and  France. 

To  sum  up  in  a  few  words — 

The  Englishman  is  more  earnest  than  we  are  ;  his 
judgment  is  more  sound,  more  healthy,  more  unim- 
passioned  than  ours  ;  and  his  patriotism  more  in- 
telligent. Cold  in  manner,  sober  and  quiet  by  tem- 
perament, of  a  shy  and  melancholy  disposition, 
brought  up  in  the  crude  training  of  the  Bible,  and  in 
an  austere  religion  that  implants  in  him  almost  a 
dread  of  joy  and  happiness,  the  Englishman  is  less 
lovable  and  less  happy  than  ourselves. 

Education,  climate,  and  food,  all  help  to  account 
for  the  striking  difference  that  exists  between  the 
English  and  French  characters.  The  man,  whose 
dinner  consists  of  a  pound  of  beef,  a  large  slice  of 
plum  pudding,  and  a  tankard  of  thick,  heavy,  black 
beer,  must  certainly  look  at  things  in  a  different 
light  from  the  man  who  dines  off  oysters,  chicken, 
fruit,  the  lightest  of  pastry,  and  a  bottle  of  Pomard. 

I  was  speaking  one  day,  in  the  presence  of  a  few 
Englishmen,  of  the  sorry  face  that  one  of  the  great- 
est French  statesmen  of  the  age  exhibited  at  his 
window,  between  two  tapers,  on  an  evening  of  pub^ 


238  JOHN   BULL   AND    HIS   ISLAND. 

lie  rejoicing.  "Ha!"  they  cried,  in  chorus,  ''you 
will  admit  that  no  Englishman  would  do  such  a 
thing  as  that." 

"You  are  right,"  I  replied,  "the  climate  would 
not  allow  it." 

In  this  country  of  contrasts,  where,  on  the  one 
hand,  you  have  such  high  morality,  and  on  the  other 
hand  such  dark  and  deep-rooted  vice,  you  are 
tempted  to  wonder  how  it  is  that  the  English  are  not 
Manichaeans.  It  really  seems  as  if  dualism  must 
preside  over  the  destinies  of  England  ;  there  need 
be  no  hesitation  in  affirming  that  in  this  country 
good  and  evil  are  greater  than  in  France, — a  judg- 
ment which  M.  Taine  pronounces,  though  timidly. 

We  are  constantly  accusing  England  of  being  self- 
ish in  her  policy.  But  is  not  patriotism  the  most 
manifest  and  excusable  form  of  selfishness  ?  Is  it 
selfishness  to  prefer  one's  mother  to  any  other 
woman  ?  Is  it  selfishness  to  think  one's  children 
handsomer  and  more  intelligent  than  those  of  other 
people  ?  Is  it  selfishness  to  accept  a  good  situation, 
rather  than  refuse  it  and  offer  it,  like  a  good  Chris- 
tian, to  one's  neighbour  ?  Show  me  a  country  that 
opens  its  doors  more  hospitably  and  generously  to 
the  foreigner.  Show  me  another  country  where  he 
meets  with  so  much  attention  and  respect.  All 
tliat  is  required  of  him  is  that  he  shall  respect  the 
law  ;  and,  short  of  being  able  to  sit  in  Parliament, 
he  enjoys  all  the  privileges  of  a  born  Englishman. 

John  Bull's  patriotism  is  intelligent.  As  a  man 
of  business,  he  never  enters  into  the  perils  of  a  war, 
unless  he  is  pretty  sure  of  benefiting  himself  in  some 


JOHN   BULL   AND   HIS   ISLAND.  239 

way ;  and  the  Continental  Powers,  who  keep  up 
great  standing  armies  at  an  enormous  expense,  to 
acquire  in  return  nothing  but  a  little  glory,  are  jeal- 
ous, and  grumble.  In  the  year  1878,  at  the  time 
when  England  and  Russia  were  shaking  their  fists 
at  each  other,  I  read  in  a  newspaper  that  a  Russian 
coachman,  discovering  one  day  that  he  was  driving 
an  English  fare,  politely  begged  him  to  alight,  and 
indignantly  refused  the  money  that  was  offered  to 
him.  Now  this  is  not  patriotism,  as  John  Bull  un- 
derstands it.  A  London  cabman,  under  similar  cir- 
cumstances, would  have  doubled  his  charge. 

M.  Alexis  de  Tocqueville  has  drawn  a  portrait 
of  the  Frenchman  that  appears  to  me  to  be  hit 
off  to  the  life.  "Worshipping  hazard,  power,  suc- 
cess, brilliancy,  and  fame,  more  than  true  glory," 
says  this  great  writer ;  "  more  capable  of  heroism 
than  of  virtue,  of  genius  than  of  good  sense  ;  with 
more  aptitude  for  conceiving  immense  designs  than 
for  carrying  through  great  enterprises  ;  the  most 
brilliant  nation  in  Europe,  and  the  best  calculated 
to  become  in  turn  an  object  of  admiration,  of  hat- 
red, of  pity,  of  terror,  but  of  indifference — never  !  " 
On  the  contrary,  the  Englishman  has  greatness,  but 
no  magnanimity  ;  virtue,  but  no  heroism  when  Brit- 
ish interests  are  not  at  stake.  He  is  not  so  bril- 
liant or  so  impulsive  as  his  neighbour  more  richly 
endowed  by  Nature,  but  he  is  more  independent, 
more  enterprising,  more  persevering,  and  more  wise. 

France  and  England  together  would  seem  to  unite 
in  themselves  all  the  qualities  that  intelligence  and 
industry  can  develop,  and  the  union  of  these  two 
great  nations,  which,  under   the   reign  of  a  virtuous 


240  JOHN   BULL  AND   HIS   ISLAND. 

queen,  has  been  steadily  growing  more  and  mora 
perfect,  justifies  the  hope  that  only  in  the  arts  of 
peace  will  they  ever  again  be  rivals  ;  and  that,  hand 
in  hand,  they  will  ever  be  found  mutually  encourag- 
ing each  other  in  the  path  of  progress  and  liberty. 

Let  us  conclude  by  quoting  Voltaire's  saying  :  "  If 
I  had  had  to  choose  my  birthplace,  I  would  have 
chosen  England." 


APPENDIX. 


(A.) — At  Devon  Assizes  (April,  1883),  a  convict 
was  tried  for  maliciously  wounding  with  intent  to 
kill  a  warder  of  the  Dartmoor  prison.  The  deputy- 
governor  of  Dartmoor  prison  was  called,  and  said 
that  when  the  prisoner  was  brought  to  him,  he  asked 
him  if  he  had  anything  to  say  for  himself,  upon 
which  the  prisoner  replied  that  he  did  not  care  if  he 
swung  for  it. 

Prisoner  (interrupting). — "I  do  not  remember  say- 
ing that  to  you." 

Governor. — "That  only  proves  what  an  unmiti- 
gated liar  you  are." 

Judge  (to  witness).— "You  are  here  to  give  evi. 
dence,  and  not  to  insult  the  prisoner,  whom  it  is  my 
duty  to  protect." 

Governor. — "  My  lord,  the  prisoner  is  one  of  the 
worst  characters  in  the  prison." 

Judge  (to  witness). — "  If  I  hear  you  make  another 
•statement  against  the  prisoner  extra-judicially,  I 
shall  mark  my  opinion  of  it  in  a  very  decided  man- 
ner. We  are  here  to  try  the  prisoner,  not  upon  his 
antecedents,  but  upon  the  facts.  ...  I  am  aston- 
ished that  the  deputy-governor  should  have  used 
16 


242  JOHN   BULL   AND    HIS   ISLAND. 

such  observations  for  the  purpose  of  prejudicing 
the  prisoner's  case.  It  was  discreditable  to  him  as 
an  official,  and  disgiaceful  to  him  as  a  gentleman 
and  a  man.  I  must  caution  the  jury  not  to  let  the 
disgust  which  they  may  feel  at  that  attempt  lead 
tiicm  into  a  wrong  direction  to  a  feeling  of  sympa- 
thy with  the  prisoner.  The  foolish  and  wicked  ob- 
servations of  the  deputy-governor  will  certainly  not 
have  the  effect  he  intended." 

The  jury,  however,  found  the  prisoner  guilty,  and 
he  was  sentenced  to  fifteen  years'  penal  servatude. 

(B.) — Eleven  criminals  were  hanged  in  England, 
Scotland,  and  Ireland,  during  the  month  of  May, 
1883. 

The  following  words  are  extracted  from  a  speech 
of  Mr.  John  Bright,  delivered  in  May,  1883  : — 

"  But  to  show  how  little  influence  the  Christian 
Church,  the  Church  of  England,  had  with  the  Gov- 
ernment of  our  country  in  these  matters,  let  me  tell 
you  that  up  to  the  reign  of  George  the  First, 
there  were  in  this  country  sixty-seven  offences  that 
were  punishable  with  death.  Between  the  accession 
of  George  the  First  and  the  termination  of  the 
reign  of  George  the  Third — I  think  within  those 
limits — there  wei-e  added  156  new  crimes  to  which 
the  capital  punishment  was  attaclied.  Now  during 
all  these  years,  as  far  as  this  question  goes,  our  Gov- 
ernment was  becoming  more  cruel  and  more  barbar- 
ous,— (hear,  hear) — and  we  did  not  find,  and  have 
not  found,  that  in  the  great  Church  of  England, 
with  its  ten,  fifteen,  or  twenty  thousand  ministers, 
and  with  its  more  than  a  score  of    bishops    in  the 


JOHN   BULL   AND    HIS   ISLAND,  243 

House  of  Lords,  there  ever  seems  to  have  been  a 
voice  raised  or  an  organization  formed  in  favour  of 
a  more  merciful  code,  or  any  condemnation  of  the 
enormous  cruelty  which  our  law  was  continually 
inflicting.  (Hear,  hear.)  Was  not  Voltaire  justi- 
fied in  saying  that  the  English  were  the  only  people 
who  murdered  by  law  ?     (Hear,  hear.)  " 


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